Chapter 5 (part 1)

A few months later

“Hyung?”

I sighed. Lately, it seemed like every time I got a chance to be alone, someone would either barge in or simply bellow my name loud enough to be heard through the walls of our dorm.

“Yes, Taemin?”

Patience had never been one of my virtues, but apparantly it wasn’t something you could live without when you lead a group of young adults in their early 20s. The members needed someone to depend on, and that person was chosen to be me back in our debut days.

“How many clothes do you think I should take with me for the trip?”

The trip. I had almost forgotten about that, lost in all our schedules, which, with our comeback preparations, were more hectic than ever.

“Oh,” I said, with some hesitation. I hadn’t even thought about packing. “Well, we’re probably going to plan our outfits together a few days before the trip, when we find time.” I paused, thinking about our schedule. We would have performances every day during promotions, plus other events: radio shows, fansigns, fanmeets and others. Also there was a CF we would have to film before departing. “We’ll discuss this when the others get back as well, okay? For now, just plan the things you want to take.”

I offered a smile, sensing his discouraged mood. There were lots of stuff to do, and our maknae was, as usual, the most pressured. 

“Okay, hyung. See you later!” Sending me one more bright smile, –fake or not, Taemin’s smiles were always bright- he exited my room quickly, probably not wanting me to notice that something was wrong.

I considered going after him, offering him some sort of encouragement, but I knew Taemin wouldn’t exactly appreciate it. He was the kind of person that preferred staying alone when he was troubled. 

I wondered if it actually worked for him. Did it make him feel better? Did thinking on his own solve his problems? It definitely didn’t work out for me.

No matter how much time I spent thinking about my issues, any kind of solution just didn’t come to me. I had spent hours pondering on what I should do about my problems; a lot of sleepless nights, tossing and turning on my bed, trying to find a solution to the mess I had created.

Getting into a fight with Kibum had been a selfish thing to do, I realized that. Being the leader, I was supposed to keep the group together, not divide us apart. Because that’s what I had done. The air in the dorm was tense, the members wondering what had happened between us, each of them not knowing whether they had to support one of us, whether they’d have to take sides sooner or later.

Whereas a few months ago I could have easily claimed that our group was close, the way we now rarely spent time together, all five of us, made me think that this situation was tearing us apart.

It was getting out of hand, and, now that we were going to have a comeback, we couldn’t afford not being on good terms. The last thing the group needed was a scandal about the members not getting along properly. We already had a hard time trying not to worry our managers and staff, convince them everything was normal between us.

I sighed. The group was falling apart, and I had to do something about it sooner or later. I had let this go on for too long, and now dealing with it would be a lot harder.

We had all worked hard until now; to debut, to become popular, to stay together. I couldn’t let all of our efforts fall apart because of my own mistake.
I wouldn’t sit around and do nothing. 

I would have to apologize to Kibum soon, otherwise things wouldn’t go well at all.

But how could I ever approach him, talk to him, reach an agreement with him, when he didn’t even turn to look at me?

…

The perfect chance for me to talk to Kibum presented a few days later. 

It had been a busy day –but then again, weren’t all days busy?– and we had just returned to the dorm together after long hours spent practicing.

It hadn’t been a good day at all. All of us were tired, and, with the hectic schedules, everyone had been extremely moody. Not to mention the lack of passion and energy while practicing due to the lack of sleep from all the previous days dragging us down or the constant scolding from choreographers, vocal trainers and managers.

Was it just me, or did they snap at every slip, every little mistake?

In the end, I had asked from our manager to let us off half an hour earlier than scheduled, so we could catch up on lost sleep and be in good condition for the next day.

He had been extremely hesitant at first, not wanting us to slack off, and I really thought he wouldn’t agree for a moment, but, when he noticed a worn-out Taemin almost passing out on the floor, he had to surrender.

We weren’t machines, and we definitely couldn’t function the way the company wanted us to, but what was there to do? Sleeping and resting was something absolutely necessary, whether they liked it or not.

