Chapter 2

I looked at the person in front of me. His face was covered with make-up, the contour of his eyes black from the eyeliner, his complexion almost completely white, perfect. His brown hair was flawless. He was wearing fashionable clothes that seemed comfortable, only they were not: a tight pair of jeans, a black shirt and a shiny jacket to complete the image. A bunch of chains were hanging from his jacket, setting a y and mysterious aura around him. His face was expressionless, a mask of serenity.

His features looked somewhat familiar, underneath all the make-up and the layer of ice firmly set in his eyes. For a split of a second, they were filled with panic, although it was quickly retained, hidden from the rest of the world. Why worry? There's no one else in the room. 

I wanted to claim that I didn't know that person so badly. It would be a lie, of course. This person, no matter how much I didn't want to admit it, I knew him better than anyone. Because it was me.

Onew -Jinki- was staring back at me. 

No, I corrected myself. Jinki and Onew are not the same person. They can't be. I desperately tried to grasp the thought. I couldn't. No matter what I did, I couldn't see -I couldn't create- the difference between Jinki and Onew. It was impossible. I knew that as an idol, I had to differentiate myself from the image I was offering the public. And, although I had tried numerous times, I just didn't find myself able to hold a -fake- stable image that I could use. Acting really was not my strongest point. 

I looked away from the mirror, when someone barged into the room. The someone turned out to be Taemin. His clothes were similar to mine, though they were a bit too big for him. The extremely voluble maknae dragged me out of the room. He couldn't contain his excitement. He kept on saying how great our performance was going to be and how awesome we would all be on stage. 

I looked at him mortified, as my hands clenched into fists. I swallowed, trying to fend off the queasy feeling that had settled in me. Only the thought of standing on stage was hard to bear. The countless times I had failed to do the choreography and hit the right notes flooded back into my mind. I took a deep breth and focused on the floor beneath my feet, thinking about the infinite hours I had spent practicing with Kibum to calm myself, not paying attention to Taemin's words. 

When we finally reached our destination, the waiting room, it was full of people. I could easily spot my members within the crowd, after all, they were wearing outfits of the same style. I recognized the f(x) members -Krystal and Luna enthusiastically greeted me- and I even saw some of our Super Junior sunbaes. The rest of the people were all part of the staff, putting final touches on artists' make-ups and clothes. 

The concert was to start at 8:00 o'clock and it was now 7:00. I felt like everyone in the room was eager to get on stage, except me. Taemin and I approached the rest of the members. Jonghyun was warming up his voice and complained that he still hadn't recovered from the flu he had caught the previous week. Minho was sitting on a couch nearby and Taemin joined him as soon as we arrived. Key was talking to Heechul and Donghae. I avoided looking his way, but his laugh haunted me, even though I was standing several feet away from them. It surprised me, how loud his voice was. Then again, maybe I was just subconsciously focused on him. 

I decided that instead of uselessly sitting there, I could at least revise the choreography in my mind. That way, I had more chances not to mess everything up during the performance. It was an SM concert, so most of our labelmates were here. We were going to perform an encore of our song "Lucifer". I was so nervous about this performance, because, sure, I had had a whole lot time to practice, but I kept getting those dance moves wrong. Thus, the nervousness for the performance was eating me alive and suddenly I couldn't breathe, there were too many people in the room. I had to get out.

I moved towards some sort of balcony on my left, desperate to have some fresh air. It helped me think it out and I found my heartbeat slowing back to its normal pace. That was, until someone behind me cleared his throat. I was too busy thinking to notice Kibum standing behind me and, as I turned, he looked at me, a weird expression printed out on his face.

"Hey! What's up?", I said, hoping that he wouldn't notice the way my voice was abnormaly high-pitched. Because, he was so handsome with all his make-up and eyeliner, that it was almost hard to directly look at him.

"I... I just wanted to see how you were doing. After all this practice we did, are you still nervous?"

