Workshop 2:

Questions of Identity & Belongingness / Death & Rebirth

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Jonghyun's Harem of Kim Kibums

by heartykeykeke

As always, your gift of prolificacy and ingenuity did not fail you. Every time I read your works I am always surprised (pleasantly) by your ability to write so much and so well. I was curious to see how this story would tie in to the theme of “belongingness/identity,” but you incorporated the concepts quite strategically and subtly through the text itself, rather than making it the central theme in obvious ways. I admit, it took me a good chapter or two to really get into the rhythm of this story’s heartbeat because I did not see the crisis automatically, only the comedy. However, as the plot unraveled, you did a good job to deliver more complexity in the characters and the situation behind the situation at hand, so to speak, and by the conclusion I found myself deeply moved by one person in particular—the Artist, whom I feel you did a good job painting into a complex and intricate character. 

Because I offered a review with the intention to help you hone your writing skills, I have mapped out some points that could stand to be revised or considered for further stories, just some grammatical and contextual ideas/suggestions to keep in mind. Obviously, because this story is much longer than other entries, so too are my notes:

Adverbs. This is your biggest crutch—namely, the overuse of them. You can tell by my Stephen King quote in the foreword of this workshop, that I find this to be one of the main errors most writers make (including myself). So, dictionary-wise, an adverb is a word/phrase that modifies or describes another adjective, verb, or adverb; this means the way you are explaining something else (gently, softly, loudly, coarsely, rather, quite, then). Obviously, adverbs are a good thing when used sparingly. The trouble comes in when they are overused. I found that you rely on adverbs to an extreme degree to try and paint your picture—which, honestly, only clutter up the syntax rather than make it more effective. Narrow in on the things you are really trying to say and why they are important—if the description/modification isn’t necessary or are unimportant, just cut them out. Often times, you can reorganize your sentences to include these details in a more effective way (i.e. instead of saying someone “jokes darkly,” you can say “he let out a dark laugh”). Too many -ly words really dam up the sentences and make them difficult to dissect.

• Kibum paused in his daily routine of sweeping the floor and looked over at me with a sweet, pleased smile. --> Kibum paused his daily sweeping routine and looked over at me with a pleasing smile. 
• "Kibum threatened divaishly, smacking my hands at his waist." Let the action show the attitude instead of bringing attention to it by telling us. --> "Kibum threatened, smacking my hands off at his waist with triumphant force." 
• "Then he reached his arms up around my neck and warmly hugged me. I squeezed him tight and put my nose at the base of his neck, his calming vanilla cologne wafting into my nose." A warm hug? Is this necessary? Can't we deduce that a hug is, by design, a warm gesture? --> "He wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me. I squeezed him tight and put my nose at the base of his neck, calmed by the scent of his vanilla cologne.
• "The Kibum had stepped up beside me and draped his arm possessively around my shoulders. I blushed and pushed a bit away from him. I was really not used to this masculine, touchy-feely Kibum at all. The Diva Kibum was dancing, flaunting his fine as he went up the stairs. The Child was poking my side annoyingly. The Mother was still comforting The Artist who walked up the stairs dejectedly, shoulders slumped."
• "He looked over his shoulder, feline, dark eyes growing big in surprise." You tend to lean on the "feline" and "puppy" characteristics a little too much. Once or twice is fine, but I lost count how many times the characters were described this way, and it gets tedious and distracting after awhile. --> "He looked over his shoulder, his eyes dilating in surprise."
• "truly honest" you are defining honesty as being true. This is basically saying the same thing twice, making the adverb unnecessary. Just say he was being honest.
• "He released me but reached down and grabbed my hand and arm firmly. He was sending me this stubborn expression and cute pout." There is too much information here, making the sentence clunky and not as interesting. Can he grab both his hand and arm simultaneously? Would the wrist be a better choice? Can he have both a stubborn expression and cute pout? This gives opposite cues to the reader. You can simplify it easily by saying: "He reached down and grabbed my wrist. His boyish pout was stubborn but cute."
• "The said with a wicked grin, shooting me a heated, suggestive look." --> "The grinned wickedly, his gaze as heated as it was suggestive."

Dashes vs hyphens & Ellipses. Make sure you are using them all correctly. A dash is technically two hyphens and should connect both surrounding words without a gap (press the "enter" key on the keyboard to make the solid line). The purpose of a hyphen is to connect compound words, not to take the role of a pause/breath. Hyphenated words can also take place when one word is being defined by the other (i.e. "people pleaser" should be "people-pleaser" because you are defining what kind of pleaser Jong is). As for ellipses, a series of periods which indicate a pause of disconnected thought or refrain, you must put a space between the final period and the next word; be careful not to run everything together. A "three period ellipses" is used when you are drawing out one sentence into another with no break, whereas a "four period ellipses" is used if it ends in a period/end (thus, the fourth period).