Therefore, we had arrived home a little bit earlier than expected, although I doubted anyone even noticed. 

Bodies stumbled out of the van, faces smiling a bit for the fans gathered outside the apartment complex, five boys, tired more than anything else, entering their haven quickly, wanting to escape the exausting world they lived in.

That was us, reliving the same situation as the day before, and the day before that, and every day for the past month.

When had it become like this? A never-ending cycle of the same actions every single day, each one of us wanting to quit trying so hard more than anything else?

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. No, that wasn’t what we had signed up for.

We had expected a bright future: performing for people that loved us, living our dream, supporting one another… Instead, we had gotten this; this compilation of hard work, exhaustion, dieting, arguments, and everything else we had never wished for.

Suddenly, I felt like crying. For how long would we have to live like this?

Being treated like robots, over-working ourselves to the point of passing out; when would it all be over?

While fumbling with the keys to our apartment, it struck me: I had completely lost any kind of motivation I had to keep me going. After all, what was there in a singer that couldn’t sing live properly, in an idol that couldn’t follow the choreographies, in a person that would never be liked back by his crush?

In the end, what did I have to believe in?

The living room was cold. 

It should have been expected, what with the November weather in Seoul and all, yet it still surprised me. I shivered, immediately going to turn on the heater in the corner of the living room, hoping for some sort of warmth.

I watched silently the members all moving towards the bathroom at once, wanting to grab the chance to shower first in order to sleep a little bit more later.

Leaving my backpack on the floor next to the sofa, I moved to the kitched, checking to see if we had anything edible in the fridge. Not much there; it had been a while since the last time we’d eaten in the dorm, our managers usually taking us some place quiet in order to eat after our schedules.

“Alright, everyone, let Taeminnie shower first! He’s the most tired one, okay?” Key’s voice reached my ears from the corridor in front of the bathroom. 

A quiet ‘thank you hyung’ came from our maknae and small sounds of protest from the other two, but soon, they had gathered in the living room, opting to rest at least a little bit while Taemin was in the shower.

I exited the kitched tentatively, and came face to face with Kibum, who was making his way towards me, or rather, the kitchen. The other two were lying on the sofa, eyes closed.

“Hey,” I said awkwardly, internally listing all the ways I could possibly approach him to apologize properly.

“Hey yourself,” he answered coolly, unfazed by my awkwardness, and the fact that this was the first real conversation we’d had in weeks. He quickly made his way around me, entering the kitchen with a small sigh which I was pretty sure was supposed to go unnoticed.

I paused, wondering if anything would come out from talking to Kibum now, or if I ought to just leave this for another time.

But then again, our comeback was in two weeks, and that wasn’t nearly enough time to wait for another chance when we’d be alone, was it?

I ended up following him in the kitchen, and then desperately searching for the right words to say, while he looked around the kitchen for something to cook.

“Will ramen do?” he asked, and it took me by surprise.

“Uh?”

“I said: should I cook the ramen?” he repeated, half-annoyed, half-amused at my distracted state.

“Oh… yeah, sure.”

I reminded myself that I was there for a purpose, and time was running out. Why couldn’t I just find the right words?

I’m sorry, for snapping at you. For making things between us this awkward. For not being able to stand being a simple friend of yours.

“Kibum-ah…” I trailed off, waiting for his attention to be directed back to me. “I’m sorry. For last time…” I stopped again, hoping that he’d say something, turn around and fill the silence.

“No…” he said, and hesitated. “I’m the one who should be sorry. We’ve all been through a lot, and I don’t have the right to just walk away from this. Not when there are other people counting on me.”

I stared at him thoughtfully, wondering how I had managed to miss the guilt that was swimming in his eyes. Wasn’t he even a bit angry?

“But I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I was just having a bad day, and I wanted to go home quickly.” If only.

Were things going to return back to normal if we solved this? There were lots of things left unsaid, lots of things neither of us had the courage to face at that moment. 

