Workshop 2:

Questions of Identity & Belongingness / Death & Rebirth

•

وجود

by Isadora_Quagmire

         My initial reaction was how beautifully laid out and designed the forward is to this fic. I was fascinated with the images as well as the striking quote from Mirza Asadullah Khan Ghalib, but also the A/N explaining the meaning/significance of the title itself. Looking back in retrospect, however, I was surprised you marked it R for rating, considering there wasn’t much in terms of mature themes aside from some vulgarities here and there. 

         Now, to the story: I was extremely intrigued by the play format, a choice that isn’t seen too often, especially in fanfiction. The prologue doesn’t necessarily read like one, but the words “ACT ONE” told me all I needed to know. The layout of the italicized portions in this chapter were striking and reminded me of George Herbert’s “Easter Wings,” which was also written in carmina figurata. The thing I would have liked to seen here was a playbill listing the actors/actresses and their parts, given this is following a play format. I think that would help alleviate some of the confusion over who is who at times, given several of them play many parts (and personalities).

         Which brings me to the amount of works alluded to in this text. I loved it. Especially the Shakespeare, since I have a weak spot for ’ol Bill Shakes, especially As You Like It—not to mention the metaphor is quite apt given the context and characterization of your work (as were many other of the excerpts you chose for your main character to deliver). Given that, I would recommend formatting your allusions that call out the works by name with the aid of italics for a smoother, less confusing read. Many readers, I’m assuming, are unfamiliar with those texts and something so simple as lack of formatting can make the unfamiliarity even more confusing (“Why are these words all in caps?”). In the same vein, I would recommend either putting the action cues in bold or italics to help separate the text.

         Characterization. I absolutely loved Taemin’s character in this play. He was intriguing and I was left wanting to know more about him, as well as his ambiguously defined relationship with Kibum—not that I felt you did not offer enough, but that I was so invested in them as protagonists that the spaces and silences between the words captivated me. Kibum’s multiplicity is very interesting, especially given that it is tied to all his roles. I also enjoyed the fact that you made Taemin and Kibum both in their thirties, as well as grounding the story in a very realistic sense of the performing arts scene in Korea. Lastly, I found Kibum’s blunt honesty with Minjung in the interview to be refreshing. And can I just point out these lines: “Minjung: (sits up straighter) Then... are you still in love with Lee Eonsook ssi? / Kibum: On some days, yes. But not today. / Minjung: That’s a very strange answer. / Kibum: Well, I'm a very strange man!” I sort of wondered if he was going to end up killing Eonsook... and I sort of wanted him to.

         I loved the play-within-a-play concept, especially the imagery and symbolism of the strings and all their various colors. Sure, it’s not entirely original, but it’s interesting; focusing on the “play” of interacting actors/actresses who are stripped of their makeup and falsities is a very good theme. I like that it is not chronological. You had a lot of great diction and memorable words, as always, given you are so strong a writer. This allowed the text to flow well, arousing my interest immediately and keeping it piqued through the entire play.

         ACT THREE: Scene Three, is probably my favorite portion of the entire play and, if I could, I would quote the whole thing as my “Notable Things I Liked” portion. Also 3:4—it was amusing to see Taemin stumble with the Elizabethan lingo. Very funny. You don’t have to worry about copyright issues with Shakespeare’s stuff; pretty sure it’s Public Domain by now (the U.S. is about 100 years, so even still, I think the whole world is covered).

         In terms of formatting (besides the before mentioned suggestions), there really isn’t much I can add. You are a strong writer, like I said, much stronger than the majority of us, and your works are always haunting, uniquely cerebral, intelligent, and marginal in errors. The only thing I could say is that when using ellipses, make sure you are only using three periods (...) when pausing in a single sentence. If you are linking one sentence to another, or starting a new sentence altogether, you need to use four periods (....). Also, I noticed you had a fragment in this line that I wasn’t sure needed to be there: “Junghee: Pssht! (looks out to the stage) Anywho, the point is. What’s stressing me out is not Kibum at all...” Maybe a colon would be more fitting than a period here?

         My final suggestion is to fix the ending. It’s too abrupt and I didn’t feel the characterization lent to the quickness of the pairing, more that it was working slowly up to it. There is too much unresolved by the close. I felt like you were disenchanted with your work and simply wanted it to be over. It can definitely stand if you like, but I think it’s worthy of a little more labor. I can’t say it enough: you are an incredible writer with skills of a different caliber. You have a grace of words—you can say the most haunting things with mellifluous, carefully restrained beauty, and everything you scribble and pen is like a page for your portfolio of perfection. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

Good Job!!

[...judging is still in progress...]

*Again, the purpose and goal of this workshop is to be helpful, one writer to another. I don't grade by points, simply give you the advice I have received myself along the years. You may take anything I have to say with a grain of salt; it is your story and your emerging talents, so be confident and continue to write the stories that are inside you—be the master of your own domain, regardless of what anyone else has to say. In the meantime, I hope I was of some help.