Song inserted in this chap: I’ll Listen To What You Have To Say by Yoon Mirae. (credit to owner)

Lee Min Ho… The first time I saw this name was on the file of the case that Professor Kim gave me. This name is unfamiliar and yet it brought me a strange feeling. Feelings that make me want to meet him, want to know him, want to help him. How can a person keep himself in his own world so well, so long that no matter how hard an experienced psychiatrist like Professor Kim tried to break in, he still couldn’t make it through.

The moment I saw him in his study room for the first time, I was surprised. He doesn’t look like a mental illness patient that I imagined he was. He is handsome, very handsome that everything about him could take every woman’s breath away. Except for not being able to speak, he has no different like other normal people. But when we look into each other’s eyes, his gaze almost stops my heart. It was dark, it was lifeless but the intensity was so strong, like a suction trying to my soul away from me.

I was right about him. He was dark and dangerous. He was controlled by his trauma and was locked in his own world. He refused to come out because he felt insecure. But at the same time, I could sense that my presence has become a shock to him. He was totally caught off guard with everything I did. He was surprised that I’m not scared of him. But in fact, he did scare the hell out of me. It changed him, it changed me.

This was the first case I handle after I graduated and came back to Seoul. I didn’t expect I would be given such a difficult assignment. Am I strong enough to handle this case? Am I strong enough to handle this man that always increase the rate of my heartbeat whenever I saw him? Why am I having this weird feeling that I have never feel before? The fluttering feeling in my heart, the tingling feeling in my stomach… it’s all so foreign to me. Am I starting to get addicted? Addicted of seeing him, addicted of being scared by him, addicted of him being close to me, addicted of his fresh and manly scent, addicted of his deep and intense gaze or… am I just addicted of healing him?

No! I can’t! I’m a doctor. I’m a professional psychiatrist. I can’t be confused with my own feelings. I’m here to help him. I can’t mix my personal feelings into my work. This is not right. I was interested, I was addicted, I was attracted because his case was different and challenging. It’s not him. It’s definitely not because of him. But how come my insistence begins to crumble when he started to open up himself and talked about his past? The pain and unshed tears that he had built up in his eyes, it broke my heart. He was trembling, trying so hard to hold back the emotion that was torturing him. And it pained my heart even more that it even covered the headache I’m having.  

Without realizing it, I leaned forward and hugged him tightly, thinking that I could spare him some support, some warmth to remind him that he is not alone. At that moment, I know I’m in trouble. I’m handling this case, this patient, this person, this man against my ethic as a doctor. When he looked at me with that expectant and pleading gaze, asking me to stay… my heart wavered. Should I stay? He said he doesn’t want to be alone. In fact, I’m worried to leave him alone either. Can I stay… using the doctor-patient excuse to stay by his side?

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“Can you stay over tonight? I don’t want to be alone.”

Dazed and slightly confused, Park Shin Hye blinked her eyes several times, taking another clearer look at the wordings on the notepad. As her vision came into focus and confirmed what she read what right, she slowly gazed up, staring into the pair of intense eyes. Her head was spinning and continued to spin even more now.

“I-I… I can’t…” She bit her lip, looking at him. She has to say no but something inside of her is betraying her rational mind.

Lee Min Ho inhaled a deep breath before he wrote on the notepad again.

“Just for tonight… just stay here for tonight. I promise I won’t do anything. I just…”

He stopped writing and just stared at the notepad blankly. He doesn’t know how to continue or what to write that could convince her to stay. In fact, he doesn’t even know what is wrong with him. How can he ask her to stay? She was here because of her responsibility as a doctor. She is just his doctor who trying to help him. He can’t use that as an excuse to make her stay for his own self-obsession.

Shin Hye glanced at the unfinished sentence and waited a moment for him to continue but when he doesn’t, she looked up at him again. “You just… what?” She asked in a wary tone.

Min Ho heaved a deep sigh before he continued to write again.

“I’m sorry. I think I’m out of my mind. Don’t bother what I wrote just now. I’ll get the driver to send you home.”

He looked at her and smiled slightly. He put the notepad and pen down on the bed before he stood up and wanted to walk out of the room.

“L-Lee Min Ho-sshi…”

Shin Hye called out for him and both were stunned for a moment when their eyes met once again. She sighed silently and felt defeated. Her rational mind wanted to go, to leave this dangerous place as soon as possible but it seems like her body is refusing to oblige.

Min Ho stared at her with questions floating around his eyes, waiting for her to continue.

“I… you…” Shin Hye paused and exhaled softly. “Are you sure Professor Kim already told my mother that I’m here? I think it will be better if you could take my phone to me and let me call her myself. I don’t want her to worry… if I don’t go back tonight.”

A new hope sparkled in his eyes upon hearing what she said. He nodded his head and a young boyish smile flashed on his face. Without waiting for her to ask further, he opened the door and later came back in with her phone in his hand.

