Chapter 3

"Jinki!"

I flinched and my eyes flew open just when Kibum barged into the room. I plugged off my earphones and sat up from where I was lying on my bed.

"What the hell, Jinki? I've been screaming for a while now", he said.

"Sorry. I couldn't hear you", I replied. "I was just listening to music", I lied. The truth was that, I had spent most of my evening just watching the ceiling, not really paying attention to the music.

It didn't make much sense, spending a rare free day doing nothing, but I wasn't really in the mood to do anything.

"That's alright", he assured me, probably sensing that something was off with me.

I waited for him to add something, to reveal the reason he was here. But he said nothing, he just stared. My eyebrows raised, encouraging him to say whatever it was that he wanted.

Suddenly, he smiled. His smile brightened his eyes, which sparkled with excitement. Those eyes I had stared at so many times before...

"Jinki?" he said, his voice sweet, coaxing me. I waited for the demand, used to Kibum's way of convincing people. "Will you watch a movie with me? You know I can't stand watching TV on my own."

I almost told him to go ask someone else, but then I remembered... Everybody was out. I sighed.

"I'll order chicken?" he tried again, his sentence finishing off like a question.

I got out of the room wordlessly, walking past Kibum and out of the door. Kibum ran after me, practically bouncing. "Does that mean you'll join me?"

He didn't wait for an answer. Instead, he ran to the phone and, as promised, he ordered chicken. I doubted he had expected me to decline his offer for even a second.

...

"This is so boring", Kibum said with a sigh.

I was sitting on the couch, my elbow on its side. Kibum's head was resting on my knees and I fought the urge to play with his hair. His head was turned at the TV and I had a view of his beautiful profile.

"I should have chosen the movie, after all", I said, my voice hoarse, finally taking my eyes off him, turning my attention to the TV.

"Yah! How could I have known that the movie would be this bad? The plot seemed interesting", he whined.

"Whatever."

We hadn't even watched half of the movie yet. It was so boring that I would have fallen asleep if it weren't for Kibum, his presence so close distracting me. And the chicken, of course. It had been an excellent distraction too, not only from the movie, but also from Kibum himself.

He abruptly got up and moved to the TV. He turned off the DVD player with a move that showed his annoyance. I looked at him questioningly, surprised at his outburst.

"Well, that was fun", he said sarcastically. "Do you want something for dessert?" he added.

"Sure." We moved to the kitchen. We had some leftovers from the previous night: ice cream.

"Didn't we finish that off yesterday?" I wondered out loud. Kibum answered with a devilish grin on his face: "Did you ever think I'd let you eat everything?" 

He rolled his eyes and I raised my eyebrows at him as a response to his words.

"Well, what? It's one of the perks of being the only one actually using the kitchen", he said defensively.

...

Half an hour later, I found myself putting our dirty dishes into the dishwasher. It was almost 11 o 'clock, Taemin and Minho would soon return. Taemin had gone to visit his family and Minho had offered to accompany him. Jonghyun, on the other hand, was busy with his schedule. He was working until really late these days, because of the OST he was taking part into. I didn't know how he could find enough time to practice for our comeback and at the same time work on his solo carreer. Honestly, I was quite worried about it. The last thing he needed was to collapse from exhaustion. However, Jonghyun had proven that he could bear with hard work. Since becoming a well-known and successful artist was his dream, he would do anything to achieve it.

It was the same for all of us. Never had we imagined that we would gain so many fans in such a short time. I still remembered the day I'd been first introduced to the rest of the members. Of course I had interacted with them before, but only as a fellow trainee. I had realised then that for the rest of my life I'd be bonded with them, these four almost unknown people, a bond stronger than friendship. We would become a family.

I'd doubted us, at first. I didn't believe that we could actually communicate. With Minho and Key fighting all the time, Taemin growing more and more introverted and distant as the days went by, I couldn't imagine a group consisting of the five of us.

I still thought about the countless times I'd spent talking with Minho, my closest friend at the time, both of us admitting our insecurities and weaknesses to one another, revealing things we couldn't tell anyone else. Despite his calm, distant, even arrogant attitude, he was a mature person, who I could easily open up to. And he was insecure too. 

Just as insecure as me. Just as insecure as everybody else.

Eventually, I was proved wrong. All of us were, because we'd all never actually believed in the group. Slowly, as Minho and Key's argument was getting resolved, we started spending more time together. I personally helped Taemin to improve his vocals, our training sessions on the rooftop a sweet memory in my head. I was proud to say that after that Taemin had opened up to us, getting more cheerful and comfortable around us.