• “They didn't even bother to pause their game--which they had been playing for three hours straight--to acknowledge my presence.” --> “They didn't even bother to pause their game—which they had been playing for three hours straight—to acknowledge my presence.”
• Then we had moved in with some friends from college in a share house[—]the model couple, Taemin and Minho, and the government scientist usually in his basement laboratory, Jinki. 
• If anything happened to my precious Bummie, if I somehow lost him...God, I was going insane with misery just thinking about it. --> If anything happened to my precious Bummie, if I somehow lost him... God, I was going insane with misery just thinking about it. 
• "You can do it tomorrow...[ ]if everything goes right that is..."
• It's not like cloning a person has been successful before and I saw what has happened when it goes wrong--- (three hyphens here should be one dash). --> It's not like cloning a person has been successful before[,] and I've seen what has happened when it goes wrong[—]
• Light-headed --> lightheaded (one word)
• Lab-coat --> lab coat (two words)
• from his short,messy hair to his much too young cartoon shirt --> from his short messy hair to his much-too-young cartoon shirt
• He loved animation and Disney movies and TV shows[,] and he would always force me to watch them with him over and over again.
• "The other Kibums were playing rock[-]paper[-]scissors to decide who got to choose from the snacks first."
• neatly-made --> neatly made 
• Scooby Doo --> Scooby-Doo
• heart-racing --> heart racing
• "-!" I muttered --> "—!" I muttered
• soft spoken --> soft-spoken
• half-asleep --> half asleep
• over-dressed --> overdressed
• down-trodden --> downtrodden
• "I'm the real Kibum...Think about it hard, please" --> "I'm the real Kibum...[ t]hink about it hard, please" (a space and lowercase 't' is needed here; you do not need to capitalize the first letter of a word following a three-period ellipses since it is working a bridge to unite one sentence).
• hide and seek --> hide-and-seek
• blow-fish --> blowfish
• over-sized --> oversized
• no-one --> no one 
• half-asleep --> half asleep
• man-made --> manmade
• breath-taking --> breathtaking

Misplaced modifiers. Be mindful that your subject is always being properly modified. 

• "He was a man prettier than any girl, talented in all things, with impeccable fashion and a personality so moody he was practically manic bipolar." --> "Here was a man prettier than any girl, who was talented in all things and had an impeccable sense of fashion, not to mention a personality so moody that he was practically bi-polar." 
• "We would giggle like school girls for no real reason, our hands linked and playing with loose fingers." The way this sentence is structured makes it seem like the hands are the subjects playing with loose fingers, not JongKey themselves --> "We would giggle like school girls for no real reason, playfully linking our hands so that our fingers would dangle loosely around the other's."  
• "y but also had a sharp tongue and an attitude." Missing subject. --> "He was y but[,] also had a sharp tongue and an attitude." (let sharp modifiy both his tongue and his attitude).
• "I was suddenly attacked by bodies and whines, all trying to get my attention in different ways, some pushy, some more subtle." Can you be attacked by whines? There is a modification meltdown here, as well as an absent subject in the second half of this sentence. --> "I was suddenly attacked by my unsuspecting harem, all of whom were trying to get my attention in different ways: some pushy, some more subtle."
• "I moaned shamefully, my eyes closing and head going back as my body heated and my hardened instantly." --> Why is his moan shameful? I wasn't clear on this reason for this choice. "My body was like a furnace; I closed my eyes as my head fell back against the pillow, trying to ignore the fact that my was ridiculously hard."
• "His squirted hot across my chest." --> "His hot squirted across my chest."
• "The immediately jumped on the opportunity, suggesting lecherously with a wink that we go for a drink. I waved my hand, agreeing flippantly with whatever he said as I plopped on the couch." --> "The immediately jumped on the opportunity, suggesting with a lecherous wink that we go for a drink. Flippantly, I plopped down on the couch and waved my hand in agreement to whatever he had to say." 