I cursed myself for making it so obvious. As though he didn't already have enough problems, now he had to worry about his incapable leader. I hated myself for it. Always making other people worried: my family at first, then my fans, and now my fellow members. Was worry the only thing I exuded? I felt my cheeks reddening out of embarrassment.

"Don't be embarrassed. It's only normal that you're nervous. I mean, all of us are", he continued. 

I felt grateful to him for encouraging me, but he couldn't get it. I wasn't just nervous about the performance, I was terrified. I didn't want to let down the people counting on me anymore. I didn't want to be seen as a useless member inside the group. Most importantly, I wanted to prove it to them. 

Before I had the time to explain this to Key, Minho came out on the balcony, looking relieved to have found us.

"Guys, are you coming in? They said we should all gather together inside." 

I nodded and we followed him inside wordlessly. Inside, there was chaos. Everyone was running around, trying to find stuff and gather their groups. Their earlier excitement had been replaced by nervousness. 

At least I wasn't the only one.

...

7:55.

I stared at the clock absent-mindedly, watching the seconds flow, the concert time approaching terrifyingly fast. I couldn't think. My mind was blank, my body tense, as I looked around the room, averting my eyes from the clock, because I had started getting dizzy.

Key was sitting next to me, I could feel his knee pressing against mine. He was the only one that actually looked relaxed. Had I not spoken to him an hour before, I would have thought he was cool, not nervous at all. My eyes moved to my other members. Minho's emotions were hidden, his face as though covered by a mask, though, from his stance, I could tell he was nervous. Other people wouldn't have figured, though. People seemed unable to spot Minho's emotions. For me, it was different. He was one of my best friends, I could read him like an open book.

Jonghyun was mumbling the lyrics of our songs, not exactly nervous, but not calm either. Taemin's confidence and enthusiasm were slowly fading away, only to be replaced by uncertainity. This discouraged me a bit. If not even Taemin could stay positive, then what about the rest of us? 

"Guys, get ready. You'll be performing next", a member of the staff said, and my thoughts abruptly returned to the concert. I suddenly realised that we had to go on stage. And I definitely wasn't ready.

...

"I feel like I've become a clown trapped in a glass castle~"

Just then, just when the song was reaching its , my voice cracked. It wasn't subtle. I could feel myself becoming red beneath the heavy make-up and I just wanted to disappear. I could almost hear the fans get a bit more silent. It wasn't for long, just a few seconds. A few seconds that made me lose the earth beneath my feet -metaphorically, thank God. 

My moves were robotic, I was too shocked to think. So ironic, I thought. I believed my feet were going to be the ones to destroy me and in the end it was my own voice that betrayed me. Maybe all the antis were right, I wasn't worthy of being a SHINee member, I was by far the most useless member in the group. I couldn't do anything right. Even though my voice was special (it was the one thing I could do well, after all), I couldn't support it. My abilities and my hard work were not enough. They would never be enough. Why?

I looked at my members, a bit terrified to face their reactions. They all ignored the incident, as though, if they pretended it never happened, everyone would simply forget about it. Well, maybe most would, but I wouldn't. I couldn't. No matter how much I tried, I'd never be able to. All the times I had ridiculised myself on stage haunted me. Sometimes at nighttime under the form of nightmares. Some other times -most of the time, actually- I just couldn't stop thinking about how I should just give up on everything.

I focused on my members once again. None of them were looking at me -why would they, if nothing happened?- but I could spot Taemin's eyes quickly stealing a glance at me. The next second, he had turned his full attention on the fans, as he keeped dancing, mesmerising everyone with his superb dancing skills. Jonghyun was focused on his own voice, he didn't have time to worry over my mistakes on stage. I knew what was going to come later. "Hyung, are you okay? It's alright, I'm sure nobody noticed." He always tried to make me feel better afterwards. He said that I definitely wasn't the one to blame and that, one day, I'd be able to go on stage without being worried about my performances. But, for now, he didn't do anything. I couldn't blame him.

