Workshop 2:

Questions of Identity & Belongingness / Death & Rebirth

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Urban Legends: Manananggal

by SimplyAsian

Very neat idea! Thankfully, the foreword gave a bit of direction where this story was headed, though it could have been worked into the text either way (I personally liked that it was included before I started reading). I admit, I had never heard of a manananggal before and had to do a bit of extra research to understand its orgins and context, along with quite a few grisly artist renditions... 

Moving on... because I offered a review with the intention to help you hone your writing skills, I have mapped out some points that could stand to be revised. Many of them are the same points made before, but hopefully the more you continue to work on them, the stronger you will become:

Tense confusion: Because this story is in Key's POV (which you could have left off notating in the beginning), tense confusion is your biggest hurdle in the text. I suggest combing through this story to fix the tense issues, which only complicate your diction and make it clunky. Past participles and repetition trip you up some. For example, the very first sentence of the text: “I was already awake but my body doesn’t seem to respond as I continued to lie on my bed.”  All the bold words are indicators of tense. If you were to choose present tense, it would read: "I was awake, sure, but my body wasn't responding to my need to get up; all I could do was lie motionlessly on my bed, completely void of energy." Whichever tense you choose is up to you -- just make sure it's consistent throughout the entire text!

• "And with that, Taemin and Minho left my room as I head towards my closet to pack my stuff." --> "And with that, after Taemin and Minho left my room, I headed towards my closet to pack."
• "Before I could say anything, the cab driver said that we were here. We paid the fare and grabbed our luggage as we head towards the boat. The boats were huge and there were multiple ones." These tenses do not align. --> "Before I could say anything, the cab driver said that we were there. We paid the fare and grabbed our luggage [before heading] towards the boat[, just one of many dozens riding the small waves]."

Comma confusion. This is your second struggle in this story. The most helpful trick I can offer is to think about how your sentence sounds (it’s helpful to read it aloud) then note where you naturally take a breath. This natural pause is where you want to put your comma. Sometimes a semicolon is a better option than a comma, dashes also, especially if you are having trouble linking fragments or incongruent thoughts together. I recommend you use both of these lovely devices. Where a semicolon indicates a pause between main clauses (longer than a comma), a colon separates two clauses in which the second clause expands or illustrates the first. Spend some time reading aloud in order to understand the importance of these pauses and where you feel they should go. 

• You must also remember to use a comma when separating vocatives, parenthetical phrases, and predicates and modifiers. For example: “ 'No[,] you don’t,' I said[,] facing Taemin now. I tried again to make Taemin tell me. / 'Yes[,] I do,' Taemin [snapped back quickly].”
• “Sorry hyung.” -> “Sorry[,] hyung.”
• Make sure you are capitalizing correctly when it comes to dialogue. When there is an action directly following dialogue, the sentence is capitalized. Conversely, make sure that actions linked by a comma are underscored: “ 'Aww... You’re up. I wished you stayed in bed,' Jonghyun said with a wink.” ->  “ 'Aww... [y]ou’re up. I wished you stayed in bed,' Jonghyun said with a winked.”
• There should only be a comma separating an act and a quote if it is controlled by a fluid sentence. For example: "Jonghyun went to where Minho was and smacked him in the head, 'You idiot!' " Does not offer one sentence, but two. Therefore, you would revise accordingly: "Jonghyun went [over] to where Minho was and smacked him in the head[.] 'You idiot!' " 
• “Ooohh... what will you do to me[,] huh?"
• “Which one[,] hyung?” Minho asked.
• "The boat ride was relaxing, as always I sat beside Jonghyun as he held my hand the whole time." You have two dependant clauses here so use a semicolon to attach them --> "The boat ride was relaxing[;] as always I sat beside Jonghyun as he held my hand the whole time."
• “Happy birthday[,] sweetie”
• “Yeah... by the way[,] what’s your name[?]” Taemin asked.
• " 'I don’t mean to be rude[,] hyung[,] but I need food... unless you're willing to put up with my irritability.' / 'Why[,] what have you heard[,] hyung?” Taemin asked."
• “I just don’t think it’s a good idea to wander [around] tonight[,] Minho."
• “Are you coming with me[,] Tae[,] or are you staying?” Minho stopped by the door [and waited] as he looked towards Taemin’s direction.
• “Stay together and don’t separate[,] okay?”
• “I guess[,] but regardless, I don’t want to go anywhere tonight,” Onew said. 

