" I can't see myself anywhere away without you ?" 

The burden to stop the clock to let it pass throughout the confused soul, and to bring more joy an assertion to the falling choices wasn't never choice to handle 

No matter how many time Yixing tired to throw his hands in the air and resign the dreadfuls and hopeless tires to hold back his dearest deer , he didn't found his mind nor his heart ready or in mere thought for giving up such pure gentle love : those tender shy touches , those soft lolling sounds when his everything spelled his name, or the indescribable sensation that build up inside him just the simple fact of standing close enough to fall apart without him to hold into.

He is scared . Hell yeah !  What if he is going to get rejected for another time, the old pain, still lingering stingingly inside his bruised heart , but he ceased throbbing front of those sparkling doe-eyes..it worth it .

 " Lets stop .."

The fear never ceased from suffocates him , from breaking his hope a bit darker, painfully than anytime before , it wasn't hard to hold into the stabbing nagging little voices that kept haunting his restless tired mind in full of fear and anxiety. 

The wall o f insecurities , the mere thought of being left alone, ditched and played around for nothing but fun or disenterest..frightnend him dreadfully 

It never easy to stop .

The day wasn't going to unfold in the good way that may brought the joy you needed to breath but yet its all you been calling for .

Dear luhan 

Things keeps getting tangled, difficult and mysteriously hard to understand or bear for a one single breath ....

 I left you when you needed me the most.

I broke our unspoken promises without a second thought.

I drove your heart into the dead end with no hope to dodge you from the unbearable end .

I was nothing but hinder, that kept throwing a frustrating stabbing signs , stained with bitter icy stares ..

I was convinced that  i was the  wrong one  , that I am the wrong itself , the epitome of pain an fallacy , wrongness breathes within me !

I was convinced internally that my presence will only brought sadness, long unweave wretched memories over over an each time you see my face, you hear my voice .

I was coward, useless and selfish back there , I was being in amiss will never be solved with another deep scared wrongness ..

I am not what I  used to be that s for sure, 

For sure , the distance that I planted inside our broken betrayed hearts was once again a valid reason to never look the same nor think the same or even underestimate what this throbbing little organ inside our  swelled lungs ..is capable of doing .

Each time time I hear those broken a muffled sobs in the middle of the night

Each time I observe passively those slender beautiful finger fist painfully to hold down your dry hiccup , to shut down the pain an just sleep in hope i won't be bothered or waken from my sleep..

Each time your pretty sparkling honey orbs filled with melancholy shades

i was stuck , in pangs of guilt an pains and no way in between  

I found no better way, nor a available exit to run away form you, yeah from you

From the mess that I ve caused 

From the agony that I ve caused 

From the sorrow that I ve planted inside that warmest kindest heart of yours

I was such jerk an stupid friend, useless childhood -brother and burdening roommate 

Yet ...

You didn't change at all

You didn't give a about my unforgivable sickening deeds

You were always here in every part of my daily life

Every breath, every stare and every step you took were imprinted inside my brain like quoted conducts

Every fiber from my tired soul, from exhausted limb body , every beat  from my pulsating veins 

You kept pulling me toward the forbidden heaven i used to run an yearn for 

You weren't afraid of being affected into another unfair cruel pangs whenever you called my name 

You are not that coward to confess all your inner-conflicts that were implicit in your bit hesitant but steady steps an action

You are everything  I lacked an yet I was afraid to grasp and treasure just because  I don't deserve it 

I don't deserve your undeniable genuine an innocent concern, worries an tender affection 

I don't deserve all this sweet-to be true heaven that you've once build for me me to live in it

Together..forever

an yet , foolishly and selfishly i smashed  it into million piercing shreds front of your pretty doe-eyes

How can I gain back your trust, your attention an your love when I am standing miles away from you ?

right here...an everywhere closer each time to my downfall 

And i am afraid I will only throw you into it with me ..

You know ..I am not asking for forgiveness nor for second chance

Cause I don't deserve it 

Its my fault

I am the wrong doer her

I am the responsible here for all the damage I ve caused for your little impaired heart

I am the one who should be -mature-aware and in control to act like nothing did happen

Yeah ! i was so damn scared of  another new pain  I may stab you with

You are an angel §

You are my fancy real dream §

You are my everything §

Yet I turned you into this mess

Broken bruised angel

Into nothing but tired scared little deer

How can I forgive myself ?

or allow myself to open up again for you ?

