BGM: Agnez Mo - Things Will Get Better

I peeks open my eyes slowly. I still can feel the pain on my head from this morning. But, oh well, I’ve through a headache from hangover, and that was worse than this. I should thank to someone who shoved the pain killer to me.

Looking around, I realize I’m on my bed, and an orange sunshine penetrates through windows. It’s already afternoon and of course no one in here. How long I’ve been out? I close my eyes again attempt to have some more sleep when my phone went off on night stand. I stretch my hand out and grab the phone. Chunji hyung’s photo appears in the screen. Sighing, I ignore it.

After the call ended, I scroll my phone. The time on my phone tells me in 3 hours my members will be in home. And there’re 3 messages and 2 missed calls. Deep down in my heart, I wishes that’s from Changjo or L.Joe hyung, but I disappointed when it’s all from Chunji hyung.

From: Chanhee hyung~

Niel-ah, I’ve made a soup. I left it in microwave. Get well soon, kiddo! I’m sorry we can’t take care of you there, but manager hyung really scary T.T But we’ll get there as soon as the practice ends, okay?

From: Chanhee hyung~

Nielie, have you awake yet?

From: Chanhee hyung~

Nielie, if you read this please reply immediately. We’re so worried of you T.T

Without I realize, a small smile creep on my lips as I types a fast ‘I’m awake. Don’t worry.’ And send it.

I’m heading to kitchen and make a cup of hot tea after a good 15 minutes lying in bed without doing anything. I stand here while waiting the water slowly turns red and remembering this morning when Niel and I fighting to control the body.

But I really didn’t know who controlled the body before us fighting. I thought it was me since I’m the one who walks to the bathroom, but what made me lost was Niel nowhere in my sight and the unfamiliar hurt in my chest and guilty feels telling me it was Niel who controlled the body.

Is that even possible if we become one? Well, last night we’ve controlled the body at the same time. But it felt different. I recognized it was me and Niel. But this morning.… I don’t know who in control. Its feels really like we both became one.

But the thought of we become one creeps me out. What if Niel win against me and he becomes the one who dominance in this body since everyone loves him but me?

A pair of familiar hands brought me back from my thoughts, back hugging me. “Hyung, you okay?”

“Wha- let me go, Jonghyun!” I said firmly and trying to steadying my heart beats. I’m too deep in my thoughts until I can’t hear him coming. By the way he panting hardly, he probably running from the practice place to here since it’s just a few blocks from there.

His fast heart beats beating roughly against my back and presses his face at the back of my ears. His panting breath tickling my skin causing me flushed red, shivering.

“Changjo, what are—“

“Ahn… Daniel,” I flinched at the name. He… called me Daniel… “Can you stop moving? I’m trying catching my brea—hey what’s wrong?” he holds my waist, turning me around when realize how stiff I am. Changjo cups my chin and search my eyes when I keep looking at my feet.

I swat his hand away from me, push him back and look away but him. “Go away, Changjo.” I curse myself for my wavering voice. He frowned before squeezes my shoulders lightly.

“It’s Jonghyun for you.” He slips his hands around me and pulls me in his embrace. I stay still and didn’t hug him back. “I’ve promised to myself to not letting you go and suffering alone again. I don’t care if you tell me to off; I’ll always stay by your side. I’ll be here for you, wipe away your tears, I’ll fight away your fears and I’ll offering my hand for you to hold it.

“Tell me if something bothering you, Niel, I’ll find way to—“

“Why you hug me?”

“Because you look like need one. What’s wrong Niel?”

“Call me Daniel.” I says without thinking.

He pause for a moment before say, “Yeah, Daniel hyung,” I froze in my place, I felt a chill all over my body but my heart beating faster and I felt… warms. “Anything for you.”

“Can you… can you repeat it?”

I could hear his confusedness and he chuckles. “Anything for you.”

I sigh quietly and push him away. “I want to sle—“

“Daniel hyung?” he says more like questioning it. I froze again. Hear my name rolling on his tongue causing a weird feeling inside me. I really like how my name sounds so soft when he said it. I reached my hands to clutch his leather jacket and pull him closer to me. He automatically wraps his hands around me.

“Hey, what’s wro—“

“Do you like me?”I whisper weakly cutting his word. And he answers without skipping a bit.

“Yes, I really like you.“ He tightens his hug, “so much.”

“Who?” My voice wavers as a tears rolling on my cheeks. Lucky he wears a jacket and can’t feel the wetness I made from my tears.

“You, Ahn Daniel. I really like you.”

