4. 

There are some things that happen in life to us that we can’t quite explain and we can never understand. We wonder why good things happen to bad people and why bad things happen to good people. Fate seems to be cruel in that regard. And we tell ourselves that everything happens for a reason, but do we really believe that? Do we really believe that the bad that happens to us is all for some greater reason?

Kim Jongin doesn’t.

Zhang Yixing does.

❦❦❦

There was a large chandelier dangling from the middle of the room - grand, but unseemingly so by the crowds of people gathered there. Yixing stood in the middle of the room, a young boy with a bright smile on his face. He was only twelve years old, but he had been dancing for years so when the music began in the corner of the room where the band situated themselves, he easily took the hand of a young girl and they waltzed together. He easily took the lead, a complete natural on his feet when the music started. And his heart thrived off of the thrill that came with the movements, graceful and yet somehow the most lively thing in the world. It made him come to life.

‘He ought to be a dancer.’ One woman said as she took a sip of her wine.

‘He will be,’ Yixing could recognize his Mother’s voice from anywhere and he felt proud in that instant. Proud that his Mother believed in him.

Dancing was not something that Yixing could explain. It was something he felt. Something he needed to live off of, because it was everything he needed to make himself complete. At the age of fifteen he performed on a grand stage with the biggest grin on his face. He hadn’t expected such a prominent role at such a young age, but standing center stage with the spotlight focused on him as he performed as the nutcracker was everything to him. And when the crowd stood in applause for him at the end of the show, he cried for what would be the first time, but certainly not the last, as his heart swelled with happiness.

Yixing joined the lead cast outside of the centre’s doors for the photograph of the annual performance and so that he could greet audience members as they shuffled to their cars. He smiled brightly and soaked in the compliments and the shock when people discovered his true age. There was something entirely satisfying about being able to blow people away with his ability. He figured he could only get better from here on.

‘You were amazing,’ a small voice caught Yixing’s attention by surprise when he looked down to see a small kid, a few years younger than he, looking up at him with sparkling eyes.

‘Thank you.’ Yixing replied with a smile and reached out to ruffle the small boy’s hair.

The kid smiled, ‘I want to be just like you when I grow up!’ he exclaimed tugging on Yixing’s hand.

Yixing’s heart skipped a beat at the words and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling even if he tried to, ‘If you work hard, you can make it. I believe in you.’

‘Really?’ The kid asked, his voice filled with excitement, ‘You believe in me?’

Before Yixing could respond, the boy was being ushered away by his parents and leaving Yixing with unspoken words of ‘I do.’ He smiled to himself as he let the compliments rush in. This was it. This was what Yixing wanted in life. To be looked up at, to be seen as someone to aspire to be for pursuing his passion. Dance.

Ballet, Yixing quickly learned, was not the only style of dance he took an interest in. Of course, there was ballroom and waltzing and salsa. There was more than just classical and traditional dances and he longed to learn them. However, his parents seemed to be only interested in what would make Yixing famous as a dancer. What would make them agree to his pursuing it as a career. Still, he wondered what it would be like to dance freestyle as they passed by dancers on the street - the ones that Yixing’s parents would turn their noses up at in disgust.

Yixing was a good boy, though, and as a good boy he obeyed everything his parents said. He met with counsellors and coaches during his high school years and managed to catch the eyes of several universities. The only one that Yixing’s parents cared about was the one in France. A prestigious institution that had turned out some of the most distinguished names in ballet. Yixing had argued against it, since the distance was a bit intimidating, but after his Father’s shouts had defeaned him into a silence, he agreed that this school was the best option for himself. He decided this as he covered up several bruises on his face with make-up, forced on a smile and assured himself that everything would be alright as the tears fell from his eyes.

The application Yixing had sent to the school in France was accepted almost immediately and suddenly he was being shipped around to various places for training. He didn’t mind it as much as he thought he might, because being away from home had a strange comfort to it. During one of his training camps for the upcoming auditions into the school he had met someone who changed his world forever. He wasn’t sure if he could call him a first love, but he was definitely more than that. Someone who would never leave his mind - a young man who was perfect in everything he did. Flawless even. And he wanted that too.

