Workshop 2:

Questions of Identity & Belongingness / Death & Rebirth

•

Symptoms

by onige_a

When you told me that you wanted to enter a “sequel” to Everything for the second round, I was really excited to see how things would play out, especially given the high angst levels of its predecessor. Before I dove in, I re-read Everything just to get back in the right frame of mind, immediately surprised by the contrast between the two. The beginning of Symptoms was the strongest; these paragraphs were among the best written. There was enough continuity to link the two; however, it did seem ostracized in some places—because the style and structure have improved. When I reviewed my critique of the first chapter I could really see that you made an attempt to work on a lot of the issues you had presented before, which I appreciated. Many of these issues, especially commas, tense, and modifiers/repetition are still there, but the evolution of your skills is emerging to the point that it made the chapters slightly incongruous. Should you choose to go back and thoroughly revise both chapters, bringing your tone in sync, this incongruity can easily be fixed.

Because I offered a review with the intention to help you hone your writing skills, I have mapped out some points that could stand to be revised. Many of them are the same points made before, but hopefully the more you continue to work on them, the stronger you will become:

Tense confusion: I suggest combing through this story to fix the tense issues, which only complicate your diction and make it clunky. Past participles and repetition still trip you up some in this sequel. For example: “So far, none of the others had found out that Minho’s alcohol problems had found their way towards the maknae.”  “Back then he’d have had no idea of why exactly he acted that way around the other, but he also came to Kibum with all his questions and wonderings, no matter how difficult to ask. Which made the fact that he was now obviously lying to Kibum even more painful.” -> “Back then[,] he’d have had no idea of why exactly he acted that way around the other, but he also came to Kibum with all his questions and wonderings, no matter how difficult to ask[–w]hich made the fact that he was now obviously lying to Kibum even more painful.”

As does wordiness: “…as the sting on his cheek only worsened when he did so.” -> “…as the sting on his cheek only worsened when he did so.” “Realising his right cheek was glowing and it would certainly catch the other’s attention, Taemin turned the left side of his face towards the voice, noticing the large grin of Jonghyun. In an unconscious reaction, Taemin subtly placed his hand over his right cheek, frightened it’d be noticed, and then moved himself to his bed with the best smile he could manage.” -> Realising his right cheek was glowing and would certainly catch the [Jonghyun’s] attention, Taemin subtly placed his hand over [it before he noticed it], then moved to his bed with the best smile he could manage.

• There are actually a lot of parts that I would cut entirely. For example: “If this was how he wanted it to be, then they had to let him. But Taemin knew that this would never happen…” Cut entire ¶: “And could he actually define it as ‘babying’ or ‘spoiling’? Didn’t they act like this around all of the members? Didn’t Key treat all the others like a child just as much as he did Taemin? Didn’t Jonghyun also pinch Jinki’s cheeks as though he was a cute little boy, even though he was older? Didn’t their Leader feed Key just as much as he did Taemin? Didn’t everyone get a cute nickname like they gave him? Wasn’t it Jonghyun’s reflex to call Kibum ‘Bummie’? So why did he feel like being treated differently? He had no idea anymore. About anything. It all seemed to be a lot more complicated lately.” It’s not necessary to get some much background on how the others react and treat one another; this is a story about Minho and Taemin, not about SHINee. Cut: “If Key said something was wrong with some of the members, especially Taemin, he was usually right. And being the Leader of their group, he immediately decided to listen carefully to whatever Kibum had to say.”
• You tend to hit the same points over and over again, or point out things that are implied. If you trim these portions, it would actually make your story stronger. For example: “Of course he loved Minho, he always would, without a doubt. He figured that if he didn’t, he probably wouldn’t be willing to sacrifice his own being in any way possible to try and help him. But lately he had started to doubt. Not Minho, or anyone else, but himself. What he wanted. Did he actually want to be treated like a grown-up? Part of him did, but another part seemed to be utterly terrified to be left alone. What if he did finally find the courage to tell the others he didn’t want the spoiling attitude anymore? What if they took it wrong? What if they would fully leave him if he did, and didn’t find the need to care for him anymore?” -> “Of course he loved Minho, he always would, b]ut lately he had started to doubt w]hat he wanted. Sure, he wanted to grow up, but he also didn’t want to be alone…”

