After dinner I excused myself to the bathroom and went upstairs where I knew no one would be able to hear me purging all this ilk up.

((This could be very triggering and or gross you out a lot so please skip this if you don't want to get major triggered or grossed out please))

I went my index and middle fingers with some warm water before opening the toilet seat and standing over it. I quickly shove the two fingers down my throat, causing my gag reflex to kick up. I force myself to cough as my fingers are being shoved down my throat to help get the food up. Moment later I lean over, throwing up a bit of the food in the toilet.

Not enough. I must get more up.

With that I shove my fingers down my throat again, repeating what I had been doing before. Throwing up just a bit more this time. I repeat this continuously until I get all the food up and my fingers are covered in blood from my throat bleeding.

I'm glad to know I can still purge.

I flush the toilet and was my hands before opening the bathroom door to find Chen standing outside it.

Oh .

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Doing what?"

"Hurting yourself like this. Xiumin don't lie to me. I know you where in there purging. I for one heard you gagging and two why else would you come up here to use the bathroom but so no one could hear."

"I had to do it"

"But why?" Chen pleads knowing he won't get more than a lie from me.

"Look; I've finally lost enoug and am at a weight I actually like and I don't want to go back up"

"What's your weight then?" Chen asks as calmly as he probably could.

"45 kilos" I say quietly

"Xiumin! What the ! That is way underweight. You should want to gain weight not lose anymore"

"I'll worry about it when I'm dead" I reply calmly as Chen continues to freak out.

"You see that's the thing. You actually could die from this"

"Chen calm down. I've been dealing with this disorder for pretty much half my life I always try to recover but eventually I'll relapse. Recovering isn't as easy as it seems. You can't just eat one thing and be fully recovered. It takes a lot of time."

"I know that but...just please try to recover at least. For all of us?"

I sigh "Fine I'll try recovering" I lie to both Chen and myself. We all know I'm not recovering any time soon.

"Thank you" Chen says with a smile. "Now come on the guys are waiting on us downstairs."

Sehun tried to talk to me but I ignored his attempts to talk, so he walked over and started talking to Luhan. I roll my eyes and walk to a part of the floor no ones sitting around and take a seat there by myself until Luhan walks over to me.

"What the is up with you lately!? Usually your so nice and sweet but lately you've just been a ! It seems you don't give a about anything and your starting to get rude about it" He says, his voice quavering a little.

"Because I really don't care anymore! I don't give a about anything at all. Just go back to Sehun since you seem to like him more than anyone" I say, my voice lifeless as my eyes turn to a dark black colour.

Luhan seems taken back a little at this comment and his jaw slightly drops.

"Stop being such a blind douche bag and realize that I don't want to be with Sehun I want to be with you!" He whispers yet at the same time yelled at me.

He then grabs my arm, pulling me up and drags me outside where we don't have to whisper.

"Why are you acting like this?" He asks as we get out to the beach. I stand looking out at the waves as they crash up onto each other for a while before actually answering.

"Because you were sitting here kissing someone else! How can i not be mad!" I practically yell at him Luhan.

"It was a mistake why cant you understand that! I was just caught up in the moment"

"Yeah caught up in the moment alright" I say sarcastically rolling my eyes.

"Whatever I'm done go talk to your new boyfriend Sehun considering you seem to care so much about him" I say and walk back inside. Luhan doesn't follow and I don't care that he didn't, he can stay out there for all I care.

I storm upstairs and into my room closing and locking the door behind me.

Luhan's POV

I watch Xiumin storms off, too shocked to move. It hurts what he's just said hurts. Sehun walks up to me a few minutes later.

"Are you okay?" He questions putting his arm around my shoulder. I shrug his arm off and he gives me a confused look.

"I'm fine, just need some time alone" I shove my hands in my jacket pocket and slowly walk away, making my way upstairs, head down and ignoring the other members asking me if I was okay as i walked to my room.

I throw myself onto my neatly made bed disorganizing it a little as I get on it. I groan and begin to think about something.

A small silver razor blade I kept in my drawer under my shirts in case I ever needed it. I stand up and walk over to my dresser pulling my drawer open and searching it. I finally find the blade and pull it out staring at the shiny piece of metal.

I slowly slide my thumb across the blade. Its really dull and wont do much to my skin but maybe a small tear, but there wouldn't be blood. I sigh throwing it in the garbage I keep next to the bed.

I silently walk out of my room and into the bathroom. Grabbing a new razor from under the sink and taking it into my room.

