I remembered my stupid childhood like it was yesterday, i was a withdrawn ten year old and was in the middle of year five.

Primary school was like a jailhouse for me. Not that i was dumb or anything. I tried to be smart. I swear i did.

Not even the teachers praised me for any of the excellent work i did so i went on unobserved to them. It must have been my brown tanned skin or the reason that i was a half Korean and half Mexican. I don't know, never found out.

i tried not to reflect too much into it.

Not even the children liked me. It was like i had the word "diseased" sticky taped onto my forehead so i had to get used to sitting there by myself at recess and lunch and the whole entire time i was wishing that i was out there playing marbles with the other kids or playing tips or hide and seek but no one has ever asked me.

'mum, do i have to go to school?' i whined as i stood outside feeling the strong summer sun smoldering my skin.

I was stupid to even expect that she'll turn around and say 'of course darling, if you don't want to then don't go, you can stay home any day you like love'. But at least i can dream right?

"Hurry up and go before i smack you' Mum shouted from the kitchen disturbing my thoughts.

I hear my other small brothers and sister outside the house gates. There are six of us and I'm the oldest. So far only five go to school. We live right across the school which is convenient but also embarrassing when people know that you don't have a really nice home. The front of our house was all dead grass with rubbish all thrown around from years of not cleaning or the chucking out of metal and card boxes from years ago. The area wasn't pretty safe as well but the good thing is the park with a huge bridge going to the other side where there is a field behind the house.

'Hey Park, hurry up we're late!' my little brother Danny called me and was on the verge of tears cause i wasn't listening to him. He had secret crumbs on his mouth from his lunch mummy packed for him. If mummy found out that he had eaten his lunch for breakfast then he'll get a spanking and even i don't want that for him even though he get on my nerves at times. Ok all the time.

We waited at the crossing until the bright colored lollipop lady crossed and signaled for us to cross and we all ignored her disgusted stares every time we crossed. She hated us and we felt the same way for her. One day she made us wait for ten minutes until she signaled for us to cross. She saw us and she turned her back to us and had a conversation with anther parent, none of them said sorry when we decided to cross ourselves almost getting run over by a lady who must have been late for work. The lady must have complained because the next day the lollipop lady came to stop in the middle of the crossing straight away and kept on mumbling curses under her breath at us.

We were like penguins with the boys in black pants and white shirt and the girls with black skirts all huddling across together. I hated the feeling of the people in cars staring at us like they never seen anything like us before.

i was not on time yet again today. My teacher told me to remain outside my class room and twenty minutes soon after he stalked outside.

'So where were you? Huh. This is the forth time you have come late.' he said looking down on me.

I felt like crying back then but I'm grown now. Thinking about it now i feel like slamming his head against the concrete walls till i break his head open. 'I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to be late' I whispered looking at my shoes. The bottom parts of my shoe were slowly falling apart.

'Because you were late you can wait here till lunch time and during lunch you can do cleaning duties. God knows you deserve to do that' he muttered walking back into the class room. I grew still as his words sinked in and i could hear the class rooms quiet giggles as i stood there clinging to my pride. I wasn't going to cry about this i was better then all these people and one day ill show them.

I was partly asleep when the bell rang for lunch and the kids ran out and did their miniature crowd chitchat thing. I waited outside the class for my teacher. i was hungry but i decided that I'll eat after my cleaning duties were over. i waited and waited but he never came. I was still standing there half an hour later when the class came back, and this time i cried. The boys started laughing at my grazed knees, the girls at my shoes. I felt my lips tremble and i straightened my jaw to keep from crying but i started sobbing before long. I couldn't help myself. Big amounts of tears dropping onto my uniform and my teacher appeared looking annoyed,

'Will you stop with that whining already? What happened this time' he looked more frustrated then sympathy.

'Nothing Sir. I'm sorry Sir' I repeated like it was a chant. He gestured for me to get into the class room forgetting that i was supposed to have cleaning duties.

I sat down in my seat trying not to look at the staring eyes. I was in the last seat. Away from anything. Closest to the bin so i got most of the stink jokes chucked at me.

