"First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you." - F. Scott Fitzgerald 

Chapter 9

*September 12th, 2017* 

Days pass slowly, very still, Jaejoong watch at the corner of their dining room when Yunho busied himself with the dishes, he watches how Yunho’s hard muscle beneath his t-shirt dances to the rhythm as he moves around, he looks healthy but Jaejoong know better, suddenly his tears fall slowly, he didn’t even realized it not until it hits his arm, he wiped it away in hurry, he promise Yunho he won’t cry anymore.

Yunho turned around while drying his hands to look at Jaejoong, the small smile appear on his handsome face, Jaejoong return the gentle smile, he stretches his hands unconsciously toward his boyfriend, Yunho urges himself toward Jaejoong and grabs the offer hands gladly.

After Yunho came back from New York, Yunho confessed his feeling toward Jaejoong, he asked jaejoong out to be his boyfriend, he said that if Jaejoong didn’t want to be his boyfriend, he is okay with it, he just wish that Jaejoong still want to be his friend, he said that Jaejoong is the only reason he was in Seoul, He said he didn’t have much time, Jaejoong didn’t really know what time he was talking about back then, but Jaejoong actually had established his feeling toward Yunho, he is in fact also very much want to be with Yunho.

So everything was like a fairy tale for them quite a while not until August 10th when Yunho spilled everything about what really happen to him.

Yunho sits beside him and wraps his arm around him protectively, they didn’t say anything, just enjoying the company of each other. Yunho’s hands languidly moving up and down on Jaejoong’s side, down to his waist, he drags the slender man toward him, Jaejoong put his head over Yunho’s chest, he caress the spot slowly while planting kisses.

He didn’t know how long they have been kissing and groping each other, the heavy moans and panting filled the entire kitchen but suddenly the atmosphere grew dark as he catch up the hiss sound escaping Yunho’s lips and Jaejoong could swear that he didn’t feel Yunho’s heart beat for a second, he open his closed eyes abruptly and look up at his lover.

The arousal that already burning his lower part a while ago replaced quickly with panic.

Yunho look down and smile at him, Jaejoong didn’t buy it, he hug him hard this time and the long overdue detained tears start breaking down again. His body is shaking in Yunho’s embrace and he didn’t stop crying and his ears are deaf from Yunho’s words that keep repeating “I am fine, I am fine, I am fine, you promise me that you won’t cry anymore. I am here. I am here”

He didn’t stop even when Yunho kiss him messily, urgently, desperately trying to wipe away the sadness, with tears staining their faces, he obliged instinctively and followed Yunho’s direction when they kiss but it didn’t make him calm, instead it drives him into a panic attack, he pushed Yunho’s grip from him and try to catch his breath.

When thing like this occurred out of nowhere, when they were just a minute ago having a good time like a normal couple, when he tried so hard to forget about Yunho’s condition, when he makes the effort to be happy for the opportunity to be with this man, He knew that Yunho’s time is limited, it’s so close, closer than his jugular veins, he feels it every second and he hates it.

“Breath baby, breath.” Yunho tried to help him breath, he cradles his head in his big palms and force him to look into his eyes, Jaejoong’s eyes are flaming red.

Finally he can breath again after a couple of minutes of Yunho trying to steady his breath by putting Jaejoong’s hand over his chest and his hand over Jaejoong’s.

“I am sorry” he mumbled that word slowly, he didn’t mean to be like this all the time, but he think he really will die if Yunho’s time come one day, the thought alone is so heart breaking to bear. One time he had a dreadful dream, Yunho peaceful state laying in his coffin, people tears, The threatening church’s ceiling that want to collapse when they want to send him goodbye, the sky crumbling down and the weight of the world on his shoulder.

“Shh, Nothing to be sorry about, I am fine now, I am safe here in your arms” this time Yunho put both Jaejoong’ hands over his chest, he places his own on top of Jaejoong’ and he is smiling at Jaejoong to assure him that his heart is working properly in his chest that He will survive another day, that their fairy tale could continue.

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*August 10th, 2017*

Yunho stop their car abruptly in the middle of the road and hold tightly to his chest, between unbearable pain, he looks at Jaejoong with defeated eyes, his eyes are glistening with the crystal clear tear that threaten to escape at any second.

“Yunho, are you alright?” Jaejoong gripped his free hand tightly, his worried is visible, his eyes are moving rapidly between Yunho’s clutches chest and Yunho’s tremble lips that he bites to hold back his grunt, he hates himself, he doesn’t want to be like this in front of Jaejoong.

Jaejoong open the car door wide at his side, suddenly he also feels like he couldn’t breathe himself, the gripped from his hand loosen when finally Yunho pried his hand away from Jaejoong’s grip.

“I am fine now” he didn’t want to look at Jaejoong, the pain subside thankfully and he could let go of his chest which feel like a burning pain a while ago, he turn on the engine and try to drive again when Jaejoong cut him with his words.

“What’s wrong with you Yunho? When will you plan to tell me about it? Don’t treat me like a fool” Jaejoong speaks between gritted teeth and holding back tears.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now, can we wait until we reach home?” Yunho gripped the wheel tight, almost crushing it.

“No, I want to hear from you now, Do you think I didn’t recognize your pain? You think I don’t feel it too? The sadness that linger in the air even when you laugh with me, when you space out most of the time into the storm like it will take you at any second from me” this time Jaejoong couldn’t hold back his tears any longer, the sobbing mess escape his mouth , his palms that he place with defeated in his laps practically filled with his tears, he could even wash his face with it, the tears just didn’t want to stop, it keeps dripping from his cheeks and he could taste the salty tears that enter to his mouth through his lip corner.

There is along silent that keep dragging on and on, only the thunder can be hear from afar, the grey clouds migrate slowly toward their location, the rain will probably start soon, the winds blow hard enough to send the open door car to close slowly, Jaejoong through his blurred vision tried to stare at Yunho’s figure that didn’t give him any respond, he thought he won’t get any sound out of Yunho, as he pushes the door to go out from the car, only then Yunho start to speak audibly.

“I tried, God knows I do, to die slowly alone in my bed thousand miles away from you and doesn’t cost you any regret or misery by knowing someone like me but I am so much of a coward, selfish bastard” He didn’t look at Jaejoong, his eyes fixed to the storm coming to their way in the sky, the tiny drop of rain hit their windshield.

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