"Eun Hae ah...."

I couldn't hold it in. I held all the guilt in for so long even though I apologized for it and was forgiven. Has my idea caused far too much pain for everyone? First Daegon, then Raehyun and now Kan. I can't blame them. I just can't since they are all doing their best to reach my heart. I now realize it is truly my fault. I am the one who isn't accepting everyone fairly. All this time, I have had a set level of how much I accepted all of them. This is why Yejun and Jinon can do more things freely. This is why Daegon and Kan get super jealous and sometimes rage because of it. This is why the guys have fought so much. I lied to them.. This isn't how I wanted things to turn out... Is this the reason of why I can't choose yet? My heart hasn't honestly chosen anyone yet with full belief. I still feel like they are friends that hang out with me everyday. Now that I have figured out the truth behind the flaws, I couldn't express how sorry I felt. Nothing but tears came out. Jinon pulled me into his embrace and hugged me tightly, not letting go.

"Eun Hae... please don't cry. This isn't your fault."

"But oppa... it is..." 

"If it is then why?"

"Because I haven't been fair! I like you and Yejun way more than the rest."

"How is that a problem? Even if I am the one saying it?"

"Because it makes the other jealous. Because you guys have the right to do things more freely. Because they can't do things that make me overly uncomfortable. The reason why this happened is because I was going to let Yejun kiss me. I didn't really care. Some part deep down inside of me wanted it. But the guys got jealous because they knew I was going to let it happen, despite the fact that it was Kan's turn."

"What was that look you gave Kan then?"

"At the time, I knew what Yejun wanted to do. I knew everyone was going to get mad. I didn't want Kan to misunderstand but..

"But?"

"I don't even know! I feel so terrible.. Letting this happen. Please don't take this the wrong way. It isn't that I hate Kan or the others it's is just... I lied. Saying that I was going to be fair."

"Sweetie isn't the point to make your feelings sway more towards someone though?"

"Yejun I know but I can't when I haven't decided more than 80% yet. I want to stay fair and even to the near end but you can see now."

"Why can't you just let yourself fall in love?"

"Because.. because.. I..."

"Dislike lying to others and forcing your heart to do something?"

I nodded. How come they understood? 

"Eun Hae ah, listen to me for a minute. This may sound vague and wrong but it is okay. It isn't fair in anyway at this point so just do it. Fall in love. If it is so hard to stay loyal to yourself and others, then don't. Staying fair just means forcing yourself to like someone you might not actually like. This is the time to listen to your heart and wants rather than to go with your guts. Okay?"

"But Yejun, are you sure? I don't want to make anyone angry."

"I am. It is better for you. Just trust me."

"So clear everything. Keep the schedule thing but be open instead of fair. If I want it then let it happen?"

"Mhmm. Alright?"

"Alright. Jinon, is that okay for you then?"

"I agree with Yejun so yes. "

November 24 12:07AM

I was in my room, in my plush shorts and t-shirt, ready for bedtime. The boys were already put to sleep after eating a large dinner and a good drink of soju or two. I was applying my night lipbalm when I heard the door open. I peaked around the corner. Kan? Why Kan? At first I didn't care since he was probably coming over to fume off or avoid the boys. Placing my phone on the bookshelf across my room, I was about to hop in bed when Kan, behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist and shoulders, hugging me lightly. Science couldn't explain the weird feeling I got in my stomach. It wasn't butterflies. 

"Eun Hae... please forgive me."

His raspy, voice broke my heart as it was filled with emotion and sincerity. I was going to forgive him but not with words. No way. I am going to do this my way since I did something I shouldn't have the other day with Yejun. Since I stole his chance. I am not doing this for fairness but because I want to. Actions mean a lot more than words in this scenario. I took a big deep breath, turned around, held his small, sharp cheeks in my hands, staring into his tear filled eyes that bounced and blinked all over the place. The amount of tears grew and grew as I his face with my fingers, watching him blink the tears down. His big hands, trembled, gripping the hem of my shirt. My heart ached... I got on my tippy toes, quickly catching Kan's lips between mine. They were melt in your mouth warm, slightly but not weirdly sticky and tasted like a dark rich and strong cup of mocha. Still bitter but never realized because of the sweetness. All the more to love. The minute our lips touched, locked and unlocked, Kan was going insane. Forcefully running my arms up and down my back, gripping my torso tightly, not wanting me to stop but wanting more. I could feel his lips quivering when I pulled away. He breathed heavily, gasping for air. Looking up again with those anime like eyes, I kissed him one more time.

"Kan oppa."

"Yes..?"

"Did that count as forgiving you?

"Oh? Really? Eun Hae, really?"

"What more do I have to give?"

"Nothing at all."

His smile slowly pulled from ear to ear, full of satisfaction. If that was enough for him, then give him more than he wants. I nudged him into my bed, me getting in as well, pulling the covers over us. His eyes flickered in the moonlight, slowly decreasing in the amount of tears. Kan's cologne filled my brain, putting me to sleep, in his arms comfortably without a word being said as he ran his fingers through my hair non stop. The warm fluttery feeling I got while sleeping next to him was beyond amazing. Too amazing for words. Was that the right thing to do though?