We need to talk

Those four words were all Taeyeon got the next morning. Four ominous words that gave her the worst vibes. Nothing good ever came out from those four words.

Where and when

I’ll go over. When’s a
good time?

I’m doing the 2nd
shift today

Ok. Wait for me.

Waiting. Taeyeon did not like to wait. She liked to go. To her, the hardest part of any race was the wait. Waiting for the red to turn green. Waiting for the drop of the arm, the wave of a flag. All those things were hard. But waiting for Tiffany was the hardest.

This was exactly why she had never ventured beyond the safety of her little zone of comfort. This feeling of unsettlement. Not knowing what it was that Tiffany was coming here to say. To place her happiness in the hands of another was not her idea of keeping herself safe from harm. But with Tiffany, it was different. She could tell Tiffany things she had always kept to herself. She could tell Tiffany those things because she knew it was okay. Tiffany didn’t judge her. Tiffany didn’t tell her things like, ‘I told you so’ and ‘You totally had it coming’. Tiffany, with all her imperfections, was perfect for her. In ways more than one.

But letting her guard down meant she was vulnerable and she knew that. It was a risk she was willing to take. It was a risk she had to take, if she wanted a chance with Tiffany. Hell, she was a risk taker anyway. Each race was a risk. But she was insured by her capabilities in handling her car. In this case, she was insured by her understanding of Tiffany. Only, her understanding was recently challenged by the slew of unanswered calls and unreturned messages. And now, her faith in Tiffany was wavering. She wanted some answers.

–

Tiffany arrived at her apartment and she did not look good. She looked like a woman who had stayed up all night.

“What happened? You look like you need sleep.”

Tiffany sat herself on the couch and curled her legs up. “Taeyeon, sit down with me.”

“You’re freaking me out with the mystery shroud,” said Taeyeon as she sat. “What happened?”

“You’re not gonna like this.”

“I’m already not liking this so just tell me.”

Tiffany sat up perfectly straight and looked right at her. “I need to stage an engagement with Paul.”

“You what?”

“I need to stage—”

“I heard you the first time. And all I can say is: what the ?”

“Let me explain. Please.”

Taeyeon folded her arms. “I’m listening.” She listened as Tiffany related the entire story and explained the situation. Safe to say, she didn’t like what she heard one bit. “So you’re saying that in order for you to maintain your honour as the champion of The Roulette, you have to divert attention from your association with me and street racing and you plan to do that by announcing your engagement to Paul.”

Tiffany nodded, eyes not meeting hers. “Yes, that’s…the gist of it.”

“And where does that leave me.”

“I’ll need to stay away from you till the whole thing blows over.”

“Do you even know how long that will take?”

Tiffany shook her head.

“So we’re supposed to act like strangers until nobody cares if you’re with us lowly street racers anymore.”

“I’m not expecting you to like this but I’m hoping you can understand my situation.”

“You’re right. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. In fact, I’m surprised I’m still here, talking to you like this.”

“It . I know, but please try to understand.”

“No, it doesn’t . It’s completely ed up is what it is.”

“I know.” Tiffany looked defeated in that moment. “I’m sorry. I’m ing sorry but I have no choice. I can’t let the whole company down. There’s too much riding on this race. All our plans for the company. Everything. I can’t.”

“So you choose Hyundae over us.”

Tiffany shook her head. “I’m not choosing. I’m just doing what I need to do at this moment. It’s my duty.”

“But between standing up for our relationship and the image of your company, you chose the latter. You made a choice, Tiffany. Don’t say you didn’t.”

“I don’t see it as a choice, Taeyeon. It’s not a choice for me.”

“But it is. You can say ‘screw you’ to Hyundae and Paul and go for what you want. Forget responsibility. Forget duty. Screw it all. What do you really want, Tiffany.”

“I want you but you’re not everything I want. You can’t be everything. Life isn’t just about you and me. You have a job. I have a job. We have dreams. We have things to do. I can’t dump Paul. I can’t. He gave me a chance to come here. We wouldn’t even have met if it he hadn’t agreed to help me. We owe him. Both of us. If you consider what we have precious, that is.”

Taeyeon remained silent. What could she say? Tiffany had made a compelling argument. And that was who she was. This was the Tiffany she fell in love with. Yet this was the same Tiffany who was telling her she was about to get engaged to Paul. This was the very Tiffany who was suggesting that they stayed away from each other for the time being, until whenever. How was she supposed to accept that?

