Chapter 4

The host had to repeat his question, because I definitely wasn't paying attention to what was going on. Instead, my eyes were focused on the two people in front of me. Key was uncontrollably laughing, his head resting on Jonghyun's shoulder for support after all his violent shaking. Jonghyun was smiling kindly, however I could see his hand embracing Key's shoulder protectively.

I averted my gaze, only because I needed to listen to his question. I smiled at him apologetically, but he didn't seem to mind anyway.

"So, Onew-sshi, which is the member with which you feel the most comfortable with?"

Kibum. 

It was the first thing that came into my mind, but I suppressed the thought and pretended to think it over. After all, the past few weeks, the situation with Key had been all but comfortable. We were meeting only under unavoidable circumstances, with me trying to stay away from him in the dorm, thus, spending all my free time in my room.

Key's giggles had stopped and to me, it seemed like everyone in the room was anticipating my answer. I was getting either paranoid or plain delusional.

"Well, there's a very comfortable atmosphere in the dorm in general, so I guess we're all comfortable with each other", I lied. Things were a bit more complicated than that. "But if I absolutely had to choose a member...", I paused, imagining the stressed out fans that were waiting to hear my answer. "I don't think I could choose anyone in particular."

Everyone in the room laughed and I followed, even though I wasn't completely honest while answering. 

"With every one of the members it's different. As a leader, I'm the one they always run to when they need advice from someone more experienced, so I've developped a special relationship with all of my members." At least now I wasn't exactly lying.

People around me gasped and murmured about 'how sweet that was'. I smiled again: a wide grin this time, satisfied with my answer.

The host continued: "That's the ideal relationship within a group; everyone must be so jealous." He looked at the group of people around him and most of them nodded agreeingly. 

"But what about the rest of the members? How do you feel about this, Key-sshi?"

I swallowed, anxiously waiting for Key's reply. He seemed a bit taken aback and he hesitantly looked at Jonghyun, who smiled reassuringly. He replied with a confident smirk playing on his lips, reminding me more of the Key the public knew: "I agree with Onew hyung, of course. But my situation is a bit different. I feel more comfortable around Jonghyun, because we're so close..."

It felt like I was stabbed on the chest. Not that I had been expecting anything... No, that would have been pointless. But Key wasn't done, and the worse was yet to come: "For me, Jonghyun-hyung is not only the one that can comfort me the best when I'm having a hard time, he's also the one I can have the most fun with. That's why I believe I'm a bit more comfortable with him, instead of the rest of the group."

The host gasped dramatically, turning his attention back to me: "Onew-sshi, do you feel betrayed by your dongsaeng after he admitted this scandalous revelation?"

I retained a scowl and waved the thought away with my hand, smiling. "Actually, I expected this answer from Key. You can see how comfortable he is with Jjong at the dorm." The words were released with great difficulty, and a pointed look at the two people in front of me.

The host nodded comprehensively and looked at Jonghyun and Key, who were now laughing. I guess he was accustomed to this kind of fanservice. Only this time, is it really fanservice?

...

Time flew by, with nothing interesting happening. That was, until...

"Onew-sshi, it was revealed a few weeks earlier that you've been unexpectantly close to Lee Joon, from the boy group MBLAQ. You two were discovered spending some time together in a coffee shop shortly after his debut, isn't that right?" the host asked me.

I looked at Joon, who was sitting a few seats on my right and I responded somewhat hesitantly: "Well, yes, we've been spending some time together, when our schedules weren't too heavy."

That caused a bit of a reaction, exaggerated as always. People looked incredulous, as though they'd never noticed how Joon and I had been friends for a while now. After all, it wasn't a secret that we were hanging out. Gazing around the room, my eyes fell on Key. Our eyes locked, just for a second, but it was enough for me to feel the frustration in his glare. He immediately turned away, completely ignoring my presence. What was that deadly look for?

"So... Lee Joon-sshi, how long have you two been friends?" the host continued.

"Well, it actually goes back to last year, I think?" 

