Chapter 1

I felt the impact of the ground before I could even realize I was falling. My eyes had closed just for one second and I found myself on the floor. The music kept going, reminding me of the situation I was in. I felt light-headed and tired. Why was I so tired?

I got up with great difficulty, my injured ankle not able to bear my weight. I walked towards the stereo, limping, and stopped the music. The sudden silence was surprisingly heavy and I grabbed my iPod, using the loud music as a way of comfort. I looked at the clock, only to find out it was already 1AM. The other members had left a few hours ago, as soon as we finished practice. They were probably at the dorm by now. I had stayed behind to practice a bit more our new dance moves, which, despite the fact that Taemin was making them look easy, I couldn't seem to get right. 

I sighed, completely disappointed. Everyone managed to follow the choreographer, yet, little clumsy me hadn't stopped stumbling over the simplest turns, the easiest steps. Why couldn't I follow the others? I just felt like they were running as fast as their positions required and I could never keep up with their pace. Always one step behind. 

They weren't doing it on purpose, I knew they weren't. We were brothers, after all. But sometimes, the pressure was just too much. As the leader, I had to take care of them, and even though I was good at doing that, the other -necessary- part of being an idol just didn't seem to fit me. I couldn't learn flawlessly a choreography in those three months we were given to practice. Hell, I couldn't even walk two metres before falling down.

At times like these, I just wanted to quit everything. Quit running like hell just to be left behind again, quit trying so hard to satisfy everyone and their needs. Because, even though I did my best, I just kept failing every aspect of my life.

Suddenly, my phone lit up, pulling me out of my daze. It was a text from Jonghyun: "Hyung! Where are you? You said you were coming right after us. Well, it's 1AM. What are you doing out so late? Hurry and come back." I smiled, despite all the gloomy thoughts running through my head.

Because, even though I felt they were so much better than me, they were actually the ones that kept me going in this hard path of being an idol.

...

I turned the key inside the lock and quietly entered our dorm. Expecting to face a dark and empty room, I was beyond surprised to find the living room's lights on. I looked around, trying to understand why the others hadn't turned off the lights. I figured that Jonghyun had probably forgotten them on.

I was wrong.

There he was, laying on the couch, probably asleep. My heart skipped a beat as I watched him sleeping peacefully. His messy bangs were covering his eyes, still damp from the shower he had taken a while before. His body was curled up in a ball, making him look even smaller than he already was. He seemed fragile, his delicate figure vulnerable. 

It suddenly felt hard to breathe. My eyes trevelled to his lips, always so inviting. I shook my head, disgusted with myself. This was so embarrassing. I sighed, not liking the kind of power he had over me. It wasn't right, that I was finding him so alluring. I bit my lower lip as I approached him as silently as I could. I bented down next to him and tugged his shoulder.

"Kibum-ah, wake up", I whispered softly, not wanting to startle him or wake the others.

His eyes opened lazily and I found myself getting lost into them. I was suddenly very aware of how close we were and I hastily got up, almost tripping in my hurry. The tension was just too much to bear. Facing him, now that we were all alone was just too hard.

"Y-you should go sleep in your room", I said, hating the way my voice quivered.

He was still half-asleep and I couldn't really bring myself to stay in that room any longer. We did see each other all the time, but it was different now that I was alone with him. It felt more... intimate. And it was no good for me. Because it was driving me over the edge. Those feelings I had kept secret for such a long time, they were demanding to reveal themselves and I couldn't even bear the thought of it. No matter what happened I had promised I wouldn't make a fool out of myself. Had it been about anything else, I wouldn't mind that much. But not with this. Not when it concerned something so personal of mine. 

I reminded myself that being alone with him didn't help at all, and that it was better if I left as soon as possible. Ignoring my mental warnings, I looked at him again. I couldn't stop myself. His eyes were closed once again and he showed no sign of being awake. I decided that it wouldn't really harm him, sleeping on the couch for just one night.