“With our comeback approaching, I don’t want our group to be like this,” I continued. “We have to fix this, even if it’s temporary.”

He nodded. “No more arguing, then.” 

He looked at me, as if waiting for me to confirm his suggestion, and I just realized how much I’d missed all this time we lost ignoring each other. He looked different. More determined, yet discouraged and desperate and… vulnerable? 

He had changed in only a few months… had I changed as well?

“Will you tell the others that we’re eating ramen again tonight, please?”

I nodded, and hurried out of there.

Technically, we had just reconciled; yet, it seemed to me like the distance between us was wider than ever.

…

With our team work somewhat restored, my mood brightened the next few days, thinking that since we had managed to overcome the main problem we had as a group, things were going to be a lot easier.

And, things really did get better, at least when it came to our dorm life. Things weren’t strained at home anymore; eveyone was relieved that the issue had been resolved before it became a serious problem.

We still hadn’t reached a perfectly comfortable state with Kibum, but no matter what, it was a start.

“Okay. Let’s take this once more from the second verse, okay?” our vocal instructor ordered. Jonghyun let out a faint sigh, not audible from where I was standing outside his recording room.

He had been in there for half an hour already, and I really thought that it was a bad idea to put the vocalists first to record. The others would have to wait an eternity for me and Jonghyun to finish.

We had been working on this particular song for the past few days, all trying hard to please the instructor, yet there was always “something missing” or “something wrong.” When the song wasn’t lacking emotion or passion, our intonation wasn’t quite right, Jonghyun’s high notes not quite good enough, my voice too nasal at certain parts.

We were asked to offer perfection, and perfection was unattainable.

Being a group that debuted in a rush, our skills weren’t polished; and, being a group of high expectations, coming from one of the biggest companies in the Korean industry, we didn’t have nearly enough time to practice, take lessons, or improve our skills.

It all seemed like a dead-end. Just as things got better, something else blocked the way. No matter how much we tried to get back on our feet, something was always there, kicking us down. 

How was the group to survive if we continued like this?

A long three hours later, filled with remarks and a little bit of yelling, I exited the recording room myself, leaving room to Taemin, who had patiently waited for me to finish.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Taemin asked worriedly. “You seem really tired.”

“I’m fine. Now go, before he loses his patience.” I managed a smile, partially honest, because it was reassuring, how caring he was.

Even though he was the youngest, he had a way of offering comfort and safety, and it was just what I needed.

I watched him walk into the room, a soft smile painted on my features, and hoped the instructor wasn’t too harsh on him. I then walked out of the room, informing Minho that it would be his turn next with a pat on his shoulder, so he left to enter the waiting room.

I knew that Jonghyun had left early because he had a schedule the next day early in the morning, and that I could have gone with him, but I had decided to wait for the younger members to finish so that we could return all together.

I grabbed a cup of coffee, opting to read a book and voting against sleeping here. Sleeping in the SM building wasn’t the most comfortable thing, even if we were in our personal space: a room given to SHINee for the time between lessons or schedules inside the building. People were busy, thus they were noisy. Even at night, the building was full of people; be it staff, teachers, other idols or trainees.

Once in our room, I noticed another cup of coffee on the table. Not thinking too much about it, figuring out that it probably belonged to one of the staff members that were free to come and go in SHINee’s room, I sat down on the couch.

However, before I had the chance to start my book, the door opened to reveal none other than Key.

“Oh,” he exclaimed, startled. “Did you finish recording?”

“Yes. Taemin’s there now,” I replied automatically, before lowering my eyes back to my book.

“Oh,” he said again, before closing the door behind him. He looked like he wanted to say something more, the torment in his eyes unsettling, but in the end, he remained silent.

I saw him moving towards me from the corner of my eye, but didn’t have the courage to look up. Much to my surprise, he lay down, his head resting on my thigh. I would have jerked away, but I didn’t want him to sense my discomfort.