It was startling, actually, how much we had changed since our trainee days. Minho had gained the confidence he longed for.  Jonghyun was recognised for his singing skills, his dream coming true. Taemin's vocals were improving at a fast pace and he was now recognised as a really good, promising young dancer. And Key... he seemed satisfied (who wouldn't be after all the praises he had got for his looks and his dancing skills?), but I couldn't help but sense that something was bothering him.

Although he hadn't admitted anything to me, sometimes, after looking at him for too long, I couldn't stop myself from noticing a bitter feeling surrounding him. I had wondered about it for a long time. Many theories had crossed my mind, though the one I found the most rational was something that I probably would never admit to Key himself. Maybe, I had thought, he is dissatisfied becuase he doesn't have a stable position. He rapped, but wasn't the main rapper. He danced, but he wasn't the main dancer. He sang, but he wasn't the main vocalist.

I waved the thought away, the subject making me uncomfortable. I turned my thoughts back to their original place. 

Never had we imagined how close we'd feel as a group, only two years later. Then, it had all seemed like a distant, impossible almost, dream. I still couldn't believe how all that we had ever longed for was now withing our reach.

Well... 

All but one.

Just like I'd never imagined that we could become a family with those four people, I hadn't expected to fall for one of them either.

...

Speaking of which...

Finishing with the dishes, I went to the living room, where Kibum was resting on the couch. He had lied down, completely still, his hand covering his eyes. There was a small sense of déjà vu, as I approached him slowly, not wanting to startle him in case he was asleep.

"Kibum?" I whispered softly, gently touching his shoulder. He removed his hand and his eyes darted to face me. He sat up smiling, a smile that did not quite reach his eyes. All of their previous vividness had gone away and they had been left dull, tired. 

What is  wrong with him?

I sat next to him, signaling that I was there for him, that he could talk to me if he wanted to, if he needed to. I didn't urge him to confide in me, I knew that even though I wanted nothing more than to stay by his side, if he didn't consider me trustworthy enough, he'd never even think of acknowledging my presence. 
However, a few seconds later, he opened his mouth as if to say something, only to close it again. He looked away and lowered his gaze. 

That was it, then. He couldn't trust me. My lips got pressed into a thin line and I almost yelped in surprise when I felt Kibum lean towards me, his head pressing against my shoulder. A smile found its way to my lips and I uncomfortably his hair, silky and soft through my fingers.

"Hyung..." There it was again, this sudden formality, catching me off guard again. How did he always manage to surprise me? Even with things he'd done before, even with things that shouldn't really upset me.

"What is it?" I asked in a low, soothing voice. "Did something happen?" I inquired further. Now that he had actually taken the initiative, starting to tell me what bothered him, the questions that I had been meaning to ask him demanded to be voiced out.

"I-I was just wandering around on the Net..." Realizing what this was about, I almost groaned, but knowing that it would only piss Kibum off, I remained silent. "I stumbled upon a few... comments." His voice trembled. I thought about how cheerful and excited he had been just half an hour before. 

Watching him at that precise moment, his voice almost breaking as he continued with the story, I felt an inexplicable rage building up in me. 

I was already familiar with such situations. I'd found myself in the exact same position comforting Kibum numerous times before.

Listening to him, desperately trying to stay indifferent this time, I clenched my fists. My blood was boiling and, for once, I put aside my own weaknesses, getting immersed into the ones of the person next to me.

My hand was set on his shoulder and I brought him closer to me.

"Yah, Kibum! Don't pay attention to such things", I said firmly, surprising both of us with the anger in my voice.

Why was I so angry? Wasn't I the same? Didn't people's opinions affect me just as much as they affected Kibum? I had no right to be mad at him. And... I wasn't. No, I wasn't really mad at him and I hoped he hadn't misunderstood me. I was mad at the people that had made him this way, made his lower lip tremble, put me in this position.

"Don't worry. It's no big deal", he told me in what I supposed was a reassuring tone. All I could focus on was this distant look on his face, making it seem like he was not here. Not with me.

I knew that it mattered to him more that he'd ever admit to. Every time one would comment  something negative about him, I could see him breaking, bit by bit. 

"His style is so weird", "His dancing is nothing compared to Taemin oppa's", "I really don't like his voice."

These little things, spoken by so insignificant people, were the ones slowly shattering him into pieces.

And here I was, instead of trying to put them all back together, making him more upset than he already was.

I don't know what came into me. The next thing I knew, I grabbed his arm and hugged him tightly. His body was limp against mine, as if he didn't have enough strength to hug me back.