I nodded, confirming the information. We had talked once at an event shortly after his debut, I couldn't even remember where that was. Ever since, we'd been meeting quite often. I felt that Joon could understand my feelings and would never judge me for my insecurities. He was a good listener, though he was quite troubled himself. We had talked about our problems countless times. He talked to me about missing modern dance, I told him all about my lack of confidence in particular departments. He would advice me and I would help him with whatever was bothering him. Even though he was only a year and a half older that me, it was really nice, being able to depend on someone, trust someone. I could tell him everything. 

(Well, maybe except for one thing...)

"We've been hanging out ever since", Joon continued. "Although we don't have that much time, you know, with our hectic schedules."

"And... what do you guys talk about when you're together?" the host inquired further. 

The question was directed to the both of us, so I took the initiative to answer first. Though I didn't miss Joon's glance. After all, our conversations were private and we didn't want them to become public. "We talk about anything, actually. We talk about our lives at the dorm, our more personal lives... Anything, really."

"Yeah, we trust each other, so we don't limit down the subjects of our canverstions", Joon added, smiling. 

"Well, it's really nice that two people that aren't from the same group, or the same company, can be so close." I felt a 'but' coming and my palms started getting sweaty from the nervousness. That was the problem with variety shows. You never knew was they would dig out and ask you about. Apart from the scripted stuff, MCs often took the initiative to ask other questions. That's what stressed me out. I wasn't particularly good at putting my thoughts into words, although until now it hadn't led to anything catastrophic. 

At least not in public.

"Onew-sshi, between us, just how close are you with Lee Joon-sshi?"

What was he implying? I fought a startled expression and glanced at Key, who had turned to face me, his eyes expectant, a frown formed on his perfect lips.

The host continued, probably paraphrasing my silence as in not understanding the question: "For example, if something was troubling you, would you first go to Lee Joon-sshi, or one of you fellow members?"

I looked at him blankly. My brain was frozen, my thoughts incoherent and tangled. Just what had I assumed he had asked at first? Had I really even considered that he might be implying... God, I was really getting paranoid. I had already been through the whole 'questioning your preferences' period, and it wasn't the most pleasant one. But, now, with that almost-kiss, this irrational fear, of my... crush discovered had completely taken over me. As though Kibum finding out wasn't bad enough.

I was truly becoming crazy. I had Kibum to thank for that. I just hoped that the host would would drop the subject tactfully, realizing my discomfort.

No such luck.

"Take Key as an example", he offered when his eyes fell on him.

Oh great; just great.

I glanced in front of me again. Key was still staring -glaring- at me, carefully studying my face, trying to guess what my answer would be. What did it matter to him anyway? For a second, I was actually tricked into believing that he cared whether I picked him or Joon. I gave up on that thought, before it was even completely formed into my head. 

That would be absolutely ridiculous.

I redirected my thoughts back on the question. Truthfully, a few weeks ago, I would have probably chosen Key -a member, I reminded myself-, but at this point, I wasn't so sure anymore. I couldn't even talk to Kibum, let alone confide in him. Every time I was near him, I stuttered, thinking about what had happened: our lips so close I could feel his sharp and uneven breathing, my body nearly pressing against his, my hands wrapped around his neck...

Thinking about it now, I figured that I couldn't choose Kibum, not after what I had done. I really had ruined our relationship, to the point where I didn't know if it was reversable.

I fumbled with my words, afraid that someone might misunderstand what I'd say. "Actually... lately I've been really close with Joon and I feel he would comprehend every problem I could ever have."

I looked around the room, checking for reactions, but everyone was smiling. I momentarily wondered whether they were even paying attention to what I was saying.

"Not that I wouldn't talk to my members", I added, careful not to mention Key's name. "I just, uh, would run to Joon first."

I glanced at Joon, who was smiling, satisfied and proud of my answer. Looking at him, I wondered what Key's reaction was. Not able to stop myself, I checked.

His eyes were narrowed as he looked from me to Joon incredulously. When our eyes met, I didn't look away. Instead, I searched for his emotions. He was hurt, I realised, and he felt betrayed. Was I just hallucinating? He stared, looking for the truth in my eyes. It scared me, the thought that he could actually see how I felt and what I thought.