Shin Hye couldn’t help but smiled at his cute reaction. Although they only known each other for less than a month, but this was the first time she saw such a smile on his face. That was definitely a new kind of emotion she saw on him. Is that… happy?

When he handed her the phone, she took it and called her mother. Nah Young Hee was not pleased when she told her that she wouldn’t be coming home tonight. She wanted to call Yoo Yeon Seok to fetch her but after she insist and convinced her that she will be fine, her mother finally gave up.

“Is everything alright?”

Min Ho held his notepad and asked her after she ended the call with her mother.

Shin Hye looked at him and nodded her head, assured him with a smile. “She is just worried because I’m having a fever. But I told her that I will go back early tomorrow morning.” She narrowed her gaze at him. “You will let me go, right?”

He laughed as he looked down and wrote something on the notepad. 

“I’m not some kind of psychopath that will imprison women in my house.”

“Then why do you want me to stay here tonight?” Shin Hye asked, staring into his eyes. There was a brief silence between them until she spoke again. “You were always alone. You said you don’t like people around you. Then why you want it to be different tonight?” She paused and continued to look at him. “Why you don’t want to be alone tonight?”

“Because of you…”

Shin Hye widened her eyes and looked up from the notepad with a shock expression. Because of her? What does it mean?

“What is that supposed to mean?” She asked.

Min Ho smirked at her surprised expression as he moved the pen to write again.

“You should sleep now. You are still having a fever and your head is still spinning, remember?”

Shin Hye grasped his hand and shook her head. “Since I listened to you and agreed to stay here for tonight, you should at least listen to me too.” She paused and looked at him. “Talk to me.”

Min Ho held her gaze and sighed deeply.

“You still want to give me a counselling even when you are so sick like this? Can’t you just give it a break and rest just for tonight?”

Shin Hye shook her head again. “I like to use my time effectively. This will be the best time for me to talk to you because you have let your guard down when you see me so weak and sick. I don’t want to miss this golden opportunity.”

He just let out a soft chuckle without replying her.

“Tell me…” Shin Hye asked again. “What did you mean of not wanting to stay alone because of me?”

He looked into her large beautiful eyes that make his breath hitched in his throat. It took him a lot of strength to tear his gaze away from her and not to lose control.

“Because you keep pushing me to talk about something that will make me have insomnia tonight.”

He stopped for a brief moment, inhaled a sharp breath before he continued.

“The dark world that you said I created for myself… it’s a very scary place. It’s not only dark there but it’s very quiet and cold. Tonight… I don’t want to stay there.”

Shin Hye’s brows creased, looking at him. “If you know that place is so scary, then why do you still want to stay there? You have a choice. You can choose to come out from that place.”

“Because I already told you that I’m not healthy. I’m scared of being there but at the same time, I feel safe to be there. I think besides of selective mutism, I have self-torture issue too.”

“You are not.” Shin Hye shook her head, disagreed with him. “I think instead of self-torture issue, you are having serious trust issue. You don’t trust the people around you even if they could help you. You think they don’t understand how you think, what you think.”

“Do they?”

 Min Ho looked at her, as his gaze grew dark.

“If they really understand what I think, then why they never try to listen to what I’m trying to tell them? Because I’m a mute?”

He paused and inhaled sharply before he shook his head softly.

“What I want is not for them to hear my voice with their ears. I want them to listen to me with their heart.”

Although he couldn’t speak but Shin Hye can clearly feel his frustration through his handwriting and she even noticed the veins on his temple starting to throb.

“You mean… your parents?” She guessed.

He averted his gaze as he took a quick breath to calm himself down. His eyes were flashed red with rage. He tried very hard to hold back the anger that was starting to burn inside of him. He needs to stay controlled because he doesn’t want to hurt her.

Shin Hye knows that she have to stop pushing him further for tonight. It was already a big step of improvement that he was willing to talk about his sister. She shouldn’t be greedy.

“Do you know why I always carry a box of strawberry candy with me?” She asked, changing the sensitive topic that provokes his extreme emotion. And she succeeded in diverting his attention. He turned back to her and waited for her to explain.

“Have you heard about panic disorder?” She asked again.

Min Ho shook his head.

“Panic disorder is different from the normal fear or anxiety reactions to stressful events. For normal people, when you are nervous or scared of something, your heart rate will increase or you will tremble or sweating. All those are normal. But for panic disorder patient, it’s a serious condition that strikes without reason or warning. A person with panic disorder develops a constant fear, which can affect daily functioning and general quality of life. A normal event such as work, meeting, school exams, sports, competition or even just a normal gathering can cause a panic attack.” Shin Hye explained.

Min Ho narrowed his gaze, feeling confused.

“What is this panic disorder had to do with the strawberry candy?”

Shin Hye bit her lip, looking into his eyes. “I was diagnosed with PD when I was 7 years old.”

Min Ho widened his eyes, giving her a disbelief gaze.