•  “Onew also gave a little sigh, but not because of the theory itself. He already knew what this was about. Kibum had been suspecting Minho’s drinking behavior to have started with the fact that Taemin hadn’t been around lately. The three of them knew exactly what had been going on between the two youngest of their group. Hell, it had been there ever since Taemin joined their group. A chemistry so strangely perfect it had affected them all.”-> “Onew also gave a little sigh. He already knew what this was about. Kibum had suspect[ed] Minho’s behavior started [around the time] Taemin [stopped coming home as often. They had a way of affecting each other from the start].”

• “But when it came to the leading parts in this ‘love’ story, they seemed strangely oblivious and unknowing of what exactly this chemistry between them was. They were both young adolescents in the middle of all the change a teenager had to go through, which only made it normal for them not to be able to define whatever they felt straight away. Of course, Minho had had his questions about it, actually choosing the Leader himself as the person he could trust with his personal affairs. Back then, Onew decided not to give him the full details. Minho had to find out for himself what exactly it was that he felt towards their Maknae. After all, Onew found it rather wrong to straight out tell the boy he was gay.” -> “They were both young in the middle of [so much] change, which only made it [more difficult to understand their feelings]. Of course, Minho had had his questions about it, choosing the [l]eader as the person he could trust. Back then, Onew decided not to give him the full details. Minho had to find out for himself what exactly it was that he felt towards their [m]aknae[: a]fter all, Onew found it rather wrong to [point out the likelihood that] the boy was gay.”

• “Yes, had all known before Minho himself did. The way Minho acted towards other men, mostly younger and cuter than he was, could not really be defined as merely ‘friendly’. He changed in front of the cameras, of course, keeping his ‘Dream Prince’ image towards the fangirls, but everything changed when these cameras were turned off. He was manly, no doubt about that, and he could easily fool anyone he wanted to fool. But this boy was obviously gay, and it took him only one Taemin to realize exactly how gay.” -> “Yes, [he knew] before Minho did. The way Minho acted towards other men, could not really be defined as ‘friendly’. He changed in front of the cameras, of course, keeping his ‘Dream Prince’ image towards the fangirls, but everything changed when these cameras were turned off. He was manly, no doubt about that, and he could easily fool anyone he wanted to fool. But this boy was obviously gay, and it took him only one Taemin to realize exactly how [much].”

•  “Taemin himself, on the other hand, wasn’t as obviously gay as Minho was. He was cute, not that manly, but then again, he was only 15 years old when he debuted. Back when they were trainees, Taemin and Minho rarely talked to each other. The least bit of eye contact, made both of them turn into little girls. Therefore, the news that they’d soon be debuted in the same group, came as a big shock to both of them. And in the beginning, Onew himself did the greatest efforts to bring all s together, being named the leader for being the oldest.” -> “Taemin himself, on the other hand, wasn’t as obvious as Minho. He was cute, not that manly, but then again, he was only 15 years old when he debuted. Back when they were trainees, Taemin and Minho rarely talked to each other. The least bit of eye contact, made both of them [shy]. Therefore, the news that they’d soon debut in the same group came as a shock to both of them. And in the beginning, Onew did [all he could] to bring all s together.” Cut the next four ¶’s, with the exception of the explanation behind Taemin’s calling Key ‘umma.’ The history behind the other members’ interaction isn’t necessary. If you really want to include this, try to at least summarize it into one solid paragraph.

