My Dearest, Loveliest Readers!i

Sorry to have taken so long to update. I have been SOOO busy! I wanted to post an apology for taking so long to update and explain that I hadn't gone AWOL, but then I thought if you saw a new chapter posted, you might get your hopes up. So sorry for the lack of communication.

Hope you like the chapter!

Chapter 38

The evening before he was supposed to have breakfast with JinYoung, Mark was going through practically every piece of clothing in his closet, looking for the perfect thing to wear. He didn’t know why he was so nervous about making the right choice, but he was. He would have asked HimChan for his advice, but didn’t think it was a good time. His friend was going through a hard time and he didn’t want to impose on him unnecessarily.

“Talk to him, HimChan,” Mark had tried earlier that day.

“About what? About how his dates have been going with his boyfriend?” HimChan returned.

“You don’t know that guy’s his boyfriend.”

“Really? If a guy comes to pick him up every day before his shift is even over and said guy comes in looking better than he did the day before and, to top it off, calls him ‘baby’, I should just assume that isn’t his boyfriend?”

Mark had to admit it looked bad, but he knew that HimChan and JongUp had had eyes for each other practically since they met. They were both just too stupid or stubborn to admit it. It was hard for him to believe that JongUp would be with somebody else as long as HimChan was single. Something must be going on, but whatever it was, Mark knew one thing for sure: it wasn’t that easy to get over someone you really cared about.

“I thought . . . I thought we’d shared some . . . moments, but I guess it was just me,” HimChan lamented.

“It wasn’t just you,” Mark countered, “I’ve watched you two often enough to know that he’s interested in you, HimChan.”

“Even if you did see something, it’s all over now. He’s got . . . JiMin,” he sneered. “Have you seen him? He has the body of a freakin’ god! And they’re in the same dance class together. They have that in common and outside of his work at the café I’ve never heard JongUp talk about anything else. He loves dancing. And this guy seems to be great at it. I’m not, Mark.” He held his head and groaned. “How am I supposed to compete with that?”

“You don’t have to compete with that,” Mark assured him. “You’re Kim HimChan and that’s who he likes.”

“Yeah, a manager at a café where he works. I spent so much time agonising over whether it would be an abuse of power if I asked him out and now . . .”

“Okay, how’s this? I can demote you and then you can ask him out,” Mark asked facetiously.

“It’s too late now . . . JiMin, remember?” Then as Mark put his arm around his friend’s shoulder he realised how inappropriate his joke had been as he heard HimChan’s voice begin to crack as his face contorted with the sob he was trying to suppress. “I . . . I just want him so much . . .”

Then HimChan just covered his face with his hands, embarrassed by this display of out-of-control emotion.

All Mark could do was hold him and rock him gently. He had never seen HimChan like this and it was a little scary. He knew that he really liked JongUp, but he’d never guessed that he’d felt this strongly about him.

After about a minute, HimChan pulled himself together. He wiped his eyes with his hands and then got up.

“I’ve got to go. See you tomorrow.”

“You’re going? Are you going to be okay getting home?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry about me. I’m Kim HimChan, remember? Nothing gets me down for long,” he said, making a sad attempt at a smile and failing.

“I can come with you,” Mark offered.

“Actually, I think I want to be alone for a while,” HimChan said. “See you at work.” He hugged Mark briefly. “Thanks,” he said quietly as he turned and left.

Mark had phoned HimChan a couple of times earlier that evening, just to make sure he’d made it home alright and to see how he was doing, but the calls had gone straight to voice mail.

HimChan really did want to be alone, it seemed.

Mark just hoped he was alright.

“Hello?” Mark said picking up the phone in the middle of the first ring. If it was HimChan he didn’t want to give him a chance to change his mind and disconnect the call.

“Mark? Is everything alright?”

It was his mother.

“Hello, Ma-Ma. Everything is fine. HimChan’s not feeling that well today and I thought it might have been him calling,” Mark explained.

“Nothing serious, I hope? Has he been to the doctor?” his mother asked concernedly.

“No, it’s more a matter of the heart,” Mark clarified.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” Mark’s mother said sympathetically. “He’s so lovely. I hope whatever it is works out. When you speak to him again, give him our regards.”

“I will. How are you and Ba?”

“We’re fine. I just called to find out how you’re doing.”

“I’m fine, Ma-Ma.”

A few seconds of silence passed and then Mrs Tuan found the courage to ask, “Have you seen JinYoung lately?”

Mark had had a lot of conversations with his parents since the day he’d told them that he was gay. During those conversations, he had told them, little by little, about his life with JinYoung and how it had ultimately come to an end.

