Dear Readers,

Okay, now I'm beginning to even annoy myself with the length of these chapters...

I'd thought about dividing this one into two, but there was no appropriate dividing point, so here you go: another long chapter.

Enjoy!

Chapter 36

“I’m going to take my break now,” HimChan sang and moved swiftly towards a table near the window.

But the table wasn’t unoccupied. There was a guy sitting there. A handsome guy.

JongUp noticed.

As soon as HimChan sat down, the guy’s face lit up. And so did HimChan’s.

JongUp served the next customer with a smile on his face, but inside he was feeling crushed. First, Mark, now this guy confirmed it.

This was HimChan’s type. And that meant that he, JongUp, wasn’t.

JongUp was no expert when it came to designer clothes, but he knew expensively-dressed and well-styled when he saw it. And this guy was both.

The more glances he stole in HimChan’s and the stranger’s direction, the lower and lower he felt. Could he help it that he wasn’t rich? Why was money so important to Kim HimChan?

As he sat there, HimChan might not have known it, but if only he had given him a chance, JongUp would have done anything for him. He would have loved him. He would have done everything to make him happy. Of this he was sure as he watched any hint of a chance he thought he might have had with HimChan finally slip away.

Each time HimChan smiled at the stranger . . . each time he touched his hand . . . each time they burst into laughter at something one or the other said, they unknowingly pierced the heart of Moon JongUp. He wished that he could be the person who made HimChan feel that way . . . that happy, but he knew, as he watched them sitting there together, that he never would be.

JongUp decided during that break that the only thing he could do was to completely forget about Kim HimChan. That would be easier thought than done because he simply couldn’t afford the luxury of quitting his job. The wages he earned here were more than any other coffee house would pay and, more than that, as a workplace, other than this problem of his feelings for his boss, it was a pleasant place to be employed. The location was convenient and he really liked his workmates. He particularly liked working with JunHong. They were a really great team.

So, he wasn’t going to leave. So it remained that he would just have to find a way to scrub HimChan out of his heart.

Then, just as HimChan’s break was ending and he was walking the handsome stranger to the door, that way walked in.

JiMin.

He walked in looking as good as any temptation could. And if there was anyone who could make JongUp forget about Kim HimChan, it was Pak JiMin.

He walked in wearing a black leather jacket and a tight-fitting black tank top. When he removed the jacket, he did so with the smooth, lithe movements of a cat. And that tank top didn’t hide any of the ripples of a single muscle on JiMin’s front, side or back.

This was a fact that was not lost on Kim HimChan.

“Hi, Babe,” he said to JongUp as approached the counter.

Babe? HimChan thought angrily as he took his place behind the till.

“Hey,” JongUp answered. “You’re early, I don’t finish for another half-an-hour.”

“I know. I just wanted to watch you work. I think you’re y when you work,” JiMin smiled charmingly.

“How do you know? You’ve never watched me work,” JongUp returned.

“I’ve imagined it . . . along with other things . . . ” JiMin smiled seductively.

“Can I get you something?” HimChan interrupted. All this talk was beginning to make his blood boil. Okay, he wasn’t as built as this . . . JiMin. Okay, he didn’t have the voice of a snake-oil salesman and he would never say anything as cheesy as the stuff that came pouring out of JiMin’s mouth . . . but was that so bad? Was this what JongUp liked? Was this what he wanted? A guy with a perfect body with a voice that would make your jeans of their own volition?

If that’s what he wanted, then it was clear that he could never have wanted and would never want someone like HimChan.

“Just a latte machiato with a sprinkle of cinnamon,” he said answering HimChan while all the time staring at JongUp.

“The cinnamon is on that table. Customers can add it themselves. Would you like any flavourings in your coffee? You like sweet things, if I remember correctly,” HimChan said, trying his best to be professional and failing just a little.

“Oh, you remember me? That’s flattering.” HimChan thought, that with that tone of voice, just to make everything perfect, JiMin would reach over and pat him on the head.

“Not today,” JiMin answered. “Already being around JongUp, I’ve got to make sure I don’t overdo the sweets,” he said looking meaningfully at the object of his affection.

Oh, brother, HimChan thought exasperatedly.

Once he’d rung up the sale, HimChan gave him his change and JiMin, as good as his word, took a seat where he could keep an eye on JongUp as he worked. And boy did he. He watched JongUp like a hawk.

A hungry hawk.

The way his eyes raked over every feature of JongUp’s body, HimChan could imagine what he was planning to do to him when they were finally alone. And since JongUp was dating him, it was clear that he had no problem with JiMin taking a mental excursion around his body.

