(Hi! Guess I lost my touch in writing, might be writer or creative block but I'm not both yet. I used to be able to write pages within minutes but now I'm left with just a few paragraph in weeks. I can only write when it hits me again so, oh and If you're still reading this, thank you and please bear with me.)

*

It's dark, and as usual, he can't barely acknowledge the fact that even this night, he also is dealing with his own goddamn nagging to the point that he kept tossing and turning. He can't put a stop to own brain, he just kept thinking and thinking about the things that happened and about the things that might've happened. Sleep doesn't come easily at night. He's thinking about the things that once mattered, and about the things that didn't even matters.

Sleep deprivation was such an understatement. It wasn't that he can't sleep, cause this is probably something else. Even though he's not sure of that yet, but this - this feels an awfully lot heavier. This feels an entirely different than just being upset and sad. He just couldn't bring himself to sleep, can't shut his brain off. He was particularly possessed by anger and rage that made him being angry with everything. It irritates the hell out of him - his situation, his life, his acquintances, and himself.

Sometimes he tried to hypnotize himself with positive quotes and phrases that he thought maybe it'll lessen the anxiety. Other times he doesn't even bother to do anything, he'd just lay down under the warmth of his blanket and staring to the ceilling. Of course it's exhausting, he wish he could put this to stop, really. But he found a friend in this hole that he's in.

"It's all gonna be okay, stop worrying, stop planning. It's going to be okay, Jiyong. You will be alright. You'll go on bus by 7 am, the sun will have risen by then, there's nothing to be afraid of. Even if you'll be with new people at class for group projects, it'll be okay, they'll be friendly, you'll be doing fine, Jiyong, you are okay."

Just like that.

He can't help but repeating those mantra every day before class, and also at night before sleep. He always end up fallen asleep late, partly because his brain got exhausted. This has been bothering him, he knew he might need to seek help, but what can a struggling unemployed college student do?

*

He's been putting a hold on his final project. It's been two months, and he couldn't even bring himself to write his goddamn thesis. How can he write when he doesn't even want to breathe?

"I already told you didn't I, Jiyong? You need to do the revision first before meeting up with me."

"Yes, I know that, Sir."

"Let Me talk to him, Mr. Park."

"Come with me, Jiyong."

"Yes, Miss."

"Is there anything happened to you? Did anyone died in within your family? Did you get on a bad bad break up with someone? Did you lost a friend, or a pet?"

"No, nothing happened Miss Seol."

"Then why, Jiyong? You've been gone for two months, and now that the deadline is so near, you suddenly showed up to me and Mr. Park."

"I'm sorry."

"You know that Mr. Park cares so much about you, don't you? I heard he called you a few times, to ask about your revision that you never once touched?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry that I put both of you thru so much."

"I need your commitment, Jiyong. Will you continue to finished your thesis? If you don't want to, we can't even help you."

*

Days had been such a rush. He did all the go-go-go routine, and when it was dark, he finally realized that he is exhausted. 

All he did was pretending to be strong that everything is going to be okay, that he kinda foolishly hope that he would be able to finished his thesis on time. He end up signed a contract with uni though, that he'd finished the thesis himself within the next two months. Of course he's thankful that his mentor and lecturer were such good persons that they had taken care of him as if he's some kind of a important pupil.

He became very good in pretending that he got this, that it's either he finished this hella thesis or let the thesis finished him. Meanwhile, hell no evil even know, no one can make sure what the future will hold. Hope is such a dangerous word, it might let him imagine that he'd conquer everything but at the same time he knew that by doing this, he let himself into the unknown and the danger of the unknown is scaring him. That there is the possibility of him not be able to finished, the possibility of him to fail his 4 years of hard work just because he can't do his goddamn thesis. It's not that he was stupid, he was just confused, thesis was harder that the usual assignments and the fact that he somehow kinda wanted to die doesn't help. 

