Let's Not Fall In Love

(click for song)

 

(“Hello?”)

*

Let’s not fall in love, we don’t know each other very well yet

 

I remembered the day I had a lunch date with my twin sister, Kwon Yuri when she brought you along. 

 

“Oppa, meet my best friend in university.” Yuri gestured her arms towards you. “Her name is Im Yoona” 

 

“Annyeong Jiyong-ssi.” You bowed down to me, your hair cascading downwards.

 

That was the first time I met you and I was already intrigued by you. The way you laughed with your mouth wide open (nothing lady-like but it was so perfect), the way you flipped your hair to the back, the way you smiled at me and the way your eyes always shine whenever you look at me?

 

Or was it just my imagination? 

 

It was without a doubt, love at first sight. We didn’t know each other very yet, with you sometimes addressing me as Jiyong-ssi even though I’ve told you countless times to drop the formality. And sometimes whenever we see each other on the streets we would just nod our head to acknowledge each other. No enthusiastic hand waves, no fancy high fives, no big hugs, just a curt nod (and maybe a smile tugging at the corners of our lips).

 

I didn’t mean to dwell so much on the thought of you but let’s not fall in love, we don’t know each other very well yet. Let’s just be friends, who only nod their heads from a far distance because even like this, the thought of you consumes me, and we’re not even in love. 

 

Yet.

 

*
Don’t ask me anything
I can’t give you an answer
We’re so happy as we are right now
Don’t try to have me
Let’s just stay like this

After that day, Yuri made it a compulsory to bring you along on our weekly lunch dates. And at first it was awkward, what with us not knowing each other, but I still feel connected whenever I catch your brown doe eyes staring at me. As time went by days turn to weeks, and weeks turn to months and now we’re having our own lunch date with Kwon Yuri in sight. 

 

Over the past couple of months, we had grown to be very close (more than can be considered normal, but we brushed that off). We were best friends, we knew each other at the palm of our hands, but we were greedy for more. 

 

Every Friday afternoon, we would continue our “traditional” lunch date at the café near your house. You really love going there since that’s the only place where people don’t usually go to since Starbucks was three blocks away. Over the past couple of months, the café would be our definition of a hang-out (or date, either way), even the aunty had grown accustomed to our orders and sometimes would always prepare our beverages beforehand. 

 

I remembered one day, it wasn’t raining and it wasn’t sunny either, according to you, it was just perfect. The sun was blending behind the grey clouds creating a warm sunny hue around the café. We had our usual orders with the seating by the window and started chatting about random things when you suddenly said it.

 

“We look like a couple, don’t we?” You asked me, facing outside the window to hide the blush on your cheeks. But I recognized the smile playing at the corners of your lips. “Let’s just stay like this Ji.”

 

I didn’t know what to say so I said nothing. I didn’t reply you and you didn’t seem to want an answer from me. You simply turned back around to face me and started talking about elephants and how they shouldn’t be kept in zoos, but not before giving me a small smile that radiates disappointment.

 

Were you disappointed with me that day Yoona? I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have asked me anything because I can’t give you an answer that you want to hear. Be honest, we’re happy as we are right now, aren’t we? Don’t try to ask for more, especially not from me. Don’t try to have me, because I can’t guarantee you happiness, I can’t guarantee you a solid answer. And after knowing you, you deserve an answer that won’t break your heart.

 

*
You’re making it more painful, why?
Goodbyes after our frequent meet-ups
Repetition of broken hearts

 

It’s been months and our relationship grew stronger (edging at the blurred lines between lover and friends). But even after all this months you would still ask me the same question at the same place and I’m still mute to reply to them.

 

(“Don’t you think we look like a couple?” “What is love Ji?” “Do you think we’re soulmates?” “Let’s grow old together hmm?” “Why don’t we fall in love?”)

 

You’re making it more painful, why? All the questions you asked would always leave a bruising scar in its wake. You made it obvious every time we’re together that you’re in love with me. Even though you didn’t specifically say out the words, I would have been blind not to see the love you have for me. It was running deep and I was too scared to react. 