Commas: You use them too much in places that don't need them and not enough in places that do. I would recommend revising the first paragraph, which mostly read as one long line filled with many commas. Consider revising: “He could feel the coldness spread everywhere, especially over his lower body, so he curled himself into a tight ball, holding his legs close to his chest, and during this movement a painful sting that he was not unfamiliar with ran through his backside, straight up his spine, and made even his upper body shiver as the hair on his arms and legs rose slightly.” -> “He could feel the coldness spread everywhere, especially over his lower body, so he curled himself into a tight ball, legs close to his chest. An unfamiliar, painful sting shot through his backside and straight up his spine. The hair on his arms stood on end; his skin prickled with electricity.”

• His head felt sore and his throat raspy and dry.” -> His head felt sore and his throat[,] raspy and dry.” “The shower had done both his body and the aching pain in his back good.” -> “The shower had done both his body[,] and the ache in his back[, some] good.”
• Remember to use a comma when separating vocatives, parenthetical phrases, and predicates and modifiers. For example: “He sighed deeply, trying to let the thought of being safe and sound calm him. / Only to be surprised again. / ‘Hey Tae.’ ” ->  “He sighed deeply, the deceiving calm coming to a sudden halt as soon as he heard the words: ‘Hey[,] Tae.’ ” “ ‘Is that it Bum?’ he said, only to be ignored by the other.” -> “ ‘Is that it[,] Bum?’ he said, only to be ignored by the other.”
• Make sure you are capitalizing correctly when it comes to dialogue. When there is an action directly following dialogue, the sentence is capitalized. Conversely, make sure that actions linked by a comma are underscored: “Jonghyun, merely blinking at how his maknae looked, smiled even wider. / ‘No need to be ashamed, Minnie.’ He said. ‘The whole house knows what happens between you and Choi when we’re not around.’ ” -> “Jonghyun [grinned]. / ‘No need to be ashamed, Minnie[,]” [h]e said[,] “[we all know] what happens between you and Choi when we’re not around[…]’ ” Also, “ ‘But I’m gonna take a shower now.” Taemin said. - “ ‘But I’m gonna take a shower now[,]’ Taemin said.” 

   

Style/Syntax choice:

• When someone is speaking in dialogue, the sentences that describe this character’s mannerisms/expressions/actions go in the same paragraph. For example: “Only after a few seconds of Jjong’s humming did Key finally decide to reply. / ‘Something’s wrong with Taemin.’ /Onew’s eyes widened at that. / ‘Taemin?’ he said.” -> “Only after a few seconds of Jjong’s humming did Key finally decide to reply[: /] ‘Something’s wrong with Taemin.’ / Onew’s eyes widened at that /]. ‘Taemin?’ he [repeated].” “Taemin’s heart stopped. / He tried not to look at Jonghyun, feeling his breathing turning shallow again.” -> “Taemin’s heart stopped. He tried not to look at Jonghyun, feeling his breathing turning shallow again.”

•  “ ‘Minho’-theory” vs. “ ‘Minho’ theory” or “Minho theory.” I would omit the dash because it isn’t needed. 

•  Don't forget to avoid modifiers: Leaning his head against the door, Taemin trembled slightly, trying not to think anymore. Taking a shivering breath, he opened the door, carefully looking sideways before stepping in the hall.” The modifying action should not take place first in the sentence. 

• “It made Key widen his eyes” -> “It made Key’s eyes widen.”

•  “He’s losing weight and he’s done nothing but drinking!” -> “He’s losing weight and he’s [does] nothing but drinking [day in and day out]!”

• “The Leader” vs. “leader” No need for capatalization. 

•  “Kibum turned himself towards the maknae, making sure his leg gently touched the younger’s.” Just do it. Give us action outright. -> “Kibum turned towards the maknae [and touched his leg with his].