So right now he is in between. He can't be selfish, he decided. He should at least finished this project and if later on he found out that he still wanna die than he might as well, perhaps. The stress is killing him, he noticed that he had started puking in the middle of the night, break on cold sweat and sometimes he puked before going to school. And the fact that he is in this final project group with Seunghyun is adding kilograms of burden into his already packed head. He was confused as hell cos particulary he and Seunghyun chose the same lectures and these lectures decided to make every students under their care to meet up every week to show their progress. So basically he ended up meeting Seunghyun, once a week. Or maybe less than that, when he's lucky.

*

He's thankful that he still got friends or else he might as well, long long gone. Tired with the world.

Just like every friday, he was sitting in a library with his frustrated with Youngbae on his right.

With words documents open and he just got a few pages that he knew would make him get scolded by his lecturers, again.

"Why do you hate him so much?" 

"Who?"

"You know who."

"You mean, our lectures?"

"Seunghyun, I mean why do you hate Seunghyun that much?"

"I never said that."

"Well, your gestures and your facial expression says it all, why you never even smile or say hi? You guys were close friends!"

"Youngbae, why are you so angry over this? Friendship has expired date."

"But - "

"Mr.Park is here, let's go see him."

"Okay."

*

"I actually didn't know why, Youngbae, but we sorta grew apart with each other. He got new friends, I got new friends. But then things got tier and I found myself only able to talk with you. You know it well, don't you?"

"Okay. I'm sorry, Jiyong. I shouldn't ask you about this."

"It's okay. I guess I was ashamed of myself, that I end up pretending not noticed or not saw him when I actually knew that he was right near me during classess. Things got worse after that, we just naturally stop talking, and we got into different circle or friends and vice versa. Even when we passed by each other, we didn't say hi. It's as simple as that. I don't know him, and he doesn't know me. This happened last tuesday."

"Aren't you sad with that?"

"Do I even have a say about that? I think I got bad that I end up avoiding everyone, I sorta avoided you too though. Glad that you still have my back."

"Jiyong..don't say in the middle of a library."

"Are you okay now? Do you miss him?"

"It's hard, Youngbae. I don't know how to tell you."

"It's okay, I know you do. And I bet he is too. He still look at your direction, earlier. You just pretended that you didn't notice him."

"Don't get my dead feelings up, please."

"I swear to God, Jiyong, I saw how he looks at you."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore, Can I go home?"

"Okay. Yeah. Sorry If I pushed you, I'll walk you to the lobby."

*

He can't help but wonder what will happen, if he and Seunghyun were still close.

He bet Seunghyun would take him to a park and let them eat choco chip ice cream, just to de-stress.

Maybe Seunghyun would still asked him "How is your project going?" or even a simple "Are you okay?"

But then who was he kidding, Jiyong can't even get a smile and acknowledgement when he walked passed by Seunghyun.

Sure they're still friends on facebook but that's all. They became ghost to each other. 

He regretted it, truthfully. 

But it's not like he can do anything about it.

So he resists the urge to stalking Seunghyun on facebook and instagram, and hopes that by that, Seunghyun would stop coming to his dreams, that he would be able to forget him.

It's hard to distinguished whether these images that he saw while he close his eyes were memories or were a product of his imagination, cos deep down he still emotionally attacked by the fact that he can't even be Seunghyun's friend.

*

It's just the usual friday, he is in a library waiting for a usual evening meeting with the lecturers. 

And he'd been waiting for Youngbae to show up so they can work on their own projects together.

But then he heard it, the sound of the low voice that he was once liked so much, that he was once looking forward to go to class just to be able to talk with, the one that he is so dearly wanted to hear it again -

"Hi. Jiyong, how is your thesis going, are you near finishing it?"

He can't believe his eyes, but there was Seunghyun in a denim jacket, black loosy pants, paired with Nike Air,

looking as hot as ever. And once again, Jiyong can't find words.