Chapter Eight

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| YEJI

 

Baekhyun and I are cuddling on the couch outside by his pool, I sit up and face him. I notice he’s in a better mode today since the staff aren’t suffocating him. Baekhyun was getting fed up with the routine his Grandmother set for the staff to check up on him his first few days back from the hospital. Luckily when I asked Mrs. Dasom to stop providing the service because I want to take care of him, she granted my wish due to trusting me that I will. 

 

Although I get along so well with his grandparents, I began to feel a bit uncomfortable towards them as I wondered how they didn’t help Baekhyun and his mother.

 

He smirks. “What are you thinking?” 

 

I take a deep breath. “Well, I’ve been having trouble with talking to your grandparents without feeling some type of way.” I pause. “I just want to know if they knew what was going on.” I can’t hide the sadness in my voice. “If they knew, why didn’t they come for you?”

 

He nods and adjusts his position. “I thought the same at first until they explained their side. One day, they got a call from their son desperately asking for money. They haven’t heard from him in seven years so they hesitated because he wasn’t giving them an explanation for that amount and especially his request to have it in cash. So, he used me and they gave in. They thought they would meet me in person but he showed up alone and once he took the money, he pointed a gun at my grandfather and disappeared from them again. The freedom of drugs and alcohol thrilled him more, I’m pretty sure he got into with some bad people and owed money.” He pauses. “I meet my grandparents the day of my mom’s death. My grandparents wanted to take me in when they found out the entire truth about their son, what he did and what he was. But, I feel like they were forced to take me because they are my only immediate family.”

 

I feel sad but relieved at the same time, it’s just good to know his grandparents didn’t neglect him. I don’t believe they took him because they had told, they took him in because they do love him and it’s obvious in the way they take care of him. They want to give him a better life and they see he deserves everything great. It breaks my heart that Baek feels guilty to deserve any of this. 

 

I bravely speak up. “Baek, don’t you ever feel like your mother would want you to have this life, a better one?”

 

He clenches his jaw. “Yeji, don’t...”

 

I don’t mean to cut him off but I just start speaking from my heart. “If she was here to tell you—”

 

He raises his voice. “She’s not!” I stare blankly. “So don’t act like you know what you’re talking about.” He starts getting up. “Go home Yeji.”

 

I was afraid of everyone pushing him off the edge but it ended up being me. After a few minutes of sitting in silence I take his advice and make my way up the stairs to grab my belongings. When I enter his room, I didn’t expect him to be in here. 

 

“My stuff is here.” I announce as I walk towards his sitting chair where my bag is. 

 

“I know.” He replies gently. 

 

“Okay, I didn’t want you to get mad at me for coming up here.”

 

He sighs, “I mean I know what she would say. I know you’re right.” He pauses. “It’s hard talking about my mom because I wish I didn’t have to imagine what she would say to me. I want her here with me. So, it’s hard.”

 

I inhale and exhale to myself, I walk to his side and sit on the bed with him. “I’m sorry for not taking that into consideration.”

 

He shakes his head. “How could you if I never talk about it.” He takes my hand and rests his forehead with mine. “I’m sorry for screaming at you.”

 

“It’s okay.” I whisper.

 

“It’s not.” He sighs. “Yeji, I have to move. I’m really unhappy here.” He lightly chuckles. “Don’t make that face.”

 

I’m not sure what face he’s talking about? I’m just really sad that he wants to leave. “Do I not make you happy?”

 

He kisses my forehead. “Don’t say that. I’m just tense all the time and the guilt I carry is too much.”

 

I nod trying to understand. It’s easy for me to just want him to fight it, to just stay here and get used to it. But, maybe it’s easier for me since I grew up in this lifestyle and I didn’t go through what he had to endure. So, I have to try to side with him.

 

“I’m just scared if you move away it’s going to change everything.” I nervously gulp. “Especially knowing she’s going to be there.” We make eye contact. “Sena.”

