I stare at the test that I’m holding in my hand right now, it’s the fourth one I’ve taken this week and I still feel like this isn’t real. I have so many emotions running through me but it’s mostly fear overpowering the happiness of the positive result.

 

“Yeji?” A knock on the door startles me. “Ready?”

 

Although the door is locked I begin to fluster. I immediately wrap the pregnancy test in toilet paper and toss it in the trash. I open the door and to the best of my ability act normal.

 

“Ready.” I give him a peck on his lips and rush out of the bedroom to join my family and his for brunch.

I’m extra hungry today and the urge to have so much salt on everything is giving me life right now. I notice my Grandmother staring at me and she smiles. I smile back and return to my delicious plate. 

 

“So, any plans on marriage soon?” My attention goes to my Grandmother. “How long has it been now?” She smiles.

 

“We’ll be going on 5 years, half way there.” I sip my orange juice. 

 

“I can’t wait until you two are married. The beautiful babies.” My mom adds and the rest of the ladies in our family agree. 

 

I haven’t shared with them that we don’t plan to have any kids because that’s something I’ve always been private about, especially since I’m hoping one day by a miracle Baek will change his mind. 

 

Baekhyun clears his throat and gives me his look, the one to let me know he’s uncomfortable and frustrated I didn’t share with my family our plans...his plans to not have kids so they won’t bring it up for discussion. 

 

My silence forces Baekhyun to speak. “Well, we do have to tell you all—”

 

My Grandmother eagerly interrupts. “Oh, I know.” 

 

Baekhyun and I exchange a look wondering how she could possibly know. 

 

She adds with a smile. “Yeji’s excessive desire for salt, the shiny hair, the glowing skin...How far along are you dear?”

 

Baekhyun chuckles and I follow along with the same reaction. I try to find humor in it but the reality is, I’m laughing from the nerves. I’m caught but I can’t confirm the news.

 

“No, she’s not pregnant. We were just going to share that we...” He puts his attention on me as if something came to mind. “Might not have kids...we’ll see.”

 

I know he only said ‘we’ll see’ to avoid a debate. He knows my family so well, if he was direct about not having kids everyone would make it into a conversation he would hate to have. He stares at me and I know, I know he’s questioning if my Grandmother is right.

 

 

 

| BAEKHYUN

I asked her to show me the tests, more like demanded that she shows all the tests she took as soon as we got home. All of them have the same result and I can’t believe one time, just one time this is the result. How can one night be that percent to get her pregnant. 

 

“Can you please say something.” She whispers standing near the bathroom door. I can’t even look at her. I can’t believe this is happening. 

 

“I need a moment to myself.” 

 

“Baek, please don’t shut me out.” She sounds sad. 

 

“Yeji!” I raise my voice to let her know I need it. Seconds later she closes the door and I’m left alone. What the am I going to do?

 

 

 

It was a long evening. I know I’m hurting her by giving the silent treatment. I didn’t mean to, I just don’t know how to wrap my mind around this. I walk into the bedroom and see her resting on the bed waiting for me. As much as I ing love this girl, I don’t want to be near her right now. I know it’s not her ing fault but I just don’t want...it. 

 

She slightly sits up and gives me her shy smile. I know she’s observing me, trying to see if I’m irritated or not. I just stand at the edge of the bed and stare at her. 

 

I sigh. “I don’t want it Yeji.”

 

Her face breaks my heart. “Well, we don’t have a choice Baekhyun. Our baby chose us.”

 

I smack my lips, not intending to mock her but I do. “We’d be doing it a favor if it didn’t.”

 

She frowns. “A-are you talking about an abortion?” She shakes her head and scoffs in disgust. “Wh-why would you say that? How can you say that?” She begins to panic. “This is our baby. We made this small, innocent, sweet baby.”

 

“Only one of us wants it. If you keep it, it’s not going to be how you imagine it.” I say coldly. 

 

“Stop calling the baby ‘it’. I keep imagining that stupid scary possessed clown.”

 

I shrug my shoulders and before I can stop myself, it just slips out. “Well, this might as well be a ing horror movie.” 

 

“ you.” She gets out of bed and I’ve never seen her this mad, this is different. I just watch her cry and I don’t do anything. She grunts. “How can you ing say that? You’re being a ing coward! You talk about a man who was never there to raise you or love you and you’re doing the exact same thing!”

