Backstage smelled like a mix of hair spray and sweat. Today was the day of a very prestigious award show, and I was attending to support Shinee, my seniors. It was almost two years to the day since I joined SM as a trainee. Looking back, I didn’t have a lot of friends in the company which made it really hard to want to stay. That is, until the members of Shinee reached out to me and basically took me under their wing. About 6 months into my first year as a trainee, Jonghyun offered to take me shopping with the other members to cheer me up after catching me mid break-down the day before. That was the first time I'd ever really talked to any of them. After that, the members would always check on me and invite me to join their practice sessions, we exchanged phone numbers and quickly grew to be really good friends. Shinee was the reason I stayed. All of them became family to me. After all, my real family lived overseas in the states so the members were the closest things I had. The boys were always there for me no matter what it was. When I ran out of the practice room crying, they were right behind me. If I needed someone to practice Korean with, they would help. When I was stranded in my dorm and couldn’t move due to severe cramps and I needed tampons, they went to the store and bought me some. I spent countless days and nights in their dorm, basically living their because I didn't like being alone in mine and they always welcomed me with open arms. So obviously even if I wasn’t famous yet, I had to attend their performances because it was the least I could do to support them. Shinee was in the dressing room getting ready while I sat in a little tent backstage and waited. It was hot and stuffy and I was growing impatient waiting for them. Finally they came out, Jonghyun first, smiling and walking towards me.

"I’m so sorry! I didn’t think it would take that long" he shook my arms around as he apologized and the rest of the members came out. We could only chat for a couple minutes before they were called to start taking their positions and I was escorted back to my seat in the audience. I gave each of them quick hugs and waved as I was dragged out of the tent.

"Bye! Cheer loud!" I heard Jinki shout before he disappeared from my sight. Jonghyun was the last to leave eye range. My heart dropped a little as the eye contact broke and I could no longer see his nervous smile or his hand ever so slightly reaching out to me. Before the boys and I got close, I was a huge Shinee fan and Jonghyun was always my favorite. Well maybe not “favorite”. They were all so talented, funny and charming. Jonghyun was always the one I felt the most drawn to. The way his smooth, powerful, y voice filled my ears whenever I listened to their songs consistently gave me chills and warmed my heart. Even after we became friends, there were still those moments where he would just be standing there talking and I couldn’t help but stare and take every last bit of his unremarkable body in through my eyes. Or I would watch a performance and look at him and my heart and mind would just stop. My seat became extremely uncomfortable after sitting there for what seemed like forever, waiting for Shinee to come on. Finally the lights slowly dimmed and I heard the audience go silent as blue and white lights began to illuminate the stage. The silence was quickly interrupted by the uproar of the crowd when Shinee's silhouettes became visible and the intro to Symptoms started up. Even in just those few seconds I could scan the line the boys were in and make out who was who. Jinki stood on the far left followed by Taemin who was standing slightly farther up then him. On the right was Minho who was standing behind Key but was basically being covered by Key's ridiculously large, black sunhat. In the middle as always, was Jonghyun. He claimed that their form looked better if the shortest stood in the middle. Personally I think he just likes being the center of attention. But that’s what I loved about him. He made up for my extreme introverted personality with his big boastful presence. I felt myself melt back into my chair when Jonghyun's figure was lit up as if it were the most comfortable seat I’ve ever sat in. My eyes were attached to the performance my best friends were putting on, in awe yet again by just how talented these 5 men were. All of them performing together never failed to blow the entire crowd away and left me in a daze afterwards. But I couldn’t help looking at Jonghyun every few seconds because missing any part of him on stage, body rolling and belting out melodious notes, felt like a crime. This song was notorious for being basically for your ears. And seeing them perform it live made me understand just how tantalizingly true this was. These boys were my best friends and I’d never thought of them as anything more (well, with the exception of Jonghyun) but when they were on stage performing, no matter what song it was, it was a completely different story. They became these freakishly talented gods that took your heart, soul, and ity with just one move or note. And when they performed Symptoms, all of that just doubled in intensity. I honestly felt a little embarrassed at how I was watching this performance.

As the song ended and the lights went down, the crowd was going wild, applauding and screaming, the MC patiently waiting with a smile for everyone to quiet down. After cheering and shouting at the top of my lungs as well, I collected my bag and hurried away from the crowd, making my way backstage, trying to shake off the daze Shinee had once again put me in. I arrived at the small white tent just a minute before the boys came through the curtain with big smiles, shirts half on, half ed and drenched in sweat. They looked very pleased with their performance as they ran to me and almost knocked me over with their group hug. They smelled like a weird fusion of sweat and hair product that kind of made me want to puke, but I had smelled it so many times before I was used to it by now. I just smiled and tried to fit my arms around all of them.

"Yo, guys you did so good! Probably your best Symptoms performance yet" I managed to say once they let me out of the bear hug and I could breathe again. I got a chance to actually look at them then and I noticed there was an empty space where a head of silver ashy hair should be. Taemin, Minho, Jinki and Kibum were standing and smiling like idiots half talking to me and half talking amongst themselves about the performance. They really did pour their hearts into that performance, anybody could tell. It was one of their best performances. "Hey where’s Jjongie??" I asked curiously, trying to hide my desperate tone.

"Oh he'll be here he just had to do some testing for our next performance." Taemin replied without seeming to notice my wandering eyes staring towards the door. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"So you liked it?" Key was trying to get my attention. "Did my outfit look okay?" This was always his first question after every performance.

"You looked like a total hottie don’t worry." I laughed and playfully pulled on his shirt. The door burst open and that angelic voice filled the room with a victory song. Jonghyun always celebrated a good performance with whatever cheerful song came to his mind. Immediately I went over to him with a huge smile and punched his shoulder.

"Hey, that was awesome man-" he caught me off guard with his swift move to grab my wrist and pull me into a hug with a smile on his face. That split second seemed to play in slow motion, letting me take in his beautiful face. I focused on the way the light caught on the folds and dents of his face and neck where the sweat was built up, I moved to his downward slanted eyes that were barely visible because of his crooked but perfect smile pushing up on his cheekbones. And then time started again and I was in his warm grasp for only two seconds before being pushed back to face him again.

"I’m glad you came tonight! How was it??  I’m so tired. But we have one more performance so quick, give me some energy!" I was taken aback by how y his voice sounded all out of breath and excited. I laughed and took him by the shoulders, shaking him violently.

"There! I just shocked you. Feel better??" He flicked my forehead and called me an idiot before going over to s and telling them they needed to get back to the dressing room to get ready for the next performance. "You’re staying right?" Jonghyun asked me with an expectant expression.

"Well duh, you guys are my ride home." They all smiled and Jinki ruffled my hair before they all ran back to the dressing room. And there I was, standing and smiling at the stupid idiots I call my best friends.