“Wh-what are you doing?” I asked, stuttering like an idiot, because what the hell?

He only closed his eyes in response, before shifting a bit to get more comfortable. “Don’t say anything. Please.” 

His words left me puzzled. What was he thinking?

I swallowed down my sounds of protest, selfishly enjoying the close contact after what had seemed like a century, even though I had no idea why he was suddenly acting so comfortable around me.

I missed this, I thought. I had missed him.

As my fingers subconsciously moved his bangs away from his eyes, I realized that I wasn’t going to get over my crush on him any time soon. 

How could I, after all, when we worked together, lived together? How could I, when he kept sending me mixed signals?

…

The stage’s lights were too bright.

That’s the first thing I could think of when we walked on stage for our comeback stage’s rehearsal. We weren’t wearing our outfits yet, choosing to rehearse in t-shirts and jeans instead. 

My head buzzed in a mix of fear and anticipation, my thoughts invaded by the choreography’s steps and all the things I wanted to improve during our performance.

We were going to lip-synch, which wasn’t much of a surprise, no; we always lip-synched during promotions. The company couldn’t risk making us sing live, and I hated it.

I knew that I wasn’t the best when it came to singing live, the stress always getting the best of me, but how was I supposed to improve without even trying? It showed that they had no faith in us, and it was unfair. 

As we rehearsed, I kept that thought in mind. I was a singer, for heaven’s sake, not a dancer, and the thing that I was supposed to be good at wasn’t the one I was showing to the world.

How were people going to respect me for my talent, when they’d see nothing of it?

The rest of the night, including our performance, all passed in a blur. The sea of people in front of us a blur of faces and lights. A blur of movements all around me, my thoughts scattered and probably incoherent.

I was pretty sure I made a few mistakes here and there, but the staff members that had watched our performance reassured me that they didn’t even noticed. 

I tried not to think too much about that performance; it was after all, one of the many we were going to have in the next month.

However, I proved my own thoughts wrong a few hours later, tossing and turning in my bed, unable to fall asleep no matter how hard I tried.

I kept thinking of how I had ended up in this situation that was my life. I’d always had a passion for singing, but I never would have expected that I’d find myself being an idol. It wasn’t exactly my dream; dancing, being dressed in glamorous outfits, having to uphold a certain image in front of the public, running away from obsessed fans and my every move being monitored; all this was far from what my thirteen year old self had imagined.

It might not have been what I wanted in the beginning, but was I content with my life as it was now?

Not able to bear those thoughts anymore, I felt the need to get some air. Sitting in the dorm’s balcony to calm myself down had been a thing I had going on ever since we first moved into this dormitory. I’d sit down, watch the city underneath me, think about my problems, and although I never managed to resolve my issues by thinking them out like Taemin or Minho did, it was strangely soothing, this habit of mine.

Still in my pyjamas, I got out of my room, planning to get a bottle of water from the kitchen and get on the balcony. I had to be quiet in order not to wake the others, so I stumbled out of the room and quietly closed the door behind me, but, my clumsy self of course not listening, and my pyjama pants being slightly too long, I tripped, making a loud noise.

I listened to see if I had woken up anybody, and, sure enough, there was some shuffling from Jonghyun and Key’s room, and, then, a door opened, revealing a sleepy Kibum, not so pleased to be awake in the middle of the night.

Why was he such a light sleeper?

“Hyung,” he croaked, his voice deeper than normal, “aren’t you sleeping?” His expression softened as soon as he saw me, and he smiled, still half-asleep.

My heart twitched. This was the first time we found ourselves alone after that incident in SHINee’s waiting room. He had asked me not to mention that night again so I hadn’t, but that couldn’t help me from wondering.

Could it be…?

No. There was no way. I’d long ago acknowledged the fact that this absurd liking I had taken on my bandmate was one-sided, and there was just no way he could ever like someone like me back.

“I couldn’t sleep. I’m probably going to relax a bit on the balcony,” I explained after a moment, and added, “You should go back to bed.”

