Profile: http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/326178

Story: Femme Fatale

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/420955/femme-fatale-fxband-snsd-soosun-sooyoung-sunny-tara

Title: 3/5

It’s a nice title but I don’t know what “fatale” means. I’ve searched it up but I can’t find a definition. But, because I like the way the title sounds and I know what you’re trying to say, I’ll give you a 3 out 5.

Foreword/ Description: 4 /5

Nice description! It really pulled the reads in to see what was going to happen next. Though there were some slight grammatical errors, and some sentences I would have considered revising, all in all it was very nice. Now as for the foreward, since you are using it just as a place to say “Thanks for…” I didn’t take the time to read it. I can’t deduct any points for this because I for one also will use my foreward to do this. ^^

Development of characters through dialog and actions: 9/20

The very beginning of the story, when Sunny is thinking about being “forever alone” to the point of Amber and Hyomin showing up at her door, was nice and I really enjoyed. I found the dialog between the three to be quite funny. But then, it sadly just went downhill from there. There was no character development whatsoever once they reached the club. The whole club scene, which was the main point of the story, felt very rushed and frantic actually. There were also multiple spelling mistakes throughout the story which took away from the text even more. Honestly, the only place in the entire story, besides the very beginning, that actually made me interested was the text that you also used in the description.

When reading your story I honestly wanted to click away because I was bored. There were no details and everything moved so fast I could barely grasp what was going on. Also, it seemed that characters just randomly showed up. Hyoyeon as the bartender, who really brought nothing at all to the story, was a bigger character in the story than it seemed like Soonyoung herself was.  Why was Sunny so surprised to see Hyoyeon? That was never explained leaving the readers slightly confused.

Plot: 10/15

Your plot was that the main character gets drug down to a club by her friends and then eventually meets someone she likes. It’s an overused plot but I’m someone who enjoys these types of stories. My only complaint, plot wise, was the ending. The ending felt as if it didn’t match the rest of the story; almost as if it was out of place. You might want to consider adding some more details leading up to the ending to make it flow nicely with the rest of the story.  

Realism: 15/30

Honestly, who goes to a club and meets the love of their life? No one that I know of. Though it could happen, it’s not very likely. What’s even more unlikely is to meet that same person the very next day at your work when you didn’t tell them where you worked or your shift schedule. I’m not saying it won’t and will never happen, but it is highly unlikely.

Grammar/Spelling: 13/15

There were slight grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. To get rid of the spelling mistakes, you might want to consider using spell check before you post. Though it might seem tedious, it’s worth it. Spelling mistakes take away from the enjoyment of your story and are distracting.

An easy way to fix grammatical errors, as well as spelling mistakes, is to read your story out loud. Crazy right? When reading out loud, you’ll be able to see places where you may have used too many commas or forgot to type a word. You’ll also be highly more likely to notice awkward sentences. If something sounds awkward or doesn’t make sense when read out loud, change it.

Overall enjoyment of story: 15/20

I did enjoy reading parts of your story, such as the beginning, but the rest of the story was sort of boring in my opinion. Maybe it’s because I’m not very into girlXgirl stories so that made it hard for me to get into it?

Anyway, by looking at the comments on your story, there are plenty of people out there that really do like your story! This review is made to be harsh and critique any and all flaws a story may have. Please don’t take anything I have said as bad; it is meant to help you. I am also being rather harsh on you because you do have the makings of an excellent author. Please continue on your wonderful adventure as a writer and I hope that I can read another story from you once more in the future.

Happy writing~!

Review by: DailyDoseOfEXO (Manager)