Scarcely had I made that decision and turned to leave, that he suddenly grabbed my arm, half awake. I swallowed hard, my skin burning where his hand was making contact with mine.

"You're awake", was the first thing to come out of my mouth.

"Hyung. You're back." My eyes widened at his sudden formal tone. Since when did Kibum speak formally to me? He always used either a scolding or a nagging tone. Never respectful. He claimed age didn't matter when it came to talent. And, according to him, in that department, we were the ones that should be respecting him. I smiled when I thought of how he had once made Jonghyun speak formally to him. Well, I would probably have, too, if I had been threatened not to have breakfast for one week. 

Kibum suddenly left my hand, managing to sit up and stretch.

"Why were you so late?" he continued, his voice adapting to its usual pitch. He was fully awake now. Before I could answer, he added: "Did you even eat?"

I nodded. "I had brought a sandwich with me to eat."

He rolled his eyes, murmuring something about how "one sandwich is clearly not enough" and what an idiot I was "not coming back with us to begin with." He then motioned for me to come closer and sit next to him and I obeyed, even though I really couldn't stand having him so close to me. He was always so comfortable with everyone that he didn't realize the effect it had on me. I was grateful for that much. 

He'd never noticed how when he was around I couldn't take my eyes off him, how whenever he suddenly talked to me I always stuttered, how my palms were sweaty every time he grabbed my hand. He never failed to surprise me: all this 'skinship', never left me unnaffected. And then, Jonghyun was named the 'skinship addict'. 

No. 

When it came to Jonghyun it never felt real. We all knew that it was for our fans' sakes and, personally, I never thought too much about it. With Kibum, however, it was different. It always felt more intimate: his touches being more subtle, more like 'behind the scenes'. It looked more... real. His sudden backhugs, or his hands resting on my knees, his feet tangling with mine during interviews... It was the kind of skinship that was supposed to go unnoticed and that gave desperate fans what they desired. It gave me what I desired, even though I would never admit so out loud. 

And it felt a lot worse, when I remembered it was all pretend.

Kibum cleared his throat next to me and I was pulled out of my thoughts. I felt my cheeks get rosier and I prayed Kibum wouldn't notice. 

"Are you alright? You seem... flustered?" 

... Of course he would notice. 

"I'm fine. It's just that I'm tired from practicing." I said quickly. I desperately wanted to change the subject, so I said: "But, Kibum, were you waiting for me?" 

I was surprised at my own flirty and playful tone, and mentally slapped myself. So much for not getting ridiculised. Kibum, though, didn't seem to notice. He was staring at his feet, avoiding my eyes.

"I-I just fell asleep here. In fact, Jonghyun was worried and made me wait up for you."

I simply rolled my eyes, poking him and adding a "whatever". Then, an uncomfortable silence settled between us. Neither of us knew what to say, so I blurted out the first thing that popped in my head: "How are the others doing?"

His eyebrows shot up and he scoffed, probably relieved that he found something to tease me about. "You mean in those three hours you haven't seen them? Well, you know, Minho is getting married. How do you think they're doing?"

I just laughed, not bothering to think of a reply,  but Kibum was still staring at me in a weird manner. 

"What is it?" I asked nervously. He hesitated before replying.

"It has actually been three hours. What were you doing all this time?" 

I lowered my eyes, too embarrassed to look at him as I answered: "I just needed some more time to practice the choreography. You know, since I messed up great deal today." I bit my lip and looked at him, afraid of seeing the pitiful expression printed on his face. It wasn't exactly it, but it was a lot softer than what I had been accustomed to. It was equally painful.

"Why don't just ask Taemin teach you the choreography personally? It would be more useful than practicing on your own. I'm sure he'd find enough time for you." I was too disturbed by his words to notice that he had come closer and had rested his head on my shoulder. Somehow, I was hurt. Was it so obvious that I was lacking talent compared to the others? I was the oldest, yet I needed help from our maknae to manage and get the basics right. That constant dissatisfaction I was bringing both to others and myself, I didn't seem able to get rid of it.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, after realising the answer would never come.