Dashes vs hyphens. Make sure you are using them both correctly. A dash is technically two hyphens on your keyboard, and should connect both surrounding words without a gap. 

• For example: “ 'Ya... One- he’s not a minor anymore so stop treating him like one. Two- I’m still sleeping since we have a day off today. Three- I’m not anyone’s mother so leave me alone! I want to sleep. And four- I am not waking up to make breakfast,' I yelled.” -> “ 'Ya... [o]ne[—]he’s not a minor anymore[,] so stop treating him like one. Two[—]I’m still sleeping since we have [the] day off today. Three[—]I’m not anyone’s mother[,] so leave me alone! I want to sleep. And four[—]I am not waking up to make breakfast,' I yelled.” Did he literally yell this? You use this verb A LOT in the text but rarely do I beleive that the characters are literally yelling at each other. Make sure your word choice matches the actions you are suggesting. (Also, “Yah... get a room,' Minho yelled." Really? If he was really yelling this, there would be a good long "!")

• In the case where you offer no punctuation at all, I felt a dash was most appropriate: “I looked at everyone and everyone gave a satisfying smile except for Onew.” -> “I looked at everyone and everyone gave a satisfying smile[—]except for Onew.”

Repetitious syntax and implied information. You do a good job at keeping the storyline brief for the most part, though there are some things that could stand to be trimmed. Here are a few examples:

• “What part of ‘I am not waking up yet’ do you not understand?” I yelled at the loud obnoxious person named Kim Jonghyun.
• “I looked at Jonghyun and saw that he was giving Taemin a look. When Jonghyun saw me look at him, he looked at me suspiciously and gave a fake smile. They’re hiding something from me. / I looked at Taemin and he looked away as I tried to meet his eyes. / 'Taeminnie...' I called as I tried to look at his eyes. He avoided looking at me.” That's far too many look/looks!! Also, reading this the second time, it makes me question the level of Taemin's "secrets"... does he know even more than we realize? Same goes for the later paragraph: “I looked at them and saw that Jonghyun looked like he was going to murder Minho. Minho looked at Jonghyun apologetically and Taemin just avoided looking at anyone.” In order to strengthen your writing, learn to avoid using words repetitiously. You can say the same thing much more effeciently without it.
• “Sorry[,] hyung. Onew hyung started to mak[ing] food since he finished packing already[;] and said that we have to leave in about an hour or so,” Minho said[,] as he earn[ing] another smack in the head from Jonghyun.
• “ 'We are,' Taemin asked. 'We’re going to the Philippines! We're going to an island called Camiguin. Jonghyun planned it as a surprise for your birthday,' Taemin announced." First, Taemin is not asking anything in the beginning; second, you have him announcing something directly after, which is basically superfluous and needless. Just say instead: “ 'We are,' Taemin replied/answered. 'We’re going to the Philippines, to [the] island [of] Camiguin[—]Jonghyun planned it as a surprise for your birthday!' "
• "Once Taemin finished what he was saying, I saw the look on his face when he told me the surprise. He covered his mouth and looked terrified. / Before anyone said something, I quickly went closer to Jonghyun and gave him a peck on the lips. 'Don’t slap my baby. You slap him, I’ll slap you,' I said to Jonghyun. Jonghyun looked at me surprised. 'Thanks for the surprise,' I said and kissed him on the lips again." Don't be fooled - there is such a thing as TOO MANY SURPRISES! 
• “Food is already ready. Let’s eat so we can go soon.” --> “Food is already ready. Let’s eat so we can go soon.”
• The several two-sentence paragraphs about the airport destination, travel, etc., is underwhelmingly redundant and adds little to the story. You can just as easily move the plot along with a concise version of this. Remember that a standard paragraph is at least five sentences in length. You have a lot of choppy quasi-paragraphs that should be rightfully joined together. The purpose of a paragraph is to indicate a transition either in time or event. 
• “Why are you yelling at me? I admit it’s my fault[,] but why are you yelling at me[?]” Jonghyun yelled back.
• "We followed her as we continued to walk for a good 10 minutes until the sight of the pier disappeared. We were slowly approaching what seemed to be a [small] villa[ge] of huts." Villas are single, expansive estates. I am assuming you mean village.