• You repeat a lot of actions like ‘raising eyebrows,’ ‘blinking,’ and ‘gazing/staring in each other’s eyes.’ This is excessive and really offers little to the quality of the story. Cut it, or give us an action that serves some sort of significance. For example: “Blinking, Taemin moved away from his reflection and he put his hand on the doorknob, praying once again that nobody would be home yet.” I understand the characteristic of his, since he does this often (though you also make Key blink many times as well), however make sure it has significance and not just arbitrarily thrown in without meaning. It must have a reason; does this trait signify something like a nervous tic? If so, we need to know this in advance. “Key blinked at hearing his name, turning his gaze from the bathroom door to the voice next to him. Jonghyun was staring at him, an eyebrow raised; noticing how the Diva was pursing his lips and looking slightly serious. Actually showing the face he always showed when he was thinking about something. / ‘The couch. You’re talking about the couch.’ He answered, clasping his chest lightly and turning to the bathroom door again. ‘No I’m not thinking about the couch.’ ” -> “[At the sound of his name,] Key blinked at hearing his name, turn[ed] his gaze [away] from the bathroom door to the voice next to him. Jonghyun was staring at [Key’s pursed lip—the way he did when he was deep in thought].” “Kibum blinked again, now also slightly frowning as if he had not understood what the other had said. Jonghyun waited a few moments, just looking back at the other, until Key suddenly drew a large breath.” -> “Kibum blinked again, now also slightly frown[ed. He wasn’t really listening.] [/] ‘The couch. You’re talking about the couch[,]” [he answered, clasping his chest lightly and turning to the bathroom door again. “No[,] I’m not thinking about the couch.’ ”

T and Rephrasing your syntax can easily strengthen your sentences: “His head could think of nothing but Minho.” -> “He couldn’t stop thinking about Minho.” “…but the thought of helping the other happened to overcome all that. He wanted to help Minho.” -> “…but the thought of helping [him became more important, now more than ever.]” “Whether that was because he wanted to ease his own conscience or simply because he loved the man, he didn’t know.” -> “Whether [it was more for his conscience’s sake or legitimate love, he did not know].” “Kibum blinked in surprise, not sure what to make out of the other’s actions. Taemin rarely acted so… strangely nervous. Of course, he had had his moments when he was younger.” -> “Kibum blinked in surprise, not sure what to make out of [it] the other’s actions. Taemin [was skittish at times, but never so strangely nervous. Anxious].” “In a reply Jonghyun only shrugged.” -> “Instead of answering him, Jonghyun only shrugged.”

• “Jonghyun did as he was told, but gave his wide puppy smile towards the other, to which Key only shook his head in reaction.” -> “Jonghyun did as he was told.”

• “Onew was the master of solving things. Big or small. And he saw it as his job to do so. So far, he was able to heal every wound caused in their group and he feared nothing more than the day he wouldn’t be there anymore to help. / That’s why, whatever Key’s theory was, and whether he was imagining it, or Minho really was hurting Taemin in any way possible, he had to find out. He wanted to hear Key’s side. Because his intuition had been like a female’s: he was rarely wrong. So he ignored, Jjong’s whining as he tried to make Kibum forgive him, and asked: / “Kibum, what happened?” Kibum turned to look at Onew again, shushing Jjong loudly, to which Jjong silently whined, also making a small pout appeared on his lips. / “I don’t know what happened, Jinki.” -> “Onew was the master of solving things[, b]ig or small[, a]nd he saw it as his job to do so. So far, he [had been successful]. That’s why, whatever Key’s theory was he had to find out. He wanted to hear Key’s side. [After all,] he was rarely wrong. So he ignored Jjong’s whining and asked: “Kibum, what happened?” [/] Kibum shush[ed] Jjong [and answered,] “I don’t know what happened, Jinki.”  

• “They kept it at a minimum level, of course, when there were others around (especially Key) but nobody could ignore the sneaking they did towards one another most nights.” -> “They kept it at a minimum [but it was hard to hide the sneaky nights].” 

• “Because the reason that he’s touching a bottle or any kind of drug is me. Me and my stupid ideas!” -> “The reason that he’s [like this] is [because of] me[—m]e and my stupid ideas!”

•  “And that the reason he started all this is because you joined a freakin’ fiction series in which you got to marry a girl?” -> “And that the reason he started all this is because you joined a [fake-as- reality show where you] marry a girl?”