"It's nothing. Forget it", I replied. Noticing the way his head was placed on my shoulder, I suddenly became tense.

"Are you worried about next week's performance?" he asked.

"A little bit", I admitted. "I just..." I trailed, not sure how to finish the sentense.

"You shouldn't be nervous, Jinki. You have one of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard. And with a little bit of practice, the dancing should be fine, too."

I ignored the delight inside me when he pronounced my name.  I ignored my erratic heartbeat at his compliment. I ignored the hopeful look he directed my way and simply said: "Thank you. I'll practice more." A smile played on my lips, a real one this time.

Kibum straightened and, not leaving my eyes, he asked: "What about practicing with me, instead of Taemin? I'm guessing you'd be embarrassed admitting that you need help, for a second time." 

Practicing with Key? It didn't sound that bad. I could actually learn something from him, right?

"That sounds good", I said. "Thanks, Kibum."

He fumbled with his words. "I'm not exactly doing this for you, you know. It's for all of us, if you know what I mean." He continued, saying something incoherent that I decided not to analyse.

"Yeah, whatever", I said, only because if I didn't say anything, Kibum would keep on speaking nonsense all night. 

His eyes had begun closing and looking at him, I felt protective towards him. I smiled and poked him lightly: "Kibum, why don't you go to sleep?"

He nodded sleepily and told me to do the same. 

"Sleep well", I told him.

"I will. Although I lost a few hours from my beauty sleep. Jinki, I swear, if my face is ruined tomorrow..." He never finished the sentense, and I wasn't too eager to find out the rest.

He moved down the corridor, but, just before he reached his room, he turned, looking at me once more. "Good night, Jinki", he said and disappeared into his room.

...

The following morning I was violently woken up by falling hard on the floor.

"Good morning!" Kibum exclaimed happily, standing over me.

I groaned and got up with great difficulty. I was so tired, all I wanted was to go back to bed.

"Why...?" I said, pissed off. "Why did you wake me up like this?" My voice was low and threatening. 

Kibum didn't even blink.

"Well, it was either that, or cold water in your face. I figured you'd prefer the first option." He said matter-of-factly. "Also, I thought you wouldn't want to miss breakfast." He pouted adorably, and if I wasn't still half asleep, I would have probably been mesmerised by his expression.

I groaned again and wordlessly got into the bathroom, leaving a satisfied Key behind.

...

At practice, Key was a lot sweeter than he had been the last few days. The stress had got its grasp on him as well, and he couldn't really help but yell and scold us whenever we made a mistake. That day, however, it was like his patience had returned and he smiled a lot more than we had been used to. 

I was pretty sure the others noticed, since Minho kept throwing me questioning looks as if saying 'What is wrong with him?', and Taemin seemed confused at this change of heart, whereas Jonghyun just silently enjoyed the rare moment. I didn’t know what to think. This was definitely something weird. However, I just followed Jonghyun’s way of thinking and decided thinking too much of it wasn’t worth it.

When our practice ended, Kibum tactfully explained to the rest of our members that he and I were going to stay for a little longer. He didn't exactly clarify the reason, but I guessed that they had figured it out anyway. After all, it wasn't a secret that I quite desperately needed to practice more, in order to learn the choreography. 

We only practiced for a few hours, since it was already late, and I felt considerably better by the time we finished. I still had a long way to go, but I was at least a bit more familiar and comfortable with the steps. I felt determined to improve.

"You do realise you're getting better at this, right?" he asked after my private practice had ended. He handed me a bottle of water and sat next to me gracefully, not seeming nearly as tired as I felt. It was quite funny, actually. I was sitting there, feeling like I was going to die, and next to me, Key's breathing was completely even. Except for his sweaty -and messy- bangs that almost covered his eyes, he didn't look the least bit affected.

Realising that he was still waiting for an answer to his question, I nodded. It was true. Although I was far from being perfect, I did feel slightly more confident when I was dancing. I could only hope that this confidence would stick around long enough for our next performance. The last thing I wanted was to mess everything up like I already had so many times before.