I stared outside the clear walls and wished for home time. 'Oh Kim. Will you please stop daydreaming and listen to this topic before you fail this grade'. my teachers voice snapped me out of my fantasy and i almost fell out of my seat.

'I'm sorry Sir ' I whispered getting embarrassed. So that is how my days went. At last Friday has arrived and i was walking towards the toilets when the girls from my class stopped me.

'You know you stink Park' little bright eyed girls would scream out like it was my fault they were treating me this way.

'Leave me alone' i ignored them but they stepped in my way.

'Leave me alone' one of them mimicked. ' You're a and no one likes you and your mummy and your brothers have germs everywhere on you.

I tried to push past them and one of the little brats purposely stuck out her shoe and i fell over it. I was lying on the floor when they pulled up my skirt for everyone to see.

I got up hastily and traumatized and looked around me, everyone was laughing and pointing at me. i looked to the side and saw my little brothers looking at me sadly but i knew they couldn't do anything and i didn't want to be seen like this in front of anyone especially them.

I ran into the toilets, locked the doors and stared at my grazed hands. i didn't know i was crying until my tears splattered at my now bloodied wrist. I didn't even feel the pain of my nails tearing through my wrist. I wanted to end this now. I started crying uncontrollably and sinking my nails in to draw more blood when i heard my brothers voice.

'Are you alright Park' he whispered from a distance.

I paused and tried to steady my breathing. I took a deep breathe when i realized what i was doing and stopped my self.

'Yea' I called out cheerfully. 'Just get out before you get busted in the girls toilets' I laughed a little hoping i sounded alright until i heard his footsteps start fading. I stayed in there till class started. i was so humiliated for this and everyone knew about what happened to me.

I walked into class with my head down when a dyed red headed boy chucked a bit of crumbled paper at me. I stopped and took a deep breath letting it go and walked on until he chucked anther one at me this time, striking me on the side of my face.

I couldn’t take it any longer. I walked right up to his smiling face and grabbed his head in my now blood dried hands and slammed it on the table so hard that he started screaming and bleeding from his nose making all the girls start screaming together.

I grabbed his hair again and dragged him out from his seat and chucked him against the wall and started hitting his head against the wall and didn’t realize he stopped moving until the teacher separated me from him by pulling my hair.

I got my schoolbag in one hand and my books in the other and walked out without paying any attention to what my teacher was saying to me as I left. He was probably scared of me because he didn’t try and stop me, neither what the principle did and said stopped me from trying to leave. Not until I stood in front of the familiar open door that I realized that I just walked out of school without permission.

My mum popped her head out from the kitchen window and saw me standing there looking like I was wondering how I got here. ‘What are you doing here?’ she said accusingly

‘My class was let out early’ I called to her. I was surprised that my lie sounded normal and that my mum believed me

‘Ok. Do you want to eat?’ she popped her head back through the window and was making a cluster of noise in the kitchen as I walked in.

‘No I'm just gonna go to my room’ I shared a bedroom with my two little sisters. My brother’s shared one and my parents share one.

I dropped my school bag on the floor and dragged myself to my bed. I felt so drained that I wanted to sleep for years and never wake up.

My tears fell down before I started dreaming. What if?

What if I was older I could move out of here like other people and dress in nice outfits and drive nice cars. What if I wasn’t this color? What if I was white? Would I be treated in a special way? If my parents didn’t have so many kids would I live in a nicer house and get spoiled like other kids in my class? All this what if’s were drilled into my brain and I slept badly on it.

The principal couldn’t call my house phone because it was too expensive for my family to have one, so they sent a letter home asking for an interview with my mum.

I found the letter before my mum did and chucked it in the bin before anyone knew about it but before I did, I opened it up and read it.

I was suspended for two weeks and the whole time my parents thought I was at school, I was at the field behind the road sitting there’re until school finished. It was the most boring two weeks I had ever had so I tried not to get suspended again.

When I returned to school everyone in class seemed to not look me in the eye no more. The red headed boy had a massive scar on his forehead which will never fade away and I smiled at him for forgiveness when he was finally released from hospital but he looked away with scared eyes. Even my teacher didn’t even say a word to me. It was like they were scared ill go crazy on them again.