 

I raise my voice. “What if I’m not capable of loving it? I mean look how I’m already treating it.”

 

Her tears are rolling off her beautiful face like an endless river. “You don’t know that, you haven’t even tried. We made our baby with love. I know you’re going to love her because she’s a part of me. You always wonder if you’re ever going to do any good in life and she’s going to be that testimony, she’s going to have your blood.”

 

“She?” I raise my eyebrow.

 

She settles down with her sobbing, she nods and stands still. “I know it’s really early to say but I feel it in my heart. It’s hard to explain.” She carefully finds her words. “I made an appointment, just...give her a chance.”

 

I let out a piece of air I was holding in. “I know it’s going to be ed up leaving you and it’s going to ing hurt but I just know...I know I’m going to fail you.” I my lips. “I’m sorry.”

 

I know I’m not going to be wanted here so I walk out with my head down and go into the living room as a particular memory resurfaces...

 

 

 

| YEJI

My eyes are swollen and I look utterly broken in my reflection this morning. I am broken. This is it, this is the end of Baekhyun and I. There is no way I can be with him any longer based on last night. As much as it hurts and kills me, it’s time. It’s time to walk away.

 

I wash my face to freshen up but it doesn’t make a difference, I still look like a disaster. Staring at myself I know I must be strong and there’s no choice but to have to be. I place my hand on my belly as tears escape. When I open my eyes, I see Baekhyun through the mirror standing by the door. 

 

I hear his voice shake. “I don’t want to be like him. Show me how to love it...the baby. Our baby.”

 

It takes me a while to grasp what he just said, once I process his words, I rush up to him and secure my arms around his neck to embrace him. I hold on tightly so he knows how grateful I am he’s fighting his darkness.

 

 

 

A sharp excruciating pain wakes me. I toss and turn to get comfortable as the cramps I felt earlier today have gotten more intense. Unable to tolerate it, I decide to look for my phone to call my doctor because I don’t think this is normal anymore. When I get up I feel a gush come out.

 

Out of curiosity, I go use the toilet and I immediately notice the amount of bright red blood stained on my underwear and on my inner thighs. I whisper Baekhyun’s name and I have difficulty finding my voice to call for him again.

 

After a few seconds I manage to shout his name. I start to cry because I know something isn’t right. 

 

He rushes to my side. “What’s wrong baby?”

 

I try to speak between my tears. “My phone...call Dr. Choi.” 

 

Everything turns into a blur as I sit there with the realization that I’m losing my baby. The physical pain I have right now is nothing compared to the ache in my heart that there’s absolutely nothing I can do to protect our baby. 

 

 

 

| BAEKHYUN

 

While Yeji cries in my arms I hold her as tight as I possibly can. Wishing there was a way to take what she’s feeling away because I don’t think I can say anything to fix this. 

 

. I feel so guilty for ever saying I didn’t want our baby. I feel like I have no right to be sad but I am. 

 

“We were a couple days away to our first appointment.” She sniffs. “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to carry our baby.”

 

I’m confused to why she feels the need to apologize when it’s not her fault. I her hair to comfort her. I can’t get the look on her face when the Doctor gave us the bad news out of my head. I don’t want her to hurt anymore, she’s a beautiful soul who loves unconditionally, she deserves the ing universe and more and I’m going to ing make sure I give it all to her.

 

“It’s not your fault baby.” I kiss her head. “We’re going to try again.” I tighten my embrace. “You’re going to be a mom.” 

 

 

 

 

| Y E A R  F I V E

 

I keep looking over my shoulder at the Resort’s staff who is standing side by side near the dinner table that’s set up on the beach. I feel anxious but I know Jeju island is the perfect place to ask Yeji to marry me. 

 

Finally, I see her walking down the rose trail that’s been set up for her to follow. , she looks beautiful. I’m a lucky man. Her smile eases my nerves and it confirms I’m ready to marry this angel...my angel.

 

“You really went all out for our 5th year anniversary.” She reaches me and I kiss her. I don’t ing care who stares, I need to kiss my future wife.

 

“I don’t think I’ve gone all out...yet.” I gently her cheek and deeply stare into her eyes. “Did I ever tell you the Angel story?” 

 

She shakes her head and I smile as I’m about to tell her the story. 