Once JongUp had finished his shift, he and JiMin left. They walked out with JiMin’s arm around JongUp and JongUp smiling brightly.

That’s it, then, HimChan thought sadly to himself.

JongUp was gone forever. There was no longer any chance for him and by the looks of things, there never really had been. In those moments that HimChan thought had passed between them, the moments when he actually thought JongUp might have felt something for him: he had been sorely mistaken. HimChan was obviously the opposite of what JongUp wanted. But, how could he want that? Someone who was just using cheeky charm to get him into bed? Didn’t he want more than that?

If only he had, then HimChan could have given him more. So much more. He could have really loved him. But, apparently, love wasn’t what JongUp wanted. He just wanted a good time. And, as sociable and outgoing as HimChan was, he was never the love-‘em-and-leave-‘em type. He wanted something more. A lot more. He wanted to be loved. And he wanted to love.

So, as hard as it was, he decided.

The best thing Kim HimChan could do was to forget Moon JongUp.

*                                *                                *                                *                                *

“They’ll be here in a few minutes. Do you think we should start popping the popcorn now?” YoungJae asked replacing the lid on the cooler. He had just finished stocking it with drinks that hadn’t fit in the small refrigerator.

“I’m on it,” JaeBum called.

Friday night. Always a good choice for a movie night. YoungJae went into the bedroom and got a few large throw pillows for the guests who preferred the floor over the sofa or the love seat. Once he’d tossed them into place, the front room looked much warmer and cosier.

After what had happened the night of GaYeon’s celebration, he and JB weren’t too sure about whether or not they should invite both Mark and JinYoung to their movie night. But when he spoke to them, they had each insisted that it would be fine. They were determined to be friends, it seemed.

YoungJae just hoped it wouldn’t be awkward. But then, they were only going to be sitting in the same room watching a couple of movies together. What could possibly go wrong?

JinYoung and Min were the first to arrive. JinYoung brought a couple of bottles of wine—good bottles by the looks—while Min brought the ingredients for a couple of her favourite cocktails. After she dropped the bags into the kitchen, she threw herself, face first, onto the pillows.

“I love these!” she exclaimed hugging the pillows. “They’re all mine!” she said, laying claim to them.

“As long as I can get my place on the sofa, I don’t care,” JinYoung smiled. He then plopped down on his favourite side of the sofa with the intention of not moving for the duration of the night. He loved YoungJae’s sofa. It was one of the most comfortable pieces of furniture he’d ever sat on. It was the easiest thing to just curl up on and fall asleep on. But, he was here to watch movies, not sleep, so he had to sit up. But, if he happened to fall asleep later. . .

Large bowls of popcorn, cold drinks and pitchers of cocktails at the ready, everyone settled themselves into their places. JaeBum sat on the loveseat leaning against his boyfriend’s chest with YoungJae’s arm around his shoulder. JinYoung glanced over at them and smiled. It was so nice seeing them together after all these years. He remembered how long it had taken them to finally get together, so to see them so content really did his heart good. However, underneath his happiness for them, lurked a certain sadness: the sadness that he and Mark were no longer together. He tried his best not to think about it, but whenever he saw loving couples together, he just couldn’t help but remember how deeply he and Mark had loved each other and how happy they had been for so long.

The sound of the doorbell snapped him out of his musing.

“I’ll get it!” YoungJae called out to no one in particular as he sprang from his seat. The sudden movement caught JB unawares and he crashed against the soft arm of the loveseat.

JinYoung couldn’t help but turn to look in the direction of the door. He knew who it was.

Mark.

But, he wasn’t alone.

Kim HimChan was with him.

“Sorry we’re a little late, but HimChan must have tried on half his wardrobe. I tried to tell him it was only a movie night, but . . .” Mark smiled apologetically.

“Stop trying to make me seem vain,” HimChan defended.

“Seem?” Mark asked, smiling, as they both took off their shoes and walked in.

Mark handed their bags to YoungJae. They had brought snacks and drinks.

“Thanks,” YoungJae smiled, “but I really don’t know who’s going to eat all this stuff.”

Mark and HimChan walked towards the gathered company. They greeted everyone, with Mark and HimChan greeting JinYoung last.

“Hey,” HimChan said, smiling at JinYoung.

“Hey,” Mark said.

“Hey,” JinYoung answered, doing his best to smile. Then the new arrivals took their seats on the sofa. Mark, sitting at the furthest end of the couch and HimChan taking the last seat left: between Mark and JinYoung.