I was very aware of our close proximity, his steady heartbeat against my chest, his face half-buried in the crook of my neck. I held him tighter, if that was even possible.

"Kibum..." My voice was not louder than a whisper and he clearly shivered when my breath tickled the back of his neck. 

Just as suddenly, I released him. I figured I was acting really weird and the last thing I needed was Key finding our about my minor crush on him.

"Listen, I understand how you feel. I've felt the same way before and I'll probably feel the same way again in the future."

Ignoring my flaming cheeks I continued: "You feel worthless. As though all your hard-work leads to nothing. You feel like you're always going to fall behind. Like one day you won't be able to get up."

My eyes were locked into his and I faintly noticed how moistly they were.

"That's not true, Kibum. If only you knew... If only you knew how great you look on stage. How your strong personality compliments your presence when performing. How..."

I stopped myself.

How perfect you are.

I looked at him, wondering whether he had noticed the hesitation I felt.

He hadn't.

"Do you really believe that Jinki?" A deep breath. "I'm not like that. I don't know what image you've created in your mind about me, but I'm far from what you just described."

"I-"

"Nobody sees me for who I am. Not you, not the rest of the members. You really can't understand anything. Just like everyone else."

He was becoming frantic. His voice edgy.

"You're too engrossed in your own problems to see anything, Jinki. You-" His voice broke and a sob escaped his throat. Tears were now staining his face and he quickly averted his eyes. 

As he turned to leave the room, I grabbed his upper arm and pulled him back.

"Please don't say that," I begged. "How do you expect me to understand when you don't even talk to me about this? I've told you everything and..."

Once again, I was at a loss for words. Kibum was not even looking at me now. This was pointless. He didn't really want my presence there.

Without another word, I passed around him and left.

...

The next few days passed painfully slowly. An unbreakable routine settled on. Everyday, we would wake up early, head off to practice after breakfast, getting small breaks during the evening and return to the dorm at night.

I could tell that everyone was getting worn out, and the situation in the dorm didn't help either. Key and I completely ignored each other which the rest of the members noticed immediately. They wouldn't stop asking about what had happened, until Key eventually snapped.

That night, we were inside our van, returning home. I was mindlessly looking outside the window, the city lights blurring my vision, making me lose focus. I kept thinking about how I had messed everything up.

That frail relationship I had built between myself and Key was now crumbling down. Why did I even act like that?

The stubborn part of myself, which I didn't really want to acknowledge, kept reminding me of Key's words and pointing out that it was his fault and that it wasn't my place to apologize. On the other hand, I kinda missed him. 

Admittedly, even before that argument (could it even be called that?), we didn't spend that much time together. We didn't have any time, after all. 

But just the thought, that I couldn't turn to him if I needed him, that he would keep an indifferent mask when talking to me (if he ever talked to me), that he wouldn't run to me if he was in trouble, was just impossible to bear.

Maybe it really hadn't been my place to claim that I actually knew how he was feeling. Maybe he felt offended when I was talking to him. Maybe I had been the one wrong. Maybe-

Suddenly, Minho, who was sitting next to me, nudged my arm, pointing to the two people animatedly talking in the front seats and sparing me from continuing thinking so hard.

"Hyung... they're fighting."

I rolled my eyes, because I could obviously see that. Key had never been the quiet type, especially not when he was yelling, which was the case, and Jonghyun's arm movements were quite noticeable to say the least.

"For the love of God, Jjong, will you ever stop bothering me?"

"Why won't you tell me what happened? You're hurting your best friend's feelings right now!" Jonghyun replied in a hushed voice, heard by all of us nonetheless.

Key responded by leaning in to whisper something into his ear, leaving him speechless.

For the rest of the ride, Jjong didn't utter a word; his slightly green-ish face evidence to whatever threat had been thrown his way.

...

"Hyung..." Taemin started hesitantly.

He was awkwardly standing on the doorway, his hand on the doorknob, not sure whether he should close the door and enter the room or not.

"Come in! What's wrong?" It was so unusual of him, being this reluctant to approach me. Most of the time, the enthusiastic maknae was bouncing from excitement or anticipation, and, even when he was not in a good mood, he always managed to seem more energetic.

He finally closed the bedroom door and sat on my bed.

"What happened?" I asked, really concerned now.

"Hyung... Things have been weird between Kibum-hyung and you lately... How did that happen? Merely a week ago you were always together, with extra practices, hanging out all the time, so what happened now?" His voice was whiny and just then did I realize the impact the situation had on my members. I had been stupid to believe that they would be unaffected when so many things had changed in such a short amount of time.

