✳Deep Thoughts✳

She open her eyes and search through the darkness of the four edge room, constantly blinking at the nothingness to keep her head straight.It wasn't your everyday brightness wake up but it's just dark. insomnia, her bestfriend is on it's role again. Having to keep her awake hasn't really please it enough yet, it just has to wake her up at four in the morning.

She turned and lay her back on the bed, her body felt numb. It's as if she doesn't have anything inside her which she find really helpful as she no longer has to fear physical pain. She stare at the ceiling that she couldn't make out- but assume it was the ceiling. She was surrounded by nothing but darkness, a whole lot more like her. She prefers darkness over daylight as it provides fear and excitement at the same time; not knowing what will be inside the darkness but anticipating it.

We grow up, believing those lies and folk tales about monsters under the bed, believing that darkness is what keeps the monster awake. But have we ever contemplate to what may be within it? Those were lies brought by people who fear, the lies that were going round for generations and generations, the lies to make children sleep on their curfew; it was all selfishness. Humans are selfish and ignorant. We all are.

Scratch that. Why was she going so deep? Think deep to be exact. Oh wait she is deep. She has a whole lot more vision and opinion on how she sees the world. The creatures living inside it are the monsters itself. 

Some days, she would wake up, get out of bed and brush her teeth like any normal human being; some days, she would wake up and lay in bed, looks at the ceiling and wonder what's the point of getting out of bed and brushing her teeth like any normal human being. 

There's no point to wake up and stay alive for the rest of the day to be honest. You live, try hard to strive and you all end up dying. 

"Overthinking kills" she reminded herself mentally. Negative thoughts were invading her mind again. Then it clicked her. 

Her assignment. 

Her assignment that is supposedly due today if she remembered correctly. "The bravest thing you ever did" crap. She didn't even like the whole composition writing thing to start off with. The teacher treats the students as if they're kids-well some of them are, mentally but despite that, 1000 words? Really? They're in the teens for goodness sake not kids anymore.

She didn't even know why she was mad like hell she was just messed up. Probably because of yesterday but whatever. She got out of bed in the speed of a turtle and slowly walk to the door where the light switch is located. Clearly, she didn't know and didn't see where she was going because she tripped on her mat which made her fall face down on the floor. 

The impact of her knees and the tiled floor caused a burning sensation on her left knee but it didn't really pained. It was more of like, an ant's bite i may say. A little pain that woke up her nerves. Her emotional pain plus feeling numb helped her bear the physical pain. Now thinking about it, depression isn't that bad.

She picked herself up, dust off the invisible dirt off her pants and stumble in the darkness, hands fiddling on the wall to find the switch and once she found it, she press on it. Her knees were already stinging in pain and she knew, some bruises will occur right there but she couldn't care less. The chandelier in the middle of the room flickered it's orange light and overshadowed the darkness, showing the full view of the room. 

She walk to the bathroom and did her morning routine.

Minah pulled the chair from her study table, smooth down the back of her skirt and sat down. She the koala lamp that she seems to old to be using on the left side of the table despite the fact that there was already light in the room. She just find comfort in the white light that the lamp shone because this lamp, held a deep meaning.

The lamp was her 7th year old birthday present. A present bought by her parents when they were traveling to Australia for a business trip. She was never so grateful because all of her past birthday presents were only food or the opportunity to travel-but this, this was different. In her opinion, only this was considered a "proper" birthday present. Though a lamp may not sound much but it meant alot to her. Sad thing was, she didn't knew it was her first and last one.

She pulled out a pen from the pen holder and stare at the blank paper. She didn't thought of what she would write or should write because now, she's just empty. She wanted to finish her assignment to get grades but have she thought of the process? 

No. She didn't. 

She didn't know what to write or how she write, should she use a pen or a pencil, should she use an A4 paper or A3 paper, should she write just copy straight from the internet, should she-

"Screw anxiety" she cursed in her head and rested her head on the table. Closing her eyes, she tries to think of something, something she did that was considered brave enough. Unfortunately, right now, nothing was in her mind. She just want to get over with this, with life, with everything but then, something came in mind

"The bravest thing i ever did was continuing my life when i wanted to die" 

The conversation with Mark.

She lift her head off the desk and stare blankly at the lamp, her inside self was fighting one another for the final decision, to write or to not write. It was simply something minah said without much thought, to live when you want to die. Not really heroic in her opinion. 

Her subconsciousness took over her as she starts scribbling something on the paper

Name: Kim Minah
Assignment due: 24th april 2014

"The bravest thing i ever did" 

To wake up everyday like an ordinary person is never easy - not for me. To wake up means to face what reality is gonna throw at you. You have to be brave to have no fear for what lies ahead, it takes trust and love for you to keep striving, knowing that even if you do go through hard times, you do have your loved ones by your side.