JinYoung’s mood sank down to his feet. He had been fully prepared to see Mark. He thought they would spend a comfortable evening together and maybe, just maybe, begin to move slowly past everything that had happened. Once they’d begun to enjoy each other’s company again, who knows what might be possible between them? But he hadn’t expected this.

He hadn’t expected Kim HimChan.

Especially the way he looked.

At the worst of times, HimChan looked pretty, but tonight he looked absolutely stunning. It looked like he had made a special effort. But why, JinYoung wondered. Just for a movie night?

Or, he thought nervously, was it for Mark?

Actually, HimChan had made a special effort. But it wasn’t for Mark.

He did it for himself.

With what had happened with JongUp, HimChan’s ego had taken a bit of a beating. JiMin was everything that HimChan was not, and in order to cheer himself up, he decided to style himself to the nines.

JongUp wouldn’t be there to see him, but somehow, looking good that evening made HimChan feel that little bit better about himself.

And how he needed that.

And as it turned out, it had helped. A little. Only a little.

But enough for him to go back to feeling, for the most part, like the real Kim HimChan.

As the night progressed, JinYoung felt more and more depressed. Before the film even started, HimChan began entertaining everyone so much with his humorous way of telling stories that JinYoung began to wonder if they were just going to cancel the movie night altogether and watch the HimChan Show instead.

HimChan complemented Min on the cocktails she’d mixed and YoungJae on his décor. He told JB and YoungJae that he had been able to pick out their voices on a couple of songs that had just been released. They didn’t really believe him, but when they put on one of the songs, he could tell exactly when they each sang. He also was certain that if they wrote and recorded music of their own, one day they’d be famous.

He then complimented JinYoung how handsome he looked and told him how he hoped they would go out sometime together.

Fat chance, JinYoung snapped in his mind, determined not to be won over by the HimChan charm offensive.

But little did he know, this was no charm offensive. This was just HimChan being HimChan.

Finally, though, everyone settled back and YoungJae started the film. That was when the show really started for JinYoung.

He couldn’t take his eyes off it, even if he only watched it through sidelong glances. If anyone had asked him what the first film had been about, he wouldn’t have been able to tell them because he was paying such close attention to what was happening between Mark and HimChan.

The first film was a comedy-drama and during the funny parts, HimChan laughed into Mark’s neck. During the moving scenes, he leaned against Mark as the latter his hair. They also never seemed to stop holding hands. But mostly it was the leaning on Mark’s chest and the small, tender—and, in JinYoung’s mind—intimate touches that he found most disturbing.

Somehow, JinYoung had forgotten just how touchy Mark could be with people he felt close to. The two of them had had all of the same friends all the years they were together, so when Mark laid with his head on Jackson’s chest with Jackson’s arm around him, JinYoung had thought nothing of it.

That, of course, only after they had been together for a while.

Mark was always holding hands with friends, their hair or running his fingertips unconsciously over their skin, but JinYoung hadn’t thought anything of it because he had often done the same. It was just the way they showed affection.

But this was different.

HimChan was no friend of his. So watching Mark touching him and being touched by him so comfortably was unfamiliar to him and therefore upsetting. In his mind, every time they touched each other, JinYoung imagined things . . . things that he would much rather not have imagined. And too many of them included Mark, HimChan and a bed.

But, why was Mark doing this? And in front of him? Didn’t he care about his feelings at all?

But as those questions were buzzing around JinYoung’s head, Mark’s was full of JinYoung.

But he wasn’t aware in the least that JinYoung would be upset by him and HimChan. Since they had become close friends, Mark and HimChan had always behaved this way with one another. So, because was normal for them, Mark didn’t even imagine that it might be upsetting to JinYoung.

And what one is unaware of, one cannot be sensitive about.

Also, Mark knew something that JinYoung did not.

He had taken HimChan with him in order to cheer him up. He didn’t want to leave his friend alone to nurse the heartbreak he was going through, so he’d invited him along.

Touching him was intended to serve the same purpose that him sleeping in HimChan’s arms at his grandparents had served: it was to comfort his friend.

So, with motives such as these, it never occurred to him that JinYoung might be disturbed by their physical closeness.

Mark’s thoughts ran in quite another direction.

Like JinYoung, it would also have been very difficult for him to tell anyone what the first, or even the second film was about, because at every opportunity he was either stealing glances at, or letting his mind wander down the winding streets that were Pak JinYoung.

Here he was, sitting so close to him, but yet so far away.