My heart even with his bleeding stained scars is not yet redeemed nor forgiving to all what he inflected 

upon your precious soul

Forgive ,.??

This is can't be easy 

This cant be solved overnight

This can't be taken for granted 

This is you §

A whole throbbing beautiful soul an I broke YOU apart 

Imbecile !  How can repair your mends now ?

How can  I heal you now ?

How can I dry your sticky paled cheeks now ?

You deserve to found the right partner who will deliver you his heart on golden plate

unconditionally free and generously to you 

Who will plant the ground under your feet with nothing but innumerous flowers an wonderful roses

who can turn your dark sleepless night into soothing warm slumbers

Who can bring to you all the joy from whole the world in return for one simple soft smile 

From those petit cheery lips 

That once an forever...

I wont forget how they taste

Heaven!! is within your hand.

an hell is nothing but my final exit 

I can 't let it burn you again

its my turn now 

To taste this love 's bitter burning taste

Let him devouring ME , cut me 

Tearing me apart and bury my sinned heart into

Long dusky slumber

Sorry should I be ? say it 

My Everything ...?" 

Was it dream ? was it illusion ? or was it a real nightmare ?

The heavy rain , didn't halt its restless bangs on the closed windows , an soon there is nothing but striking lights and throbbing thunders

Shivering innerly , sobbing silently and breathing hardly , Luhan was left alone in his apartment two days after that unexpected visit fro his younger brother . there is no trace for echoing voice or sparkling lights 

The unexpected storm was quite strong that cause a short cut in electricity but its fortunate that only after the sunset that it did happen , the other dorms was shut close ....scared , sad or frustrated  choosing to stay tugged inside their  warm dorms instead of scrolling in the darkness an coldness like mad homeless ..

However , Luhan was a different case , he didn't went to university that day because of sudden annoying flu that hit him after he played with Jongin an the other boys basketball the day before.

The truth to be told , what it did made him feels unbearable nauseous an sickening feeling in his entire body turning him quite weak an vulnerable was from his 'uncanny' roommate..

Damn ! no matter how many time  he cracked his mind for one accurate description for that dimple-boy but nothing come out to his mind .

He was utterly frustrated and fluster from all his inner-feeling an with being ill it was nothing but great invitation to sink more into long session of wallow and stress 

But what about this peace of paper i hand ?

What about this letter, confession or whatever ?

What the hell is this ?

What is this suppose to mean ? 

Odd horrendously thoughts runs inside his mind , causing him  another headache , he felt unwell, fed up an drained  like a .

Maybe that s why Yixing left him because he was nothing but a burden , a child who wanted always someone to look after him and rant like whiny bra if the other left him alone .

Yeah! he is pretty much like this 

Biting his tongue, Luhan rose up from his comfy bed an headed toward their shared kitchen to eat something , even his no close in yearn to taste anything but bitter bitterness in the back of his throat 

he didn't notice the small date that was written on the head of the paper nor the brown - leather notebook's cover that fell under the blanket  when he crawled out of it.

He should get used to all this misery he created . 

Isnt time to act strong , independent an all since he was dumped ? 

Dumped  ?

Why does it hurt like hell this realization ?

It is not the first time ?

Its is already well-known feeling to his heart ?

So what ?

So what the hell ?

No one needs him , no one wants him no one s love s him 

"..."

" I still do "

Thanks to the front table Luhan was able to catch himself from falling down, his breath was caught in his lungs an he can no longer makes a move , like glued to the ground he felt himself quite stuck in nowhere

And soon the world start spinning unsteadily 

He clutched tightly on the chair in hope for finding a balance and support but his hands was sweaty , shaky an he can 't see them

He swear to god he can't see nothing but blurry vision

Like multiple fused colored picture shoved front of his paled face 

" I love you " 

But that vanilla sweet scent soon enveloped his dazed mind and he was soon wrapped into tightly so warm embrace .

He didn't look at him he managed only  to breath heavily and sob loudly in fear that this all was dream .

Wasn't Illusion ?

not another soon to fade sweet dream but rather ...

 Sweet lasting -for- eternity  reality ?

Next will be the epilogue  

Thank you for reading dears  (◕‿◕✿)