After all, it's what we'd always been told. Jonghyun, as the main vocalist, had to be extra careful, Taemin, our cute maknae but awesome dancer was too pressured after being placed in the middle for almost every choreography, Minho had to be perfect for the cameras and his rapping parts. 

And Key... 

Key always wanted to be flawless anyway. He didn't need anyone to remind him. He liked being admired, being seen as a perfect person, even though he wasn't. None of us were. Plus, he was the visual. It was only natural, of course. Considering how fair he was, I couldn't even imagine how he could claim that he wasn't that pretty.

As for me, they had said I just needed to contain that image of mine and try to cover my mistakes on stage. Already failed at that. I hated how they treated me like a lost cause. They had given up on seeing a perfect performance on stage coming from me. And, although I wanted to prove them wrong so much, every time I stood on stage, something just... didn't work out. No matter how much I practiced, no matter how many times I perfected the song back at the studio, on stage... I wasn't able to do so.

The song finally came to an end and I fought a wave of nausea, as I smiled my brightest smile (the one I was well-known for) and bowed as deeply as I could. A microphone was handed my way and I realised, absolutely horrified, that my hands' trembling was so bad I could barely hold it steadily. I took a deep breath, my mind still hazy from the performance and, when I could trust my voice again, I thanked the audience before quietly exiting the stage. My smile froze in place and faded when we were out of sight. I disappeared into an empty room, not able to pretend that everything was alright anymore.

...

"Jinki?"

I froze, hearing him calling my name. I had been sitting on the floor, my head resting on my knees. It had only been around fifteen minutes since our performance, why would anyone be looking for me?

Key barged into the room just as I got up. He looked at me, seemingly relieved. His expression hardened at my state and I lowered my eyes. 

"Where have you been?" he demanded. He was mad, I could tell he was. I always recognised his 'angry expression'. His eyes were colder, his lips pressed together in a thin line and his eyebrows furrowed. "Do you have any idea how...", his voice had risen, but when he continued after a small pause and a deep breath, it was almost dull: "... worried Minho has been? He's been looking for you everywhere."

"I'm sorry. I just needed some time to myself. You know, after the fiasco with the performance." I hoped he would get the hint and leave me alone.

He sighed, but didn't say whatever he initially wanted to.

"What's wrong?" I asked, concerned. "Is it about the performance?" I added, my voice trembling. "I'm so sorry, Kibum. I-I will try harder. I won't ruin our performances anymore. I promise I'll do my best."

He looked surprised, as if the thought hadn't even crossed his mind. "That's not it, you idiot. Why would I... why would we be mad about this? We were just worried because you disappeared. You're usually not in the best mood after such performances." He said carefully, looking at me as though he had just stated the most obvious thing.

Initially, I wanted to say a "I wonder why", but I wasn't exactly thrilled to see Key's reaction afterwards. He really didn't like it when people were being wry with him.

When he saw I wasn't going to say anything, he scowled and said: "Say something, because I'm starting to feel like an idiot here."

"Thank you", I blurted out.

His eyebrows furrowed adorably in confusion and he asked: "What for?"

For being here, I wanted to tell him. Guess what? I didn't. "For distracting me from thinking about what happened earlier."

"Flattered", he said dryly. "Well, you don't really have a reason to think about it. It happened, okay. But instead of thinking about what happened in the past, you should be thinking about what you want for the future." 

... Well, that was unexpectently wise of him to say.

"Next time, I warn you, you better not mess up. Because, as your personal trainer, I have a reputation to uphold".

... Or not.

I laughed, not really bothered by his words at all. "That sure is a new way of making people feel better."

He rolled his eyes, but I could tell he was pleased with himself. "Let's go find the others." 

"Yeah, Minho must be worried."

I missed his hidden smirk.

Author's Note:

Hello again! 

As promised, the chapter is up! I hope you enjoyed the second chapter of this story.

To all the people who subscribed, commented and upvoted: I really can't express how grateful I'm feeling. Let me know about your thoughts on the story so far, I'd really like to hear your opinions.

Thanks again for reading!