5.

Jongin is less likely inclined to agree with Yixing. He believes that life is out to get him, well, more specifically, Zhang Yixing is. All he wants is to have his moment in the spotlight, his moment where people look up to him and not Yixing. Where people don’t compare him to others, but rather compare themselves to him. It’s unfair, but life is unfair. That’s just how it is. He refuses to accept it though and he thinks the best way to solve his problem is to make the change happen on his own. That’s what he strives for when he recovers from his weak state in the hospital.

When Sehun enters the studio that morning, he’s surprised to find that Jongin is already there, panting heavily and sweating enough for him to realize that Jongin has been here rehearsing for a long time. He wants to yell at his friend for being so stupid and stubborn, but he restrains himself, because others are starting to file in and gawk at the ballerino performing several turns. It’s then that Boa arrives and furrows her eyebrows at the sight of Jongin forcing himself to dance.

“Jongin, my office.” She says with an authority that startles Jongin so that he stumbles out of his performance.

When Jongin finally seats himself in the office, his legs are trembling and he’s itching to get back out into the studio, because he saw Yixing enter just after Boa called to him and he wants more than anything to show Yixing what he’s capable of. He won’t throw away his career like that idiot did, he’s got plans to show him up. To take titles that Yixing could’ve had, but will never get the chance to anymore. The determination in Jongin’s eyes is almost frightening to Boa when he looks up at her.

“What are you doing here?” She asks finally with a sigh.

Jongin blinks in confusion, “I’m the lead in the upcoming show-”

“No,” Boa shakes her head, “You’re not.”

“What do you mean?” Jongin feels a lurch in his stomach and tightness in his heart.

“You’re supposed to be resting, Jongin. You’re going to hurt yourself if you keep continuing this way.”

“No, I’m fine!” Jongin protests as he rises to his feet, “This is my first time as a lead, please Boa, I-”

“When you’re fully recovered, you can come back and tryout for the part of the lead. Right now you’re still to weak.”

“The performance is only a week away! You can’t just cancel it-”

“I have no intentions to. I’ve already picked someone to replace you.”

The knot is Jongin’s stomach clenches tighter and his body shakes, because he already knows, but he asks anyway, “Who?”

“Yixing.” Boa replies curtly.

“Yixing,” Jongin repeats through clenched teeth, “Of course.”

Boa rests a cautious hand on Jongin’s shoulder and to her surprise he doesn’t shrug it off, “You can stay for today’s practice since you’re already here, but I want you relaxing for the next month. No more showing up here, do you understand? Don’t make me assign someone to supervise you.”

Jongin shakes his head, “No. I understand fully.” his voice is tense and Boa shivers inwardly at the tone he’s taken. She knows he’s changed and that he’s been changing all this time, but there’s nothing she can do about a doctor’s order.

Jongin is seething when he’s forced to sit down and watch the dance practice. He hates this. He hates Yixing. He hates the smile on Krystal’s face as Yixing laughs and twirls her into his arms. He hates that look on Sehun’s face when he asks if he’s alright. He hates everything and the only person he has to blame is himself, but he denies this. It’s not his fault, it’s Yixing’s fault, he decides as Yixing looks at him with a sympathetic smile that he wishes he could slap off his face.

It’s dark now and everyone is gone home for the night, Sehun left with Krystal on what may or not be a date, but Jongin wasn’t listening when he spoke to him in the locker room. Jongin had been expecting Yixing to come in through the doors all smiles, but he never did. He discovers him still dancing as he makes his way to leave. Now, Jongin sits in the waiting room watching Yixing dance. The guy doesn’t seem to know when to quit and it’s annoying to Jongin to see Yixing perfecting moves in one hour that took him nearly a month to figure out.

He watches with dark and loathing eyes as Yixing smiles in the mirror, his chest heaving and his shirt damp with sweat. Something about the sight stirs Jongin’s insides, makes him hate Yixing even more. His eyes follow the lines of taut muscles as Yixing walks towards the showers and he follows him there, sits in the locker room in impatience as silently as possible while the shower runs in the background and Yixing hums a tune to himself.

The shower comes to a stop and Jongin’s body starts moving on it’s own accord. He stalks into the shower room and waits outside of the stall so that when Yixing finally draws back the curtains, he’s shocked to see Jongin standing there. It makes Jongin smirk a little, because Yixing really is too clueless as he stands there, blushing furiously and pulling the towel tighter around his hips.

“What are you doing here, Jongin?” Is all he managed to say before everything else spiral downwards like the water swirling down the drain.

Jongin had meant to just yell a little at Yixing, express his hatred and then storm out so he would know that he was the reason that Jongin wants to crawl away from his life. Whatever happened to those plans was unknown to Jongin as his hand comes down hard against soft flesh.

The sound of the sickly slap that resonates off the tiles of the shower room disgusts even Jongin when he hears it. He cringes at the noise, but his gaze is still harsh and directed towards Yixing, who now has a red handprint right across his left cheek, is pressed up against the shower stall and staring at Jongin in horror.