 

“I swear it Yeji. She and nobody else ever made me fall in love. Everything I did before you was always reckless and careless behavior to distract myself from all the heavy .”

 

I get a flashback of the first night I met Sena. When she came to one of our cabana parties with Baekhyun’s friends. She thought she could pick up where she left off with Baek. Seeing her all over him made me so insecure because she was the girl on Baekhyun’s phone. Not only that but she is stunning, you would believe she’s a model. But, all the insecurity had been replaced with a sense of peace when Baek turned her down and made it clear in front of everyone, we’re together.

 

Although I feel a bit threatened there’s something in Baek’s voice that I trust and believe. I get brought back to the moment as I trace my lips with his, my kiss invites him to cup my face with his good hand. We lean on the bed as we start to get into the moment, however, his cast makes it hard on him causing us to laugh. It still doesn’t stop us and we begin to undress each other. 

 

 

 

 

| Y E A R  T W O

 

I instantly regret my decision to come here tonight as soon as I see Baekhyun and Sena inches away from kissing right outside his balcony. 

 

“You wouldn’t be doing anything wrong.” She has the nerve to say.

 

I scoff “Yeah Baekhyun, you wouldn’t be because you’re single now.” I didn’t plan to break up with him but what I see in front of me, I know I’m not going to tolerate this. 

 

I exit his apartment and tell myself not to cry but the more I repeat it, the less effective it is because I feel the tears roll down my cheeks. I search for my keys and right behind me, Baekhyun is calling my name. I quickly wipe my tears and hurry to my car to escape this place.

 

“It’s not what it looks like, I swear.” He’s out of breath.

 

I roll my eyes. “Don’t give me that crap.”

 

He reaches where I am and tries to stop me but I jerk away feeling hate and anger. I know he can tell what I’m feeling.

 

“You have no idea how embarrassing it was to have my siblings see your stupid video that got uploaded. I had to pretend like I knew what you were doing so it wouldn’t seem like you were doing something behind my back. I was hiding the actual truth to protect you because I believed deep down you had a good reason why you didn’t tell me about tonight. But it’s so ing clear why you didn’t!”

 

“What’s clear? I didn’t invite her. You know we have mutual friends and no matter how many times I tell them not to bring her, she ing does what she wants.”

 

I’m so annoyed to find out about this information. “So she’s always been around? You’ve been around her other than tonight and you didn’t tell me?”  

 

“You should know me by now and you know I wouldn’t cheat on you.”

 

I immediately debate on his argument. “No, actually, I don’t know! Ever since you’ve moved back down here things have been different and we’ve been distant. So, I really don’t know what you’ve been doing and seeing that makes my mind think the worst!” 

 

“Yeji, I’ve told you over and over that I don’t have any feelings for her and I never did. She had my phone all ing night and she wanted me to kiss her to get it back but I wasn’t going to play her ing games. You came at that moment.”

 

“I don’t believe it.” I unlock my car. “—And you know what? If you want to live your life here then go have it.” I get in my car but he stops me from closing the door.

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“It means I’m done.” Even though I’m mad, it doesn’t feel right saying it but it’s too late to change it. He releases the door and I close it shut. I have so much pain to see him just let me go so easily. My soul is crushing to the fact I lost the person I envisioned everything with, but I’m even more shattered that the one I thought was for me, truly isn’t the one.

A week had passed with no calls or text messages from Baekhyun. However, when his grandmother called me to tell me he’s at the hospital, I put what happened between us aside. Although Dasom mentioned he fully woke up yesterday, I’m not expecting him to wake up during my visit. 

 

Even if it hurts to see him with bruises and minor cuts on his face, I’m content just being my his side doing what we used to do. He’d be taking a nap, watching a movie, or playing his video games while I wrote in my journal. There’s something familiar and comforting that makes me realize how much I’ve missed this...us...him.

 

“Yeji?” Even with his raspy tone, I can still hear his own voice.