His eyes focused on mine with some small amount of difficulty, probably taking in my whole appearance: from my pants hanging low on my hips to my oversized t-shirt and messy hair. It wasn’t the kind of image people normally bore when they were around their crushes, but it would have to do.

“I’m not sleepy anymore, so I’ll come with you,” he said, and even though it was clearly a lie, I didn’t complain. Some company wouldn’t hurt, right?

“So… what did you think of the performance?” I asked, because I didn’t want our time together to pass in silence. As long as we didn’t mention certain things that had happened, we would be able to make simple conversation, right?

“Well, it was stressing, to say the least,” he said and smiled at me, an easy and comfortable smile, “but we did well, didn’t we?”

“Better than other times, I think,” I reply, returning the smile.

We arrived at the balcony’s door, and I opened it quickly, the fresh air immediately offering me some calm. The space available was tiny, yet we had managed to bring out a small coffee table and three chairs, with our manager’s help. I sat down on one of the chairs.

“So, are you excited about the trip?” he asked suddenly, after taking a sit next to me; too close for me to function properly.

“The trip?” I said nervously, but quickly forcing myself to regain control over my thoughts. “Oh yeah, the trip… I guess it’s kind of just work, don’t you think?” 

The whole trip was a thing arranged by our company. Supposedly, we were going to relax and enjoy vacation time, but we were going to be filmed almost constantly, so it wasn’t exactly what I considered “healing time.” It was just one more thing we had to do for the public, so that our fans could have an illusion of knowing what kind of people we really were. Obviously, things were, for the biggest part, just scripted or at least planned out beforehand, which only served to prove my opinion: that the company saw us as machines. Programmed and lifeless.

We were going to leave as soon as our promotions were over; in about a month. I wasn’t exactly sure about the destination, but I had heard it was going to be a small Thai island where not too many people would recognize us.

To be honest though, I was anticipating the trip a bit. Work was work, and I knew that, but a change of scenery would only help me at that point.
I was fed up with my life here, and I needed some time to think. A better chance wouldn’t be offered anytime soon, so that was my best shot at sorting out my thoughts about my dreams and my career and my plans in life; while I was away.

I needed the distance, I realized.

“It’s work, I know, but at least we’re going somewhere else; even if it’s only for a week,” Kibum said with a small pout, which I found absolutely endearing.

“It’s going to be nice,” I said in return, because I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t want to go at all.

I turned away from him, shifting my attention to the view underneath us. Even at such an ungodly hour, the city was busy; bright lights, cars everywhere, even several people walking down the street.

“You know,” said Kibum, and when I turned to face him, he was staring distantly at the sky, “I missed you, hyung.”

I only kept on looking at him, too startled by his words to fully process the situation. I looked at him, and after a while, he turned his gaze to face me as well.

There was something in his eyes; something I’d never seen before, something I couldn’t exactly identify.

“I missed you a lot,” he said again, and he hesitantly laced his fingers around mine.

Author's Note:

So, for those of you who didn't hear, the fifth (and last) chapter will be divided in two parts. The chapter was getting too long, so I decided to divide it, instead of making it shorter. (Also, there's probably going to be a small epilogue after the next update.)

This took me longer than usual, which really says a lot, because I tend to update really late, but my sister moved out and went to study abroad a few days ago, so things around the house have been a bit hectic. 

I will try to upload the chapter before the 11th of September, which is when school starts again here, because I'll be probably a bit busy after that.

To all of you, who put up with me when I at keeping my promises and I'm pretty sure piss you off with my extremely long A/Ns; I love you guys, and you are basically my inspiration. Without you, this story wouldn't even exist.

And, to my lovely sister, who, for the first time didn't read this chapter before I published it; I love you, and hope this wasn't too bad. :D

Thank you all, for the nice comments, or for simply subscribing and reading this story.

It's past 1AM here, and I know I'm rambling, so...

Until the next update!