"Are you alright? We should head back", he said, looking worried.

I could only nod once again, since my breathing was still uneven. He immediately got up and pulled me to my feet. Together, we made our way towards the exit of the building, greeting trainees and fellow labelmates in our way. After what seemed like a century, we finally arrived to the van.

As soon as we sat inside, Kibum suggested to have something for dinner. "Fried chicken?" he asked, a smile playing on his lips.

I could literally feel my face lighting up and I momentarily forgot how exhausted I was.

He laughed, amused by my enthusiastic reaction. I joined in, because it had been so long since I had last spend so much time alone with Key without being nervous or awkward. And well, when he laughed, it somehow managed to light up my world. His laugh... beautiful, just like everything else about him. It felt like old times again, when we would often get together to eat. Either just the two of us, or with the rest of our members, sometimes even with our sunbaes.

Suddenly, I realised how much I'd missed this, how much I'd missed him.

Even though we practically spent all of our time together, I felt like I hadn't actually spoken to him in months. We were both too absorbed into our practices and promotions and infinite schedules to actually talk.

That night, in the dark of the van where we ate our dinner, I opened up to him. I talked about my insecurities and how nervous I got when I thought about going on stage again. He comforted me, offering me the words that I needed the most.

"Everything will be fine. I'm sure you'll be great."

And even though I doubted the accuracy of this statement, I couldn't help but feel better. Just for one moment. A moment that meant everything to me.

...

Later that night, walking out of the bathroom towards my room, I bumped into someone. We collided with a force that made us both stumble... and fall.

"S-sorry", Kibum said, a cute blush painting his features. Wait... since when did Kibum blush?

I was on top of him and our faces were so close... "Don’t go there", I thought. I cleared my throat and hastily got up, only after Kibum groaned under my weight. I'd been so distracted, my thoughts had been so irrational at that moment, that such simple things, like getting up, didn't even cross my mind.
I helped him up, grabbing his hand and pulling him up. Then, I lowered my eyes and apologised, quickly explaining that I hadn't been paying attention to where I was going.

"Don't worry about it. It was partly my fault too", he said casually, though he was still blushing.

I nodded. "No problem", I said. "Well... good night, then", I added when he replied nothing.

Just when I started to move past him, he grabbed me by the wrist, practically pulling me back.

... He wasn't that weak after all.

By then, my heartbeat had accelerated, a side effect caused by our extreme closeness. I swallowed and shot him a questioning look. Well, the best I could manage in my state of mind (which wasn't much, really).

He looked back at me, seeming just as confused as I felt. But then, a confidence took over him, making me wonder whether I had just imagined his uncertainity.

"Do you remember what our schedule is for tomorrow?", he eventually said, flashing me a smile.

"Uh..." My gaze was frozen, I wasn't able to look away from his hand, still lightly holding onto mine. Slowly, I processed what he'd said and finally answered him. "I think the only thing we've planned is our usual practice."

God, why did I always make a fool out of myself when he was around?

"Alright. Good night then", he said.

He let go of my hand then, casually walking away as if nothing had happened

... Not noticing the flustered me he had left behind.

Author's Note:

Okay, so that was the first chapter! 

First of all, I wanted to thank everyone who subscribed to this story, it made me really happy, seeing all of you :D

Also, I just wanted to let you know that this was a story I've been working on for quite a long time now -a few months actually- and if it weren't for my sister, I'd probably have abandoned it. However, her persistence (and me hating leaving things unfinished) convinced me to post the story and eventually complete it. The fic will probably have around 5 chapters, I don't think it will be any longer.

By the way, for any of you that are confused, the fic is set in the past, back when Onew made a lot of mistakes on stage, which means probably around... 2010? I don't really know, but you get my point, right? I mean, SHINee has improved quite a lot as a group since then and writing a 2014 story with this storyline wouldn't have made much sense.

Anyway, I really hope you enjoy the story and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it so far. Thank you again for reading!