‘I’m auditioning for that school too,’ the boy smiled, ‘I guess I’ll see you there.’

‘Yeah,’ Yixing muttered as they shook hands, ‘What was your name again?’

‘Taemin,’ The boy laughed, ‘Lee Taemin.’

It was shortly after this point that Yixing started hurting himself, unintentionally of course. He saw Taemin as a threat, someone who might take away his chances at the scholarship with the school. So he stopped eating. Taemin was so thin compared to himself, he was so light on his feet and it was unnerving that he couldn’t land as nicely as the other boy did. He thought being weightless was the key and naturally that meant eating less. It all made sense in his head.

‘Aren’t you coming with us to supper?’ Taemin asked on the last night of the camp.

Yixing shook his head, ‘I’m not hungry.’

Taemin frowned, ‘You haven’t been eating much recently, Yixing. Are you sick?’

‘It’s none of your concern.’ Yixing said coldly, ‘Just leave already.’

‘I’m worried about you.’

‘Don’t be.’

Audition number one went smoothly. He danced perfectly and passed immediately. His parents congratulated him with faked smiles as they enveloped him in a hug. Yixing was a little less than impressed, because he noticed that Taemin had passed too. And with a better score than himself.

‘Looks like we’re both in!’ Taemin smiled, ‘I’ll see you at the second audition, yeah? Good luck!’

‘Who was that, dear?’ Yixing’s Mother asked as they walked to the car, ‘A friend of yours?’

‘Not really.’ Yixing muttered as he slipped into the backseat of the vehicle.

‘He seems sweet.’

‘Well, you know what they say,’ Yixing sighed as he looked out the window in annoyance, watching as Taemin laughed with a group of dancers, ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’

Audition number two did not go as planned. Yixing hadn’t eaten anything in so long that his body couldn’t take it anymore. He pushed and pushed, but it was too much. He was frail and weak. Skin and bones, but just barely - more like dust in the wind. He was turning in a pirouette, everything spinning in his world when it happened. Bright lights a little too bright in his eyes and he faltered. Felt himself fall, but he out before then. He woke up to more bright lights, ones that assaulted him harshly and made him groan in agony. He was greeted with unwanted news and even more unwanted looks from his parents.

‘He’s been starving himself.’ The doctor explained to Yixing’s Mother who took to sobbing into her hands, ‘I suggest you take him to be admitted into an institution that will take care of his mental state. He seems to be under too much pressure and stress. It might be better for him to get away from his daily life for a while.’

‘I see.’ Were the only two words that Yixing’s Father had to offer that day, but Yixing knew better. The rest of the words his Father had to say were meant for his ears and his ears alone. And they would be shouted at him, screamed even, in the confines of his office as he banged Yixing around. Like every other time, everyone in the household would pretend everything was alright, they would brush it off, just because this was how the Zhang family did things.

To Yixing’s surprise, this did not happen. What did happen had been even more so unexpected. He found himself on the step of his old home with two bags, one in each hand, and a knapsack on his back. There were no tears in his eyes when his Father told him that he was no longer his son. There was no sense of loss or sadness when he was kicked out and onto the street. There was nothing. What he did feel was numbness. A numbness for losing everything he had worked for to Lee Taemin. The headlines were everywhere about the young dancer who had won the scholarship to the university in France. Very few of them mentioned the unnamed kid who had fainted during the second audition rounds - the one who had been one of the top dancers until just a week ago.

Living on the streets had not been part of Yixing’s life plan, but it was surprisingly easy for him to adapt to it. Possibly because he had already lost all hope and he just felt like a leaf floating in the wind being blown from place to place without concern or care or choice. He met people during this time that accepted him for who he was - a dancer.

One young man named Donghae often greeted him warmly and took him under his wing. He showed him how to dance differently. Showed him how to express himself without all the technique. It was exciting and new and real. It wasn’t classical or forced, but free. He loved every second of it and proved to be good at what he did too. Donghae got him a job as a janitor with a company so that he could pay the bills and move into an apartment. Until then, he lived with Donghae who introduced him to people like Yifan and Jongdae.

