Story Link:

https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/478086/because-of-you-oneshot--exo-luhan-sehun-hunhan

Title: 5/5

Great title. It really fits with the story’s plot as Luhan learns to love again, it’s because of Sehun the anger has diminished, etc. Really fits well.

Foreword/ Description: ⅖

I’d rather there be an actual description giving a teaser. It doesn’t have to be a description either. It could be a small, cute quote that fits with the story. Also, don’t add that there is a character death because that gives away the end of the story. In no story, do you want to give away the end because it then is just boring. With the categories, it won’t draw people in if they don’t have something to start them off.

Development of characters through dialog and actions: 15/20

The character’s personalities weren’t shown very well throughout the story. There weren’t certain actions that showed the diversity between the characters except for Jongdae, who showed laziness, and Kyungsoo who showed annoyance with Jongin. Sehun and Luhan’s personalities were relatively the same and even though Sehun said in his confession about Luhan’s bubbly personality, little was shown of that in the story. Maybe making their personalities differentiate from each other such as Luhan could be stubborn throughout the story and Sehun could be more bubbly. Or something to make the characters different. It’s just like seeing one gray spot next to another gray spot on a canvas with no other colors next to it. That’s very boring. Make sure you do this through the dialog, for example, (this is a quote pulled from my story),

"Like writing your fluffy romance novels of that romance you never had with mom?"

"N-nothing of that sort! Don't be silly."

Even without describing, you can tell that Luhan is an arrogant son and his father was startled by the comment made. There wasn’t much like that in your story. Nor were there any slip ups in sentences. It’s impossible for one to not slip up at least once. But don’t do it too often where each character is stuttering every time.

Plot: 17/20

It’s very overused plot where both meet and have conditions and eventually die in the end. Especially the video message. That is something I have seen in numerous wannabe angst stories. Some of the best angst stories that really pulled on my heart strings had no video messages which made it slightly more unique. Try to think about other plots that you might have not seen yet and although it might be hard to get your head thinking in the other direction of the usual cliche plots, it’ll come to you eventually. If you really need help, watch more movies, read more stories, and you may even go online to find inspirational pictures. Now, I don’t know what you would look up but the genre (I guess you could call it), Anime and Manga (if you haven’t heard of it) is a very good source of ideas. The pictures of anything, really, in that genre could give you many new story ideas. Now that’s just me, but in general, looking at pictures could spark your imagination.

Realism: 24/20

In the beginning, Sehun calls Luhan, “hyung” even though they haven’t known each other for long. The term, “hyung” is used as a sense of familiarity and closeness between a younger to older, as you know. If I were a male and some boy that I had just met a few days earlier called me, “hyung” without one, being even remotely close to him, and two, not even giving permission, I would feel very uncomfortable. Although it might be tempting to start using those Korean terms, don’t use them too quickly into the story if you are going to use them.

Sehun’s confession is quite long when he approaches Luhan. Think, if you placed yourself in Sehun’s spot, what would you act like? Probably stuttering and trying to make the confession as quick as possible. That is unless you are confident that you won’t be rejected. But as Sehun had mentioned, Luhan was oblivious to his feelings and if I were him, I would be very doubtful that Luhan would like me back.

Grammar/Spelling: 13/15

I didn’t find any spelling mistakes.

Be VERY descriptive in your writing. Now you might be thinking, “but I want to let the reader’s imagine it for themselves!” Well, without even the slightest outlining of WHAT they should imagine, they might think that the characters are just in a white scenery and only occasionally when you mention places, will they think something different. Just be as detailed as possible. For me, it was hard for one place to form and stick into my mind.

In the beginning, nothing remotely close to cursing, angry or an arrogant nature comes to Luhan. Maybe just a little pissed. When you get to the end, there are some curse words sprinkled here and there. Do not add those in near the end. It makes the story lose it’s mood and feeling of angst. Also, do not use Korean terms because although yes, it’s cool and all, it makes a story look tacky. Adding “hyung” and “dongsaeng” here and there. Including that name that Jongin was labeled by. I don’t even remember what it was. Some might not know what the terms mean and it could make the story more confusing than it should be.

Overall enjoyment of story: 17/20

I liked the story and it was enjoyable. However, as mentioned above, it was hard to concentrate on the story with the vagueness of it all and some of the unrealistic actions going on.