Still, close enough for JinYoung to invade all of Mark’s thoughts and feelings.

During the time since GaYeon’s party, Mark had often found his mind settling on JinYoung, but no matter how he appeared in his memory, the reality was much more striking. Just a glance at JinYoung’s lips as he sat on the sofa, absently HimChan’s hair, and Mark could remember how those lips had pressed kisses on Mark’s warm,  hungry skin: his neck . . . his shoulders . . . his chest . . . . He would remember the hours they’d kissed, unable to get enough of each other . . . the taste . . . the feel . . .

He would remember how JinYoung’s lips reddened and swelled sensuously as he slept and whenever he was filled with desire.

One of Mark’s favourite things to do had been to lightly run his fingertips over those lips. JinYoung would laugh and tell him that it tickled, but knowing how much Mark liked it, he would let him do it for as long as he could endure it. When he would finally burst out laughing, Mark would capture his lips with his own and kiss him deeply and then hold him close as they both rocked with laughter.

Looking at JinYoung’s jawline flooded Mark’s mind with memories of when he would kiss and nuzzle along its defined lines, kissing his neck and then his chin before finally latching again onto his lips.

A glance at his fingers made Mark ache. He remembered how their fingers were almost always entwined with one another. Even when they were driving and one of them had to shift, they held hands and often shifted gears together.

And he recalled how, when they were alone at home, lying in bed and almost quaking with desire for one another, JinYoung’s beautiful fingers would glide over every part of Mark’s body, tracing and outlining until he couldn’t stand it for another minute and had to . . .

But the worst ache he felt on that movie night, was when he glanced at JinYoung and found himself looking directly into his eyes.

His eyes.

There had been so many times in their years together when they’d communicated so much using their eyes alone.

With his eyes, JinYoung had told Mark how much he loved him much more deeply and completely than any words ever could have: his eyes conveyed unequivocally all the feelings he had inside him. They twinkled mischievously. They smiled gloriously. They became heavy-lidded with desire. They were the one gauge Mark could always trust.

So, how had it been that JinYoung had been able to look Mark in the eyes that night while they made love for the first time after Mark had left, and conceal every trace of what he’d done with MiRa only the night before?

Had he learned to deceive with his eyes?

Or had what happened with MiRa truly meant so little to him that there had been nothing to hide?

As their eyes fastened on each other, Mark could read something in JinYoung’s gaze.

Hurt.

Did his just being here hurt JinYoung? Did that mean that they really would never be able to be friends?

But, if he were to be honest with himself, none of the thoughts he’d had about JinYoung since he’d returned to Seoul, had had anything to do with friendship.

That being the case, the agonising question which haunted him was: would he ever be able to get over Pak JinYoung?

*                                *                                *                                *                                *

It was time to go.

Min had brought JinYoung over to YoungJae’s but after having enjoyed a few too many of her own cocktails, she now lay fast asleep on the soft, comfortable throw pillows. JB picked her up and gently moved her to the sofa, covering her with a light blanket. She would be staying the night.

JinYoung was now left with no way to get home.

“You can stay here tonight, Hyung. We’ll make room,” YoungJae offered.

JinYoung was loathe to stay over: after having spent most of the evening watching Mark and HimChan together, he actually wanted to go home and be by himself. He didn’t want to hurt YoungJae’s feelings, though.

Mark looked at JinYoung.

There. He could see it again.

Hurt.

He didn’t know why, but he could tell that JinYoung wanted to leave; but knowing him, Mark knew he wouldn’t want to turn down YoungJae’s offer. He wasn’t about to ask why. He only knew that he had to help him.

“I can drop you off,” Mark offered.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to . . . “

“It’s really no problem,” he insisted. “Come on, let’s go.” he said definitely, leaving JinYoung no choice to refuse.

When they got to the car, JinYoung was a bit surprised that HimChan climbed into the back seat.

Doesn’t he want to sit next to Mark?

But, what JinYoung didn’t know was that the very HimChan he had felt jealous of all evening, was hoping that somehow, he and Mark would reconcile. HimChan was a lot of things, but he wasn’t stupid. He had seen how they’d looked at each other that day at the café: how much in love they were. He had been there when Mark was checking his phone every two minutes hoping to read just one word from JinYoung while he was away. He had seen how Mark had suffered every moment the two had been apart and how, no matter how much he tried to deny it, how much he still loved Pak JinYoung.

So, HimChan sat in the back. Then he said, “you can drop me off first. I have to get up early for the morning shift, remember.”

