Victoria Falls

story by CatD65

1. Story Title: 8/10

I couldn’t come up with any words to describe my first impression on your title, simply because it didn’t leave me any impression. When I was first assigned to work on the review, I was not at all excited, because – given only the title – I was not intrigued. ‘Victoria Falls’ sounds quite plain and meaningless, although of course, that is not the case.

In terms of originality, I must say that you tick right at the high point. Taking this title based on one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the world is what makes it rather meaningful (as oppose to my first impression). How many writers here in AFF would actually take that theme as a whole? I personally have not encountered similar title/theme so after looking through it again, I must say that the title is very unique and original.

However, ‘Victoria Falls’ seems to have lack of relation with the overall plotline. It relates completely to the setting, but not to the plot. The epilogue where the girls went back to the site after developing a sweet relationship is actually a great touch. If it’s not for the epilogue, your title would have appeared less and less captivating. What I’m trying to say is, if you want to connect the title with the overall theme or setting, make sure you portray the relations as the story grows. A title needs to be relevant to the overall story, not just a small fragment of its theme or setting.  I think this is one of the reasons why ‘Victoria Falls’ did not lure me in at the first sight. That aside, though, the chosen theme is very unique and distinctive; I will elaborate more on it as we go on. Keep it up.

2) Characters: 18/30

Let’s start off with Tiffany.

Her character in ‘Victoria Falls’ gives off the ‘it girl’-kind of feeling: sarcastic and temperamental, but still holds so much of a feminine side. It was not difficult for me to understand her character, given how the way you described her seemed to fit with her real image very well.

Contrasting to her presentation and portrayal, Tiffany’s development seemed somewhat lacking. Her character appeared dynamic, but not in particularly a good way. If her development and changes of behavior were described in proper ways, I’m sure you could’ve knocked this aspect off easily. The main reason of this flaw is probably your narrative style, which will be elaborated on further in the next section. Nonetheless, Tiffany’s inconsistent character quite turned me off midway. Please note that it’s not about her sudden change of behavior after falling in love with Taeyeon because it’s very normal and understandable (she, after all, hid her inner, melancholic self beneath that cranky attitude). It’s about the way you developed her dynamic character that didn’t leave any good impact on the readers. Again, I will elaborate more on this later.

The other lead – Taeyeon – appeared rather likeable. If I were to choose my favorite character, it would be her. She left a good impact since her very first appearance up until the end of the story. Her development was quite decent, although - similar to Tiffany’s case - the presentation of her growing feelings toward the other girl was quite loose. Still, you did a great job with making her character very realistic.

Now let’s have a quick discussion about the supporting characters. I am not a fan of girlxgirl fanfiction (I don’t read any of those except for the ones I’m reviewing) so reading ‘Victoria Falls’ was quite a challenge for me. I just can’t seem to imagine girl falling for a girl. Sunny and Hyomin’s appearances, however, came to rescue my limited imagination on a yuri fanfiction, which is great! Their affection for each other let me imagine how girlxgirl is possible and at the same time, it let me understand Tiffany and Taeyon’s relationship development. I think their appearances were rather helpful to develop the flow and plotline, so kudos for that.

On the other side, Mavin’s appearance was very vague and unclear. It did explain why Taeyeon was late for the coach and why Tiff had cursed at the other little boy, but it was not coherent to the rest of the plot. There are a few questions that lingered in my mind, post-Mavin’s appearance: (a) Who is he to both Taeyeon and Tiff? (b) Why is he in Zimbabwe, if during the day Taeyeon was late for the coach, she arrived alone despite ‘finding Mavin’s parents’ being her reason? (c) Why is Tiffany being protective to the kid, when she doesn’t like people, let alone a child?

You might want to add more description about Mavin’s background and physical portrayal in order to let the readers relate to both Taeyeon and Tiffany’s reasoning. Overall, though, you have done a great job.

3) Setting: 15/15

I think it’s obvious that you would acquire full points for this section. You nailed it. I am one of those people who have never heard of the Seven Natural Wonders of the world, so honestly, I don’t have any idea as to how your story settings look like. The description of your settings is very vivid and well-written; I certainly have nothing against this aspect. Great job!

4) Narration: 10/15

The narration of ‘Victoria Falls’ display a well-balanced portion of descriptions and dialogues, which is excellent to begin with. You did not forget to put proper amount of dialogues in order to support the scene descriptions, hence the vivid impact on the readers. You did a good job in nailing this aspect.

When I read through the story, I gotta admit that I feel like I was reading a teen literature. The words, phrases and narrative style used are so teen-like that it had put me off when I reached only the first chapter. The technique that you used to reveal the characters’ inner feelings and thoughts is very simple and direct; it lacks of complicatedness that could have been created in order to enhance the story’s effect.

I suggest you to decrease the amount of first POV narrative style (you know: your characters’ inner thoughts that you wrote in italic) because it shows unprofessionalism that I personally do not favor. You are great with descriptions, so you can replace those first POV parts by building vivid descriptions regarding your characters’ feelings. The technique that you currently used is what makes your characterization lacking. It couldn’t make your readers relate completely to the characters.