‘Donghae says we can compete in the upcoming tournament downtown if we focus hard enough.’ Jongdae said relaxing into an old, dusty sofa.

‘That could be fun,’ Yifan smiled, ‘What do you think Xing?’

Yixing shifted, ‘I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet-’

‘Nonsense,’ Jongdae cut him off with his exclamation, ‘You were practically born ready to dance! I don’t know how he does it, Yifan, but that boy can move.’ he said jutting his thumb in Yixing’s direction.

Yifan laughed, ‘Yes, yes he can.’ he said with a wink.

This was how Yixing learned to live. It was not what he wanted nor what he expected from life, but he accepted his fate. Dancing seemed to be of a second nature to him and he figured out that he could pick up other dance styles without even trying, from just simply watching or turning on a certain style of music. It was surprising to discover such hidden talents, but it made his heart soar once again and he found new purpose. Yifan and Jongdae had even named Yixing their new leader after Donghae had said he was moving to New York to teach at a dance school. The sudden responsibility hadn’t even phased him and he took the role of leader so simply.

It was the night before one of their big dance battles that Yixing found himself cleaning in the dance studio of a ballet company. His boss had said it was a new contract that they had signed on to clean the place three times a week. Yixing sighed heavily as he pulled out the mop and bucket, annoyed when he nearly stumbled over his own feet, but caught himself naturally on the bar in front of the mirror, the wooden handle of the mop hitting the floor with a thud. He looked up from the floor then and into his reflection. He stiffened at the sight of himself - he could barely recognize the man there when he noticed his surroundings. He hadn’t tried a single ballet move in years and wondered if he even knew how to dance that way anymore.

He figured he must’ve looked hysterical when he moved into first position and smiled at himself in the mirror, the same way he did as a child, but now in his work uniform. He turned about on his right foot and executed a perfect pirouette. And then he felt it. The flutter in his heart, the way it skipped a beat as if he were looking into the eyes of his crush. Yixing’s first love, ballet, back to make his mind race once more.

The way his body moved after that was entirely natural. Nothing forced, all from memory. He danced steps to The Nutcracker, every step as lively as the last. He knew it like the back of his hand and without thinking he managed to perform flawlessly regardless of the grey jumpsuit with the janitorial company name on the back. He was surprised with himself when he finished, breathless and a huge grin on his face like this had been the only world he had ever known before. He was even more surprised when he heard someone behind him clap.

‘Well done,’ it was a female voice and it startled Yixing so that he nearly jumped out of his skin.

‘I’m sorry,’ Yixing squeaked, bowing apologetically, ‘I didn’t realize anyone was still here. I was just… I was just cleaning.’

‘Cleaning,’ the young woman mused, ‘Was that what that was? It looked like The Nutcracker to me.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Yixing said softly, picking up the mop in his hands, ‘It won’t happen again.’

‘Why not?’ the woman frowned, ‘I’d love to see you dance more.’

‘Please don’t make fun of me, ma’am.’ Yixing frowned, ‘I’ll just clean and be on my way.’

The woman laughed, ‘What’s your name, kid?’

‘Yixing. Zhang Yixing.’ he said shyly as he moved the mop back and forth in front of himself.

‘You’ve got some real talent, Zhang Yixing. Any reason why you’re working as a janitor?’

‘I don’t think it’s any of your concern…’ Yixing cleared his throat, ‘I’ll just finish up here and-’

‘My name is Kwon Boa. I own this studio.’ The woman smiled sweetly, ‘Therefore, I think it is most definitely my concern. I know a good dancer when I see one. I’d be crazy to pass up on someone like you.’

‘Like me?’ Yixing asked mildly stunned.

‘Someone who doesn’t just know how to dance, but someone who dances from the heart.’ Boa explained, ‘I’d love to have someone like you in my company. Would you be willing to attend the tryouts next week?’

‘What?’ Yixing’s asked dumbly.

‘Next week. Saturday morning at 9 am. I hope to see you here at that time.’ Boa smiled and tapped her finger against her chin in amusement at the look on Yixing’s face, ‘Make sure you wear something more comfortable than that.’