“I spoke to him yesterday. He invited me over for breakfast tomorrow.”

“Oh,” his mother said encouragingly.

“It’s only breakfast, Ma. He wants me to take a look at his place and maybe make some design suggestions.”

“Of course.”

“Ma, we’ve decided to be friends. Don’t make more out of it than there is,” Mark added. He didn’t want his mother getting the wrong idea.

“Did you both decide that?”

“Yes, we did,” Mark confirmed.

“It’s just that . . . I haven’t heard of many people who suddenly pick up and leave everything behind, including a thriving business, just to go be with their friends,” she insinuated. “I mean, you left, but you were trying to get away from something.”

“Maybe JinYoung was trying to get away from his parents.”

“Mark, even you don’t believe that.”

He didn’t really, but he didn’t want his mother having false hope about them getting back together and the way the conversation was going, he got the distinct impression that that’s exactly what she was thinking.

“Mark . . . are you certain that there’s no way you and JinYoung can somehow . . .”

“Ma . . .”

“Is there someone else?”

“No.”

No matter what had happened, that was something that Mark couldn’t yet imagine.

That there could ever be anyone else.

“Then . . .”

The conversation just continued on with Mark’s mother suggesting that maybe everything wasn’t over between them. Part of her reason for doing so was guilt. If Mark had felt that he could’ve talked to his parents back then, then there would have been a good chance that the two would still be together. So, she wanted to do whatever was in her power to make up for this split she thought never should have happened.

“Mark, I know that what happened between you and JinYoung was serious and very unfortunate, but are you really telling me that you two have absolutely no hope of a future together? That you really can’t forgive him?”

“I did forgive him, Ma. I even understand what he did and why he did it. . . . I just can’t . . . forget. It’s hard, you know. Without a thought, he chose his parents over me at every turn. I know that’s understandable to a certain extent, but he didn’t value what we had as much as I did, or else he wouldn’t have risked it. Then, he was . . . with MiRa . . . then he was going to marry her. . . . It’s just hard to get all of that out of my mind. I’m trying, but it’s hard. But . . .”

“But?” Mrs Tuan asked hopefully.

“JB told me something. . . . he told me . . . that JinYoung was in the hospital because of what happened. He was really ill. They thought he might die. I didn’t know . . .”

“Oh, Mark . . .”

“So now, I don’t know what to do. . . . I just don’t know what to do,” he said almost to himself.

Mrs Tuan decided that it was time to back off. She knew her son and she knew that it would take time, but that once he’d considered everything carefully, he would come to a conclusion he could live with.

So, as she hung up the call that evening, she just hoped he would come to the right conclusion.

That he would decide in favour of himself and JinYoung.

A moment or two after her call with Mark had ended, Mrs Tuan came to a decision.

And after talking to her husband she placed a call.

This had definitely gone on too long.

It was time to put an end to it.

*                                 *                                 *                                 *

“Hey,” JinYoung said as he opened the door.

“Hey,” Mark responded entering the flat.

As he stepped out of his shoes, he took a cursory look around.

“I told you not to bring anything,” JinYoung said as Mark extended a bag towards him.

“It’s not much. Just a couple of side dishes.”

“And a bottle of bubbly?”

“I can’t have much, but I thought if we think of this more like a brunch than a breakfast, we could make some Mimosas later,” Mark said.

Mimosas.

Something Mark and JinYoung used to drink together, usually with friends over brunch, but mostly when they were at home on their days off. They would have a lazy morning of sleeping in before they woke up to make a late breakfast, complete with Mimosas. Then after a few glasses, they would often end up heading back to the bedroom . . .

JinYoung coloured at the memory.

“Take a seat. Everything’s just about ready,” he announced.

Then he disappeared into the kitchen quickly hoping his expression didn’t betray his thoughts.

*                                 *                                 *                                 *

“One too many Mimosas and not enough food,” JinYoung said, his forehead pressed against Mark’s and his hands travelling slowly down his lover’s chest.

“We can eat the rest later,” Mark breathed, his fingertips pausing to draw patterns across JinYoung’s collarbones.

“Not the dumplings. They’ll be spoiled,” JinYoung whispered as he bent his head to trace lines across Mark’s neck with his lips.

“Nothing wrong with cold dumplings. We just have to cover them with a damp cloth,” Mark said as he pulled JinYoung closer into his body.

JinYoung pulled away and rushed into the kitchen to cover the dumplings. They would undoubtedly be needing the energy later.

Then, after he fairly tackled him and pushed him towards the bedroom, he covered Mark.

With his body.

*                                 *                                 *                                 *

While he was dealing with the food and his emotions, Mark, at his insistence, took the liberty of looking around the flat.