 

I sit up and when our eyes meet, without meaning to I suddenly feel tears surfacing but I put a brave face on.

 

I try to reach for his hand but I hesitate. “Baek...”

 

He slowly readjusts himself and I monitor his movements. He tries to give me a small smile, almost trying to hide his pain.

 

He gulps. “You’re here.”

 

I murmur. “I’m here.”

 

He begins to sit up and I stand up to stop him from forcing himself but he manages to change his position. As I stare at him, there’s no doubt he still holds my heart and even the small time apart, as painful as it was I couldn’t stop loving him. I remember that miserable week and somehow it makes me cautious and distant. 

 

“What happened?” I gently ask. “Why did you get into a fight?”

 

He his lips. “I wanted someone to hurt me.”

 

My eyebrows come down to a frown wondering the reasons for wanting that. “What do you mean?”

 

He inhales and exhales then replies. “I hurt you. So, I wanted someone to beat the out of me because I deserved it.”

 

I shake my head and nearly whisper. “You could have died.”

 

“I was already dead when I let you walk away.” 

 

We stare at each other for a moment and I finally break the silence. “Why did you...let me go?”

 

“If you didn’t want to be with me, I didn’t want to change your mind. You have every right to leave whenever you want.” He looks out the window. “Even if it ing hurts. Who am I to make you to stay?”

 

I sigh and surrender by sitting down on the bed. I know he’s thinking about his mother. I have visions of the stories he shared about how she was a prisoner, unable to leave on her own free will. Without a doubt, I know he doesn’t want to do all the wrongs his...father did.

 

“I know I ended it but it was out of anger. I wanted to believe you, I wanted to believe that nothing happened but a part of me just wasn’t sure.” I reach for his hand. “But, I still wanted you to fight for me.” I bravely say. “It’s different making someone stay for all the wrong reasons versus wanting someone to stay for the right ones. If we love each other, we should fight for it...if we both want it.”

 

He nods. “I understand.”

 

I look out the window and I begin to think of all the pros and cons to our relationship. It doesn’t take long to just follow my heart entirely, wether I have a bit of fear to the unknown. 

 

 

 

 

| Y E A R  T H R E E 

 

We laugh together as he covers my eyes and helps me take my steps. I already know where he’s taking me and it’s cute how he wants to surprise me. I hear the door open and Baekhyun removes his hands away from my face. 

 

“Welcome home.” He kisses my head. 

 

I have the biggest smile on my face as I admire our apartment. It feels like a dream and I want this happiness to last forever. Everything has been perfect and it finally feels like we’re going to really make it. 

 

“Do you want to break the kitchen?” He whispers in my ear in a mischievous tone. 

 

I turn around and wrap my arms around his neck. He chuckles and picks me up with his hands now gripping on my while I wrap my legs around his waist. We share a kiss that turns passionate, the kind that makes us want more. 

 

 

 

“Alright, ready baby?” He’s trying to feed me as I sit on the kitchen island. I open my mouth to take a bite of the nice handful of every noodle possible in his chopsticks. We both share a smile as we enjoy our first dinner in our apartment. 

 

I chew and it’s the tastiest, savoriest, and spiciest combination ever yet it works. I love how he thinks of mixing all the best food categories in a bowl, he does it almost every time. It’s spontaneous of him and my favorite thing to do with him. I give him a thumbs up and he hands me my own chopsticks and small bowl. 

 

“Why don’t you mix the side dishes together?” I ask excitedly.

 

He smirks. “Never with that.” 

 

I smile and shrug my shoulders while I eat this bowl of paradise happily. 

 

“I have to ask you...well I was wondering.” I pause as I finish my bite. “How would you feel about working at the Resort?” 

 

He slightly freezes and his smile slowly drops. “I wouldn’t want to wear a suit.”

 

I chuckle. “No, I’m being serious. My Father thinks it would be a great idea to have you manage over there.”

 

He places his utensils down. “I don’t know a single thing about running a business.” He looks a bit upset. “Was this really his idea or yours?”

