A month of numbness, pain, tears, and fake smiles. L.Joe wasn't sure how much longer he could put up with it, he had said to himself countless times that he would win Changjo back, he would earn his love and trust again, he kept telling himself that he would make it right, and that he and Changjo would get back together and everything would be okay again.
But ... Even though he kept telling himself these things, L.Joe hadn't spoken to Changjo since that night, the two hadn't even looked at each other unless it was mandatory. He hadn't even tried ... He didn't even bother to try, because he knew there was no way to make this right and he wasn't even sure if he wanted to anymore. Yes, he still loved Changjo, yes he wanted nothing more then to hold his baby in his arms again ... He wanted to kiss Changjo again, to feel their lips together ... He missed the faint blush on Changjo's cheeks whenever he held the youngers hand ... He missed cuddling him and just whispering caring words into his ear as they feel asleep together.
He missed Changjo, he missed their relationship.
But he was the one that gave it up ... He was the one that cheated. He was the one that brought this all on himself ...
L.Joe had never felt more like an idiot in his life ...
What made this all even more painful ? Was a week after their fight, L.Joe had found Chunji and Changjo cuddling together on the couch, as if Chunji had been the one that Changjo had dated for two months ... They seemed like the perfect couple, Chunji always cared for Changjo, going out of his way to make the younger happy ... They just seemed so perfect for each other ... It killed L.Joe a little more every time he saw them hold hands, or gently kiss each other ...
Did Changjo love Chunji like he loved L.Joe ?
L.Joe hid his face in his pillow, holding back a scream of agony, it was just too much for the boy, he was tired of pitying himself, he was sick of this pain ..
But how could he make himself feel better ? How could he move on from Changjo like Changjo moved on from him ?
Could he move on ? Did he want to move on ?
Just as these thoughts came into his mind, a knock was heard on his door. Quickly sitting up and wiping his face and straightening his clothes, L.Joe called out trying to say something along the lines of come in, but it was just a jumbled mess of two words. Whoever it was on the other side, seemed to understand what he meant and opened the door.
L.Joe's eyebrows raised when he saw who it was, a little taken back -- Mostly because the man entering his room had a look of concern, something he hadn't seen since he had been with Changjo, he stood there, holding a tray of food, slowly stepping into the room.
"L.Joe hyung ... I brought you some food ... I haven't seen you eating much lately and ... Well, I just wanted to make sure you ate something ..."
L.Joe just watched at the younger came over and put the tray down next to him, their eyes meeting for the first time.
"Niel ... Why are you here ?" His voice was hoarse and strained, he was a little confused ... Why was Niel there ?
"I was a little worried ..." Niel said calmly, though he seemed a little stressed. "You haven't been acting like yourself since well ... Changjo and you broke up ..." He muttered, his voice nothing over a whisper when he brought up Changjo. Even though his stomach knotted when he heard that name, even though countless memories came flashing through his mind, L.Joe held a straight face, there was no expression, he looked calm and unfazed.
But on the inside, he just died a little more.
"I'm fine ... Don't worry about me, Niel." The pinkette snapped, turning his head away from the younger.
"... If you're sure, but I'm here for you !" With that, he shot L.Joe one last look before walking away.
L.Joe poked at the food that Niel had brought him, finding that most of it was meat and small amount of salad, L.Joe just stared at it before turning away. He'd eat later ... Maybe.
- - - - -
It was painful for Changjo to see L.Joe like this ... He was just so lifeless ! The boy watched as Niel disappeared with a tray of food, probably going off to see if he could help L.Joe ... The maknae couldn't help the stab of jealously in his heart, he knew that Niel liked L.Joe, just like Chunji liked him ...BothNiel and Chunji had been upset when L.Joe and Changjo announced that they were dating, in fact the duo had spied on L.Joe and Changjo's first date ... He remembered sitting down in the small cafe, awkwardly holding hands with L.Joe on top of the table. L.Joe had been perfectly okay with showing the world that he was in love with another man, Changjo was okay with it too ... He just wasn't enjoying the stares. He remembered Niel falling out from behind a plant, dragging Chunji out with him, causing both of them to be caught.
Changjo was brought out of his thoughts when he felt an arm sneak it's way around his waist.
It didn't feel the same, Chunji didn't have the warmth L.Joe did ... He didn't make Changjo blush like the rapper did, nor did he make Changjo's heart speed up ... It wasn't as special as it had been with L.Joe.
Sure, Changjo was happy to be with Chunji, he was glad someone loved him ... But he knew there wasn't love ... He knew that Chunji was just a rebound, just someone he was using to fill the hole that had been carved into his heart.
