Burntcrumpets Review

Profile:

http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/614998

Story:

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/654528/cellular-connection-angst-exo-kaisoo

Title: 4/5

It doesn’t give away the plot, but it’s interesting and attracts people’s attention, while giving them an idea of what Jongin and Kyungsoo’s relationship might have been - really close and personal, at least that’s what I gathered from the title before I started reading the story.

Foreword/Description: 4/5

I thought the foreword was very intriguing. It gives me a vague idea of what might happen in the story/between the characters but makes me want to know more without giving away too much of the plot.

Development of characters through dialog and actions: 15/20

I thought it was a good job at showing Jongin’s feelings towards Kyungsoo through his thoughts, and the interaction with Sehun stood out for me too, because it lets me see Kaisoo’s relationship from an outsider’s POV. I couldn’t quite grasp other parts of Jongin’s character except that he’s kind of uncertain in his relationship, though. It would be nice to know more about Kyungsoo too (from Jongin’s POV it kind of gives me the feeling that he’s rather clingy), but i get that this is a two-shot and in-depth development of the characters might disrupt the flow of the story.

The dialog between Kyungsoo and Jongin in the car is slightly confusing as i had to sort out in my head who said what and work my way down. Perhaps you could add something that Jongin did as he said that particular sentence to make things a bit clearer in the middle of the dialog just to clear things up a little. Something like

[“Hi, it’s me. I’m just leaving work.” Kyungsoo’s tone was cheery, but Jongin could hear the underlying fatigue concealed in his words.]

Plot: 12/15

Your plot is really quite unique. It’s not cliche, and it gives me a ‘The Monkey’s Paw’ feeling, if you’ve read that short story, especially towards the end of the story, where you know something ominous seems like its going to happen but you’re not sure what.

Realism: 25/30

I thought the uncertainty Jongin was feeling and the way he kept slipping back into his relationship with Kyungsoo was quite probable, as it seems he does care a lot for Kyungsoo, deep down, but he’s just afraid to admit it.

I won’t be picky about Kyungsoo calling from the grave because i understand its, er, meant to be that way for suspense and all.

Grammar/Spelling: 14/15

I didn’t spot any grammar/spelling mistakes, although i tend to speed read sometimes and might have skipped over any. Still, no noticeable ones! That made it more enjoyable to read haha.

Overall enjoyment of story: 17/20

I thought you did well with the descriptions of different senses like hearing and smell other than using mainly a sense of sight to draw the picture for the readers. I enjoyed the story! (:

Reviewer: Whitestallion