Typos & Punctuation & Word Choice. Again, a good read-through would probably reveal a lot of these things to you easily. They’re pretty simple mistakes that were more than likely just overlooked.  

• “It might’ve started when Taemin caught us doing , calling each other mommy and daddy” -> Do you mean "caught us in the middle of "? The syntax here is awkward. 
• “ 'Who’s leaving,' I asked". --> “ 'Who’s leaving[?]' I asked." If he is asking a question, you would need to indicate this with a question mark, not a comma.
• “Technically we are in a room,” Jonghyun said with a smirk as he continued to kiss me. --> “Technically we are in a room,” Jonghyun smirked as he continued to kiss me.
• “I could only bargain 4 days off from manager hyung so we’re in the island for a few days.” --> “I could only bargain four days off from manager hyung[,] so we’re on the island for a few days.”
• “ 'That’s why you shouldn’t underestimate the Almighty Key,' I said with a smirk." --> “ 'That’s why you shouldn’t underestimate the Almighty Key,' I smirked."
• "We didn't go for a washroom break" --> I just don't know how if five adult men would really say it like this. Doesn't seem so. Same for "6 in the evening"; I think it would be more likely that they would say, "Six at night."
• “ 'I didn’t bring flip flops,' I whispered to Jonghyun. / He just gave me a quick wave and said, 'Don’t worry. We’ll just buy one.' " A pair of flip-flops would be plural. --> “ 'I didn’t bring flip-flops,' I whispered to Jonghyun. / He just gave me a quick wave and said, 'Don’t worry[: we’ll just buy some/a pair].”
• “ 'I don’t know,' Onew replied. 'Jonghyun hyung didn’t give me any hotel itinerary,' Onew continued." Because Onew is the eldest, Jonghyun would not be his hyung. --> “ 'I don’t know,' replied Onew, 'because Jonghyun didn’t give me a hotel itinerary...' "
• “What do you suggest? Are we not eating until tomorrow?” Minho said in annoyance. --> “What do you suggest—not eating until tomorrow?” Minho asked, annoyed.
• when I heard two voices scream" --> "when I heard two voices scream

Style/Syntax choice:

• I would recommend putting all of Key's "internal babble" portions in italics to separate it from the point of view.
• “Okay...I guess we can all squeeze in the bed." There should be a space after the final period in the ellipses which separates the immediate word thereafter. --> “Okay... I guess we can all squeeze in the bed."

Notable Things I Liked:

• I was super happy to see some folklore here!! Especially because I knew nothing about this ghoulish filipino nightmare... I kind of liked the mystery how we didn't really see the terror, only heard it and filled in the blanks with our own imagination. I was wondering why, however, that Jonghyun had to bring the boys to the Phillipines... can she not travel outside the country? I was confused at how she spoke Korean also. Is this a spiritual gift that these demons have, the ability to use any language? How was it that Jonghyun was able to make a "pact" with this demon--had he seen her before? At what point was he "branded" with the omen-tattoo? So many questions... I kind of felt that it would have been slightly more effective if Jonghyun was actually getting some sort of revenge on Kibum especially (say, perhaps, payback for the infidelity we see hinted at through TaeKey's "" in the beginning), given his closeness with him throughout the text. It was a little jarring to think that he totally loved him but didn't have an ounce of emotion over causing his own murder. A streak of vengeance, however, would give an ample understanding as to why he would so easily and so readily exchange the love of his life over for immortality (because, if he really is immortal now, he will forever have to remember the fact that he killed his beloved for no reason).
• All in all, this was very creepy and I was glad to see them all murdered, as sadistic as that sounds. Very nicely done!! I really enjoyed the read. 

Good Job!!

[...judging is still in progress...]

*Again, the purpose and goal of this workshop is to be helpful, one writer to another. I don't grade by points, simply give you the advice I have received myself along the years. You may take anything I have to say with a grain of salt; it is your story and your emerging talents, so be confident and continue to write the stories that are inside you—be the master of your own domain, regardless of what anyone else has to say. In the meantime, I hope I was of some help.