Song inserted in this chap: I Love You by Yoon Mirae. (credit to owner)

I used to be a very shy person when I was a kid. Wherever my parents brought me to, I have to make sure my father or my mother is close to me. I’m the only daughter in my family and I don’t like to mix with anybody. Whenever I was close to other children or stranger, I felt nervous, uncomfortable, scared and suffocated.

I still remembered the first time I had a panic attack… I was only 7 years old. That day was my first day going to primary school and the first time I met with so many people without my parents around me. When other children started to approach me, my body began to tremble and I couldn’t breathe. I hate it when they come so close to me, I hate it when they touch me. My head spin, my eyes became blurry and I don’t remember what happened next. The moment I woke up, I was already in the hospital. Since that incident, I was diagnosed with a panic disorder.

It took three years long for my father to be successful in treating me. He used all kind of method to heal my panic disorder and slowly brought me back to a normal life like other children. I don’t really remember the whole process but I know strawberry candy play a very important role. I love how the sweet taste spread in my mouth and calm my mind. When my father passed away, I was so sad. My mother and Professor Kim were so worried but I told myself no matter how sad I was, I have to stay strong. My father wouldn’t want to see me suffer with sickness again.

I thought I was fully recovered. My panic disorder didn’t recurred for more than 15 years. But since I met him, everything changed. I don’t understand why he could affect me so much. The way he ignored me at first, the way he intimidated me, the way he act like he want me and later pushed me away… everything was so overwhelming. And that day… when he pinned me over the table beneath him, when he was so out of control and was trying to force himself on me, the fear that once haunted me rushed back and hit me all over again.

That was when I noticed something is wrong with me. I started to get nervous very easily and the symptoms of panic disorder slowly appeared. Trembling, sweating, short of breath, dizzy, couldn’t speak fluently and unable to focus at all. And at the same time, I found out the reason why he was hiding himself in Montmartre. I have no time to look into my problem because the one I worried and care more is him. I just want to stay with him, take care of him, and make he is okay. I don’t have time to think about myself.

But everything was a lie. I thought I was dreaming when I heard him calling my name. I thought he finally speak again. I tried very hard to stay conscious but my head is spinning so badly that I couldn’t hold it anymore. The next thing I know, I was already lying on a hospital bed. The nurse said I fainted and was sent to the ER. Finally there is someone that could speak in English. And when I was about to ask her where is he, a familiar yet unfamiliar voice creep into my ears. That voice was deep and hoarse. Although I don’t understand what the owner of the voice was talking about but I’m very sure I heard that voice before. Ignoring the nurse protest, I climbed down the bed and ran out.

I was right. It was really him. My heart was dancing in joy… at first… but slowly it dropped to my stomach. He spoke. He was talking to the doctor so fluently and yet we were communicating through lips reading all this while. I was an idiot. I trusted him but turns out he just treat me like a fool. I hate him and I just want to run away from him but… he stopped me. He held me so tightly in his arms and when I want to push him away, he said the three magical words that make my world stopped in an instant.

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“I love you…”

The three magical words slowly echoed into Park Shin Hye’s ears. She was stunned, froze in place, unable to move. He is lying. She keeps reminding herself not to fall into his trap anymore.

When Min Ho didn’t get any response from her after a long while, he started to panic and felt uneasy. He wanted to look at her and ask her a lot of things but he dare not to push her further. Her reaction when he found her at the back alley and in the ER just now worried him so much. She was always very calm and no matter how he try to scare her, he never seen her like that before. And the medicine she took just now. The doctor said she might be fainted due to panic attack and that’s why she was taking the medicine. But why? He thought she was fully recovered. Was she lying or it just recurred recently? Or… was he the one who cause her like this? His mind was flooded with confusing questions but he have to force himself to be patient and not to pressure her. He can’t let anything happen to her. He has died a thousand times when she fainted in his arms just now.

“Liar…”

After what seems like forever, Shin Hye finally broke the deafening silence. But her word gave him a pinch in his heart. He couldn’t hold it any longer. He can’t let her misunderstand him again, not when she is so weak and so vulnerable.

