Who knew being an adult was a lot harder than anyone expected?

I opened my eyes that evening, all of a sudden. I turned my head to my right and checked the clock, and it was way past midnight. 

I turned my head back and stared at the ceiling.

What just happened?

I knew what had happened, actually. I was just being in denial. 

Luhan was there beside me, sleeping. His face was as serene as the night can be, and I was here, wide a wake, unable to get back to sleep.

I stared at Luhan's face for a while. Just by looking at his face stirred up a lot of emotions in me: happy, sad, shame, disappointment. I was all in all happy for having Luhan with me in times like this, but at the same time, I felt disappointed and ashamed of myself for being such a weak wife. Luhan gave his all for me these past days, and all I gave him was trouble.

The bout earlier at the bar was probably the end of the thick line. Even in my delusional state earlier, I was able to notice and hear that Luhan cried.

No.

Sobbed.

He sobbed.

And he wanted me to stop hurting myself.

I closed my eyes once again. I really cannot go back to sleep anymore. 

I gently lifted the bed covers off of me, careful not to wake Luhan up. I swung my feet off the bed. I changed out of my pajamas and dressed myself casually.

I decided to take a past-midnight stroll to ease my mind off a bit.

After changing, I carefully opened and closed the door. I'm pretty sure Luhan will be awake later on and would try to find me, but I have to hurry if I wanted to be alone for myself for a while.

I went down the stairs, towards the door, locked the house as I got out, and walked away, not really knowing where to go.

It was the first time I've been out of the house this late. I noticed that despite the deep of the night, the city streets were still high and alive, doing their merry chorus and all.

I walked, and walked. And my feet finally stopped. There, I saw that my feet had brought me to the playground.

I went towards it and slowly walked all over the place, passing by the seesaw, the slides, the monkey bars. I went to the swing set and sat there, quietly as I could. I started thinking. And that's when everything had started sinking into me.

I've been a stupid, weak, and unreliable person. I've been grieving over myself for the past few days that I haven't even thought about the inflictions it would bring to the people around me. To the people I love. To Luhan.

I've actually already told about this to my parents. And they were also very sad about this. My brother, Wonjin, who was very excited to be an uncle, was also devastated. My family. They were also hurt because of this. And I was too selfish to think that I was the only one hurting because none of them felt like how I did.

But then there's also Luhan.

I swear to God, if I could just turn back time, even just for today, I wouldn't have gone to the bar and drunk myself up. I went there to forget. I went there because I thought, I just thought, my problems will be alleviated a bit.

But I was wrong.

I inflicted so much pain on Luhan. And it was evident in the way he sobbed.

If there was another person hurting like me, or rather, more than me, it was Luhan.

He was the best best friend-slash-enemy-slash-boyfriend-slash-husband a girl could ever have. He's given his whole life just to be with me, to protect me, to have every single moment of the day with me. But I wasted the past few days thinking of only me, me and me, when Luhan just did the same, thinking of me. He thought not of himself but me. But I was too blinded to see that.

I was blinded by hurt. I was blinded by my selfish thought of not having a family of my own. And I was blinded by my pride for being a unconceiving woman.

"I'm so sorry, Luhan," I finally whispered in to the air. I wanted to cry. But my eyes were already too dry to even cry. So I just stared at the empty space in front of me, along with all those playground paraphernalias, which my kid would have been playing in.

"I'm really sorry, Luhan," I whispered once again. "I've only been a burden. I wasn't able to make you a daddy, and now you're looking after my well-being more than yours. I'm sorry I didn't think of you first. Now, I think I'm a little bit better. Because I can think of you again. I can see you again. And for you, I'll try to move on. I promise."

Silence. 

If Luhan was here, those were the words that I wanted to tell him.

But I'm not sure if I can tell it directly to him, even though I know I can.

I sighed and stared at the ground.

All of a sudden, the swing beside me creaked, and a pair of shoes stood just beside my own sandals.

"You know, no matter how many times you apologize, I'll still love you and forgive you."

I looked up and stared at the swing beside me, and Luhan was there, also staring down at the ground. He was wearing his favorite jacket, and his hoodie