Comma confusion. This is one of the main problems I found in this story, aside from the adverb over usage. The most helpful trick I can offer is to think about how your sentence sounds (it’s helpful to read it aloud) then note where you naturally take a breath. This natural pause is where you want to put your comma. Another trick I use is to remember that normally (though not a hard and fast rule), conjunctions are preceeded by a comma when dealing with a compound and complex sentence. To remember the conjunctions, just remember the handy acronym: FANBOYS. If you see a For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, or So, chances are you may need to include a comma infront of them.  

• Also remember to use a comma when separating vocatives, parenthetical phrases, predicates and modifiers. For example: “ 'Oh[,] Jjong,' ”
• he wouldn't pass up a chance to take a jibe at his short, songwriter friend. --> he wouldn't pass up a chance to take a jibe at his short songwriting friend.
• This is better than shooting hearts at Kibum[,] who's actually doing all day instead of being a waste of space and oxygen. 
• "Another [one] kept patting my back[,] and his rather long nails pricked me [more than] along with the studs [of] in his jacket."
• The dreaded Oxford Comma. Okay, this one is confusing. Basically, the Oxford comma seperates each subject with a comma equally. For example, the title of your second chapter is missing a comma beteen "The Mother" and "The Nerd." Essentially by leaving this second comma out you are grouping the latter two subjects as one, and the first subject stands alone. I am a big advocate of the Oxford comma, because it makes reading so much easier to follow. I would consider changing this in your writing. (i.e.: "Not only that, he danced it with more flair, grace[,] and appeal.")
• "I said[,] nervous and stuttering."
• Kibum had drawn our couple name[,] JongKey[,] and hearts all over [it]. 
• I didn't like to think it was possible[,] but his true self could be [t]he [was the side of Kibum] one I liked the least. 
• "Well, this is going to be awkward I thought, seeing as two unknown figures were witnessing me being both ridden and stuffed." --> "Well, this is going to be awkward, I thought, being that two unknown figures were witnessing me get ridden and stuffed."
• "Then I opened my mouth, and popped my hips, signaling I was ready to go on with this orgie." --> "Then I opened my mouth and popped my hips, signaling I was ready to go on with this ."
• "massive,  heavy bags" --> "massive heavy bags"

T and rephrasing your syntax can easily strengthen your sentences.  

• "I was in panic, hyperventilating mode already despite the way Kibum reassuringly smiled and hugged my arm." --> "I was in [a] panic, hyperventilating mode already despite the way Kibum['s] reassuringly smiled a[s he] hugged my arm." 
• "Three of them greeted me with hugs that were familiar yet also not exactly the way Kibum usually felt." --> "Three of them greeted me with hugs that were both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time." (side-note however: there is a LOT of hugging in this chapter; perhaps consider the overusage of this physical act).
•  "I felt a low, husky whisper and hot air being blown on my ear." How can you feel a whisper? Focus on the air of you are describing the sense of touch, not the sense of sound. --> "I could feel the heat of his husky whisper on my ear."
• "I blushed and pushed a bit away from him." Pushed away, or pulled? --> "I blushed and pulled a bit away from him."
• "After fake crying and lots of desperate pleas of “Please, please, please~”, Kibum gave in." --> "After bouts of fake crying and desperate begging, Kibum gave in."
• "The leaned in to murmur huskily in my ear, his more masculine smell and presence making me feel physically weak and ..." Wow there is so much going on here. Make it more simple by t/rephrasing. You won't lose the action or the feel of what's going on by simplifying it. Also, a husky murmur is at odds with itself; it's an oxymoron --> "The murmured in my ear, his masculine smell making me feel both weak and ..."  
• I would really recommend using italics when giving us the narrator's personal thoughts. This helps separate the sentences logically so they are easier to follow. For example: So, so wrong, my conscious screamed. --> So, so wrong, my conscious screamed. / Well, I survived, I told myself. --> Well, I survived, I told myself.
• "I could feel my body shake as he slid his hand in my shirt, pressing hot fingers into my stomach." Again, don't tell us his body shook, show us. Also, I get the concept but saying that Key was "pressing hot fingers" is extremely awkward and needs to be rephrased. --> "My body shook as he slid his hand up my shirt, his diligent fingers pressing against my skin." 
• "Oh, my god.." he moaned with an experimental rock. --> "Oh, my god.." he moaned as he rocked his hips.
• "I felt my confidence and boldness boosted by bounds every glorious, naughty minute that passed. --> "My confidence soared with each glorious minute that passed." 
• my body tensing with nerves --> my body growing tense (tense/nerves is repetitive).

Word Choice. 

