Zoey had met up with two producers, Teddy and Dokki gave them the same old story about the tour and what she had been up to this past year. She has known Teddy and Dokki for about 3 years, the three of them producing hits in Korea as well internationally so the mood was a relaxed one. The three brainstormed on what to do for the upcoming album “So, do you have any topic in mind that you want this album to focus on?” Dokki spun his chair around to face Zoey who was sitting behind him. Zoey looked up from her notebook “Love, hate, family, marriage, dogs, cats, birds, planes, kids, touring, fans, clothes, boys, girls or me.” Teddy added to Dokki question with a smirk. She gave him a playful glare “The theme I have in mind is like kind of I am in control of my life, with a mixture of, I hate you, I love you kind of feeling you know what I mean?” they both looked at her questionly. Taking a deep sigh they began on thinking what could they make out for this album. Teddy spun in his chair for a minute and stopped, he layed his hands on the table that Zoey was sitting at.

“Here’s your homework, you see that notebook in your hand write down everything you want to say, everything you hate, everything you love, make believe that notebook is a person, or place, or people just get it all out on that notebook. Then comeback here and read it, read it with a clear mind. Because whatever it is that you have bottled up all that tension that is in your face, that is what is holding you back, that is the reason why you are drawing blanks because you aren’t ready to talk about it.” She looked at him and sighed, she was about to respond when he added. “Don’t tell me what’s wrong, it’s not like you were, you’re never the one to tell people how you feel, just tell that notebook. You have something good, you have a great album in your brain you just need to get it out.” Teddy rolled over to her in his chair, he grabbed her hands “It’ll be ok. I won’t tell anyone you have feelings that’s between us three.” She smacked his hands away, they both started laughing and closed the notebook.

            “Everything, right? I can do that give me a month and I’ll write.” She got up, stretched at looked down at her phone and saw that her manager was calling her.

“Oppa.” You said in a flat sarcastic tone. She heard a chuckle on the other side of the phone.

“You ready for me to pick you up? I ran into an old friend while I was at the coffee shop. He wants to see you.”

Zoeys heart began to race, she took a deep breath before answering him. “I’m on my way down.” 

            Walking out of the building she thought of who it could have been, what she could say, what she was wearing. When she reached the coffee shop where her manager told her to meet him she saw two figures speaking to each other one of them manager Choi and the other was a tall, skinny man with dark hair. She really couldn’t make out who it was from a far distance. Until she reached her manager and saw that it was Himchan. Her heart dropped to the ground.

            Zoey stood in front of the both of them until they realized she was there.

“Dongsaeng! Dongsaeng!” Himchan jumped up and down, shaking her by the shoulders all Zoey could do was laugh. She placed her hands on his hands to calm him down. “Where’ve you been? I called you and no response. I visited your apartment and nothing.”

“I’ve been touring remember I mentioned it in the last meeting we had. But how have you’ve been? What are you doing here?” She took a quick glance at her manager hoping he caught on to what she was implying. “Remember I had to leave the meeting. But I’ve been good, have you heard the new song? And I just went to grab coffee since this is the only free day I have this week. Do you have anything planned out for today?” She shook her head “No, I haven’t heard anything at all, I had no time for new music only work, work and work. I’m not busy at the moment I am suppose to meet up with Hyorin later on probably. Do you want to order some food and come up to my apartment? Is your manager with you? Or did you walk here?”

He smiled in excitment. “I would love to hang out with you! I came by myself let me just tell the guys.” he procceded to take out his phone.

“NO!” Zoey said in a loud voice, she felt her managers’ eyes on her and Himchan looked at her as well with a scared look on his face. She composed herself and lowered her voice “Don’t tell anyone please about you being here with me. I just don’t want anyone to know, you understand don’t you?” he looked at her and put his phone away. “I understand.” The two of you started making your way to the van so you could go to your apartment.

            At the apartment they ordered some food, opened up two cans of beers and placed them on the table in the living room. It was around six o’clock in the evening and still no word from Hyorin, desperately wanting to text her and tell her to come she fought the urge not to, she handed Himchan a plate and got comfortable on the couch.

