Belonging

Taking a deep breath, I held my head up high, put on a neutral expression and walked into the front gates of the school confidently. As soon as I stepped in, I heard the hushed whispers and noticed the eyes that were looking my way, and in a split second, I felt my confidence slowly drifting away. My heart was beating fast and I felt more and more insecure. I suddenly noticed that their eyes shifted and were focused on a group of people on the other side of the school. The whispers gradually got louder and I heard agonizing screams of pain. As I slowly made my way up to the other side, I had approached a scene where there were 4 guys punching and kicking a student that was laying on the ground. There was blood everywhere and I truly felt sorry for him. I took a step forward and was about to speak up but I forced myself to stop and walked away, not looking back. I would’ve helped him but that’d make me a target, I’m not a target anymore, I won’t let myself get bullied, I am not the same Taehyung that was beaten up every day. 

As I walked through the school hall, I saw a kid crouched on the floor, picking up his books. I walked past and kicked his books out of his hand. I don’t know why I did that, I just acted on impulse. I felt a bit sorry as I looked back and saw his eyes casted down but nevertheless, I was proud of myself. I walked into my new class and saw the four guys from before sitting at the back. I could hear them talking as their voices projected loudly across the room, not caring about what the teacher was saying. I sat on the table near them and plugged my headphones in. I was very wary of what was going on around me but I convinced myself that it was fine and that I was comfortable. I heard the teacher calling my name, telling me to introduce myself but I ignored her and put my head on the table, pretending to sleep. All those popular guys at my old school always slept during class. I could hear the sounds of her heels clopping their way towards me, the room dead silent, in an instant, she slammed her hand on my desk.

“Taehyung! Wake up right now! You are not giving a good impression on your first day.” I thought of what I should do and millions of scenarios ran through my head. Either say sorry and be a good kid or ignore her and be cool.

I looked at her with a bored expression, my heart beating rapidly in my chest, I was seriously scared but I took the courage and sarcastically said, “Sorry miss.” Why not do both? Be cool and apologize. She gave me a disapproving look but did nothing else and went back to teaching.

I let out a breath of relief and carried on listening to her during the class, taking a few glances at the 4 people next to me. One of them especially caught my eye. He acted so cool and confident. His presence itself, was terrifying.

During lunch, I walked to a secluded area of the school to sit down and peacefully eat my food. Turns out, that place wasn’t as secluded as I thought. My heartbeat quickened and I started getting sweaty. It was those four guys again, they were all laying down on the grass and just talking. They looked so different, not like the scary guys I had seen bullying other students. I quickly turn to leave but the crinkling of the grass and leaves had them turn their heads. I froze in my spot, trying to avoid eye contact as much as I can.

“Hey, it’s the new kid! Come here, introduce yourself.” I wanted to just turn back and leave but I thought deeply and looked up, with the straightest face I could make, “I’m Taehyung.”

“Sup man! I’m J-Hope,” the guy that had caught my eye before replied enthusiastically.

“Jungkook.” He looked extremely harmless, short and cute but I knew he wasn’t.

“Suga.”

“Jimin.” I awkwardly smiled as they introduced themselves, not knowing what to do. Right now, I had two choices. To either keep the conversation going or walk away. To walk away was what the old Taehyung would do so I shakily walked closer, “Wh-“

“What you did in class was awesome man!” J-Hope cut me off and patted me on the back roughly. I smiled uncomfortably but pretended that I was relaxed.

“T-thanks.”

“What would you say about joining our group?” Suga asked.

“I mean, we don’t just let anyone join but we’ve never seen anyone act the way you do on their first days. They always act like goody-two-shoes, listening to the teacher and trying to become the teacher’s pet,” Jin rambled on. So many thoughts ran through my head, I was shocked, surprised and even happy. This could be my chance to finally make some friends.

“Uhmm, yes?”

“Do you not want to join us?” Jungkook questioned.

Flustered, I replied, “Yes! I mean no! I do.”

As we walked through the hallway, I heard whispers all around. Apparently, accepting a new member is very rare. I kept my head down and walked behind them, nervous of all the talk going on around. Jin stopped for a second so he was walking next to me. He slapped my back, “Why you so nervous man? Keep your head up! Act confident. Then, they’ll be scared.”

For the following weeks, I gained more and more confidence. No one tormented me and everyone left me alone. I thought of school as fun now, but I dreaded the breaks in between classes so much.

“So, you, dobbed, us, in, to, the, teacher?” J-Hope spat the words out in between each kick and punch. I stood behind them, staring down at the student. They all joined in on beating whilst I silently watched. Jungkook looked at me, telling me to join in on the ‘fun’. I couldn’t say no, so I pushed in front and punched him. My punches got harder and harder, my emotions got the better of me and my anger, from all the times that I had been oppressed rushed out.

This always happened, I would stand back, not wanting to join in but as soon as I started, I couldn’t control myself. I knew what it was like to be in his position but my mind was in an emotional corrupted state to even think about what he was feeling.

J-Hope had always thought of pranks to play on innocent classmates but lately, his pranks have been getting out of hand. We were walking to class when J-Hope decided it would be fun to pull the ‘fire’ warning. So the bell stating that a fire was happening in the school, was ringing loudly and students and teachers were running around, trying their hardest to get to the oval, the ‘safe zone’. While we, were spray painting all the classroom walls. I didn’t want to do it. It was too much for me. Bashing up students and now vandalizing school property? It just wasn’t who I am. At some point, I had thought of leaving and just going to school quietly but then, I would be lonely again. I didn’t want to feel that loneliness ever again.

I had found out that a student at our school had committed suicide. A student that had been a victim of bullying. A student that I had beat up. I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. Should I apologize to his parents? Sorry I bullied your son and made him commit suicide. Do I even have the right to apologize? Do I even have the right to come to school and act that nothing had happened? No.

I walked into school slowly, with my head hung low. I was called into the principal’s office along with J-Hope, Jungkook, Suga and Jin. I saw them sitting in the chair outside the door and they all looked normal. Not a bit hurt or sorry after hearing the news.

I regretted it, I regretted joining them so much. They denied everything, saying it wasn’t them. They blamed it all on me. I was about to speak up and defend myself but J-Hope’s stern glare was saying ‘say anything, and we’ll beat you to death.’

I was lonely. Again. This time, it was worse. I thought I had found friends, I thought I fitted in. For once. But I learnt, belonging comes with a price. I was always lonely and hurt physically, but never, emotionally. Once the people who you think are friends betray you, you’re left to deal with the aftermath alone.

I stood at the edge of the bridge on Han River, with the lights hanging all around and happy families chattering away under the beautiful night sky. Once I take a step forward, all my problems will be gone, I’ll be free and everything will end.
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hey guys! back again lmao

I wrote this story for an assessment task at school but I thought it'd be cool to post it up here haaha. I changed the names of the characters though xD I really tried putting myself into the character's shoes for this story ;3 yeah idk if its good or not lolol leave me comments and feedback! much appreciated.

p.s i dont hate any BTS members. i love them all. they're all dorks. <3