I averted my eyes to save my inner thoughts from Kibum's prying gaze. I could still feel it, piercing through me, but I simply ignored it, choosing to focus on the host, a stable figure in all this chaos. He had moved on, analysing something else, probably stressing someone else out.

...

At noon, it was decided that we would have a break, a chance to rest a bit so that we could finish filming later. Barely had I exited the main room where the variety was filmed, that I felt someone's hand on my shoulder.

It was Joon. 

We sat together at lunch and some others joined us: Taemin with Minho and Seungho with G.O. It was really fun, sitting althogether. It didn't happen so often, for us to interact with idols from other companies. Only for a few short moments backstage, or while filming fpr variety shows. 

I joked around with Joon, and, honestly, I felt relieved. It had been such a long time since I'd last felt so carefree. All my worries were gone. I wasn't thinking about what had happened moments ago, or at the concert... Hell, I wasn't even thinking about Key.

As though hearing my thoughts, Jonghyun and Key appeared. I didn't know what to expect from Key, but I figured he was still mad for whatever reason he had gotten angry in the first place.

"Hi!" Kibum exclaimed, his enthusiasm looking somewhat forced.

My members quickly motioned for them to sit with us, as the others greeted our new company. It was really cramped, so we practically ended up the one in top of the other. Joon was on my right side, his knees pressing against mine, but I was lucky enough to sit on the edge of the couch my hand comfortably resting on its arm. 

I completely ignored Kibum's presence, though I could feel him burning holes in me, as though trying to compell me to look back at him. Once, he caught me gazing at him, but I quickly averted my eyes, not really wanting to elaborate on his furious glare. I didn't have the courage to do that anymore. 

So, instead of freaking out about how close Jonghyun and Key were at the opposite side of the table, I focused on the others. They were a pretty good distraction, since they sure as hell knew how to keep a conversation interesting. I instantly liked both Seungho and G.O. And not just because they both kept tormenting Joon, teasing him constantly; they were actually really fun to hang out with. I noted to myself that we should meet more often. After all, it would be really sweet, I thought to myself wryly, thinking about people's earlier comments.

...

Filming resumed shortly after lunch, people tiredly entering the set, everyone obviously a lot more drained than they were at beginning of the day. 

As I began to take my previous seat, a member of the staff informed Joon and I that our positions were going to be changed for the second part of the show.

"Oh, alright. Where should we sit then?" Joon asked, smiling.

The woman motioned towards out assigned seats. And, as we walked over, I could have pretty much fainted on the spot. 

There was no way I was going to sit next to Key.

Joon, oblivious to my mental breakdown, gently pushed me towards my chair, before taking his place on my left and asking me quietly if everything was okay.

No. No it was not okay. It was far from okay.

Of course, I couldn't really tell him that, since he would question why and I couldn't exactly explain to him that I had a crush on a certain bandmate that happened to be sitting right next to me. 

Shifting on my seat, I finally let out a breathy "I'm okay" which didn't really seem to convince him.

I finally relaxed after some time, because what could go wrong anyway? As I tried to pay attention to everything that was happening, my presence there seemed to be forgotten and no one mentioned me for some time. I laughed when I found it appropriate, I smiled most of the time, I nodded when everyone else did and, basically, I spent my time doing absolutely nothing.

Suddenly, I felt someone's hand resting on my thigh. My head snapped towards Key, who was loudly laughing, his hand looking for support on my leg. I stared at him incredulously and I'd have really liked to ask him what the he was doing, because this was so sudden I didn't know what to think. However, he didn't spare me a look and, instead, stayed focused at the host and the other guests.

I took a deep breath, once again trying to calm myself down. It's nothing that hasn't happened before, I reminded myself. Things like that happened so often we didn't even find it weird anymore. We were so accustomed to the fanservice we had to do in order to please the fans our actions came somewhat subconsciously. 

That's right; Key probably hasn't even noticed what happened, I tell myself. He'll take his hand away once he sees me. Now, if only I could catch his attention. 