 

“There was a boy who lost his angel. In losing her, he lost all sense of direction and didn’t know how to love. But, one day the boy unexpectedly met another angel. Now, this angel was different from the first. The boy could see that the first angel, his mother, sent him the second angel, a girl who would save him from his own darkness.” I pause and get down on my knee. “That day at the Resort when you nearly ran my drunk over. I said you’re like an angel and I asked if you were sent to watch over me. Well, you are my angel Yeji and I know you’ve been sent to me. I love you so much and I know it never seemed like it in the beginning but you always had my heart.” I take out the box to show her the ring. “—And I always want you to have it so please keep mine. Will you marry me and spend the rest of our lives together?”

 

She’s crying and gets down on her knees, kissing me intensely and passionately. She even giggles.

 

“Yes. We say yes.” She places her head on my forehead.

 

“We?” I chuckle. 

 

She nods. “I’m pregnant.” 

 

I get up and cradle her in my arms. I spin her around matching my excitement. I place her down gently and grab her hand to place the engagement ring on her perfect finger. I never thought or imagined that one day I would be free and feel such indescribable happiness. I get the opportunity to make a better life and out of it, I get a wife and a child. I’m going to make my mom proud. I’m going to love my Yeji and give my child everything.

 

 

 

“Baek!” I hear Yeji screaming my name from our bathroom while I try to watch the soccer game in our bedroom. I shout back asking what she needs but the second time she calls for me, I hear agony in her voice. I rush in and she’s sticking out her towel for me to see. My heart drops when I spot out the blood. I go over to hold her. She sobs in my arms and I get mad that, again, she has to go through this pain. 

 

 

 

| YEJI

I look at my phone when we arrive back from our New York trip to visit Somi. That’s when I notice I have a set of different calls from my mother and brothers. We take our belongings to our room and settle in. Baekhyun turns on the T.V. while I enter the walk-in closet to get comfortable. I decide to call my mother while I change. 

 

“Yeji...” I hear Baekhyun’s voice.

 

No answer from my mother so I try Chanyeol. When he picks up, he sounds off, almost like he’s been crying?

 

“Hey, sorry I had to turn off my phone to save some battery. We just got home. I brought your favorite treats—” I hear him sniffle. “Are you okay?”

 

He clears his throat. “Have you watched the news or read anything yet?” 

 

My eyebrows frown. “No, we literally just got home.”

 

I walk out of the closet and I notice Baekhyun standing up watching the news. I smirk because he’s almost frozen. My smile fades when I look at his features, he’s confused and sad. I turn my attention to the screen and the news reporters are talking about my father. 

 

“Yeji...dad’s plane crashed.” Chanyeol’s voice is low but full of heartache. “He’s gone Yeji.” He loses his composure and breaks down. 

 

I heard my brother very clear but it didn’t sink in yet. The reporters explaining the weather conditions and their confusion on his private pilot even taking off ground is being discussed. I take in all the information about my father’s accident and it’s not until I see his picture on the screen that I lose it. I raise my voice and demand Chanyeol to tell me where he is and what Hospital our father is in. I need to go see my father. 

 

I hear Chanyeol trying to calm me and I feel Baek helping me take a seat on the bed. But, I push him away and hang up on Chanyeol. 

 

“I have to go see him Baek!”

 

“I know baby. I know. I need you to calm down first. Please. I know it’s ing hard but take a deep breath. It won’t be good for the baby.”

 

“I have to go see him!” I break down and I feel intense pressure on my chest. My walls are closing in and I can’t settle down. My entire world is crumbling down.

 

 

 

| Y E A R  S I X

 

 

He nods handing me the test and although I believe him, I still take a look myself. Seeing the word ‘negative’ on the stick makes me take a seat on the floor. I’m not devastated but it does hurt, perhaps this is best. I come to accept the result as I remember all three miscarriages and it’s not fair to us or the baby. It’s time to stop trying.

 

Baek joins me on the floor and wraps his arms around me. I love how gentle he’s become, more in touch with his emotions. I truly feel like I have all his love and support more than ever before.

 

“It’s going to happen.” He reassures me. 

 

We give each other a kiss on our lips. When we pull apart, our eyes meet and we share a comforting smile.

 

“Let’s plan our wedding instead.” I grab his hand. “I want to be your wife already.” I kiss his lips and whisper. “Let’s get married.”

 

“I want you to be my wife even more...” He whispers with a smile and says, “Betcha.”