“Even though it was not serious and just a minor PD but whenever I was scared, uncomfortable with unfamiliar surroundings or strangers, I will start to have panic attack. Difficulty breathing, dizziness or felt like fainting, trembling or sweating. My mother was so worried that I couldn’t adapt with the school life at that time.” Shin Hye paused and smiled slightly. “But luckily I have my father. He was my saviour, my hero, my angel.”

“Your father is a psychiatrist too?”   

Min Ho held the notepad up and asked.

Shin Hye shook her head. “My father was a psychologist. They are trained to make diagnoses and provide individual and group therapy. We are basically doing the same thing but the only difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist is they cannot generally prescribe medications while we can.”

“So… he was the one who treated you?”

She nodded. “Since my condition was not too serious, he started giving me psychotherapy, some kind of counselling that addresses the emotional response to mental illness. It was a process in which he talked to me through strategies for understanding and dealing with my disorder. It was not easy because I was only 7 years old and I can’t understand a lot of things.” She paused and inhaled softly, recalled how his father used to talk to her. “But he was a very patient person. He was very smart and used a lot of method to make me understand.” She paused again and smiled at Min Ho. “Strawberry candy was one of it. Those things that I told you earlier… he was the one who told me. And surprisingly, the candy was so much more effective than any medication. Whenever I was nervous or panic, I’ll put a strawberry candy into my mouth and I will feel so much better and calmer. The sweet taste of the candy will distract the fear inside of me and make me relax.”

Min Ho looked at her for a long moment before he wrote on the notepad.

“Your father must be very proud of you now. You became a psychiatrist and help people like him. It must be very good to work with your father in the same profession. Did you work with him in the same hospital?”

Shin Hye stared at the notepad as her lips were pressed into a thin line. She breathed in deeply before meeting Min Ho’s gaze again. “He doesn’t even know I’m a psychiatrist. He passed away when I was 12 years old.”

A shocked expression spread across Min Ho’s face as he looked into her eyes. He didn’t know that she lost her father at such a young age. Except for her brief profile that Professor Kim sent to him, he didn’t really bother to check her background.

“I’m sorry.”

She smiled and shook her head. “It’s okay. It has been a long time. He was a fighter. He has lungs cancer and I witnessed with my own eyes how he fought against the cruel illness. Even though at the end he still lost to the battle, but I’m very proud of him. He didn’t give up his life no matter how hard it was.” She paused and inhaled another deep breath. “After he passed away, my mother was very worried about me. She was afraid that my panic disorder would recur. But Professor Kim was there to monitor my condition the entire time. Everything was okay.”

“You mean… your panic disorder did not recurred? It’s fully recovered now?”

Min Ho looked at her with a cautious gaze.

“I’m 300% sure I’ve fully recovered now since I didn’t have any panic attack when you pinned me against the wall for more than once. You were literally threatening me and I really thought you would break my hand that day.” Shin Hye said mischievously.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know about that.”

He gave her an apologetic gaze.

“Gwenchana.” Shin Hye smiled as she patted his arm softly. “You said we barely know each other but I’m sure you know more about me now. You told me about your sister and I told you about my father. We have exchanged our story to each other. We are even now.”

Min Ho chuckled. This woman is always full of surprises.

“You are unbelievable, Park Shin Hye.”

“You smile again. Do you know it’s very precious to see a smile on your face?” Shin Hye said as her expression slowly turned serious. “You are right and I agreed with what you said earlier. People always said, ‘I hear you’, ‘I understand you’. But do they really understand what they hear? We always use our ears to hear what other people say but most of us don’t really listen and understand with our heart. Human tends to neglect the most important thing in life.” She paused and looked into his eyes.

“Feeling.” She continued. “Human tends to neglect feelings. It’s an emotional state that contained love, care, affection, sadness, and anger. And because we neglected it, we got hurt and there’s when human started to have mental illness.”

Min Ho held her meaningful gaze for a long second before he looked away and moved his pen again.

“I think I finally understand why I have to pay so much for the consultation fees. I don’t know what kind of magic did you cast on me but everything you said, it somehow make me feel better.”

“It was not magic.” Shin Hye said right away after she finished reading what he wrote. “You feel better because this time…” She looked into his eyes and smiled. “… you listen to what I said with you heart.”

She amazed Min Ho once again. Her smart brain, her smart mouth… it’s not something that he could easily fight over. In front of this woman, he is always the defeated one.

“So… did I heal your insomnia?”

Shin Hye voice shook him off from his deep thoughts. He cleared his throat and replied with his notepad.

“You should sleep now. You are still very sick.”

Shin Hye moved her hand to her forehead and massaged it softly. If he didn’t remind her, she almost forgot that she was sick. The fever is still there but she felt better compared to just now. Her head is still heavy and drowsy. He was right. She needs to sleep.

“Where am I sleeping tonight?” She asked.

“Here.”  

His answer makes Shin Hye’s brows furrowed together. “Here? But this is your room.