5) Plot: 15/30

The plot, to me, appears like a cliché love story between two girls with opposite personalities who, at first, were very reluctant to the idea of falling for one another, but ended up feeling love in the air anyway. The only thing that differs ‘Victoria Falls’ with the other love stories out there is merely where it takes place. When stories usually start in South Korea, China, America or Europe, ‘Victoria Falls’ – surprisingly – kicks off its start in Zimbabwe. It’s very peculiar so thumbs up for that.

However, the overall idea of the plotline is rather indifferent and ordinary. There isn’t any point being given, like the only conflict lies only on how Tiff was afraid to admit her feelings for Taeyeon. I even found Taeyeon’s trauma as a waste, because it could have been expanded to create a certain effect but it was not, so the events that had happened in the story were just plain.

Tiff and Taeyeon’s journey in Victoria Falls is a great touch. If it isn’t for it, the happening events would appear ultimately tasteless. The descriptions given for those scenes are great too.

Overall, I think I would sum this section by saying that the plot lacks of conflict and complicatedness, so take a note on that for your future projects. It was very predictable and I don’t think I would go on reading if it was not for the review. You do not want to turn your readers off midway, so make sure to provide some intriguing plot twists and hanger to keep your readers lured.

6) Story Flow: 11/15

The story was dragged by an enough amount of happening events, so the flow went just okay. The pace itself is rather consistent; no scenes were rushed nor explored too deeply. The beginning of the story was great, but not entirely effective in making the readers wonder as to what would happen to the characters’ feelings. You made it obvious that the two leads would eventually fall for each other despite having bad impressions (on one another). The ending was obvious, so the impacts toward the readers weren’t that great. In addition, the epilogue was remarkably effective to underline the overall theme of the story.

7) Theme: 17/20

You picked a very peculiar and distinctive theme that I need to pour my praises for. I think your objective of letting people know more about the Seven Natural Wonders of the world is very splendid; the idea of developing a plot inside it is very great as well. The only thing that bothers me is how the theme is not explored deeply. The story revolves more on the romance instead of the theme. It would have been better if you could elaborate more on the Victoria Falls by concurrently portraying the romance plotline. That aside, though, I love the overall idea of the theme so do keep it up!

8) Descriptiveness of the Narrative: 15/20

There weren’t a lot of metaphors or figurative languages being used in the story. Back again to the lack of plot complicatedness that decreases the numbers of spot for you to use various figurative. The story started, developed, and ended with simple and direct vocabulary, making the fiction looks like an easy reading. In addition, I think you used too much of ‘The Creative Director’, ‘The Director’ and ‘The Film Director’ to replace your characters’ names. This shows the lack of variety of name replacements which I suggest you to look into. If you’re planning to revise the story, please do alter those name replacements. At first it was okay, but as the story went on and creative director was endlessly used to replace Tiff’s name, I was starting to get annoyed. That name doesn’t really look good anyway. You may, of course, use it once or twice, but make sure it’s not too excessive. There must be various name replacements that you can think of for both Tiffany and Taeyeon.

9) Entertainment factors and Purpose Identification: 10/20

Like I said, reading your story makes me feel like I am reading a teen literature. The mood that it sets is very teen-like, probably because of the narrative style discussed in the previous section. Plot twists weren’t visible (or if it’s there, it’s not really significant) making the whole story very simple and plain.

I would not say that it’s not a good read. Your full grasp on English and your knowledge about the setting were excellent. They are the few reasons why your story is enjoyable. The objective of taking The Seven Natural Wonders of the world as the theme is also very out of the box so kudos for that.

That aside, the flaws that I have explained throughout the review would be the reasons why I took some points off this section. Some flaws and holes were just very apparent that it was not easy for me to just enjoy the read. I think the fact that the story got obvious even from the early chapters is what decreases the pleasure of reading the most.

OVERALL SCORE: 119/175; 68%

REVIEWED BY: macchiato-

Review Credits to macchiato- from World of Literature Review Shop

Another Review from Dancing Daisy (click on link read further. Warning: Subscribers only): Dancing Daisy

Grade: 71/100 

Review Credits to QuinaDapane from Dancing Daisy

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Author's Note:

Yes! I have finally gotten a review! Well it was not about plucking the courage to ask for a review blabla stuff for me cause as I have said before I truly am open to criticisms.

I know the review score isn't high but really, I thought it was a really good thing for me because there is always room for improvement. 

I thank my reviewer macchiato- so much for this awesome review and even though I know this review would affect the way some people feel about my story, I still advice you guys to read through it. I can only say that no story is perfect because it takes a perfect writer to write a perfect story and you guys all know that nobody is perfect so unless you are nobody, you are not perfect (I was trying to troll you guys sorry :D) 

But really, I am thankful to my readers for reading my work (I hope you guys don't feel too bad about yourself after reading my flawed piece) but rather, take this opportunity for us to mature together, as readers and writer. 

My promise to you all is that I will do my best to become better and I sincerely hope to see you guys soon again!

Have a great holiday/ school term/ work life (whatever) ahead of you! 

Love, 

CatD65