(March8, 8.40-9.14pm. Now I really wonder when will they collide.)

Jiyong comes home quite late tonight.

Comes home to no one. Because he particularly had no one.

His college friends and him aren't talking anymore.

Distance matters.

He doesn't see anyone either.

He lives alone, he pay his own bills, he feed himself.

He is his own freaking company.

He pretends it's all okay.

He pretends he didn't crave companion, he pretends he didn't crave affection and attention, he pretends he didn't want love, he pretends that he doesn't like Seunghyun, not that much at the very least.

Until tonight, he breaks.

It's really tiring.

Living like this.

What's the point of working 9 to 5?

What's the point of earning money only to pay bills and ?

What's the point of living anyway?

and his mind wanders extremely,

What's the point of my existence?

He realized he's angry. He's so angry because he had no one to blame unless himself. He's angry at himself. For being so weak, for wanting and craving for someone/something he knew he couldn't have. They didn't even had a thing back then in college so there's no way in hell, no way in hell right now in the present, Seunghyun would comes up to him and tell him he likes or probably loves him back.

So he let it all happened in his mind.

In his dreams.

He let it, because it's the only place, the only place he could see it's happening.

It's a constant battle.

He's lonely.

He doesn't want much, he only wants a company, someone to be with, someone to share, someone to hold, someone to love.

But then he thinks, he doesn't even have friends beside his coworkers (which he sees every weekday and nothing more), how could he ever got someone to love when he couldn't even got himself a friend?

The more he thinks, the more he feels his headache forming.

So he took his meds. 

Pour it to a glass of water, and he drinks the bittersweet taste anyway eventhough he hates it.

Maybe that's how it feels, love is, bittersweet, it'll be painful but it brings happiness too, maybe.

He's been laying down. And it's raining outside, he's awake when he sould be sleeping, he's thinking about going to work tomorrow morning, he's thinking about the road he should passed, he's thinking about the job he should do, he's thinking about the documents he needs to finished, he's thinking about a lot of things at once. And his headache is back, well obviously. He can helps but think about Seunghyun too. If only he could just once see him, it'll be enough, he won't ask for anything. He will just staring at Seunghyun's eyes and then he'll say goodbye and thank you. If only it would be that easy. It's almost heartbreaking. The way you want someone not as much as the other person want you back. The fears of rejection. He is not sure Seunghyun will reject him if he has confessed to him back then in college but he isn't sure either whether the response would be positive. So he drunks it all in, he closed his eyes, it's 3 am, he only got few hours of sleep before work. And when it's all black, he could still hear the sound of the rain outside of his room and then he sees him. His mind is killing him again. It forms a picture perfect. He saw Seunghyun looking into his eyes, and he extends his arms. Jiyong takes it. They were smiling. And then he sees Seunghyun kissed his forehead. He sees Seunghyun holds his hands, he sees Seunghyun makes sure the road was clear when they were crossing it, he sees Seunghyun smiling and laughing, he sees Seunghyun whispers things to his own ears, but he can't quite hear the words, he sees Seunghyun doing all of the things he wanted him to do. He sees Seunghyun loving him back. 

He fell asleep afterwards.

Feeling a lot of things at once.

And when he woke up two hours later, his cheeks were still wet.

He figured it then.

He was crying. 

While he sees Seunghyun in his mind when he closes his eyes, 

He was crying.

It hurts that bad, it still hurts that he still want Seunghyun this much.

After all these years, he still wants him.

He is still aching. 

From the pain of living, from the pain in his head, and of course from the pain of wanting someone that much.

It's morning and he's thinking about ways to disappear.

Maybe just maybe if he's gone the pain will be gone with him.

The pain will finally leaves him.

He's thinking to get a cig right now at this early morning, maybe the smoke will burns his pain away, but he hasn't been smoking for so long because cig reminds him of Seunghyun so he cancelled it. 

He's laying down again. He just wish he won't close his eyes again so he won't see Seunghyun.