Click on the photo to read the story ^^

Author: Octy08

Reviewer: NorthMelon

 

FIRST IMPRESSION

How effective was the title?

Your title was pretty straightforward. The title basically tells the readers that this story is going to be about a blind person and a not blinded person but refuses to open their eyes. The title does draw my attention though. It makes me want to read more about the story to see what happens to the two. Your story title is easy to remember and it’s catchy as well, making it a good title.

Poster and BG layout? (Only if you have one. If you don't have one, you will not be assessed on it)

I like your poster. It’s does certainly set the mood for this story. However, the brightness is set a little too high. It can actually strain your eyes a little if you look at it for too long because the brightness was set so high. I like the flower in the middle though. It’s very symbolic and really emphasizes that this is a romance story.

Foreword and description: Did it draw me into wanting to read more?

I like you introduction. It’s simple yet it can draw people and make them want for more. I personally like your introduction because it’s short, it doesn’t take too much away from the story and it is very persuading to read on as well

 

STORY

How was the plot laid out?

Since this is the beginning of your story, I’m not going to emphasize much on your plot so I’m going to talk about your start off. It’s good because it’s not draggy and there is action in the beginning which can easily draw readers into continuing. So overall, I really liked it.

How was the pacing of the story? Was it draggy or was it rushed through?

The pacing of your story is a bit slow, but then again, it is still the beginning so I don’t have much to say about it.

Was the characterization consistent?

Your characterization so far is pretty consistent but then again, your story is still in it's early stages so it's hard to tell.

Was the story flow fluent? Was it choppy or was it smooth?

Okay, first of all, please don’t do “(the character’s name)’s POV” when you’re switching between POVs. Firstly, it’s unprofessional and second, it gets really redundant and repetitive over time. That can lead me to eventually stop reading the story. This is my personal opinion though because I have a natural pet peeve against it so you don’t have to put anything I said above into consideration, just to let you know. Other than that, your story flow so far is so far so good. I don’t see any major things that needs to be changed at the moment.

How did you organize your events? Was it in order or was it all over the place?

I don’t like how you organized your events. It’s a little all over the place. Your prologue and your introduction should be switched around. Firstly, your introduction is definitely shorter than your prologue and normally, it’s the other way around and also, this way, when readers read that Namjoo didn’t want to go to photo day, it’ll make readers go crazy, dying to know what happened, that’s where your prologue part comes in. You will start talking about what has caused the scar, and then chapter 1 will explain the after effects. This way, it’ll seem more organized and well planned out.

How effective was the ending of each chapter? Did it leave me wanting to read more?

Your endings are okay, but it doesn’t really scream “I NEED TO CONTINUE READING THIS TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!” in my face. Meaning that your chapter endings don’t have a big enough impact or strong enough cliffhanger to persuade me into reading more. You still need a lot more work on that.

 

MECHANICS

Grammar and Spelling?

Your grammar is readable. But I can point out a couple of mistakes that you made.

 

ie. "They do notice if you stare at them." (introduction)

 

It shouldn’t be written as “if you stare at them.” It should be written as “when you stare at them.”

 

 

 

I also noticed that you have quite a few of awkward sentences.

 

ie. “So when picture-taking day came, I wasn’t there.” (introduction)

 

This sentence sounds really awkward. If you read this out loud, it sounds really awkward, trying to make it sound right. I suggest you read your story out loud when you proofread. That way, it’s easier for you to point out any grammar mistakes and awkward sentences.

 

 

 

You also had a couple of typos here and there.

 

ie. “Oh contrary to that, ugly people do have feelings.”

 

It’s “On the contrary to that” not “Oh the contrary to that”

Use of Transition Words? (It helps with the flow from paragraph to paragraph so it doesn't seem choppy)

Your use of tranistion words are so far so good. It makes the story really smooth and easy to read.

 

How did I like it overall? Further Comments?

Overall, your story is pretty interesting to be taking a look at but it is definitely still a work in progress. I like the story plot and everything and I would continue reading it. But you really need to work at it a lot more.

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