Christmas, I loved christmas. It was a time of year where you'd look around and everyone just seemed to be happier. Me and my dad every year spent Christmas together regardless of his hectic schedule. Wherever in the world he was he made sure to come back and bring me a special present from his previous destination and we'd spend the day together. But now it wasn't his hectic schedule that blocked our visitis ...it was weirdly enough mine.

I looked up at the clock in the studio and my vision felt blurred by the stinging in my eyes as I saw 1:34 shine in fluro green on the digital clock on the wall.

"Yoo Sera, one more time, it's too soft work on the depth of the song. Sing from here" the teacher said pointing to his lower chest "not you're throat please, now again"

"Yess Seonsaengnim"

Time blurred on after he finally dismissed me telling me I seemed to tired to function properly and scheduling another lesson for the morning.

"Practice the depth okay, it doesn't sound realistic enough if the sound is forced from the throat"

I walked out of the building with my things and my phone to see a text from Hanbin

- let's have Ramyun! I'll wait for you at the convenience store - Hanbin

I rolled my eyes at the text sent 2 hours earlier and headed home.But as I went to enter the building a tickling feeling in the back of my mind made me turn back around and keep walking past the dormitories. Apart of me wanted to walk to the convenience store and find him there and another part of me knew I needed to walk there and find noone. And so I walked towards the small convenience store on a corner lot. As I squinted my eyes to adjust to the light I saw a boy with his head laid on an outside table sleeping soundly with three empty plastic ramyun bowls infront of him

I walked over to Hanbin and let out a deep sigh and sat next to him placing my head down on the table next to his. I watched as he breathed in and out little puffs of air and his face pale and frozen from the cold of the winter night. Who would think this kid here wearing the extra padded jacket and sleeping with his head against the plastic table outside a convenience store was the B.I that oozed charisma on stage. I let my sleepy eyes watch the sharp lines of his face and contrasting sofened look of his cheeks when he was sleeping with pouted pink lips. My eyes travelled up towards his long eyelashes and minutes passed as I just silently with a stiffling feeling inside me stared.

I picked up my head off the table and shook myself out of it and recomposed myself with deep breaths 

"Hanbin wake up" I said in a flat voice as I patted him

He woke up startled looking around with his right eye still half closed whilst giving me a quizzical look

"let's go back to the dorms hmm?" I said softly trying to keep a distance in my words 

He rubbed his eyes sleepily nodding as he stood up gathering his things and reawaken his senses to the situation around him. As we walked in silence suddenly he turned to me 

"Yah, you didn't get to have any ramyun!"

"it's fine, I'm not hungry anyway"

We walked past a small playground with only a set of swings and a bench looking old and broken in the night.

"Sera, give me a second" Hanbin said walking over to the bench before sitting down and tying his shoelaces.

I waited silently looking away as Hanbin watched me from the bench

"Merry Christmas" he suddenly said startling me a little as I looked at him 

"oh yeah..  you too" I said avoiding his obvious gaze up towards me 

He stood up taking a step towards me and I took a bit of a step back 

"Yah Sera, what's gotten into you recently?"

"nothing" I replied flatly

"Nothing? then why are you acting so weird?"

"I'm not" I said sounding slightly annoyed

"Is it because I didn't pick you as my partner?" I looked towards him flaring  "...What ?" 

"Look Minji came up to ask me okay and by the time I even answered you were already over talking up Jinhwan anyway"

"Excuse me, talking up?"

"you know what I meant" he said stuttering a little

"nup, not really Hanbin what does that mean? please tell me"

Hanbin stumbled for his words getting worked up as he tried to readdress the issue "That's not even the point Sera, the point is it wasn't even me who picked a partner first okay it was you" I just stared at him as he looked at me 

"what the f-ck do you want me to say?" I asked 

"Just stop okay, just let's be normal hmm" he pleaded frustratededly 

"Normal, Hanbin you're the one that refuses to tell me what song you're performing to and is acting coldly okay not me"

"that isn't because I don't want you to know it's because I don't want him to know. And besides if you were partnered with me I'd have done the same to any other team okay. You're the competition right now in training and I'm just treating you like that. But we can still eat Ramyun and talk and walk back to dorms together like normal otherwise can't we?" he said eyebrows furrowed together 

I stared at him for a moment before turning to walk away before he grabbed me by the wrist. I shook him off and started to walk before he pulled me back again

"DON'T DO THAT HANBIN" I screamed unconsicously as he let go startled 

"WHAT'S WITH YOU, I don't get it, you're not making any sense okay. Are you jealous of her or something?"  I stepped back eyes wide with anger and shock

"... jealous, are you for real right now  Hanbin. You've known me long enough and I expected you to know me better than that okay"

"I don't know okay, you haven't been weird like this before" I felt my anger rise beyond control and my face go red before I pushed it doen concentrating it into the brutality in my tone

"f-ck off" I said looking him dead pan in the eye

He stood for a moment before picking up his backpack and heading off towards the dormitories just as mad

I sat down onto the bench head in hands feeling that stifling feeling again as a tear drop slid down my cheek without me even realising. I'd never fought like that with anyone, let alone Hanbin.I just felt my head pounding and my mind swirling with incoherent thoughts I wanted to avoud about Hanbin or Minji or Jinhwan oppa or anything at all. I looked up after a while gathering my things before noticing a small bag next to me on the bench. I picked it up and opened it to see a card inside with my name on the envelope

Yah Yoo Sera ,Merry Christmas !

work hard in training and let's reward ourselves with Ramyun soon okay

Use my gift well

Hwaiting Hanbin

I opened a small package in the bag to see a pair of stockings bought from the convenience store and let out a small bitter laugh as my breath condensed in the air. I pushed it back into the packaging and got up feeling heavy as I pulled myself through the snow back towards the dorms.

I opened the apartment door to see Minji sitting on the lounge sofa playing on her phone. I didn't want to see her with my blotchy tear stained face and worn out attire

"Oh unnie you're back!"

I trudged past her towards my bedroom as she said 

"Phew, now I can go to sleep"

I turned back around to look at her 

"you can go to sleep whenever you want, no one asked you to wait up for me okay"

she let out one of her sharp little laughs as she walked towards her room 

"B.I oppa told me to wait for you" My mind began to spin as guilt sank into my bones and the logic of the whole situation seemed to unravel in my tired mind

I watched as her expression shifted a little as she walked towards her room eyeing my blotchy face and puffy red rimmed eyes.She read something more clearly on my face than I could register in my head 

"Merry Christmas Unnie" she said with a look of uneasiness facaded behind confidence as I continued to stand for a moment longer blankly with the heaviness of guilt pushing down on my tired body