Clenching his jaw, he pulled back and twirled her around to face him. A deep sigh escaped his lips the moment he saw her face. Her eyes were red, clouded with sadness and her cheeks were covered with tears. A pang of hurt hit his chest hard and that feeling make him breathless. What have he done to her? She used to be so strong but now…

Holding her firmly in place, he looked into her teary eyes. “What did I lie to you?” He asked softly.

Shin Hye bit her lip and another tear rolled down her cheek. “You lied that you are sick, you lied that you are unhealthy, you lied that you are a mute, you lied that you need me, you lied that you want me and now…” She paused to breathe in some air. “… you even lie that you love me.” She sobbed as both her tiny palms started to hit his chest.

“Why are you doing this to me? You know I like you. You know I’m suffering and torn between my job and my feeling for you. But you just wouldn’t stop and make it even harder for me. Why are you so cruel? I hate you.” She continued to cry and hit him as hard as she can.

Ignoring her tiny fists that were still hitting his chest, Min Ho pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly against him. “It’s my fault… my fault. I’m sorry.” He said as his arms tightened even more when she struggled. “Please don’t cry anymore. I’m sorry.” He whispered into her ear and embraced her securely in his arms while his fingers caressing her nape, trying to calm her down. He heaved a deep sigh. He didn’t know woman could be so difficult.

When Shin Hye couldn’t move her hand in his tight embrace, she gave up and let herself to cry painfully into his chest. She cried out all her dissatisfaction, anger and the pain since she met him. Min Ho didn’t stop her and just let her cry. He wants her to let everything out.

Neither of them know how long has passed but Shin Hye has stopped crying now. Her body was soft and relaxed, leaning her weight against him. With his hand still her back soothingly, he gently kissed her hair.

“Are you done?” He asked in a hoarse voice. It has been so long since he last spoke and now, because of this woman, he can’t be a mute again. He needs her to know that he is not lying. Everything she felt for him, he feels the same too.  

“It’s late now and both of us didn’t eat anything for the whole day. Should we go to eat something before we go back to rest?” He asked again as he slowly pulled away from her, looking at her.

Shin Hye sniffed and her eyes were glaring at him. “I hate you and I hate your voice.” She lied. She know it very clearly that no matter how much she hates him for lying to her, hearing his voice was the best thing that ever happened.

Min Ho was slightly taken aback but chuckled after a while, feeling amused. “This is your fault. You are the one who make me talk and now you have to bear with the consequences.

Shin Hye lifted her hand up, attempt to hit his chest again but this time Min Ho was faster. He grasped her hand and pressed it tightly against his chest.

“Halftime for now.” He smirked. “We are both frightened today. Give us a break and continue the war after we feed our stomach, okay?” He paused and looked deep into her eyes. “We have a lot to talk about tonight. No one could escape.”

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By the time they finished their dinner and came back to Min Ho’s rented room, it was already 10pm. Shin Hye has been very quiet and still angry with him throughout the dinner and their walk back to the rented room. She didn’t talk to him and he doesn’t dare to speak either, since she said she hate his voice.

Shin Hye went straight to the bathroom and take her shower when they were back. When she was done, she took a book from her luggage and just sat at the couch, ignoring Min Ho like he was not even there.

He watched her for a moment before he heaved a deep sigh, walked to his luggage, took his clothes and made his way to the bathroom with heavy steps. After about twenty minutes, he finished his shower and when he came out, his heart immediately dropped to his stomach when he couldn’t see Shin Hye in the room. He got panicked but before he could react, a soft tinkling sound echoed into his ears and caught his attention.

His eyes searched for the sound and landed at the balcony. The balcony doors were wide opened, letting the soft wind blowing against the curtains. And the sound that he heard a while ago was coming from a wind chime that was hanging in the middle of the curtain rail. It was not there when they came back just now.

“Get a grip. I didn’t run away.”

Min Ho was shook off from his deep thoughts when he heard Shin Hye’s voice from the balcony. He quickly walked forward, pulled the curtains apart and saw her standing there, with her body leaning against the balcony rail, her back facing him. A deep sigh of relief escaped his lips.