Guilt washed over me and I was quick to reassure him. "Don't worry, Taemin-ah. I'll fix this as soon as I can."

He smiled brightly and enthusiastically got up. "Thank you, hyung! I hope you two make up."

With that, he left the room. 

Now, the only question was: how could I face Kibum again?

...

It turned out, I wouldn't have the chance to avoid Kibum any longer anyway. 

The very same night, I found myself at his own bedroom door. The others were conveniently all watching TV, and I just knew Taemin had arranged this so that we'd have some time on our own.

I knocked softly, heartbeat fast and palms sweaty. 

In my state, I couldn't even utter a word, let alone talk to him.

Someone grunted from inside and I took it as the cue to enter the room. I knew that he was probably going to be pissed that I didn't wait for his permission, but waiting outside his door was nerve-wracking.

I quickly closed the door behind me and turned to face him.

He was already in his pajamas, sitting on his bed as though he was getting ready to go to sleep. He looked beyond gorgeous surprised.

"Should I leave?" I asked out loud, even though the question wasn't directed at him, and, what can I say? Well done Jinki, you've been thinking about what you'd say to him an hour now and you just spit random stuff when the time comes.

"Uh... not necessary." I stared at him, confused. "I mean, you must have come here for a reason", he quickly explained.

He still hadn't got over the shock of me visiting him, I concluded, because he would never act that weird normally.

"So... uh... I..." My planned out words long forgotten, I stuttered and must've seemed completely idiotic. As soon as I'd seen him looking at me with this irresistible, expectant expression, my mind was painted blank, my thoughts chaotic and messy.

"Jinki, I..." he started, looking at his feet. "I'm sorry I snapped at you", he said quietly.

Honestly, I was stunned. Seldom did Kibum apologize, and this time it even seemed sincere.

Was it just what I wanted to believe? Maybe.

Did you really mean that, Kibum?

"Will you please overlook my outburst that night?" he asked, almost pleadingly (if Kibum could actually plead for something, then that would be the expression). He lifted his eyes.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it." My voice sounded distant to my ears. They had started buzzing as soon as I had taken a step closer to him. I wasn't really sure what the hell I was doing. I lightly touched his upper arm, but stopped myself before saying something that I would regret later. His eyes were addictive and before I knew it, I was returning the gaze. I subconsciously leaned a bit closer to him and, much to my surpise, he didn't try to get away from me. 

We were now so close that I could easily touch him if I wanted to. It wasn't that hard to imagine my hand brushing through those cheeks, my fingers tracing his beautiful features and me finally closing the -small- distance between us. I wanted this so badly. My visit's initial intentions were pushed to the back of my mind.

My breath got caught in my throat as I waited for any kind of reaction, but Kibum only stood absolutely still. He wasn't looking at me, finding an unexpectedly interesting spot on the floor to focus on. 

Just when I realised what I was doing and started preparing an -implausible?- excuse about my behaviour, ready to take a step back, Kibum drew a shaky breath and lifted his eyes. They searched mine for an explanation. And, although they were questioning, the amount of trust I saw in them, made my heartbeat dangerously accelerate.

My self control vanished. I lightly grabbed his arm, bringing him closer to me. I leaned in, not completely realising what I was actually doing. All I knew is that it was suddenly really hard to breathe and I was coming desperately close to Kibum, who was still frozen in place.

When our lips were almost touching, Kibum pushed me away. It wasn't the kind of light push you could claim wasn't done deliberately. God, it felt almost as though he shoved me away. I stumbled a few steps back, surprised, but managed not to fall down. Before I could meet Kibum's eyes, I walked away, feeling my cheeks hotter than ever, blinking away some tears that were threatening to escape.

Author's Note:

Hello!

So, first of all, I wanted to apologize to all of my faithful readers who've been waiting for this chapter for exactly a month now. Originally, I had planned writing and posting this a lot sooner. However, somehow I couldn't put my thoughts into words... You could call it a writer's block, I guess. I also have my exams going on now, which means I really have to study and don't have that much free time.

In general, the circumstances under which this chapter was written were not exactly favourable, but I really did my best. Even though I'm not fully satisfied with the chapter, I decided that I couldn't postpone it any longer... so here it is! (By the way, I really hope you enjoyed it!)

I'd especially appreciate any kind of feedback on this, since I'm not really sure about how it turned out, so feel free to share your thoughts with me. Also, thanks to all the subscribers (you were my motivation on this, trust me), the ones who commented and those who upvoted.

I hope chapter 4 will be better and posted sooner and I'll try my hardest to not to let you down this time. 

Once again, thank you for reading!