Last Breath

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/597465/

Title: score- 2-5

The title does show up quite a lot in many of the stories I’ve read. It’s pretty clear by just reading it that the main protagonist would be sickly or something along the lines of that.

Foreword/ Description: score- 3-5

As like the title, the statement you’ve used is quite common among various authors and I think it can get a bit overused. Since you’ve added a few quotes from your story, it gives the readers a small insight for what’s coming up next and I think it fits in well.

Your foreword is pretty interesting, I must say and you introducing the story with a prologue is quite presenting. Watching the trailer, I think it shows a bit too much that her letter had reached Kris and he unrealistically went to meet her.

Not to offense to anyone but even though Kris had wanted to, he wouldn’t/couldn’t just stop his idol activities to visit a dying fan/someone who won the medal for him in the track and field summit.

Development of characters through dialog and actions: score- 14-15

Well, you’ve directly started the story off with a fan on her last stretch. I personally feel that it all came too quickly for me. You’ve used ‘last stretch’ quite a few times in your story making it sound repetitive.

I think Kris’ character development had worked out the best starting from him casually doing his job and finding fan mail from Xiumin and Luhan.

To Saehee’s character development, I think that she’d basically be someone dieing except for a few stutters and heavy breathing.

If she was dying, she wouldn’t be thinking of Kris. She’d probably be thinking of how scared she is of dying or meeting her family or at least doing something useful for herself instead of waiting for the guy.

It would be better if you added life into her character instead of doing the usual i'm-dying-soon act. Even making her continuously her lips can add a bit more soul into her character.

Kris could even do his quote, “That’s not my style.” at some scenes.

Plot: score- 9-15

In many movies, your particular plot is very similar to them. Some of it even seems similar to My sister’s keeper but adding k-idols to it differs the plot.
It was fun to read but seeing it being written by a lot of authors has decreased the amount of originality to it.

Since I properly read your foreword, I will take into account that it is not a real life thing and you never intended for it to be. But since we have this part of the rubric up then I must deduct some of your points.

Being a very famous idol, it’s unlikely that Kris would have gotten to read her one fan mail in one million before she’d die. It’s much more likely that he’d have read it after her death or maybe even never.

Realism: score- 20-30

Yuri cried too little. A normal person wouldn’t be able to hold back their tears just for their sister/friend. To be honest I think normal people would be causing quite a stir in the hospital ward as they watch their sister slowly die. Who wouldn’t?

Grammar/Spelling: score- 14-15

Since you haven’t allowed text selection I’ll just type up part of the grammar/spelling mistake.

“....thank you…” - “...Thank you…”

That’s about all that I’ve found. You seemed to have already beta read it.

Overall enjoyment of story: score- 17/20

It was a really good story except for a few things but it did manage to move me to tears.
Having already been reviewed by the most famous review shops I think you’ve managed to get out most of the mistakes.

I’ll praise you, being the first to not contain character profiles at the front of your description/foreword. Great writing!

Review by KirbyK