I lock my bedroom door behind me an sit on bed. Silently, I rip the razor apart, removing the three small blades from it throwing the two useless, not even sharp ones in the trash.

I lay the three in front of me searching for what looks like the sharpest one. As I find it I grab it, holding it between my thumb and index finger. I run my finger across it and my finger gets a small cut.

Definitely sharp enough.

I hold my wrist out and put the blade to it, not slicing it open just yet. I haven't actually cut in three years so I've forgotten what its felt like. Guess we're gonna remember. I take a breath before digging the blade into my arm and begin to slice it open naming a reason for each cut I place on my skin.

"You are worthless" one cut

"No one wants you" two

"He never loved you" three

"You don't deserve life" four

"You deserve this pain" and five

I look down at the crimson colour of blood spilling from my wrist. I feel the wounds begin to sting a little and I smirk at the pain. I hold my arm up and watch the blood slowly drip down it. None of the five I've done are too deep but they seem to bleed a lot.

"Oh !" I say to myself realizing we have to get measured for our clothes for our next comeback tomorrow.

I feel the need to add more and I cant resist the urge. I need to do it somewhere I can hide it and no one will see.

I pull my pants down to my mid thigh so I can get to my thigh to add more. I look down at my naturally bare and unhairy legs. Pulling the bottom of my my boxers up a little, revealing the top of my thigh, I push the blade into my leg slicing it open.

I add more and more till the top part of my left thigh is covered in blood. I drop the blade and some blood splatters onto my bed from both my leg and the blade.

I rinse off my leg and wash the dried blood off my wrist, wrapping a bandage around it to cover the scars. I get into my bed and just lay here.

I cant seem to sleep anymore and I haven't been able to since he left me. For hours I lay wide awake staring at either the ceiling or my closed eyelids.

I look at the clock to see its after two and I groan, slamming my eyes shut. I eventually fall asleep but wake up not too much later by Kris banging on the door.

"Get up we need to go" he yells through the door.

I sleepily rub my eyes and stand up walking over to my dresser, pulling it open. I grab out a pair of black skinny jeans and a T-shirt.

I quickly slip the clothes on and grab the hoodie of Xiumin's slipping that on as well.

Walking out of my room Kris gives me a confused look.

"Why are you always wearing a jacket its hot as outside you don't need one" I shrug my shoulders and walk into the bathroom to finish getting ready.

Xiumin's POV

((I like skipped to where their at the SM building cause talking of them getting ready's lame))

Should i fix things between us? I still feel slightly mad at him but I feel stupid and childish for still acting like this. I don't know what to do any more. I almost gave up again last night but I told myself I'd fix this. But that didn't stop all the scars from appearing all down my arms.

I find myself walking over to Luhan which even I find surprising. The K members will be getting measured first so we'll be stuck here waiting for a while. I might as well take the time and use it now.

"Hey" he says as I get over to him.

"I'm sorry i ed everything up" I burst out instantly cursing myself in my head.

Good job tard.

"Its okay" he says in a monotone, lifeless voice.

"No it's not okay! Nothings okay! I've almost given up so many times because of this! I've been so rude to you because I don't deserve you. You don't deserve a up like me either"

I once again say this without thinking and he gives me a shocked look as I do the same.

"You're not a up! If anyone ed up its me! I did this to you! Its because of me you almost gave up and I feel awful cause of it! Please do forgive me I really do love you"

I'm hesitant before actually answering Luhan. I still have mixed feelings about forgiving him. Should I do it? Its not easy to just push these things out of the way. I cant just forget this happened this will always be here. I don't even know what to do anymore. Should I forgive him and just move on with us?

But I cant live with the fear of him doing it again. If I forgive I'd be in constant fear of that but if I don't forgive I'd live with regret of loosing Luhan.

This decision is too complicated. I want him back but i also want him gone.

What am i to do?

I let my mouth and heart choose, not my brain. I don't think, instead I just speak and let my mouth and heart choose the answer.

((Authors Note))

Wowiez I'm updating on time for once!!!

Okay guys, got a bit of bad news for you. Updating may become slower and later because

1. I get grounded a lot

2. I get in trouble a lot

3. I'm in school so I'm busy with that

4. I get distracted REALLY easily

and...

5. I'm starting softball and that means I'll have like one or two practices a week plus two games a week

But I promise I will try my hardest to edit and update as often as possible.

I'm telling you all this so if I don't post for like over a week you know why. I hope you can understand.

Okay love you all so much ❤

Thanks for the reads hope you continue to read this and like it.