“You almost give me a heart attack.” He said as he slowly walked forward and stopped beside her.

“I know. I heard your loud and heavy breathing.” She said lazily. She still feels weird and unfamiliar with him talking to her like a normal person. Except for the fact that he was lying to her, she was actually happy that he could speak again and… she likes his voice. It was deep and smooth, breathy and raspy.

“What are you doing here?” Min Ho asked in a wary tone, staring at her cautiously.

Shin Hye inhaled a deep breath. “Looking at the beautiful night view of Paris. I didn’t know that this room is facing such a nice view.”

Min Ho turned to the front and smiled slightly. “This is one of the reasons why I chose to stay here whenever I come.”

“With the soft wind blowing against me while looking at the breathtakingly beautiful Paris view, my mind will be clearer to think and figure out why I was such an idiot, being fooled around for so long without even suspecting it.” She said again.

The sarcasm in her voice earned a deep sigh from Min Ho. “It’s not like that.” He turned and looked at her.

She chuckled softly. “Not like that then what?” She asked, meeting his gaze. “You were lying to everyone since you were 12. I know Selective Mutism couldn’t speak due to anxiety or traumatic past and no matter how they tried, they still couldn’t speak because they are affected by their mental illness. But you…” She paused and breathed deeply. “Yes, you had a traumatic past and it caused you a huge damage mentally. But it didn’t affect your voice. You can speak whenever you want but you just pretend that you can’t. No wonder Professor Kim could not solve your case. The problem is with you all along. You are just using your sister’s death as an excuse to punish yourself, punish your parents. How can a 12 years old kid be so scheming and extreme? You are very scary.”

Min Ho gritted his teeth as his eyes darkened. The anger that began to surge through his blood was as hot and fierce like burning fire. He reached out and grasped her arm, turning her over to face him. His eyes were darted at her dangerously. “Do you think it’s fun to play havoc with my emotions? You know I will go crazy when you touch that topic. You can say anything about me but don’t you dare to talk about my sister.” He warned her with a threatening tone. Just when all those words slipped out from his mouth, he regretted. Her face got paled and her eyes were reddened. Her breathing quickened and her gaze was clouded with fear. His grip around her arm naturally loosened when he saw the change of expression on her face. He sighed helplessly.

“What am I going to do with you?” He said, releasing another sigh after her breathing became steady and normal again.

Shin Hye didn’t reply and just look at him… sadly.

“I told her to wait for me in the beach house.” Min Ho spoke again, breaking the deafening silent after a long moment.

Shin Hye was confused with what he said at first but slowly realized that he was talking about what happened on the day his sister passed away.

“I told my mother so many times that she have to stay in the room with her, keep her accompanied.” He paused and in a sharp breath. “But they didn’t listen. My father was busy with his business talk on the phone. My mother got boring watching my sister drawing in the room and left her there alone to do her own work. My sister was lonely and came to the beach to look for me.”

He looked at Shin Hye and let out a sad smile. “The day before we went to the beach house, she told me that she wanted to join a painting competition in the school. She needs some beautiful seashells for the painting.”

“And… you went to the beach to find the seashells for her?” Shin Hye asked softly.

Min Ho nodded. “We were chatting, playing with the sand and we were so happy before a huge wave suddenly slammed on us. It happened so fast and I can’t even do anything to save her. I grabbed her hand once… but the second wave was so strong and I lost her again. When the man got me in the water, I kept telling him to save my sister first. I can still hear her voice. I begged him to save her and don’t bother me but he just don’t listen. He grabbed me to the shore and when he returned back to the water, it was too late. He couldn’t find her. It was already two days later when the police found her body.” He inhaled deeply, closing his eyes to calm himself down. “Why didn’t he listen to me and save my sister first? Why didn’t he save her first?”

His hands started to shake and Shin Hye quickly stepped closer, holding his hands tightly in hers, trying to support him with her strength and her warmth.