“No, you’re not!” I cried out. He gasps in shock and trying to pulls me away, but I clutch his jacket more tightly and press my face to his chest. I don’t want he see my tears. I never cry in front of people. No, nope. Even Niel never do it in front of anyone.

“Are you crying? Daniel, what’s wrong?”

“You… don’t like me! You like Niel. Not me.”

“What are you talking—“

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” I snapped at him and look straight at his eyes, a shock on his face softens me, “you will never understand. Niel and I are different.” I whispers and burry my face to my hands. He never understands about me and Niel. He won’t understand how my feels towards him and L.Joe. And this is breaking my heart about the fact Changjo and L.Joe just like Niel. They never know about me. It was Niel, and always Niel.

“You’re right, I don’t understand. I never understand you.” I feel a pain in my chest. “But can you explain to me? I want to help you, like I said before; I won’t let you suffering again.”

I sighs weakly, I don’t planning to tell someone about my DID condition, ever. But now I find myself telling Changjo everything; from how I through my childhood, how I created Niel and gave him full control of my body and how lately I felt myself become one with Niel.

I keep my head low and focusing my eyes at my feet. And sometimes I steal a glance at him. He looks confused and shocked first, but after me finishing, he smiles softly and pulls me into his hands again.

“One thing I know about you, Niel is never exist.” I look up at him, confuse written on my face.

“You not—“

“Can you let me finish it first and not cut my words?” he look down at me with smile that never faded away. I nod a little letting him continuing his word. “Niel does never exist in this world or inside you. He was just your imagination. You, who craving an intension, who wanted to change yourself but have a very thick wall of pride for your own good, acted being Niel for your excuse to change. It’s just your imaginations to make Niel is real but the truth is you’re the one who acts to be Niel.

All this time you just won’t to admit if you can change. You won’t to admit because your pride. You used to hated world when you’re kid, you always thought worlds are your enemy and you won’t to admit if worlds aren’t as bad as you thought. So you use a mask of Niel and thought worlds won’t recognize you as Daniel. You’re too stubborn to admit it and too afraid if world will reject you as Daniel.” Changjo takes a deep breath from a lack of oxygen after talking that long. Even I wonder how strong his lungs are. I try not to laugh, but I can’t help when a quite chuckle escapes from my mouth and his smile getting bigger.

“You heard it? You just laugh! Do you still thinking you have no emotion?” He’s right... I was just laughing. He looks straight at my eyes. His gaze makes my legs weak and butterflies flying around in my stomach and chest. “It’s means you’re now not afraid being yourself and accepting your changes.” He cups my face in his hands and my cheeks with his thumbs. “You know, you’re so beautiful when you smiles.” I felt it again, the butterflies as my cheeks getting hot.

I swat his hands away again and unconsciously sticking out my lower lips, “Last time I checked I still a man. You should call me handsome!” I think I’ll get an apologize words, instead he aw-ing me and pinches my cheek and bring me to his hug again for the ninth time today. And this time, I’m hugging him back.

“Guess Daniel can be so cute too.”

I sigh contently as he my hair.

“Thanks, Jonghyun-ah. You’re right and you’ve waking me up from my childish dream. And I kinda embarrassed to myself.”

“Yeah, I’ve told you I’ll do anything for you, right? So, now do you believe me I really like you?”

I humming in respond, “Ehmm. But I’ve made a decision. I know this is selfish of me, but I think I like you two equally. I’ve been a jerk and made Byunghun cry, and I don’t want to hurt you both for choose one of you. I won’t… and I can’t.”

“Daniel,” he sighs, “do you understand what are you talking about?” I looked up at him with arching up my eyebrow. And suddenly a guiltiness like a cold water splashes at my face. He looks really hurt. He sighs again and tugs me by my elbow to living room and sit on the couch side by side.

“Listen, Daniel. Do you prefer hurting one people and make the other happy, or hurting two people?”

I pursue my lips, thinking. “Isn’t it more hurt and difficult to move on if seeing your crush with other guy than move on now and forget me?”

“How do you think I can move on and forget you if we’re in one roof and knowing if you available? (lol I write available?)  And what if you like someone else before I can move on? Move on aren’t easy like saying it, Daniel.”

“I know but—“

“Look, you’ve already involved in this situations and you can’t just run away like that. If you said you being a jerk for making Byughun crying, what are you if you make me and Byunghun crying again?”

I’m a… double jerk? Totally jerk? No, I’m a trash. How can I even thinking about run away from the mess I’ve made?

