November 18 8:00AM

I was in the practice room again, alone waiting for the boys. Peace and quiet. Dance practice is the greatest place for just blowing off some steam and regaining your sense of what reality is. I was thinking of the past month and Raehyun who I fell in love with in October. when all of a sudden the door opened and slammed shut. Raehyun burst in, giving me a strong gaze as he came closer and pushed me against the wall. He leaned in closer, never dropping eye contact. His expression was unreadable but something screamed danger. 

"Eun Hae, be honest. I know you like me. Why didn't you tell me? What are you hiding?"

"Nothing."

"If it is nothing then just say it. You like me right?"

"Well.. um...."

"See you are hiding something. What is it? Are you faking it? Did you do something with the others?"

"No no not at all. I wouldn't do that."

"Then you like me."

"Okay yes. I do. Simply done."

"You should have told be a long while ago. I hate it when people hide things from me. Do you know how much it hurts to be trying your best but not knowing that you already reached your goal. It is like there is no reason to be trying so hard anymore. There isn't a reason to be giving up so much for one thing. It makes me go mad. I can't believe you would do that to me, Eun Hae."

Raehyun was infuriated. I didn't do anything wrong. If he knew for such a long time, why didn't he ask first? I felt guilty anyway. He kept yelling and blabbering on and on about how hurt he was. It scared me and zapped my feelings for him out of my heart. His straightforward personality hit me hard and I didn't like it. Still stuck on the wall with him pinning my shoulders down, I couldn't move and I could only accept his words, still terrified that he was going to hit me. Not that he was the kind of person to do that but he was so mad I really thought he was going to. Jinon, Kan, Daegon and Yejun burst in at that moment. None of them were confused. None of them were shocked but instead frowned. Daegon dragged Raehyun to the other side of the room and was joined with Jinon. I immediately stood behind Kan, grabbing onto his sweater out of fear. Yejun and Kan kept asking me if I was okay, never leaving my side as the two oldest members scolded Raehyun. By that time I was shivering as Kan pulled me towards his chest. 

"Raehyun what are you doing?" 

"Are you out of your mind? You shouldn't yell like that, especially at Eun Hae."

"Why would you do that? I don't care if you are mad but that was just wrong!"

"What you said was insulting. Are you sticking to your own feelings or are you paying attention to her's too?"

"Making her uncomfortable at that level is insane. Why are you trying so hard? Don't force it out of her! If she likes you, then she will say when she feels like it is alright to say it!"

"Never do that again! Can't you just go with the flow of things? Let it be for life sake!"

"You thought she was keeping a secret from you? Are you dumb? Just because she won't confess, it doesn't mean there is a secret."

"Get your thinking cap on man!"

Kan sat me down on a chair and gave me his water bottle. Yejun gave me his sweater again headed to change without saying a word. Jinon and Daegon were still hammering words into Raehyun. I wouldn't dare look in that direction. I couldn't. Something inside of me told me to not. A couple minutes later, they finally shut up and went to change. Raehyun stormed off, leaving me alone in the room again. The lonely solemn feeling of the room made me realize that I just had my heart broken. His harsh words shoved a betrayed feeling inside of me, making my feelings for him dissipate. Kan came out from the change rooms and knelt down in front of me. Jinon then Daegon then Yejun came out as well. All of them walked over to me. 

"Eun Hae are you okay?"

"Now I am thank you."

"Just relax. Don't think about anything."

They were all stretching and warming up before the instructor came. Practice was way less than normal. Things got out of hand about an hour in. At first we were all happy, trying our best with me helping on a couple of counts but the guys couldn't help but realized the dull look in my eyes as I sat in the corner, staring into space. They messed up so many times after that, forgetting spacing, forgetting position changes, forgetting a move on this count, counting off beat and so on. The instructor stopped the music, yelled and scolded the person's mistake and started over again. It wasn't long before he realized what their gazes were focused on. I was startled when he told them to focus and look ahead. The whole session was just chaotic. Daegon didn't say anything, Jinon was making mistakes, Kan was sloppy with transitions and Yejun didn't do much precisely. By the 205th retry, the teacher stopped and walked in front of the mirror, arms crossed tightly. 

"What is up with you? Are you taking this seriously?"

"Yes we are!"

"Then show it! It seems to me that you guys don't care anymore and are just looking for some pity. Do you need to go back to trainee days and find your resolution again? Pick your stuff up! This isn't a game! This is a real career! You can't just go around being all stupid and care freely, expecting people to take you in. Are you thinking of doing that?"

All of them remained quiet, heads down out of shame. I kept thinking it is apart of a humans response system to be worried. But they shouldn't be worrying about me. No way. I am fine. I said I am fine. Hearing the teacher yell at them after such a long time hurt me. I got up, placed my things on the counter and turned towards the teacher.

