Story Link:

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/538989/faith-on-us-bigbang-seungri-love-ocgirl-relationship-ulzzangcharacter

Title: Faith On Us score-3/5

The title doesn't make much sense to the story itself. Faith on who? Seungri? Then it would be Faith On Me. But that still doesn't make much sense. Rethinking might be a good idea.

Foreword/ Description: score-3/5

The overall description is very intriguing. It doesn't give away much of the story away and it gives it class. Since the description is brief, I don't have much to say.

Though in the foreword, never use character profiles. I really stress this because, especially in yours, I can already predict the ending of your story. That's a definite no no. You don't want your readers to already figure out what is at the end. Think of it like long, winding a road. You start at the beginning but you don't know what comes at the end. But it's like someone giving you a picture of what's at the end and it's now no more fun to walk down that road. It took away the fun in learning that the character had a dark past. Now the readers know that Seungri has a dark past. J. K. Rowling didn't have profiles about her 40 plus characters even though many of them had a dark path, she doesn't tell you that. Now, I know that you may think, "I'm not even close to being on a level with J. K Rowling." But even so, you're still writing a story, just like she does. It's really no difference, whether it'd be on a website or a published book. Writing is writing.

Development of character: score-13/15

In the story, there isn't much character development seen. Neither are there any quirks or habits that make the characters interesting. Yes, people who don't have many quirks and habits exist in the world, that's just boring.

Plot: score-9/15

It's very plain. It's not very original and I have seen it done many times. It's an overused plot where the two main characters somehow meet somewhere and then get strange feelings and then fall in love in only a couple of chapters. Try to lengthen your story next time. Although it might be hard to do that when there isn't any other parts to the plot except for love. Try to add more elements to the plot instead of just love. You'll see it makes it a whole lot easier to write. For example, my story, He's Only Mine (it's a work in progress title) is mainly centered around the second main character and why the main character is seeing things he doesn't understand. Love and other elements are coexisting in the same story.

Realism: score- 12/30

When making a story realistic, first put yourself into the character's place. Would you directly tell someone how handsome or pretty they looked when you don't eve know them very well? Probably not. Instead of someone blushing all the time as if they were in a shoujo manga, they probably would just stutter and say a quick sorry before leaving. So when Seungri said, "Nice name. Pretty like the person." I want you to think about this: Do you know any guy who would do that when they don't know the person? I'm guessing probably not. Even if it's a story, you still need to make it realistic or else the reader cannot connect with the characters well enough. I can tell Eun-Chae fell in love from the first chapter where Seungri was introduced. It's very possible for someone to fall so quickly, I have (with strong reasons), but in the story, she met him and then after a few sentences, she's blushing and all without any strong reason behind it. It's very unrealistic.

Grammar and spelling: score- 5/15

I noticed that you start a lot of sentences with a subject such as, "he," "she," and so on and so forth. Try not to start your sentences with a subject. It comes off as lazy and repetitive to the reader and that's not what you want. Describe what's around her and her thoughts. Then it gives the reader a break from:

She sat down. Eun-Chae looked at her phone. She then got up.

Doesn't that sound boring and repetitive like a drone? Although you might know what's going on and what she looks like and what's around her and your readers have no idea about what the scene looks like or what strong emotions she is feeling. It's mostly just actions. Think of it like a canvas. White like snow, waiting for an artist to paint. You are the artist and the readers are a canvas. You're words are like the brush. Now paint. If it's not descriptive enough, your art will soon disappear and the canvas will become white again. It will not stick with the reader if the emotions and scenery aren't expressed strongly and clearly.

Another, remember that your readers can put two and two together. For example, "... Picking up the damn caller who called her." The readers understand that there is a caller so there is no reason to restate that someone had called her. The sentence also doesn't make much sense. She doesn't pick up the caller. She picks up the phone, which brings me to my next point. I know you said you aren't fluent in English but remember to always go back and read it over and over again and think, "does this make any sense at all? If I were doing this, would it make sense?" Or, if you're describing, make sure you use the right words. Such as the sentence, "One or two person from the group she recognized but the rest she did not familiar with. Maybe they from other section."

Instead of "person", it should be "people" when you are talking about more than one. "Did" is a verb, action. "She did her homework." It's not an adjective. It should be "but the rest, she was not familiar with." "Maybe they from other section." They what? They can? They might? It should be. "Maybe they're..." "They're" is a contraction of "they" and "are."

The next thing I must say is that there are many unnecessary exclamation points here and there or there are too many. An exclamation point expresses excitement or loudness in the tone of voice. So putting an extra doesn't affect the loudness of the sentence. It takes up space and isn't needed. So just one exclamation point. If you want to make the sentence louder, all caps does a better job than exclamation points. When it's not dialog, try not to use an exclamation point two sentences in a row. If needed, combine those sentences to make one. Remember to add punctuation in sentences they need breaks. Such as, "I'm sleeping is that wrong?" That's sounds like a run-on sentence without any breaths. There should be, "I'm sleeping! Is that wrong?"

There are a couple unfinished sentences too such as, "Well I knew what the meaning behind that happy smile." There should be the word "is." "... Knowing her words making me sad probably." Is she sad? "Probably" makes the reader waver on whether she is sad or isn't. It would be, "probably knowing her words made me sad." "-ing" is used when talking in present tense but since this story is in past tense. There are exceptions though. Such as, "she was jogging." If you already has something that indicates it's already past tense, you don't need to make a word ending in "-ing" into "-ed" which goes at the end of verbs to make it past tense. Remember to try and keep your stories in one tense. Either past or present.

An example of past would be, "she cookED the pancakes until they WERE burnt on both sides."

I can't give all corrections so getting an editor who is a fluent English speaker would do you good.

Overall enjoyment: score- 9/20.

Just as stated at the start of the review, the description is indeed a good choice and managed to pull me into the story.

To be honest, it was not very enjoyable to read whenever I saw wrong spelling/grammar mistakes and I felt distracted. As I said before, having character profiles and literally just telling your readers their personalities makes it impossible for the character to properly develop, like what every author should strive to complete.

With the character profiles, I was easily able to predict the flow and plot the story therefore decreasing the amount of fun for myself and other readers.

Review done by Love_me_love_kpop

and a small bit by co-author.