• "He had been adorable and without flaw in my eyes ever since we were young" --> "He had been both adorable and flawless in my eyes ever since we were young."
• It was natural that us best friends would share a room. 
• "To Kibum, it was enough just to help his friend and country" --> "For Kibum, it was enough just to help his friend and country."
• "I was in panic, hyperventilating mode already despite the way Kibum reassuringly smiled and hugged my arm." --> "I was in [a] panic, hyperventilating mode already despite the way Kibum['s] reassuringly smiled a[s he] hugged my arm." 
• "He smiled angelically and blushed for the first time possibly ever." Really? He's never blushed before? I doubt it. Also, the "angelic smile" bit would be less trite if reworded --> "He smiled graciously, nearly angelic in a way, and blushed for what seemed like the first time ever."
• "The one holding on to my arm and rather lecherously his lips as he studied the veins on my muscles was unique." --> "The one holding onto my arm[,] and rather lecherously his lips as he studied the veins on my muscles[,] was unique." You overuse the word rather in this story in each chapter. This is an empty adverb that offers little meaning or effect. Just cut it out.
• "play-boyish" --> "playboyish" 
• There was another [one] squeezing my hand and swinging it around like a child.
• "He dressed impeccably in simple yet name-branded, stylish clothes." --> "He [was] dressed impeccably in simple yet name-brand, stylish clothes." Doesn't name-brand imply that the clothes are stylish? Not sure you need both of these descriptors.
• intent-filled --> dubious 
• unable to continue objecting --> unable to object  (you are basically saying the same thing twice)
• You use certain words excessively throughout the text, such as "rather," "nervous," "feline," "moaned," "murmured," "mewled," "fairy," "husky," "hotly," et cetera. Try to incorporate more synonyms. 
• "Ah," I moaned... --> I moaned (the "ah" doesn't really add anything here, and the fact that he is says it well enough).
• wettened jeans --> wet jeans
• written notes and drew in it with markers. --> written notes and drew on it with markers.
• I dropped my hands and kept my mouth in an O with my gums over my teeth. --> I dropped my hands and kept my mouth in the shape of an "O" with my gums over my teeth...
• bed side --> bedside
• the year difference we had was too much --> the year gap...
• "time to waist" --> "time to waste"
• data --> research

Punctuation, Spelling, & Typos. Probably the simplest fix with a careful read-through. This story was the longest entry, so there were more spots to judge from; revision and editing would alleviate many of these issues. I would also suggest going through the chapters and making sure the font size and style are consistent; you can see in the first chapter alone that there are some variances. Keep the text unified.

• You don't need to capitalize the "the" each time you address Kibum's different personalities
• The enigmatic, unique, wonderful Almighty Kim Kibum was my lover of two months[.]  
•  "I had seen Frozen and Toy Story so many times, I had them unconsciously memorized." Make sure you are italicizing titles of movies. -->  "I had seen Frozen and Toy Story so many times, I had them unconsciously memorized." (same with The Lion King and Shrek, etc).
• "Maybe this wouldn’t be an all bad experience, as long as I DID get my Bummie back in the end." Use italics in place of all caps. --> "Maybe this wouldn’t be an all bad experience, as long as I did get my Bummie back in the end.
• game boy --> Game Boy
• playgirl magazines --> Playgirl magazines (LMAO that these were 2min's)
• "I guess because I don't want to leave you. Actually I hope I'm the one.... --> "I guess because I don't want to leave you. Actually I hope I'm the one..." (missing an end quotation mark; only one series of ellipses is needed)
• The Nerd I was also leaning towards....Obviously, I wasn't good at math. --> I was also leaning towards the Nerd... obviously, I wasn't good at math.
• "realistically pleasurful" --> aside from the misspelling, just say "realistic" instead of realistically pleasing 
• "near[ly] slamming my head into the headboard"
• I don[']t have an ounce of cute in me. 
• smilee --> smiley
• "Therefor[e], you are either sleepy..." 
• descirnable --> discernible
• song titles are in quotation marks: "Hakuna Matatta"
• Jell-O, not jello (this is a proper noun so it needs to be capitalized). The same goes for Band-Aid and Amazon.
• straitened his glasses --> straightened
• "Let's go get some fesh air" --> "Let's go get some fresh air"
• needily --> needfully (needily isn't a word)
• capsul --> capsule
• thickskinned --> thick skinned
• weird is often misspelled as "wierd"
• t-shirt --> T-shirt

Tense Issues. When it comes to verb-subject agreement, make sure to keep your tenses consistent. Don't jump from present to past, and vice versa. For example: "I'm almost done, Jjongie," he said as if he was comforting a child. --> "I'm almost done, Jjongie," he said[,] as if he were comforting a child. -OR- "I'm almost done, Jjongie," he said as if comforting a child.