The tears that pool in Yixing’s eyes are not new ones, he remembers crying like this the first time Jongin had touched him. Recalls the way Jongin hadn’t pushed him too far and had let him go. This time, it’s different. Sure, both times Jongin had been angry, is angry, but this time Jongin takes it a step too far and he knows it. Jongin knows it too. If the look of pain in Yixing’s eyes hadn’t been enough to tell him after his hand made contact with the beautiful, porcelain skin, then the way that he collapses onto the wet, tiled flooring in nothing but a towel is a sure sign.

The ache that rises in his heart is enough to make him want to vomit. He didn’t mean to hurt Yixing… But he realizes that maybe, all this time, he really had. And he doesn’t like this feeling that comes with knowing that he hurt the only person who seems to be on his mind 24/7. He wants to take it all back, everything he’s ever done to him. Perhaps that’s why he drops to his knees, fully clothed, barely a second after Yixing has slumped to the floor and tries to pull him to his chest.

“No,” Yixing croaks and it’s enough to make the rest of Jongin’s world shatter around him, because he just wants to be a source of comfort for him and why is Yixing pushing him away?

And he realizes it’s because this is how it’s always been between them. He would hurt and push and ruin Yixing until he was on the brink of destruction every time and he would have to get back up on his own. He doesn’t understand how Yixing could always smile so brightly when Jongin was such a jerk towards him. Such a monster. He knows this now and he’s so sorry. He wants to say it out loud, but he can’t find the words or the voice to take back everything he’s ever done to him. He can’t forgive himself for this and doesn’t expect Yixing to ever accept his apology, but he vows right then and there to never lay another hand on the man he’s in love with.

And then it hits him hard.

He’s in love with Zhang Yixing and there was never a time that he wasn’t.

It’s always been Yixing.

"Hyung," Jongin's voice is soft and broken and that gets Yixing's attention, because Jongin has only ever called him that once before.

"Hyung," he says it again and Yixing sniffles in response, "Let's get you dressed so you don't catch a cold."

Yixing wants to say no, but Jongin is right. He can't afford to be sick before the next big performance. He tries, really tries hard, to get up on his feet, but he's so shaken that he falls onto the tiles again with a pathetic smack.

Jongin reaches out with a hand, to wrap around Yixing, but he retracts almost immediately when he thinks of how he hurt him. He's almost positive that Yixing wouldn't let him anyway out of fear. He lets his hand hang in the air as an offer to help the elder, but he won't touch unless Yixing allows him, that’s what he decides.

The cold touch of Yixing's soft, damp skin sends a shiver through Jongin's body (or maybe that's because he's getting cold too) as he helps the older up onto his feet. He’s startled by the action, is surprised that Yixing would even allow them to touch again, but he’ll do anything to make things right between them. To make things the way they should have been all this time. He wraps a gentle arm around Yixing's waist and guides him to his locker.

The silence between them is deafening, yet somehow the most comfortable they have ever been with each other. Which strikes Yixing as odd, because they've never been content with each other before. And certainly the situation is not one he would associate with the word. But here they are and Yixing has never felt as comforted any time prior than he feels now, because there's no tension and Jongin keeps looking at him and blushing before looking away.

Once Yixing is fully dressed and Jongin changes into extra clothes, they slip outside into the cool air of the spring evening. They part ways without ever saying a single word to each other and move on. Yixing is unsure what it is exactly that’s passed between them, but he knows something is changing in Jongin. This knowledge makes the corners of his lips twitch upwards in a slight smile as he trudges home wondering if the print on his face is still visible. It is.

Jongin is aware of the change within himself. He feels like an idiot for never seeing it before, the way he truly feels about Yixing, but he figures that explains his abnormal jealous behaviour. He wants to change it. Is changing it. And it starts with admiring Yixing instead of trying to outdo him. He can’t help the smile that spreads across his face at the thought of Yixing and wonders how he could possibly make it up to him, but he figures one small step at a time is the best way to approach this. So, he will stop harassing the elder. Instead, he decides, he will look up to Yixing as his senior, the way he should have all along, and show him the respect he deserves as the company’s best dancer.

He hopes that the handprint on Yixing's face disappears soon, because he's too beautiful to have an awful mark on his face like that.

The handprint does fade and by morning Yixing can't decide if it was a dream or not as he traces over his cheek with careful fingers while his reflection stares back at him in the bathroom mirror.

❦❦❦

Yixing doesn’t know what to expect from Jongin anymore.

The month following the slap, when the boy finally returned from his sick leave, Jongin was exceptionally kind and it sort of weirded him out (not to mention Sehun who had noticed a change in his behaviour as well). The younger dancer had given him his water bottle when Yixing realized he had none, he had also been waiting at the side to give him his towel after practice and even offered to rub Yixing’s shoulders after he complained about them being sore. He had told Jongin that he was fine and that it was nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a warm shower.