 

Our goodbyes at the end of every day would portray the sounds of your heart breaking bit by bit. Every time we meet up, you would ask questions and I wouldn’t know how to reply to them. You would laughed it off and continue chatting about other things. You didn’t even ask for answers from me, because deep down you yourself knew the cost of falling in love. And just like that our lunch date ends with a repetition of broken hearts.

 

*
I can’t find a purpose in these foolish feelings
A mistake with the mask of love
All the feelings are the same now
But in this moment, I want you to stay

 

Every night I drift away in my own thoughts and emotions. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that it’s okay, that it’s going to be alright, I just can’t find a purpose in these foolish feelings. It’s too risky and burdensome.

 

I remembered my parents, and how they got together. It was a whirlwind of emotions and feelings, but it was just something caught in the moment. It wasn’t real. It was something abstract and not solid enough to hold two souls together. It wasn’t strong enough. It was a mistake with the mask of love. And I tell myself every day that I don’t want to see either one of us having to pay the price for it.

 

But even with all these going on, I want you to know that our feelings are the same now. Hasn’t it always been since the day we met? Cheesy as it was, but it was love at first sight and nobody could take that away from us. It’s just a matter of pursuing into it deeper which in this case I didn’t, because I’m a coward. I’m too scared to get too deep into our feelings because I don’t know whether I’ll still have you at the end of the journey. So I hug you a little tighter every time we meet because I’m too scared to lose you.

 

But in this moment, I want you to stay.

 

*
Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes

 

It was night and we were lying down on the cool grass, our backs hard against the ground, with my arms wrapped behind your head. It was a beautiful night, holding billions of stars that looked like diamonds. 

 

“Let’s make a promise Ji.” You said, eyes still looking at the stars. “Let’s promise to be there for each other, always.” You looked into my eyes with a tinge of hope.

 

I sighed and looked away. I didn’t dare look to deep into your brown eyes because the things I find there are too powerful. So I looked back at the stars above and replied with a silent hmm.

 

‘Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes’ was all I could think of in my mind but I dare not say it to you, so I just held on to you tighter as the stars continued to twinkle.

 

*
Don’t smile at me
If I get attached to you, I’ll get sad
I’m afraid that pretty smile will turn into tears
Don’t try to trap us
In the word, love
Because it’s a greed that can’t be filled

 

Even from the first time we met, you had me wrapped around your fingers. I knew I was in trouble when you laughed and my heart dance on the sound. And when you smiled at me, you look so beautiful doing so and I’m afraid that one day, your pretty smile will turn into tears. So please don’t smile at me, because if I get attached to you, I’ll get sad. 

 

On days when we’re too busy with our own lives, I would sometimes hear your voice, like a soft whisper in my ear that sounds like a beautiful melody. I should have realized it sooner that I was slowly falling into your trap of love, but I didn’t, because deep down I was also trapping you in my love. 

 

We had each other, but we still wanted more. I wanted your love, every aspects of it, but I was hesitating to give you mine. I didn't realize that I was hurting you in the process, but I should have known because love is a greed that can’t be filled.

 

*
At first, it was half excitement, half worries
But in the end, it became an obligation, trial and error
Day by day, I get nervous, your innocence is too much pressure on me
But tonight, I want you to stay

 

Whenever we’re together something always happens. Maybe it was because of your usual chodding behaviour or maybe it was me always letting you pull me into trouble, but we didn’t care. 

 

At first it was half excitement and half worries. 

 

Like how you would sometimes start a food fight with me in the supermarket at 3 AM when nobody is around, and I would play along with your antics, throwing away stacks of food at you with the aisle being our barrier. The supermarket was messed up and the aisles were dishevelled, but we didn’t let that worry us.

 

That was us months ago, we didn’t give a damn about anything. We just wanted to enjoy the moment together, but somehow in the end, it become an obligation, a trial and error.

 

We hug, we kissed each other on the cheek, and we did things that crosses the boundary. There’s a fine line between friends and something more, but you and I both turned a blind eye because we wanted something more. Day by day, I get nervous, your innocence is too much pressure on me and I feel like I’m going to explode any second when I’m with you. 

 

You snuggled closer to me, burying your face into my chest. “I’m so sleepy right now.” 

 

“Then sleep.” I replied with a chuckle. I your hair trying to soothe you to dreamland. 