•  “He swallowed as he looked at his umma and realized that the deep breaths he was using to calm himself, were probably making everything more obvious than it already was.”  -> “He swallowed as he looked at his umma, [quickly realizing] that [his] deep breaths were making him seem more suspicious.” 

• “And that’s what Taemin hated more and more. The fact remained that he wasn’t a baby. Not anymore at least.” -> “And that’s what Taemin hated more[: t]he fact that he wasn’t a baby. Not anymore.”

• But confronting Minho, the most important of his hyungs, was a thing he barely could handle anymore…. But the pain caused by seeing the other suffer. That was the pain he couldn’t handle anymore.” -> But confronting Minho was a thing he could[n’t] handle.”

• “I fell.” Taemin quickly lied, making Key raise his eyebrows in wonderment. The Diva nodded slowly, looking slightly suspicious. His eyes now ran further down the younger’s body, noticing that he was holding his comfy clothes and that he was scarcely dressed. Before he had the time to notice the younger’s bruised wrists, though, Taemin quickly covered them again, making the other even more suspicious than he already was.” -> “ ‘I fell[,]’ Taemin quickly lied. Key nodded slowly, looking suspicious. [Intuitively, h]is eyes [kept looking for clues], [however, b]efore he had the time to notice the bruised wrist Taemin quickly covered it.”
• “Especially when Minho finally came to realize his feelings towards Taemin and accept those feelings. So when he finally told Taemin what he wanted, Taemin reacted in the best of ways. Jonghyun and Onew himself were able to accept it easily, actually happy that the hormones that had controlled two boys had finally found a way to settle down.” -> “Especially when Minho finally came to [accept] his feelings towards Taemin. So when he finally told Taemin what he wanted, Jonghyun and Onew were able to accept it easily.”

•  “Taemin roared through the dorm, his voice clearly angry and it stunned the others. Jonghyun had visibly crawled away from the angry Taemin when last said had turned his attention towards him.” -> “Taemin roared through the dorm, his voice clearly angry and it stunned the others.”

• “ ‘Because I was stupid enough to actually enter the We Got Married show! Not just that, I actually tried something with my wife.’ Kibum’s eyes visibly widened at this remark. / ‘I’m not a kid anymore! I’m allowed to do whatever the hell I want with her as long as she wants it too! We all knew I wasn’t gay. Biual, that’s proven already, but not gay! And if I hadn’t met Minho, I don’t think I’d ever liked another guy!’ ” -> “ ‘Because I was stupid enough to actually enter We Got Married! Not just that, I actually tried something with my wife[...]’ Kibum’s eyes visibly widened at this remark. [/] ‘I’m not a kid anymore! I [can] do whatever the hell I want! We all knew I wasn’t gay—biual, but not gay! If I hadn’t met Minho, I don’t think I’d even like guys.’ ”

• “Kibum looked into his baby’s eyes gently, smiling, but as he noticed how his baby didn’t return that smile, it slowly faded. His senses were working in overdrive. Kibum had seen that look on Taemin’s face before but he couldn’t quite define it just yet. But you had to be a real idiot not to notice the glowing of the other’s cheek. / The catlike eyes scanned Taemin’s face, probably taking in every single detail that Taemin had wanted to cover up at least a bit before everybody came home. And as the maknae decided whether it was best to run towards the bathroom or just stay here, Key had placed his hand on his hurtful cheek and he had winced, more out of shock than pain.” -> “Kibum smiled warmly, but as he noticed how his baby didn’t return it, slowly fell into a frown. His senses were [on] overdrive[:] Kibum had seen that look on Taemin’s face before[, though] he couldn’t quite define it. But the glow o[n] [his right] cheek [was too obvious to ignore]. [/ And when he touched it,] [Taemin winced under the pressure of his gentle hand].”