 

I nervously place a strand of hair behind my ear. “Well, I brought it up to him but he does think it’s a great idea.”

 

As soon as I admit it, Baek shuts his eyes in disappointment. Once he has a moment to himself, he dumps his bowl of noodles in the large pot and tosses his chopsticks in the sink. 

 

“Wait, why are you upset? Maybe this could be good for us.” I reply gently. 

 

“No Yeji, be honest, this will be good for you.”

 

“Why do you say that?” 

 

He crosses his arms. “It ing bothers you that I haven’t decided what I want to do yet.”

 

I immediately disagree as I get down from the counter. I reach to hold him. “No, I want to help you start somewhere.” 

 

“If I don’t want to run my Grandfather’s business, my own family...how can I go run yours?” He gently removes my arms off of him and walks away. 

 

I give him space and begin to clean up.

 

 

 

Baekhyun aggressively opens the door and tosses his keys on the console table. He’s removing his blazer and quickly ing his white collar while walking towards our bedroom. 

 

“I can’t believe you could embarrass me like that.”

 

I remove my heels and use a stern voice. “I told daddy you had other offers so he wouldn’t bring up the position tonight. I didn’t know he was going to ambush you with questions.”

 

“How hard was it to just tell him I wasn’t going to take it? I shouldn’t have been in that position.” He throws his dress shirt to the side. “On top of that I have your grandparents getting involved.” He scoffs and mocks. “I need financial stability.”

 

“Well, they are right Baek. If we want to be more than what we are now, what’s wrong with trying to have a plan?”

 

“—and what’s wrong with not having one?” He walks up to me. “What are the reasons you love me?”

 

I sigh. “I love your intelligence, your humor, your spontaneous acts, your way to be stubborn yet caring at the same time, and how you have a way to be brutally honest in the most disgusting charming way.” 

 

“I didn’t hear because I’m financially stable.” He makes his point. “Do I make you feel good and am I there for you?”

 

I nod and my irritation with him calms down. “It’s not about the money, that doesn’t matter to me. It’s just...” I pause. “Don’t you want to be at least prepared for the future?”

 

He holds me close and caresses my cheek. “I will take care of you Yeji. Trust me.“

 

I surrender to his touch and wrap my arms around his neck. “I do.” I shyly smile. “I know you’ll take care of me and one day our little family.”

 

His eyes look around and he seems uncomfortable. “Just you and me, right?” He clarifies. 

 

“Do...” It takes me a moment to realize he’s denying a family. “You don’t want kids?”

 

He gently pulls away from me and sits on the end of the bed bench to untie his shoes. “I figured since we never talked about it, we weren’t...it wasn’t going to happen.”

 

“We never talked about it because the last couple of years we were busy working things out.” I pause. “I would love to have kids.”

 

He freezes and mumbles under his breath but I can hear it clearly. “I don’t want kids.”

 

I don’t know what to say. I never prepared myself for this outcome and all I can feel right now is sadness. 

 

“At all?” My voice is low, I’m trying to hide the disappointment in my tone but it’s evident I’m upset.

 

He grabs his shoes and stands tall. “I want you. I just want it to be me and you.” He pauses. “If having kids is something you really want, then you need to know I can’t give you that. If you can stay with me knowing that and be okay with it then we don’t need to talk about this again.” He walks off.

 

“Is there a chance you can change your mind?” I almost beg. 

 

He stands still and slightly raises his voice in a strict tone. “Yeji, I swear on my mom I don’t want kids.” 

 

I stare at his back while my heart drops and I feel tears forming. When no other words are exchanged, he walks into the bathroom and I’m left alone in this big room. Here I am in this beautiful new home believing there is a great future ahead but my dreams come shattering down when the man I love doesn’t want a family. I love Baekhyun with all my heart and I can not imagine my life without him, but I can not imagine a life where I am not a mother like I had hoped for one day.