• "Suddenly, I had remembered what was happening later today and I'd gotten worried." You have a lot of verbs here; cut down simply by saying: "I suddenly remembered what was happening later today, and grew worried."
• "I sat down on my bed, feeling mentally tired and just started blabbing whatever came to mind." You have a mix of present and past tenses here. --> "I sat down on my bed, feeling mentally tired; blabbing whatever came to mind."

Other (subject to interpretation and preference):

• "I felt shivers run down my spine as he sunk his fingers into my skin like a dominant male. I considered saying The Top but I didn’t want to downgrade my masculine pride quite yet." First, instead of telling us that Jonghyun could feel shivers down his spine, just show it by saying "Shivers ran down my spine as he sink his fingers into my skin." Secondly, the idea that there is a dominant/submissive role between top/bottom men is slightly inaccurate. The fact that Jonghyun feels being in control, being in charge as an alpha who takes a "superior" ual position is an offensive gesture, especially given their partnership is a serious one built on love. Why would he feel this way? What does that suggest about Kibum if that's what he really believes--that Key is just a woman? That he is not a man? Even an extremely effeminate male, whether he is gay or straight or anything in between, is still a man. This also implies that anyone who, women included, are on the "receiving end" of ual acts is the weaker of the two. Positions in ual acts do not define gender any more than they define personality unless it is meant to be degrading. 
• Some of the dialog does not read realistically; in other words, there are things that are spoken in the textual vernacular that don't sound like what modern-day twenty-somethings should sound like. For example, Jong telling the Child "There, there," sounds like a line from Mary Poppins. Words like "hussy" are very antiquated and not used in normal conversation, nor is it common for people to say "excuse me" when talking to peer/friends/anyone in the 21st century.
• "I still couldn't picture--or possibly it was that I didn't want to imagine--[that] at the core of my sweet Kibum was this cocky, lecherous man. I know that sounds like I don't like him[,] but remember what I said before? I can't hate any of them. It's just he made me the most uncomfortable, mainly because of how feminine he made me feel." You say a few times that Jonghyun dislikes the the least. I find this strange that a man wouldn't enjoy a hyper-ual partner. His reaction to Key's aggressive uality doesn't fit what I would expect from a man, gay or not. He puts down his uality as the adverse side of his "sensitive side," inferring that uality and sensuality are opposite things and cannot co-exist. You use this quote: "It demasculinizes me when you do stuff like this," to try and explain it, but really this only goes up to my first bulletin point. The fact that he feels feminine and demasculated is an example of stereotypic homophobia, which is surprising to see in a gay male. If you consider what that is saying about women, it makes it even worse (is it a negative/powerless/inferior thing to be female or the "bottom" in a ual act?). Most gay men I know do not see their relationship in terms of "who is the male and who is the female" (same with lesbian women), but are more fluid in gender roles/images. I could see this theme working into the plot more if the story was about Jong coming to terms with his uality (and I guess, in a way, there are sprinkles of this here and there), but this story is more about Jong accepting Key's insecurites than it is defining gender roles. The fact that Jong later tells the Mothers that him "being inside him... makes him his" suggests against that Jonghyun is superior to his partner and very dominating. 
• I didn't fully understand Jonghyun's sense of guilt when it came to ual activity. Immediately, he felt like he was committing an act of infidelity by even thinking about ual contact, however being that they were all parts of one person, I wasn't sold on the idea that his character would honestly feel this way. The only thing I can imagine is that his guilt is actually a projection of the true source of his guilt: that he either hasn't been the best partner, for various reasons, or that he doesn't entirely feel "love" for all sides of his partner's character, thus making him question his committment.
• There is so much crying.

Notable Things I Liked:

• The fun of trying to figure out who was the "real one." It became harder and harder to decide, and I appreciated that even Jonghyun got it wrong a handful of times (and nearly completely at the end). The is my favorite character - which probably says more about me than him. He has a subtle complexity that I really appreciated (really saw him awaken in Chapter 7 when the question of cultural homophobia and hypocrisy comes up, and I was glad it did.). But I really love the Artist also because he has the most depth (for obvious reasons). 
• This image: Then he rolled over my body, kneeling over me with my legs forced open, his hands pinning mine above my head. I looked at the clock as he dived for my exposed neck. Still three minutes left, dammit...
• The fact that the 's works in five minutes or less. (lol @ "That man really needed some new hobbies.")
• "The slight pull and warm suction on my even this slow was pulling groans from my throat..."
• "Then me. And don't around."
• The scene with the Artist resembles their first time. This is sensual and lovely.
• "We would often sing and goof around in the car together. Kibum liked pop music and would usually dance and sing enthusiastically in the car. Sometimes rolling down the windows, not caring if people in town stared. But I guess if I wanted to do that, I would have to go with The Diva. He seemed to inherit that fun, -the-world personality of Kibum's."
• The whole Gundam bit, and how Jong assumed Key secretly liked it the whole time, making it easy to catch him in a "lie" with the aid of the Child.
• "He managed to pull off an excellent parking job without any difficulty while me hard--through my , I might mention."
•  "Kibum should have pimped you out or sold some tapes or something. You would make big money."
• Hints of the relationship being strained are littered throughout, very carefully and very slowly. I liked the pacing of it all.
• "I noticed handsome, modelesque Minho leaning against the wall as if he was on the cover of a magazine; hands in his jean pockets, observing us with a narrowed, suspicious look."
• "Kibum knew how much of a prize he was..."
• The Nerd's reaction to PDA was very amusing. As was his "experimental" oral. 
• "The steam wrapped around us, mixing with our sweat..." I love the fact that Jong takes the Mother to the hot springs, because it is obviously very relative to the desires the real Jonghyun has, so it made it that much sweeter as a fan/reader. HOWEVER, water is not a lube. 
•  I smirked and pulled up my shirt, flashing my toned body with the abs and pecks I had dieted and worked out two full years to get. "You need these before you can talk to me like that." 
• "Yes, Potter?" He lightly hit my chest, making me snicker. "Yes, Kimbap?" (reminds me of the Black Night interview where they all revealed their childhood nicknames in school).
• The Diva's: "Listen, watch, and repeat, nerdo."
• I liked the threeway with the Artist and the Mother, and the . I really liked the versatility in the story, though you know I don't like the uke position being characterized as weak, "acts weak and takes the blows," or that it is more "masculine to take the lead." 
• lol @: The Nerd shake his head. "My data says you sleep best after and the emotional bonding that follows after cuddling." 
• "I will miss you too. I promise that I will think of you when Kibum wants to dance or shop and I will be more into it." 
• The Mother's caring for the Artist (though Chapter 8 sheds more light on how his was actually somewhat duplicitious in nature). I really appreciated the gif collection at the top of Chapter 8 as well. I love that the "real" Kibum is the most fractured and insecure one. It all made a lot of sense once we read his POV here. I like that he is aware of this as well, as well as his sense of pride and eventually, sacrifice. The idea that Jonghyun needs to accept all his forms, but also that Key needs to as well. This was my favorite chapter.
• " himself out as an apology"
• The flowerpot/eyebrow-scar story, since that too is based on real events.
• Tae's "tattling" and the idea that Key and Minho are "frenemies."
• Jong telling Key that he didn't know he was so "nerdy or erted" once he has him back in Chapter 9; also, the fact that he only gets louder (and makes Key get louder) once Minho starts banging on the wall for them to be quiet.
• I laughed in Chapter 10 when Key basically said his Mother side didn't do an adequate job at cleaning. Also, Taemin's "blue balls"... this made me laugh also.
• The ending! It was humurous and kept the story going, in typical Onewesque fashion. 
• Overall, you took a complex theme and created something very unique - and entertaining - with it. I'm amazed at how you juggled all of Key's personalities, each one having several layers of depth. Your author notes were helpful to read also, and allowed me a better understanding of your view on Kibum's character in real life. I like all the shades of Kibum, in this story and in real life. He is an intriguing person, one who I agree is often misunderstood and rarely "genuine" unless he feels safe. Again, can't say enough how much Chapter 8 brought it all home. The relationship Jong has with each side of Kibum is different, and I am really glad that he chose the side that is the "weakest" and "ugliest" in some ways. It's kind of like Cinderella thematically (sorta). I read this story a few times, and spent a good deal of time thinking about it after I was through. I think this is the mark of any good tale. :)  

Good Job!!

[...judging is still in progress...]

*Again, the purpose and goal of this workshop is to be helpful, one writer to another. I don't grade by points, simply give you the advice I have received myself along the years. You may take anything I have to say with a grain of salt; it is your story and your emerging talents, so be confident and continue to write the stories that are inside you—be the master of your own domain, regardless of what anyone else has to say. In the meantime, I hope I was of some help.