   

Word Choice:

• Archaic syntax/words only distract from the writing. For example: “Taemin moved his head up with a low groan, blinking a few times, for light entered the room through the window behind the bed and it covered his entire face, only to make his head throb more.” “For he would easily kill Minho if he did. Being the overprotective umma he was.” “Therefore, he prayed silently nobody would be home. Because if they found out about what had been going on between him and Minho, they’d most likely try to save him again, even though he thought he wasn’t in need of saving.” -> “He prayed no[one] w[as] home. [I]f they found out what [was] going on between him and Minho, they’d try to save him again[—]even though he wasn’t in need of saving[…]”

• Synonyms! Use words like ‘members’ interchangeably with ‘hyungs.’ You say this a lot. Also, refrain from words like the other, et cetera, which only makes for cluncky syntax: “ ‘His cheek. He said he fell down, but I don’t believe him.’ Kibum replied, now finally turning to look at the other. Jonghyun gave a deep sigh, making Kibum turn his attention towards him, his look practically killing the other. The smaller, on the other hand, didn’t back down but instead said:” -> “ ‘His cheek. He said he fell down, but I don’t believe him.’ Kibum replied, now finally turning to look at the other. Jonghyun gave a deep sigh[ed], making Kibum [glare at him, eyes like fire]. [Jonghyun, however, did not back down:] The smaller, on the other hand, didn’t back down but instead said”. This use of ‘the other,’ ‘the younger,’ etc., is a bad habit that is both unnecessary as it is harsh sounding. “ ‘I don’t know.’ he honestly replied, afraid of looking away from the other’s intense gaze.” -> “ ‘I don’t know[,]’ he honestly replied, afraid of looking away from [Key’s] intense gaze.” “Because, as far as he knew, the younger never had had secrets for him before.” Just say Taemin -> “Because, as far as he knew, Taemin never [kept] had had secrets [from] him before[, making him more anxious to know the truth].”

• “Brother love” -> “brotherly love” 

• “Kibum drew a large breath before faking a sigh.” How do you fake a sigh?

• “Taemin practically yelped when I caressed it! And the worst part is, I just know he’s hiding something!” -> “Taemin practically yelled when I touched it[—]I know he’s hiding something!” 

• “Retracing his fingers up his wounded face” -> “Retracing his fingers along his wounded face”

• “what to reply” vs “how to reply”

• “rough on you” vs “rough with you

• “game and fun” vs “fun and games”

• “…everything would go back to what it was one year back.” -> “…everything would go back to what it was one year ago.”

• “making him more handsome then he already was” -> “making him more handsome than he already was.”

• “check his mails on his mobile” -> “check his mail on his mobile”

   

Logistics:

• Would Key be in charge of furnishing their dorm?

• “…feeling strangely more at ease being alone here than being alone in his hyung’s room.” Is it really strange that he would feel at ease in his room more than in his abuser’s?

• “How could he be so stupid as to forget he shared a room…” Is Taemin really this dumb? Can this be rephrased more appropriately?

• “Did he see the signs of Taemin’s limping after another night of agony in Minho’s room?” Why is he limping? 

• There are times when the text contradicts itself. For example: “So far, if something had happened like this between him and Minho, he was able to cover it from his other hyungs. That was mostly because Minho never physically hurt him like this before.” These two sentences seem to oppose one another. Same instance is repeated here: “Onew rarely got to sound like this. Especially towards Key.... It was still clear that Key didn’t like it when the Leader treated him like this.”
• ist feminization of both Taemin and Key's chracters. Key comes off a little too cliché (“Diva,” The Diva, “Catlike eyes,” ‘Feminine intuition,’ ‘mother instincts,’ et cetera). I understand the Shawol bent towards writing them this way, I do, but it really doesn't add much to the story. You can still get their characteristics across without drawing specific attention to it. Though I liked the explanation behind Taemin’s calling him ‘umma’ because there was an obvious link, Key’s ‘gentle’ touch and ‘caress’ don’t match male perspective. Try to keep more masculinity in your male characters. Another example regarding Key's gendered characteristics: sitting in a ‘feminine position’… why is this feminine? Think about what you’re saying and say it differently. You can simply just describe the position itself and let your readers draw their own conclusions about his femininity. The same for 2min: “Every time he got even remotely close to Minho he started to giggle like a young school girl at the jokes Minho had made (compared to which Jinki’s were hilarious, and that is saying something) and act all… well, like he did now. Answering too quickly, not thinking about his words, practically running to a place because he couldn’t stand being around the tall and handsome boy, … very much like a girl in love really.” The ualization of TaeKey as female is insensitive and incorrect. Can't a boy giggle and blush as well? Can't a boy fall in love? Be careful not to link these two ideas insensitively. Perhaps it would be more fitting to bring attention to the al inexperience and coyness than a question of gender. 