I sighed, completely frustrated at the whole situation. Then, I decided that since Kibum didn't look like he was going to move his hand anytime soon, I would have to take my own measures. So, I slowly moved my leg and, by crossing it with the other, Kibum's hand fell limp on his side. 

He abruptly turned his head to face me, and his gaze went from me to his own hand and then back to me. For a second, I thought that he was looking actually apologetic or something, but when he shifted his attention to the others, it was hard to believe that I hadn't just imagined his remorseful eyes.

“Oh, indeed Key is really good at girl group dances,” Jonghyun says, and it took me a moment to focus back on the conversation on hand. 

“People have praised your performances a lot of times. How do you feel about it?” the host asked.

Key hesitated. I could see it clearly from where I was sitting. He his lips and took a deep breath. Then smiled.

“Of course, I feel honored,” another fake smile, “it's something I sincerely enjoy doing and I'm happy that people acknowledge my hard work.”
It had always been a sensitive topic for Kibum.

“Hyung... I don't want to do this,” Kibum says, sitting on the floor in front of the couch where I was lying down.

“What do you mean?” I ask, leaving the book I was previously reading on the coffee table next to me.

He sighs. “I mean that I don't want to do the performance tomorrow. Isn't there a way for me to avoid it?”

“Kibum-ah... Didn't you say that you enjoyed this type of performances?” I say, because I really don't understand. 

"You don't understand; it has nothing to do with me enjoying it or not."

He is right; I don't understand.

"Nobody takes me seriously anymore. Nobody takes my effort seriously. They think I'm all about the sassy covers of girl groups, but you know better than anyone, that's not right," he continues and, finally, I can understand him.

I don't know what to say. What will make him feel better? 

There's nothing. Nothing I can do.

So I say nothing at all.

He seemed mortified. After all, out of all the subjects we could have been discussing, they chose that one. The one thing that could make him feel upset.

"You're really worthy of all the good words, Key-sshi," another guest said. "Your talent is really outstanding; so much that we can see it in everything you do."

I wasn't sure if that was meant as a compliment or not; the way it was said sounded weird in my ears.

"The way you walk and even the way you dance in SHINee, it all shows us how talented you are in this."

Key gives her a small smile and a faint 'thank you', which doesn't really seem convincing.

He was offended, and I didn’t need to be a genius to figure out why. It was exactly like he had told me in the past. He thought people only saw that in him anymore. He was angry, because he wanted his true dancing skills to be recognized, and not only the fun, simple dances he did just for the sake of our fans.

To some point, I could undestand him (actually, maybe I would have even reacted the same way), but it saddened me to see that he didn’t really value his talents. As , idol and friend, I sincerely wished he would think more about himself.

However, I’d probably never get to convince him. After all, it was no secret that Kibum was stubborn; my words or actions would never be able to change his opinion.

...

A few hours after, the show was wrapped up and we had finished filming.

After I had thanked the staff, talked a bit with the host and some other guests and bid goodbye to Joon, I was all set to go home.

In fact, I was exhausted. Only at the thought of the warm bed waiting for me at the dorm made me want to hurry there as soon as possible.

I gathered my members in front of the van, but...

"Where is Kibum-hyung?" Minho asked tiredly.

I looked around and, indeed, Key was nowhere to be seen.

"Guys, you go ahead; I'll find him and we'll go home, okay?" I said, motioning for them to go inside the van.

No one complained, much to my surprise. They were probably too tired to care.

It was always like that at the end of each day. We would all scramble into the van, often sleep all the way home, and then immediately go to bed after showering. It had become our routine for the days when we had schedules until nighttime. Doing all these things, in that particular order, wasn’t all that pleasant, but we managed to put up with it.

I could see Taemin taking his usual place next to the window, resting his head through its surface, already half-asleep. Jonghyun and Minho tried to make a conversation so that they wouldn’t follow our maknae into dreamland, but from the way both of them were having difficulties with keeping their eyes open, I doubted they would last long.

I closed the door as soundlessly as I could and explained to our manager that I was going to find Kibum and then we could leave. He only nodded and got sitted on the driver’s seat, answering that he was going to wait for us here.