It was wrong to use Chunji like this and he felt bad for doing it ... But, he didn't want to feel the pain ... He didn't want to feel the hurt.
He just wanted to be happy. Nothing more, nothing less ... He knew he was being selfish, he knew he was just going to hurt Chunji in the end ... But ... He needed it, he needed to do this ... And who knew ? Maybe he would end up loving Chunji at the end of all this ...
- - - - -
A long, depressed sigh dragged out of L.Joe, he should eat, then go to sleep ... But.
He didn't want to eat ...
He didn't want to sleep ...
He didn't want to dream ..
He didn't want anything other then to wake up to Changjo's sweet smiling face.
But that was impossible. He should give up, he should let Changjo go, he shouldn't let it get under his skin ... He shouldn't fall into depression like this.
He wasn't going to let Changjo win like this, he was going to prove that he could be happy too ! In fact, he was going to be happy. He was going to get up, and stop being such a depressed loser ... So what if Changjo left him ? So what if he had just lost the love of his life ?
He was freaking Lee Byunghun ! He could move on !
Rolling out of bed with new found motivation, L.Joe only fell back down on the soft mattress.
Who was he trying to kid ? He couldn't move on ! He was a mess ! He had no motivation ... There wasn't much he could do ...
He just hoped that it would get better over time, that he wouldn't have to feel this pain for much longer, then maybe ... Just maybe he could move on as well ...
Until that day, L.Joe was just going to curl up into a ball and pity himself.
Just as he was going to crawl under his covers, the pinkette's cell phone began to buzz.
Who would be texting him ?
Reaching out and grabbing the phone, the boy flipped it open to find it was from the that had screwed up his relationship. She was asking why he hadn't texted her in over a month, she was saying something about missing him ... With narrowed eyes, L.Joe quickly sent her a message back stating he wasn't interested anymore, before throwing the phone at the wall. Why was she texting him dammit ? ! She was the reason for this all ! If she hadn't gone and wore that stupid perfume, he might still be with Changjo ! If she hadn't being so reckless, he might still be happy !
What was he thinking ? This wasn't her fault ... Though, it felt good to blame it on someone else, L.Joe knew it was all his fault. He shouldn't have cheated on Changjo in the first place ... He should have been content with his dancing baby ...
But no, he had wanted more, he just had to give into the lust.
"I'm such an idiot ..." He groaned, sliding under his covers, welcoming the warm embrace they offered.
How many times had he fallen asleep under these blankets, hoping that he would wake up to Changjo's face and find that everything had just been a nightmare ? Far to many times for his liking. This wasn't a dream, this was reality ... And reality . Letting out a tired sigh, L.Joe closed his eyes and waited for sleep to come and take him away.
- - - - -
Changjo stood up from his spot on the couch, gently pressing his lips to Chunji's forehead, the maknae whispered "Goodnight jagiya ... I'll see you in the morning." Before turning away and making his way towards his room.
Though ten seconds later, he wasn't quite sure why he found himself in front of L.Joe's door, hand on the door knob. He had done this every night for the past month, his brain unconsciously brought him to L.Joe's room every night and every time he found himself standing there for at least two minutes, listening for any movement ... Any sign that L.Joe was going to wake up and open the door.
Most of the time, he hoped that L.Joe would open the door, he wanted to see the pinkette's face up close again, he wanted to run his fingers through his pink locks and press their lips together.
Finally, Changjo dared to do something he knew he was going to regret, but he just couldn't help himself. Slowly turning the door knob, Changjo cracked the door open to find that L.Joe was fast asleep. Sneaking into the room, Changjo swiftly made his way to the side of the bed.
Gingerly reaching a hand out, the boy gently ran his fingers through L.Joe's hair, before turning L.Joe's head and pressing their lips together. His heart sped up, his face turned pink and tears started to fall from his eyes and land on L.Joe's cheek.
Pulling away, Changjo couldn't help but quietly laugh at himself, it was almost as if he was in a high school drama ...
Turning and stepping to the door, Changjo grabbed the door knob, tears running down his face as he opened his mouth.
"Why ... Why do I still love you ... ?" He sobbed quietly before turning around to look at the sleeping L.Joe.
"My heart ... It can't be repaired Byunghun ... My life isn't complete if you're not in it ..." He didn't care if the older was asleep, but he was scared he was going to wake up. When the body under the covers started to stir, Changjo quickly left the room, only to run to his own room and hide under the covers.
"You mean too much to me ..."
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