Everything was in order. Everything looked as if it suited JinYoung.

When he got to the bedroom and looked inside, he noticed that the bed wasn’t for one. And it felt as though it was somehow calling to him.

All at once his mind was flooded with memories of him and of JinYoung and of the many days and nights they had shared together in a bed like this.

But he shook them off almost violently before retreating and returning to the small dining room off the kitchen.

“You’ve done a great job with it,” Mark said. The entire place had the look of JinYoung. It had all the touches Mark knew were important to him. He wasn’t exactly sure what more he could’ve added to it. Well, there were one or two walls he might have done something to, but those wouldn’t have been necessary, only additional.

“Thanks. That means a lot coming from you,” JinYoung said. “Breakfast-slash-brunch is ready.”

It started out with a cup of Mark’s favourite soup.

“It tastes just like it used to when . . .” Mark remarked before he realised what he was saying.

“I found the recipe when I was unpacking,” JinYoung said trying to act as if his breath hadn’t stopped for a second when Mark mentioned the past. “I’ll give it to you before you leave. It’s yours after all.”

“You can keep it,” Mark said kindly. “I’ve got it up here,” he said tapping the side of his head.

“Then maybe I can make it for you again. . . . that is, if you come over again,” JinYoung said.

Mark smiled briefly as his eyes met JinYoung’s. Then he lowered his eyes and kept eating the delicious soup while it was still hot.

“I can’t believe you made steamed dumplings,” Mark remarked as JinYoung brought in the second course.

“I wanted to surprise you,” JinYoung smiled. “I know how much you like them. I got some recipes off the internet.”

Mark took a bite and then smiled.

“They taste really good.”

JinYoung was pleased. Mark was a perfectionist when it came to food, so for him to say it was really good made JinYoung happy.

Unless he was just being polite . . .

The Mark-of-Old wouldn’t have just said something like that to be polite. He would have been absolutely honest. Kind, but honest. But their relationship had changed. So was he being polite or honest?

“You’re not just saying that?” JinYoung asked tentatively.

“No, JinYoung-ah, I’m not just saying that,” Mark smiled before he popped another one into his mouth.

He called me ‘JinYoung-ah’ . . . in that voice . . .

It had been so long since Mark had called him ‘JinYoung-ah’, it felt so warm to hear even such a small endearment. But JinYoung consciously decided not to read too much into it. He just said it out of habit. It was insignificant. He hadn’t seemed to have noticed it at all.

It was just a slip, that’s all.

“I don’t think I should have any. I have to work in less than two hours and I’m so full I’m feeling sleepy already,” Mark protested as JinYoung brought two glasses of Mimosas out and set them on the living room table. Mark was sat comfortably at the corner of the sofa. JinYoung sat close to him, handing him his glass.

“Can’t you get someone to cover for you?” JinYoung asked.

“Don’t tempt me,” Mark smiled.

“Why not? Afraid you’ll give in?” JinYoung asked looking Mark smoulderingly in the eye.

Mark stared back into JinYoung’s eyes.

Against all of his resolve, he felt something stir deep within him. His gaze dropped to JinYoung’s lips.

He felt it stir again.

But this time it was stronger.

Dragging his gaze away from JinYoung altogether, he held his glass up.

“Cheers,” he said cheerfully, trying to alter the mood that had developed between them.

JinYoung picked up his drink and touched glasses with Mark as they toasted to nothing.

Mark was beginning to feel something, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want his attraction to JinYoung to lead him to do something they might both regret. He knew that being in his flat, eating with him, enjoying a pleasant conversation together, and then looking into that face that had always made him feel . . . that all these things could easily lead him to want more of JinYoung. Desire for him had never been a problem: Mark had always wanted JinYoung. But what about after? He couldn’t give either himself or JinYoung false hope. If they couldn’t be together, Mark would never want to hurt him that way, so he couldn’t afford to act carelessly.

“Mark? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah . . . sorry I was just thinking,” he answered.

“Anything you want to share?” JinYoung asked.

“Not really . . . it’s not important . . .”

“Okay,” JinYoung said deciding to drop it. The look on Mark’s face had inferred that it wasn’t just ‘nothing’ but if he didn’t want to talk about it . . .

After sitting together in silence for a while, Mark spoke first while looking straight ahead.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked quietly.

“Tell you what?”

Mark turned to look at JinYoung.

“That you were in the hospital,” Mark said.

JinYoung’s eyes faltered.

“. . . JB told you . . . ?”