"Mr. Kang Im Ro, pardon my rudeness bu-"

"You stay out of this. You have nothing to do with this."

"You wouldn't understand why I have something to do with all this chaos. It would be too hard for you to understand."

"Excuse me? So Miss know it all, if you think I won't understand it, then explain."

"Stop. Don't you ever. Ever talk to Eun Hae like that again." Yejun grabbed the instructor by the shirt and glared straight into his eyes.

"Oh-ho what is this. Sticking up for a girl I see? I know you guys have been with her for awhile now. Don't tell me you like her."

"So what if I do? You have a problem with that?"

"Oppa, stop."

"Now the girl is sticking up for the guy. Are you two dating?"

"Hey, that is enough. It is rude to speak to a girl like that anyways." Daegon was nearly pleading for this to stop. His eyes were already filled with tears.

"Two of you like her? If things are going like this, I am assuming all of you like her."

"Oppa, all of you. Just stop. This is pointless. It is too hard to keep this a secret anymore from him. We should take a deep breath and let it all out."

"Miss know it all, what are you leaking huh?"

"Let me get this straight. I am only saying this once. Get mad, go crazy, be fine with it. I don't care. Your reaction is none of my business. All 5 of them have feelings for me. Is this stopping them from being 100% tip top passion filled idols. Yes. Is there anything we can do about it? Not really so just deal with it. All of them will do what they want. Are you going to stop a man's actions and emotions just to get satisfactory? Just to get your job done? Feelings are feelings."

"You are telling me that 5 guys all liking one girl doesn't affect an idols career majorly?"

"I told you I am not repeating anything. Think it in any format or form you want. I don't care if you understand it or not. Now if you could get out. We don't need you if you are going to be this rude towards them and me personally."

He sighed, gave us the death glare and walked out. I pulled out some tissues from my bag that I brought because the boys weren't going to bring any. I knew they weren't. I passed the boys their change of clothes, holding in my reaction to their expressions. Jinon stepped up, bowed and apologized to me. I didn't ask why but instead lifted his head up and wiped away his sweat, smiling. 

"Whatever the reason may be, oppa, you don't need to say sorry. Now all of you, hurry, shower and change."

"But we don't have a dance instructor anymore."

"Who says?"

"Didn't you just fire him?"

"I can't fire people. Only the company can. I have a feeling he is going to quit. So I have a new plan."

"We can't change the routine. We already performed it over twenty times. Nobody else knows the timing by heart and nobody knows how to improve."

"Who learned this routine before it was even professionally taught to you guys?"

"No way. Eun Hae, you?"

"Jinon, you didn't know?"

"I thought you just helped us by watching..."

"Silly, I know everyone's routine."

"So you can perform this dance in any one of our positions?"

I winked, not giving him an answer. The guys were surprised, putting all the puzzle pieces together of why I knew and why I showed up so often. After that, we went for frozen yogurt in Itaewon. My treat. I sent the guys home, telling them I was going to go find Raehyun. Kan was scared that I was going to get hurt so he came too. 3 hours of searching passed... We started at noon... We found him at the top floor of SM's building, in a guitar studio. He was all alone, playing his guitar, sitting on the couch. I quietly walked into the room, telling Kan to stay. Raehyun's face was all puffy and drained of color. He obviously cried. I sat in a chair, watching him play random notes, in no particular order, making no worthy tunes at all. I was reminded of that time he spent the whole night with me, trying to teach me how to play a certain song. I grabbed the keyboard from the table in the corner and repeated the notes that he taught me that night. Raehyun looked up at me silently, understanding why.

"I am sorry."

"If you are, can you explain your feelings to me? I won't say anything."

"I did like you. Everything you did made my heart speed up, made me nervous, gave me butterflies. I saw sides of you that I never would have seen. I was so caught up in my feelings and obsession that I didn't realize you. I forgot that you were still trying. I forgot that the others were too. In the end, I wasn't really in love. It was just me, imagining things past reality. I am sorry I couldn't say anything earlier. I wasn't hiding anything in the first place."

"Thank you. Also I should be the one that is sorry."

"You were caught up in your own feelings too?"

"If that is the way you want to put it then I will agree."

"Okay."

"So can I go back to trying or should I just drop it and leave it all be?"

"Whatever pleases your heart."

He smiled for the first time in ages, nodded and got up, not hesitating and hugging me gently. The day ended with long apologies from everyone and to everyone. We were all sorry for the smallest things that we should be sorry for. We were all sorry for things that should have been apologized for months ago. The hiatus started tomorrow so no more promos and no more practices and no more schedules until the song was finalized. It was also Kan's 2nd turn.