It's cliché. Knowing that everything will end one day but you're still continuing it. "Why not end everything now when it's still gonna end later?" I will always ask myself because i, have difficulty trying to live. It's hard to live in this cruel world, a world where no one can be trusted. Now you will ask me why i'm talking about these but have you ever wonder the point of living? Have you ever thought of why you should live? 

Because i have. 

And because i had thought about it that i'm still living. Life may be cruel and unpleasant but on the other hand, it has it's pleasing points. It may bring you down at times but it may also bring you up in seconds. You live to try all those wondrous or quizzical things that lies ahead of you. It's a challenge for oneself, a test to put human to it's limit. 

Minah glance at the mini alarm clock on the table and she quickly drop her pen due to shock. It was already five which means she had to get to school, fast. She place the pen to it's proper place and stood up. She just needs to finish the rest of the assignment in school, there's still two hour and a half till school starts so she might get to finish on time.

✳✳✳

The spring breeze blew it's air into the classroom through the open window. She sat down at her seat, drop her bag on the floor and took out the paper. As she was scribbling down the words, the wind blew her her hair, making it to dance along with the wind. Oh how she wish the world would be like this. Just her, the air and silence.  
The world would be so great without people living in it.

After an hour, she went through the hardship of still not finishing it, it was hard to write the essay, as she was literally writing about herself-which she doesn't even know about. She herself was a mystery she needs to solve. She didn't know who she was at the moment and didn't want to know either. It was like, you know who you are at the moment and will try to be better, trying to compete with oneself and that would result in self destruction. The less you know, the better. The essay was a challenge, she was supposed to write about something she wasn't sure about.

A little bit more and she will be free from the trap of trying to discover oneself. She scribble the last word with satisfaction, though still unsure whether the essay she wrote would satisfy the teacher. She got that thought off her mind and she read the essay over again, making sure there was no mistakes made. As she was reading, the classroom door open and someone entered. Minah was too absorbed into her essay to realize her surroundings. The person crept behind her back quietly, he peek over her shoulder to see what she reading and folded his lips inwards, trying ti not make a sound. 

She felt the warmth and the aura that she was not alone. She quickly turn her around and saw him standing there and peeking on her paper. Her defensive instinct came as she quickly cover the paper with a book. She wasn't the only one with wide eyes, he had eyes that bulged out too because he was caught peeking. 

"Hi" he grinned sheepishly and rub the nape of his neck, a thing he does when he is nervous

Minah stare at him in astonnishment, her face saying "REALLY? YOU LITERALLY JUST VIOLATED MY PERSONAL SPACE" 

"I-I can explain" 

And again, she didn't say anything but her brows, as if saying "go on"

"I-I just.. I-I.. And you were there... And i..." He sigh and ruffle his hair harshly, making his brown hair go out of place "i don't know"

"Knew it" she mumble and turn back to the front

He sat at his seat that was at the left of minah and pouted at her cutely, trying to make her forgive him. She just stare at him uninterestingly but he wasn't done, he did the "Gwiyomi" and yeah, she had to admit it was a teeny tiny little bitsy cute but nope, she was expressionless.

"Please forgive this Mark. He is sowee~~ he will never do it again" Mark said it in a cutesy voice which almost made minah smile. She honestly did not get it because she was not mad, why is he doing all these things?

"I'm not mad" 

"You're not??" 

She hum and stared at the book on the table, she didn't know why buy she likes his company, he makes the world seem better to her. It's weird. They only met for a few days and he was already trying to break her shell... He's dangerous.

"That's great then!!" He pumped his fist in the air and grin "i saw that though" 

"What?" 

"Your essay. I saw your essay" he poke her shoulder several times, trying to joke around "it was nicely written" 

"It is not" 

"Yes it is" 

"No" 

"Yes" 

"No" 

She then realize she is talking to mark... WHAT DAAA HELLLAAAA

she wasn't meant to talk to anymore, she wasn't supposed to associate with people in general and she is doing it now. She stopped herself from further committing something she wasn't ready as she shut . There's nothing she would benefit from people because in the end, they will all leave. We all die alone. 

"To wake up everyday like an ordinary person is never easy - not for me. To wake up means to face what reality is gonna throw at you." He quoted from her essay and scratch his head "are you depressed?" 

"Isn't it obvious?" She asked mentally 

"You seem somewhat... Different. Different from the other people i know. It's actually a compliment" 

Compliments? She does not believe the compliments she received were truthful. Those are words distorted from the truth, words to please people so they won't feel bad about themselves but deep inside, you know you're not what the compliment says. 

Minah shut up and rested her head on the table, shutting everything Mark says and her surrounding. She's tired. She needs to rest.

Author's note: Now as you all may have noticed, the first few chapters mainly focused on Minah but no worries, more interaction will come later on. Also, i have to tell you people who are not depressed that, people who are depressed do get mood swings easily. And there minah is. Having mood swings. Hope it helped you further understand the chapter.

quote of the day: "I just want to live a life worth writing on".

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