“How long did you leave the country for?” Himchan said as he started to stuff his face with food. “A year, well ten months actually. I had to leave for a bit you know, just clear some things out.” She scratched the back of her neck and played with her food.

“Yeah, was it because of Yong-“ she quickly interrupted him “Yes.” He sighed and put the plate of food down. “You don’t want to hear his name do you.” He let out a nervous chuckle. “It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, I’m just not ready to hear his name, I’ve been avoiding it for so long that I feel that if I hear it now that I might just break down. Everything I’ve been working on for ten months will disappear. It’s silly all because of one name, but that one name change is a lot.” She stuffed a piece of chicken in , she had lost her appetite just by the thought of that name. She put the plate down on the table.

            “It’s not silly because the both of you are the same way, well kind of. But it’s hard to explain. But how are you?” she stretched her legs out from under her “I’m good. I’m fine just tired from the travelling.” He laughed “No, not how are you. How are you, how are you as a whole person. I know what you are trying to doing you are giving the same uniform answer you tell everyone.” Zoey sighed. “At first it was hard I wasn’t ok, I was wearing black all the time, I do that all the time regardless but somehow it’s weird and difficult to explain. I looked like what the color black represents. One day I looked in the mirror and I didn’t like it, I didn’t like that I was feeling bad for myself, that I was letting my actions define who I was. So I decided it was my time to travel, to leave, to escape and maybe that in it self is a way that I feel bad for myself. I know that all of this is my doing but I could still feel bad. I feel bad, that’s such a horrible way to put it. I don’t feel bad and I don’t regret it. I just wish I was afraid of him.” He gave her a puzzled look “Afraid of him? What did he do to you for you to be afraid of him?” She shook her head in disagreement before answering him “I’m not afraid of him like that, I’m afraid of what he will tell me. He was never one and you know this to yell but he when is serious about something, his voice, his face, everything changes and it makes you feel like you’ve really messed up. And I messed up Chan, I messed up big time.” Minutes went by before either of them spoke. Letting her words float in the air, haunting the both silence.

“Do you want him back?” he placed his hand of hers, a sign of comfort.

“I don’t know. When I was away from him it felt as though as if I could picture my life without him, that if I returned to Seoul I wouldn’t phased because of him, who was he. But then there were days when I would get mad, or get sad, or just have these weird emotions and I needed him. I need to someone who just listened to me, who was calming and nothing but positive vibes. But at this moment I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to be around him. I’m weak right now Chan, I know I am weak, I have no problem letting you know this.”

“You aren’t weak, you aren’t a coward and you aren’t what you think you might look like. You are human. You feel just like everyone else, sometimes I think you forget that. You know the public paints you to be such a super idol, super woman and you sometimes feel like if you need to live up to that. You don’t. You can feel like this. If you want to know how he’s feeling-.” She raised her hand to stop him. “I don’t. I’m to into my feelings and it’s selfish but I’m trying fight my inner feelings with what I think is right, that if you tell me that about how he feels I will just run.” All of a sudden her phone buzzed loudly causing the both of them to jump, it was Hyorin. She quickly picked up.

“I’m on my way to see you, I’m sorry I didn’t text you. I was just so busy with everything but I’m on my way. Noona will be there soon! Arasso?” she laughed.

“Arasso.” Zoey ended the call and turned to Himchan who had made his way into the kitchen packing up the plate of untouched food and putting her plate in the fridge not wanting to put good food to waste.

“Hyorin?” he asked with his back turned to Zoey.

“How did you know?” she voice sounding amused.

“Because they were the only people you didn’t have to say hello to when you picked up the phone. But it’s getting late it’s almost ten and the boys have been texting me. You’ll call me right?” he turned to face Zoey with the bag of food in his hand.

“Of course, I’ll be in the office soon. Not tomorrow but soon and when I do go I’ll call you so you can see me.” He nodded and made his way towards the door.

She let him out and waited for Hyorin who arrived ten minutes later.