“I’m not sure if I can handle the separation.”

“What are you trying to say, Taeyeon.” Tiffany’s lips trembled and Taeyeon’s heart plummeted.

“I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I don’t know. I don’t know what we are anymore. Are we still girlfriends? Can I still hold your hand? Can I still you when I want to?”

Tiffany grimaced. “We’re still girlfriends, Taeyeon. And of course you can hold my hand. We can have too. Whenever you want.”

“But that’s the problem, see. I’m not so sure about the ‘whenever I want’ part. You’ll be Paul’s fiancée. I won’t be able to hold your hand when we go out. And we can’t if you’re going to be living at his place all the time.”

“Who said anything about living at his place? I’ll still stay in my apartment.”

“Which he has the key to. So he’ll be over there all the time.”

“It’s a fake engagement. Fake as in pretend. He’s not going to spend his nights with me.”

“But won’t it be strange if you’re spotted coming out from my apartment in the morning? Or if I were to be seen leaving yours?”

Tiffany buried her face in her palms. “I know it’s not gonna be easy but it won’t be forever. Just…just give it a couple of months, maybe. The Roulette will be over before you know it and the news will die down.”

“By then, our relationship might have died too.”

“It won’t! We can still text each other. We’ll talk on the phone. We can even go out together as—”

“As friends?” Taeyeon snorted. “If you’re that afraid of destroying the image of your company, you should know that it’s no secret that I’m in an all-girl playing field. They’ll think you’re cheating on Paul with me and your company will be in the news for all the wrong reasons again. Not only that, you know I’ll hate being called the . Especially when I’m not one.”

“I don’t want to hurt you. But I don’t want to hurt the company either.” Tiffany grabbed Taeyeon’s hands. “Please help me.”

Taeyeon pulled her hands away, as hard as it was and shook her head. “I can’t help you. Not like this. I don’t want to be the pathetic girlfriend hiding behind the scenes as her girlfriend gets engaged to some big shot in the racing world. I don’t want to lie to my friends about this.”

“Taeyeon…”

“I can help you to keep your company’s name clean. But it’ll cost us.”

“No. Please don’t say that. What we have is so incredible. How can you say it so easily.”

Taeyeon let out a low, hollow laugh. “Tiffany. You know where I come from. You know what I’ve escaped from. And if there’s anything I’ve learnt from all the that I’ve been through, it is the fact that no matter how ing painful something may feel right now, it’ll eventually go away. Life will go on.”

“But—”

“I won’t die without you. And you won’t die without me. You’re right. I’m not everything to you. But you’re not everything to me either. I want to race the streets. I’m a ing street racer, damn it. And you’ll always be the champion professional racer. If these two won’t mix now, they won’t mix in future either.”

“I don’t want us to end because of this.”

“You don’t always get what you want. Life’s ed up that way and you know that.”

Tiffany launched herself at Taeyeon and grabbed her. Taeyeon allowed herself to be held tight but left her arms hanging limp by her sides. “Taeyeon…please…” she cried, her voicing cracking at the end.

Taeyeon closed her eyes. The heartbreak in Tiffany’s voice sliced her heart into so many pieces that there was no way she could ever put it back together again. The pain was immeasurable and it was probably only going to get worse. But wasn’t that life for her? Dreams always came to an end. Good ones and bad ones. The sooner she woke up, the sooner the dream would stop haunting her.

“We end us. And you can get engaged to Paul.”

“No.”

“You’ll get over it.”

“But I love you. So ing much.”

“Yet you’re gonna be engaged to Paul.”

“BUT IT’S FAKE! IT’S ING FAKE!”

Taeyeon extricated herself from Tiffany’s arms and held her at arm’s length. “It’s us or Hyundae. Pick one,” she said, before standing up and grabbing her car keys. “I’m going for a drive.” Taeyeon tried to ignore the sounds of Tiffany crying but it was impossible to. Closing the door on Tiffany made her feel worse but she trudged down to her car and got into it. She started her car up but all she could do was stare out the windscreen into the dimly lit parking lot.

“Don’t ing cry now,” she said to the tears forming in her eyes. But they didn’t listen to her. Instead, more and more of them formed and spilled onto her cheeks. “,” she muttered as she closed her eyes. “ you. I ing hate you,” she said to no one in particular.

was all she could feel or say right now.

–