“They just wouldn’t listen.” Min Ho’s eyes fluttered open again as he continued. “I never ask anything from them before. What my sister and I want is just a little bit of their time for us. That day was my damn birthday. They should at least put some concentration on their children and if they did what I said, the accident wouldn’t happen. If they are not so careless and don’t even know that my sister ran to the beach to find me, the accident wouldn’t happen.” He paused again, breathing deep and sharp.

“I’m tired of talking when no one is listening.” He chuckled sadly. “They were so scared when the doctor said something is wrong with me after the accident. I would never forget the fear I saw in my father’s eyes. Was he worried about me or sad for my sister’s death?” He shook his head. “No. None of that. He was just worried that if something happen to his only heir to fight for his father’s business, his life will be doomed.”

A sharp pang hit Shin Hye’s chest upon hearing what he said. She wanted to tell him that even the whole world doesn’t listen to him, she will be there… listen to everything he want to say.

He looked into her eyes with a sincere gaze. “I didn’t lie or pretend. You were right that I’m punishing myself, punishing my parents but I didn’t use my sister’s death as an excuse. I just… don’t know what to say to anyone… anymore.”

“I’m sorry…” Shin Hye held his gaze and bit her lower lip. “I didn’t mean it that way. I was angry and frustrated… I’m sorry.” She inhaled deeply and swallowed hard. “Today… was so overwhelming for me. When I woke up and found you missing in the room, I was so scared. I thought you ran away and hide somewhere to… to do something stupid. I was not familiar with this place and I can’t communicate in French… I was lost, anxious when I couldn’t find you. And then… you were standing there with the doctor, right in front of me… talking.” She said as she slowly looked down, avoiding his eyes.

Min Ho moved his hands up, cradling her jaw with his palm, forcing her to look back at him. “I was not running away. I…” He inhaled a deep breath. One of his hands leaves her face and took her hand up. He caressed her wrist gently and sighed deeply. She followed his gaze and she was surprised to see a blue-black bruise on her wrist. Now she remembered. He was having a nightmare last night and the bruise was caused by his grip when he was still unconscious from his dream.

“When I woke up this morning, having you sleeping in my arms…” He paused and smiled slightly. “… it was the best morning that I had after a long time. I know I have no way to escape anymore. I’m tired of pushing you away. But just when I thought I could make a different, I saw this bruise that I left on you when I was out of control last night. I was…” He shook his head. “… I don’t know what to do. I want to move on but… I’m afraid that I will hurt you in the process. I need a little bit of time and space to calm myself down and think everything thoroughly before I make any decision.” His hands moved up again and cupped her cheeks. “I’m not running away from you. I was just walking around the square to do some… thinking.”

Tears started to well in Shin Hye’s eyes. “I thought… you were hiding somewhere to hurt yourself again.” She whispered.

Min Ho let out a soft chuckle. “Because of the fuss you created, I almost forget that today is my damn birthday and my sister’s death anniversary. You are really a good and a bad distraction.”

Looking up to meet his eyes again, Shin Hye took a deep breath before she asked him carefully. “So… what did you get… after thinking for the whole morning?”

“I got… a fact that I already knew it since the day you walked into my room… walked into my life.” He said, looking deep into her eyes.

“What is that… supposed to mean?” She asked again in a shaky voice.    

“It means…” He paused as he inched closer, his left hand s behind, folded around her nape and his right hand moved to her waist, drawing her to him at the same time. “… you succeeded in healing me… and your love cures me…” And without waiting for her to react, he leaned in and kissed her lips.

♩ ♪ ♫ ♩ ♪ ♫

Because we spent such a long time together,

I was comfortable with you as my friend
I didn’t even know this was love and that’s how things were

If I don’t see you, I miss you, you keep appearing in my dreams
I can’t sleep every night, I spent it in tears because I was afraid of your rejection

♩ ♪ ♫ ♩ ♪ ♫

Shin Hye’s eyes closed naturally the moment their lips touched. His kiss was so gentle and so different from the last time. He makes her feel special, feel… loved and precious. Her breathing started to hitch and her heartbeat quickened when he slanted his lips over hers, deepening the kiss even further. He brushed his tongue along her lower lip, begging for his access. She gasped with her lips parted slightly, just wide enoug