(It's been almost 5 years. I still miss that person. And I'm still stupidly hurting. Feb15, 4.18 -4.55)

Jiyong has never been absent. He was always on his seat on the back of the class, listening, keeping not. But his eyes were barely there. He could be ed up in any or other aspects of his life but not this. Not school. No one to keep him company and he doesn't mind it. Not that he is so into and accepting the fact of this solitude and loneliness. He was just welcomed it.

The pain wasn't unbearable. Not anymore.

He has beeen waiting for it.

Since he was in middle school.

For someone to be in love with.

For someone to fall together with him.

Because he is tired, so tired to fell all alone. 

He want to fall, he want to be in love, he want to be loved.

He has been waiting for someone to fill his emptiness.

For someone to be the color for his dark universe.

And he's more than glad that if only this someone could be no one but Seunghyun.

He can't helped but dozing off while listening to this . Art history was his most least fav subject. But this boy who sit at the back of his class was so into it. It almost angered him. Seunghyun can't understand why Jiyong was so into this . Why would anyone loves poetry, classic stories, instrumental music and history/law? Why would a youngster like Jiyong loves that? He can't understand how Jiyong would always be in class 1 hour or so early. He would just sit in their college's little cafe with a cup of black coffee, earphone on, eyes glued to his book. Jiyong didn't even know that Seunghyun sometimes forces himself to woke up so ing early so he could watched Jiyong being domestic, reading and sipping under the dimmed glass wall of the cafe, or under the blinding ray of sunlight. 

Seunghyun always said hi though.

That morning on their second or third year Seunghyun suddenly said next to Jiyong on his fav spot at the cafe. Near the door.

Jiyong was writing something on his laptop. Not reading this time he chuckles.

So he made himself comfortable, setting his coke on Jiyong's table and dragged a chair.

Jiyong is a slow person. After almost minutes of watching, Jiyong has finally noticed him.

So he smiled. Seunghyun started the conversation first, as always.

"What are you writing? Are you planning to meet up with your mentor today? I saw him at the parking lot earlier."

"Yeah. I still editing bits by bits. Will meet him at 9. What are you up to? Have a dissertation test today?"

Jiyong also remembers that Seunghyun looked so damn good that day with white shirt and black tailored pants.

He was almost hallucinated them being on a date.

So he coughed and sipped on his black coffee instead.

"Yes. I must head out soon I guess."

"Good luck, Seunghyun."

"Thank you, Jiyong."

Seunghyun loved the fact that they could talked about everything. Him and Jiyong. Seunghyun remembered everything. The way they used to listen to Rihanna's What's My Name together while finishing their assignment. The way Jiyong tried so hard to rap to Cobra Starship's Good Girls Gone Bad but failed miserably. Because Seunghyun is the kind of this field, rap and pop music. He also remembered that time when he held out his headphone to Jiyong so he could listen to Bieber's Somebody To Love. Not intentionally on purpose, Seunghyun wanted Jiyong to listen right to the verse "I just need somebody to love" as if it would transfer it. 

The thing that he had for Jiyong.

That he need somebody to love and he need that somebody to be Jiyong.

But sadly, Jiyong was reluctant, shy, and afraid perhaps.

He gave the headphone back to Seunghyun after listening to it a few seconds and went back to writing notes.

Seunghyun can't help but flying knowing that Jiyong catched it.

He knew because Jiyong has this smile on his face and he couldn't stop looking at Seunghyun's face too.

So he went back to writing his note and studying because maybe it safer that way.

But Seunghyun knew.

He knew.

And there goes days when they would meet up suddenly in the hallway/cafe/canteen or even foodcourt at the nearest mall. They would always exchanged glances and shy smiles. Jiyong would always be the first to look away and Seunghyun understood him. Because hell Jiyong is an introvert and he really was a shy person. He was thankful because Jiyong has never question anything that he did. The secret glances, the secret lingering smile and touches. He tried so hard not to touch Jiyong's hands when they were sitting next to each other at painting class. Because man, Seunghyun has been imagining carding his hands to Jiyong's hair and also tangling their hands together. If only. If only that could happened. So Seunghyun did it in the easiest way.

Knocked their knees together ever so slighly. Jiyong was too imerged on his painting, he would never knew then. So Seunghyun let his knee bumped to Jiyong's and stay for a good minutes. And Jiyong lets him. Sometimes he would touched Jiyong's fingers, just slightly, because he woule be crazy if he didn't do that. He wanted Jiyong that much. Sometimes he can't turned back to the white board and his mind would goes blank because he was to vaccummed to this boy with shy smile, focused eyes, and nice hair. Seunghyun likes Jiyong's hair the most. He wonder whether Jiyong likes him, even just a bit.

If only Seunghyun knew, Jiyong was head over heels sneakers over him

If Seunghyun loved Jiyong's hair and smile then it's Seunghyun's voice and eyes that he could never forget.

Seunghyun wanted to do  and be a lot of things for Jiyong, he just didn't know how.

He wanted to safe Jiyong when he had bad moods.

He wanted to take Jiyong to nice places to take pictures and hunting together.

Jiyong would bring his Nikon and Seunghyun would be with his Canon.

He wanted to take Jiyong to a lot of dates. Ice cream dates, junk food dates, movie dates, concert dates. And even if, if Jiyong wanted him to go to museum and boring library or bookstrore he would go with him. He would. He really would.

Jiyong missed Seunghyun. He still does it after all this years.

He had never seen Seunghyun's face for years. And he still almost could feel the gittery feeling on his chest.

He still wanted Seunghyun, just not that much. Maybe it doesn't really hurt anymore.

He has stopped crying now.

He stopped crying even after he had dream about Seunghyun because Seunghyun kept coming to his dreams almost every night. And Jiyong is tired of feeling and sulking so he embraced it. If this is the only way he could see Seunghyun again, he could feels, he could touchs Seunghhyun, so let it be.

Keep coming to my dreams. He said everynight before sleep.

He wonders if Seunghyun had ever felt the same.

He wonders if Seunghyun would wanted the same thing, after all this time.

He wonders whether he could have the chance to write poems for Seunghyun, to carress his cheeks and kiss his forehead. Because he saw it happened in his dreams. A whole lot. He almost thought it was real.

He can't help but wonder when will they could collide?