 

I watched your expression falling asleep. You looked so beautiful, so pure and so angel-like, in contrast with me, and yet you looked comfortable in my embrace. The angel and the devil. The thought scared me because an angel shouldn’t find solace in a devil, and I should have pushed you away.

 

But tonight, I want you to stay.

*
Don’t expect too much from me
I don’t wanna lose you either
Before things get too deep, before you get hurt
Don’t trust me
You always call me
A selfish bastard

 

After a year of knowing each other, we had our first big fight. And I was to blame for being the reason it happened. 

 

“I love you, Ji.” You looked at me with tears threatening to fall. “And I know you love me too, but you won’t say it, and that makes me anxious because I don’t want to lose you.” 

 

Don’t expect too much from me, I don’t want to lose you either.

 

“Sometimes I feel like it’s a one-sided love, but when I look into your eyes and I see your feelings reflecting back, I don’t know what to do.” You sighed dejectedly. “Should I even be made at you for causing me this pain?”

 

Before things get too deep, before you get hurt…

 

“I’ve trusted you Ji, since the day we met and I know you trust me too.” You came forward to stare me into the eyes. “It’s you isn’t it? You don’t trust yourself.”

 

Don’t trust me.

 

You sighed and took a step back. “I’m in love with such a selfish bastard.” You chuckled bitterly and shook your head. 

 

You always call me a selfish bastard. And I guess I am. I want you, but I’m too scared to want you.

 

No matter where I go or what I do, I see you, like you’re stained in my mind. And whenever I walk into the old coffee café where we used to go for conversations, I can’t help but smile and laugh, like you’re beside me. And in that instance, I know what I have to do.

 

*
Let’s not fall in love, we don’t know each other very well yet
Actually, I’m a little scared, I’m sorry
Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes
But I really mean it when I say I like you

 

(2 months into our friendship. Let’s not fall in love, we don’t know each other very well yet.)

 

When I first met you, it was love at first sight, and I tried to hold in my feelings before I fall too deep into your love. Because in the beginning we were just strangers, but somehow without us knowing it, we were tied to each other by destiny. 

 

“Ji, why won’t you give me an answer?” You looked at me with the apparent sadness in your eyes.

 

“We don’t know each other very well yet Yoona.” I looked away. I couldn’t bare see the sadness within your eyes. 

 

You nodded and walked away from me. I could only stare at your figure as you walked further away from me. I wanted to call you back, to scream your name and hugged you like how we always do, but I didn’t.

 

Actually I’m a little scared, I’m sorry.

 

(7 months into our friendship. Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes.)

 

Between us, we’ve never had any promises and it’s because of me. I didn’t like to make promises because I’m not brave enough to see through it, I was too scared to hope because anything could happen and all that’s left will be broken promises. Promises can break a person, especially a person like you, someone with high hopes and beautiful dreams.

 

“I love you Ji.” You smiled at me, but the smile didn’t reach your eyes. “I’ll wait for you.” You whispered, your unshed tears filling up your eyes.

 

Even though life can be terrible, I will love you unconditionally while my heart still beats. And although I’ve never said it aloud, but I really mean it when I say I like you Yoona and I hope you’re willing to give me a second chance.

 

*

 

“I love you.” It was quiet, but you froze at the sound, like it was the most important thing in the world.

 

“Say it again.” You turned your head to look at me.

 

“I love you.” I whispered.

 

*

(“Hey love, are you ready for our date?”)

 

A/N: Yayy, done with this songfic which was requested by Serahh and exoyoong08, even though based on the poll this had the least votes lol. I hope this makes sense. So if you guys didn't know already, this was kinda like a past memory and in the end Ji had the courage to ask Yoona on a date so they could start falling in love without the fear of falling in love, hence the phone convo in the beginning and the end. Also, the last verse of the song was something like a throwback to when their friendship was during 3 months/ 7 months and when Ji finally confessed his love. Yayy for a not sad ending \O/

 

Lol and why is it I always make songfics based on Ji's POV? OTL Anyway, I'll try to update the next chap within 2 weeks ^^ Hope you guys enjoyed reading it and feel free to comment :D 

 

PS: this is a very lengthy songfic and I’m not sure if you guys enjoyed shorter ones or longer ones. Thoughts on it?