Now the only thing that was left was actually finding him.

Where on earth is he?

I moved around the set for a while, bowing to the remaining people probably working overtime, quickly asking them if they'd seen Kibum. Someone said they'd seen him walk towards the bathroom, so I hastily followed their instructions and found myself outside the bathroom door.

I knocked and waited for the familiar voice to respond. Instead, I was greeted with silence.

“Kibum? Are you in there?” I asked, half-whispering. (It was pretty stupid, I realize now, because he probably couldn’t hear me.)

When I got no reply once again, I asked myself if I should open the door on my own. There was probably no one anyway. Maybe Kibum was already in the van, now waiting for me to return.

Yet, something told me that leaving would be a mistake, so, I opened the door.

He was there, in the end.

The water was running and he was looking in the mirror, not even bothering to turn and face me.

“Hey, are you okay?” I asked, taking a step closer. 

Maybe it hadn’t been a great thing to do, since he clearly wanted to be left alone, but at that moment, I didn’t really think before acting.

“Go away, Jinki,” he said with a sigh escaping his lips.

He was shutting me out. He seemed to be doing that a lot these days.

“Just… tell me what’s wrong.” I had an idea about what was troubling him, but I needed him to talk to me. It seems weird now, but I really wanted for him to trust me, just like he used to.

“It won’t change anything; talking to you.” He turned his head, allowing me to see his face; a firm expression carved on it, yet, not able to completely cover his puffy eyes.

“Were you crying?” I ask softly, placing my hand on his shoulder. It was by no means any sort of intimate touch, yet, I was reminded of that night, a few weeks ago, when we had almost kissed. 

And, he probably did too, because he quickly took a step back, leaving my hand to fall to my side once again. I was filled with disappointment. What had been a simple gesture meant to show my support to a friend, wasn’t even welcomed from him.

How many times -and in how many ways- would I have to face his rejection?

“Go away, Jinki,” he says, his hands balled into fists. “I really need to stay alone right now.”

Was I really that repulsive?

Thinking back, for months the relationship between us had been more than weird. It was my fault, yet, was it selfish of me to wish for my best friend to return?

My best friend whom I could trust with almost everything… Merely because of a stupid infatuation, I was losing what we had. I had ruined our friendship, in hopes of getting something more.

I could no longer stand this. I took a step back as well, and, maybe for the first time, turned my expression into one of indifference in front of him.

If he wanted me gone, and stop bothering him, the least I could do was grant his wish, right? I just hoped I could have thought of another way.

“No, I cannot leave you here alone right now.” 

Was it my words that startled him, or was it the lack of warmth in my voice?

“I know it’s hard for you. I know that the last thing you want to do right now is go outside and face people; but you don’t have the luxury of a choice.”

I haven’t had a choice for nearly two years now, is what I didn’t tell him. Do you think you’re the only one that’s been having a rough time? 

My own thoughts reminded me of what he had said the other day; actually our words were pretty much identical.

“Isn’t it a bit selfish for you to stay here, while your members are so tired and the only thing they want to do is go home? Running away from your problems won’t fix anything.”

His expression was one of utter shock, with a hint of hurt in it; and how I wished I could take everything back.

“We’ll be waiting in the van. Don’t take too long.”

With that, I left him alone, shattering the remainings of our friendship into pieces. 

Author's Note:

So, guess who finally decided to update?

So, I'm not sure what exactly I should say about this... I had promised in the previous' chapter A/N that I would try and update sooner, yet, here I am now, more than a month later, having broken that promise.

I'm not really going to analyse this; after all, I don't even have a legit excuse, but, once again, I apologize. 

Anyway! Let's put this behind us...

Here was the 4th chapter of the story! Did you like it? Did you hate it? Feel free to share your thoughts on it, or message me if you need anything. I really love reading your comments, they make my day so much brighter :D

I don't know if you remember, but I had said in the past that there would be no more than five chapters. And, indeed, the next chapter will be the last. I don't exactly know how the story will end, but I'll start working on it immediately.

So, see you on the next update and thank you for reading! (And welcome to all the new subscribers :))