“Hyung,” Jongin says when Yixing finally enters the locker room and Yixing is still not used to hearing that at all, or the sweetness in his voice, or the kindness in his eyes.

Hyung, like he suddenly recognizes that Yixing is the older one, as if he’s looking up to him. Something is off and he knows that this is probably just another one of Jongin’s ploys. If he’s nice enough he might get into Yixing’s head. If he keeps acting this way, Yixing thinks his stupid crush might become something more and maybe Jongin knows that too. Maybe that’s why… Yixing doesn’t want any part of it.

Yixing sighs, “What do you want from me, Jongin?”

Jongin is slightly taken aback by this new tone from Yixing, he didn’t think the elder was ever capable of sounding irked by him. He presses on nonetheless, “Yixing-hyung, I was wondering if you could help me.”

“Help you?” Yixing says it slowly, repeating the words as if maybe he’s heard the younger incorrectly.

“Yes, help me.” Jongin confirms with a nod of his head and Yixing is sure that he’s gone crazy now.

“With what, Jongin?” Yixing asks, the words coming out thick with annoyance.

Jongin’s afraid he might be crossing some lines and thinks maybe it was too soon to ask Yixing for his help. He fidgets, nervously, quietly and it’s uncomfortable for the both of them.

“Well?” Yixing asks tapping an impatient foot.

“Help me dance.” Jongin blurts.

Yixing furrows his brows in confusion, “What?”

“Yixing-hyung, you’re the perfect ballerino… Every move you make is flawless and I want to be able to dance like you too. Please show me…”

Jongin’s face is flushed with embarrassment and Yixing’s jaw has dropped so far that he’s not sure he’ll be able to close his mouth again. When Jongin’s words finally settle in his mind, he manages to swallow hard and nod his head slowly, even when the images of Jongin’s hostility resurfaces from his memories as a reminder of the boy’s true nature. But, he’s always dreamed of this, touching Jongin and leading him. Showing him how to dance. He wants to help him become the dancer that he aspires to be. Since Jongin is asking so nicely, he can’t help himself. There’s a bubble of excitement in him, but he keeps it down for a stone-cold face.

“Follow me,” Yixing says, leaving the locker room.

Jongin is surprised by Yixing’s easy compliance and scrambles to follow after him towards the studio. When he thought of asking, he never thought that Yixing would say yes. He certainly didn’t think that when he asked that Yixing would want to start practicing right away. He didn’t complain though, he wanted this. He was excited by it.

“You want the lead role in the next ballet, right?” Yixing asks, but he’s not even looking at Jongin, he’s just looking at his own reflection in the mirror of the studio.

“Hyung, I-”

“Do you?” Yixing makes eye contact with Jongin in the mirror, voice stern and eyes more serious than Jongin has ever seen them before.

“Yes, hyung, of course, but-”

“Then watch carefully.” Yixing starts the music on the stereo, it’s low in the background, and he begins a la seconde for the dance. Jongin watches in awe as Yixing turns his body, the muscles rippling beneath his shirt and it doesn’t even seem to bother him, like this is what he was made for. He moves then with eyes closed, easily into the fifth position with his right foot in front and it’s a wonder how he manages to do it without a hitch. Jongin is studying each and every move as Yixing jumps with his legs crossed and executes a flawless entrechat six, moving his legs before and behind while in the air. He lands soundlessly as he always does, as if there’s no weight to him whatsoever, with his left foot in front.

“Jongin-ah,” Yixing sighs breathlessly as he opens his eyes and Jongin swears his heart nearly leaps out of his chest at the soft voice, “You’re paying too much attention to how I move.”

“That’s how I learn…” Jongin tries to explain, but Yixing is shaking his head.

“Yes, that is how you learn the technique, but that’s not how you learn to dance. Anyone can learn the technique, Jongin. What you want to learn is how to put your heart and soul into it. You have passion for dance, I know that, I’ve watched you for a long time. You’re enthusiastic about it all, but you have no heart. You need to find a reason to dance and it can’t just be to beat me either - there's not enough passion in it. You need to understand why I move. And then you need to find your own reason to move."

Jongin has never heard truer words in his life and he thanks Yixing at the end of their first session with a low bow. He decides he will find a reason to dance, but he thinks he may already have one. When he walks outside, a cool breeze ruffles through his hair and the sweet smell of cherry blossoms meets his sense - spring is just starting. Jongin smiles to himself, because it reminds him of Yixing, because he always smells like that after a shower. He can’t help wondering what it is that Yixing dances for. He decides to ask him the next time they practice together.

You're wondering where the heck I've been for the past week and the answer is simple: I forgot I had a few papers due and spent the entire week working on them, I cry. Anyway, this update is kind of short, but I hope that you won't mind? ^^; I have a couple free weeks now since most of my things for school are due in several weeks from now. Updates will still be slow, sadly, but I will do my best to bring you more!