Since I remain silent and swimming in my own thought, he sighs again and says “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t push—“

“No! No! No! I mean… I’m… I’m sorry, this is my fault. You’re right, and why everyone always right? I’m being a jerk again.” I sigh and hang my head down. “I’ll try to figure out my feels about you two.”

“Sound good for me.” His bright smile comeback to his face, I really like when he and L.Joe smiles than a hurt one. Especially if I am who made those expression. “You should ask apologize to Byunghun too.”

“Yeah,” I looked down and take Changjo’s hand and playing with his fingers. “But what if he won’t forgive me? I’ve hurt him.”

“What have you done to him? I know him, Byunghun will easily forgive you.”

“You don’t want to know…” I trail down and looks up at him who raising his eyebrow, questioning me with his look. “Because I can’t stands your jealousy and protectiveness.”

He pulls me and make me sit on his laps as my blood runs to my face, ‘Y-yah!” I hit his chest and move to my previous place, but Changjo blocks me with wrapping his hands around my waist.

“So this is—stops moving Ahn Daniel! So this is something I don’t want to know?” I nods and pouts, he just use his firm voice to me, and I’m kinda scares right now. “Well, like you said before, I’m too protective for my own good, and I want to know what you two have done.”

I sigh again and tell him from when I kissed Byunghun until I asked him to forget about that with a little voice, afraid if Changjo will burst out. I see his face changes dark and he looks straight to my eyes, causing me gulps.

“So you kissed him again?”

“What do you mea—no, it’s Byunghun who stole my kiss! I’ve never kissed him before. So, uh, yeah, I kissed him. But you can’t say I kissed him again! Do you understand what I said?”

“Still, did you use your tongue?” he mumbles and ruffles his hair.

“Jonghyun-ah~” I whines at him with ared face.

He takes a really deep and long breath, like trying to swallow his anger or jealousy? Cute! “He… will forgive you, trust me. Or even he won’t forgive you, you still should apologize.” I nods and playing with his zipper.  “Hey Daniel, I wonder what if I kiss you here?”

“W- what? W-w-why—“ I feel my face burns again.

He cups my face and leaning closer, “If I kiss you now, will you tell me to forget it?” I see his face become closer and feel how his nose brushing against mine and how his breath tickling my lips. He tilts his head as I see his lips leaning much closer than before and my eyes flutter close.

Then I feel something soft and wet on my… tip of nose. He leaning back and my eyes still close for a moment before I open it again. See a smiling figure in front of me, and I bet me blushing like a mad man. I hit his chest right when I hear the door unlocked, mentioning my members is back.

I jumping back from his laps and run to front door.

“Nielieee!!” Chunji squeals and jumps to me. “Are you ok? Why your face is so red?” he places his palm against my forehead. It’s because our evil maknae!!! I scream in my thought.

“I-I’m fine.” he ruffles my hair and walk away, CAP steps in and pats my back with a sleepy face like always. And then, L.Joe walks in and has a surprise expression on his little face. He bit his lower lip, I guess he want to say something to me but he walk away.

I grab his wrist. I cringe as I feel a pang on my chest when he becomes stiff at my touch.

“Hyung… can we talk?”

He just keep silent when Ricky walk in and closing the door behind him. Ricky looks at me with a frown but I reply it with pleading look.

“I’ll take a shower first.” A wavering voice sounds like my death news. I know L,Joe is crying and I want to hug him.

“Yeah… ok.” I says and let his wrist go. And when he walks to his room, I turn to Ricky and hug him.

“W-what hyung?”

I shake my head, “thank you, Changhyun ah.”

Thank you, Jonghyun ah.

“Jonghyun I’ve told you to make sure Niel eat his soup, you big bear!”

Heeello? Look who’s updating today LOL I can’t believe I’m updating right now. I’m on train to my sister’s house now and I’m freaking updating!! I’ve told you I don’t know when I’ll update, but it doesn’t mean I’m on hiatus kay? I just need sometime to thinking.

And if you realize, I’m rushing in this chapter, you're right. I’m not planning to make Changjo as Niel’s counselor in this chapter (heck I don't even planning to make Niel DID in the first place -_-), I’m planning to describe more detail about Niel’s DID first, but well, it’ll take me long to completing this story. Beside I need to finish this story as soon as possible because I need to focus to my college now.

And, uhh, do you notice how weird the part when Changjo counseling Niel? I know this is the weird chapter ever. No? All my chapters are weird. I know. Ah now I don’t think if I want—and you want—I to finishing this story -_________-a