Then he said nothing more, all the way home.

When Mark stopped to drop HimChan off, he got out of the car. He went around to HimChan’s side and pulled him into a tight embrace.

Referring to HimChan’s heartbreak because of JongUp, Mark said quietly, close to his ear, “it’ll be better soon, Channie. Try not to think about it. Call me, if you need anything. I don’t care how late it is, okay?”

HimChan whispered an agreement. He really wished Mark could stay with him that night. He didn’t want to be alone. But, for all his loudness and bluster, Kim HimChan had a heart of gold. So even though he knew things certainly would never work out between himself and Moon JongUp, he believed just as certainly in Mark and JinYoung. So, with a sad, lonely, heavy heart, he squeezed Mark tightly one last time before letting him go.

“Goodnight, JinYoung,” he smiled, bending to look at him through the car door window.

Looking back at HimChan, JinYoung raised his hand in response. And in that moment, he looked into HimChan’s eyes.

They were glistening.

With tears.

Then HimChan turned away quickly and went inside.

And after that moment, JinYoung stopped feeling jealous altogether. For some strange reason, every drop of that emotion seemed to have drained from him.

So, as Mark slid back into the driver’s seat and set off, even though he didn’t know what was wrong with him, JinYoung found himself feeling sorry for Kim HimChan.

*                               *                                *                                *                                *

They drove in silence. Mark, looking intently at the road and JinYoung looking at Mark’s hand, each time he reached for the gear shift. He wanted so much to place his hand over Mark’s every time he shifted gears, but he couldn’t. He no longer had that right.

Too soon, they arrived at JinYoung’s.

To his surprise, instead of simply leaving the car to idle, while he got out, Mark shut off the engine. Then he turned to JinYoung.

“Are you okay?” he asked concernedly.

“Yes,” JinYoung answered. “Why are you asking?”

“I thought . . . I just thought I noticed something . . . earlier,” Mark admitted. “But maybe I was wrong.”

“I . . . it was just a little hard, sitting there, when we . . .” he faltered slightly. “It’ll just take some time, that’s all,” he smiled sadly.

Mark didn’t know what to say. All he felt like doing was taking JinYoung into his arms and holding him. But he couldn’t. So he just said, “Yeah . . . I guess it will . . . ”

They both sat in silence, looking straight ahead because it was too painful to look at one another.

Finally, JinYoung made a move to open the car door. But just as he did, Mark reached out and touched his arm.

“JinYoung . . . “

JinYoung turned to look at him.

“ . . . sleep well,” he said quietly.

JinYoung smiled a small, brief smile.

“You, too . . . “ he said and then stepped out of the car.

And, as had now become usual, Mark watched him walk away. Was this his life now? Always watching JinYoung walk away from him?

But to his surprise, something different happened this time.

This time, just before he walked through the door of his building, JinYoung turned around, smiled and waved goodbye.

He stood there just long enough to see Mark wave back.

And then he was gone.

*                                *                                *                                *                                *

That night, as Mark lay in bed, he realised something.

Seeing JinYoung wasn’t getting any easier. It was just as painful seeing him now as it had been in the beginning. He wasn’t angry anymore: that emotion was all but gone. It had been replaced with a deep and abiding sadness that roamed his mind and heart every time he was confronted with JinYoung, either in memory or in reality.

So, as he felt himself falling asleep that night, he asked himself, how he was ever supposed to manage to get over Pak JinYoung?

*                                *                                *                                *                                *

JinYoung’s thoughts and feelings were just as difficult as Mark’s. He knew that he wanted them to get back together, more than ever, but they were now not one step closer to that happening.

He began to wonder. It was beginning to seem that Mark would never be able to get over what had happened, so maybe he should just give up. Maybe once he changed his aim, he could finally stop feeling so miserable.

It had been his suggestion that they at least, try to be friends, but he had never really felt that in his heart. In spite of what he had said, he had continued to want more.

So, that night, as he drifted off to sleep, JinYoung finally decided to begin the long process of letting go of his hopes, his dreams and his desire to be with Mark.

*                                *                                *                                *                                *

The tone went off and the face of his phone lit up.

Mark was almost asleep when the text came in.

The sender apologised for the lateness of the hour, but he asked if they could meet up. They hadn’t had a chance to that night, but he really wanted them to talk.

Mark answered the message, suggesting a day, time and place.

The sender said that would be fine and that he would see Mark then.

Then Mark replaced his phone on his bedside table and went to straight to sleep.

And once he’d read Mark’s answer, JB did the same.

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