Couldn't sleep so I decided to write here. I like having this journal/diary thing because I feel like it would be a way to connect with my subscribers when I have enough.

*shyly scratched back of neck* I guess I should talk about me in this right? I just want all of you potential subscribers to be able to understand me. Basically, I'm the youngest in my family of four. No, there is not family drama, just my mom, dad, my older sister, and me. There's something about me that not a lot of people know because it's not something that you can see easily unless you can read people well.

I'm like those people in fan fics that hold in all of their feelings like a bottle. It just builds and builds up until there are some days when all of those feelings burst out. There's no particular reason behind it, really. But unlike those people in fan fics, I have quite the personality. I'm extremely... well, how do I say this? I guess bubbly would be the right term. Or childish, but not really immature. I have the mentality of a 5 year old at times, or sometimes the wisdom of an age much more experienced than mine.

I don't want to grow up, at least not mentally. Physically, of course. I'd like all of those privelages of an adult and to be able to experience college and life. But I don't want to ever stop my childish ways and playfullness. If possible, I'd like to forever be the 5 year old I am. To laugh at stupid things, snuggle with all my teddy bears so no one feels left out. To blow bubbles into my milk, to race two rain drops on the windows. To be afraid of dark hallways and basements.

I think I'm quite selfish. I think about myself before others a lot, although I try not to. I don't think of myself as a bad person, just a person with flaws and imperfections, a person who can improve.

Now, I didn't think of this reason when I decided to make this but now that I think about it, it was probably one of the best ideas I've had. Since I'm the youngest, sometimees I feel like I'm being ignored, my presence is unwanted, my family doesn't actually care about me, etc. If you're a younger sibling you may experience the teasing as well that just feels like they're going too far. Sometimes, I say something seriously but my family brushes it off. When I have problems I like to tell my sister and she listens, but somehow the conversations always end up on her problems. When I was younger, my parents had yelled at me a lot. This made my pride bigger as I cried and comforted myself. Over the years of being scolded (although it has decreased), I've hardened and don't cry anymore. Acting like I don't care, brushing it off as if it's dust, but in actuality foul words towards the person scolding me or comforting words that tell me I shouldn't care run through my thoughts. Now that I think about it, this is probably the reason why I bottle up all of my feelings.

Friends insulting K-POP? Act like it doesn't matter.

Sister says I can't take care of myself and that I won't be able to do anything in the future? Who cares, you'll be in college in 2 years.

Mom tells me I'm lazy and that I won't be able to go to college because of that? Pft, I got this. I don't need your approval.

Dad scolds me and tells me that I should be able to properly take care of him since I was 8, even though I'm 12 now? I forgot to cook rice, sorry, not sorry. Eat bread.

Yes, I know my thoughts are sort of selfish and their words have some sort of truth in them. I also know that I may seem distant and rude at times but I can't help it. It's second nature to defend myself and act tough.

Whenever things get too hard or the last straw is pulled I have this bear that pretty large. Not as tall as me but large. His name is Yixing because he heals me. His fur holds more of my tears than my mother has seen me cry after being a toddler. When I hold him everything feels alright. His smell and the touch of his fur is enough to calm me down and tell me that everything is okay and that I can do it. Whatever the problem is, I can face it.

So yeah, basically my life story right there. Insult me all you want for whatever it is but we both know I probably won't care and if I do, I have Yixing with me :)

Not knowing what to say for my goodbye,

Love_Mark