“Yes. He thought I already knew. He thought you’d told me.” Mark turned his body even more towards JinYoung. “Why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t really have much of a chance. I told you about . . . well . . . what happened . . . and then it just seemed like it wasn’t the time to mention it. It might have seemed like I was trying to get your sympathy or something. I didn’t want that . . .”

If Mark had thought about it, he wouldn’t have done what he did next, but he did it out of . . . he didn’t know . . . reflex . . . ?

He reached out and touched JinYoung’s face tenderly.

“JinYoung, why didn’t you call me? I would have come to you. I would have dropped everything to come to you. You know that, don’t you?”

“I couldn’t. Not after everything that happened. I couldn’t tell you about . . . MiRa.”

For once, Mark didn’t react to that name. All he could think about was JinYoung lying on the floor in a puddle of his own blood. All he could think of was JinYoung lying in a hospital bed; his condition deteriorating. And the fact that if things had gone differently, he wouldn’t have even known what had happened until it was too late. This was worse than any thought of marriage to MiRa. If this had happened, he would never ever have had the chance to see JinYoung again.

And that thought was . . . unbearable.

“JinYoung-ah . . .” Mark breathed.

And for that moment, JinYoung thought he saw just the faintest flicker of something he never thought he’d ever see in Mark’s eyes again.

He thought he saw . . .

Mark’s phone rang. The ringtone burst through the silence and broke the spell which had been carefully weaving itself between them.

Mark dropped his hand from JinYoung’s face and looked away. When he saw who was calling, he said, “excuse me,” and took the call.

“Hey.  . . . No, it’s okay, it’s only an hour before your shift ends. . . . . RyeoWook said he’d come in? . . . . Where are you now? Okay, stay there. I’ll be there in a few minutes. . . . Okay, see you soon.”

“I have to go,” Mark said as he disconnected the call. “It was HimChan, he’s . . .”

“You don’t have to explain,” JinYoung said quickly. “If you have to go, you have to go. Are you going to be alright to drive?”

“Yeah, I only took one sip,” referring to the mimosas.

Mark immediately got off the sofa and made his way towards the door. Once he’d slipped his shoes on he took one last look at JinYoung standing there. He was clearly disappointed that Mark was leaving so quickly, but he had to: he had been trying to reach HimChan since the day before without any luck and as often as his friend had been there for him, Mark had to return the favour and be there for him. It wasn’t like Kim HimChan to want to leave work early for any reasons, personal or otherwise, so Mark had to go be with him and find out what was going on. He was really worried for his friend.

He took one step towards JinYoung and suddenly found his arms full of him.

JinYoung was holding him and when he spoke, his breath caressed Mark’s neck.

“Thank you for coming.”

“Thank you for inviting me. I’m sorry to rush off . . .” Mark replied, closing his eyes as he felt JinYoung’s body pressed against his.

“It’s okay. We’ll do this again sometime, right?”

“Only if you promise to cook the same things again,” Mark smiled into the side of JinYoung’s neck.

“I promise.”

They stood holding each other, unwilling to let go. Mark’s hands, from his palms to his fingertips pressed JinYoung tightly into his body. He slid one hand up to the back of JinYoung’s neck and breathed him in. He could feel himself slowly sinking into the scent . . . the feel . . . the reality that was Pak JinYoung.

Mark wished so much that they could stay like this longer; just holding each other tightly, as though nothing had ever happened to separate them, as though nothing had ever changed between them, but . . . he really . . . really had to go.

So, slowly . . . achingly . . .  he released him.

And JinYoung, feeling his hands slip away . . . let him go.

Please, please, please don't forget to COMMENT! Comments (for the umpteenth time) keep me going. I am REALLY busy these days (I stayed up till after 2am to post this), so comments keep me really upbeat and motivated to write (even when I don't really have time to). Please forgive any typos.

I apologise for not replying to the comments that were made in response to the last chapters. I've just not had the time, but I TRULY appreciate the ALL the comments you've made. I just want you to know that. I especially appreciate the longer comments. One of your comments actually helped me to amend the story a little, so thank you for sharing your thoughts and ideas with me.

And for those who haven't yet, please remember to subscribe and upvote.

Also, please remember to read the other MarkJin stories I've written if you should get tired of waiting for an update. Thank you to those who have read them and have subscribed and/or upvoted!

As for the readers who are subscribed to this story and to "Leaning is Strength" and have been patiently waiting for an update, I will really try to update that story sometime this week, but it's going to be really difficult. Not only am I studying, but I'm working and I'm expecting visitors from out of town. I will do my best to keep up with both stories, though. I just don't want to rush and make stupid mistakes.

Thank you all for reading. You keep me going. You really, really do. (*^_^)