• “Minho needed help. They all knew it. Even Minho himself did, but how in the world could they get him help without the world finding out?” How do they know if Minho thinks he needs help or not? For all they know, Minho doesn't think he does.
• “Jinki found the youngest to be strangely mature. He had never seen the boy act like this and it suddenly got to him that Taemin wasn’t just a boy anymore. In these past few months, he had somehow grown to be a man. And that thought seemed to touch him more than the fact that he wouldn’t tell what had happened. Even he started to believe that Minho had something to do with this, but the fact that Taemin didn’t want to blame him for anything, made him have feelings of respect for the boy, that had never before reached a level this high. He could feel the tears appearing in his eyes and he felt like he could kill Minho for doing this, but at the same time felt only lost for what to do next or what to believe. And judging by the look on Jonghyun’s face, he felt exactly the same.” -> “Jinki found the youngest to be strangely mature. He had never seen the boy act like this—and it suddenly got to him that Taemin wasn’t a boy anymore. In these past few months, he had grown to be a man. He found the fact that Taemin didn’t want to blame Minho for anything to be respectable, though he didn’t necessarily agree with his decision.” I don’t think anyone would, in their right mind, respect a person for protecting their abuser. That is why I rephrased the heart of this paragraph this way. 
• “We won’t blame him if you don’t want us to,” seems to put even more fault on the abused in place of the abuser. This makes Onew seem like an enabler, to be honest.  

Notable Things I Liked:

• I am glad you wrote a sequel. Though the first chapter could stand alone without it, I liked the additional information. This chapter added insight into Taemin’s thoughts, emotions, and memories, which I appreciated, though I would have liked to have seen Minho make an appearance. I think his thoughts, emotions, and memories would make a fantastic third chapter.
• The conflict in Taemin's character is easy to understand and sympathize. He is the strongest character in both chapters; stay in his POV more than the other members', because they are not as important in this story. I like that it is hard for him to put blame on Minho entirely; I like that his love for him makes things convoluted and hard to fully understand or define. I feel his struggle is real -- and, like Onew, can admire that (though I still blame the out of Minho, sorry). To me, this was the thing that actually made me feel this story was appropriate to both prompts, because Taemin has difficulty defining his identity and belongingness as well.
• “I hope to God his face looks worse than yours. Or I’ll make it worse.”
• “For the first time he thought everything could be solved, if not just right away. All the pain. All the worries. All the symptoms.”
• I like how the conclusion is open-ended but hopeful, and that we can clearly feel the bond between the group on the level of family instead of simply colleagues (another reason why I really want to see Minho's POV). If I had any lasting suggestions for you to strengthen your storytelling abilities, it would to a) make strong characters without leaning on cliches by allowing them to take shape through their words and actions in place of decriptions, b) avoid saying the same thing several times and find a way to do it succinctly on the first try. If you can master this, you will find that your stories will be even more compelling.
• I want to end this review by clearly stating that, especially judging by my past notes, you have definitely improved!! I am really happy to see this, and I was really happy to read this. Good job!

Good Job!!

[...judging is still in progress...]

*Again, the purpose and goal of this workshop is to be helpful, one writer to another. I don't grade by points, simply give you the advice I have received myself along the years. You may take anything I have to say with a grain of salt; it is your story and your emerging talents, so be confident and continue to write the stories that are inside you—be the master of your own domain, regardless of what anyone else has to say. In the meantime, I hope I was of some help.