Saturday morning, 9 am on the dot, Yixing found himself warming up in the corner of the ballet studio. It was unusual being in a place like this again and he felt an uneasy nostalgia washing over him. He frowned as he stretched out his back and slumped against the wall in melancholy. That was when a bottle of water waved in front of his face and his eyes snapped up immediately to meet those of a smaller, prettier boy.

‘My name’s Luhan.’ He smiled, ‘You look like you could use a drink.’

‘Thanks,’ Yixing mumbled as he took the bottle, undeniably thirsty. He almost hoped that the boy would go away, but the boy didn’t as he plopped down next to him.

‘And your name is…?’

‘Yixing.’

‘Yixing,’ Luhan repeated, ‘Don’t look so nervous.’ he laughed as he ruffled Yixing’s hair, ‘Boa is accepting about ten students today and there’s not even thirty of us here. There’s a good chance you’ll get in. And if not, she holds tryouts once every month for positions in the company. There’s no need to worry.’

Yixing raised a brow, ‘And you know all of this because…?’

‘Ah,’ Luhan blushed, ‘This is my third tryout…’

Yixing snorted despite himself - there was that familiar way of cockiness and competitiveness that came with being a ballet dancer in the harsh world of judgement, scholarships and perfection, ‘What’s the point in trying if you keep failing?’

Luhan frowned, ‘That’s a poor attitude. Dancing is something I love! I’m not going to give it up just because I can’t seem to pass some tryouts. I’ll just keep pushing myself until I finally make it and then I’ll push myself even more. You can’t progress if you just give up, right?’

‘Mm,’ Yixing sighed, ‘I guess you’re right.’

‘I’m always right.’ Luhan laughed, ‘You’ll learn to get used to that.’ he winked.

That morning, Yixing passed the tryouts. Luhan did too, much to the boy’s excitement. Dancing with the company started Monday and each day would be the same as the last. Practices and rehearsals. Yixing realized that it wasn’t something he minded much - in fact it was something he quite enjoyed. It was the old feeling of his first love come back to greet him and remind him why he started dancing in the first place.

‘We should go out to celebrate,’ Luhan decided, hooking his arm with Yixing’s, ‘Since we’re new best friends and all.’

Yixing blinked in confusion, ‘What?’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Luhan laughed, ‘Don’t act so surprised. I like you, Yixing. Not like that, don’t make that face. As a friend, a brother even. Let’s go then, shall we?’

So that was how it had happened. Yixing lost everything, had nothing and then became something out of it. That something was a passionate dancer, the passionate dancer that had always been hidden inside of himself. The one that didn’t need technique or skill, because everything that dancer had was raw talent by the way he moved to music, let his emotion take over. It was nothing compared to the awful task of pretending to be perfect and certainly more than living day to day life moving to the same beat over and over again while wondering what you’ll have as your next meal. That didn’t mean that he stopped training and learning altogether. And it didn’t mean that he had given up his other styles of dance either. It just meant that now he had something to really live for, something that he was comfortable with. The life he always dreamed of, but didn’t realize he would be able to attain.

❦❦❦

Yixing believes that everything happens for a reason. Even when he thinks back on those awful memories of his childhood and reflects on the way he lived his life up until a few years ago, he knows that they are all a piece of who he is and they are all an equally important part of him. They made him the person he is today and that is what really matters - who he is right now. The real Zhang Yixing.

He hums happily to himself as he drinks in the warm cup of coffee Minseok brought him and sinks back in the comfy chair at the far end of the cafe. No one really knows the whole story, but no one really needs to know. If they want to know, he’s willing to share. Until then, everything is safely inside of his heart and he’s content with it there, because he accepts it. Without those instances in his life, he would have never met Minseok, would have never become the leader of his underground dance troop, would have never met Luhan and would certainly have never met Jongin. But mostly, without any of the trials he went through in life, he would have never known happiness.

He figures that it’s bittersweet.

Midterms are over - like I literaly just had my last one this morning yes on a saturday. Last week was actually the week from Hell because I ended up with the stomach flu on the very first day of exams and that was enough to kill me so yeah ;~; Here we are though! And I'm pleased to bring you chapter 4 (though unedited)^^ xo, TadaChi