[Soomi]

The trip back to soul land seemed longer than normal. It was like catching a plane from Korea to Seattle, that's exactly how I felt.

As soon as we arrived at the place Sunye had to stop at some other place first. I stood outside waiting impatiently for her to come out, I would have rebelled and fly straight to Eunmi but there was two problems: 1) I didn't know how to fly anymore and 2) the whole population of girls at soul land was focusing on no one but me. I guess news travels fast.

I turned my back around from everyone so I could see myself from the mirror that was behind me. I saw a reflection of a girl, a girl who doesn't look that familiar but I feel like I've seen her before.

She had short pixie hair just like I use to have. Her lips were beautifully red standing out from her pale white skin. Her eyes weren't so small but just right for her. She hardly looked Asian or Korean for that matter – she looked half-cast. I lifted my right hand to feel this girl's face and as I brush against her perfectly smooth skin; I couldn't help but get goose bumps.

This girl's face was too perfect – too perfect for someone like me.

I stared at this girl longer trying to process in my head that this is how I look like now and maybe this is the face that Jay saw when he told me I didn't look like – Soomi. Silly as this may sound; this Soomi isn't the Soomi I know. I glanced down my feet only to realise that I was a bit taller that I normally was. I never really know why people were so afraid of changes but now I do.

It's that fear of not being able to cope with the new things.

It's that fear of not being able to do what you use to do.

That fear of not recognizing yourself, the fear of losing what you had.

When I had enough staring at ‘myself’, I turned my back away from me. As soon as I was facing the crowd again, a small soul came my way. She looked at me with her beautiful hazel eyes, small pink lips and her red blushing cheeks. I stared at her just as hard as she was staring at me, then she smiled. 'Smiling' was something I could not do right now, I was too worried to release a smile.

“I know you” the little girl said. At first I couldn't get what she was saying, she was like a 5 year old kid trying to make a conversation with an older version of her.

“Ah okay” I replied then unlocked my gaze from her. I heard her giggle but I didn't look again.

“You're the girl who fell in love with Jay~Oppa” she continued. The word 'Jay' softened my stubborn head; I quickly bent down to the little girls’ height and held her from both sides of her body. I wasn't hurting her by the way.

“You know Jay?” I asked politely. She nodded her head then a grin formed on her face. I released her slowly, and then she dropped down to my height sitting down next to me. She held onto my hand cooling down all my unwanted emotions; so this is how it feels like whenever I touch Jay.

“Jay~Oppa and the rest of the Oppa's tried to save my life 2 months ago but well as you can see they couldn't” she started to explain.

“What was wrong with you?”

“I had leukemia and needed a bone marrow transplant but because I didn't have any siblings and there's a one in a million chance that someone would have the same bone marrow as me, they couldn't save me” she answered sounding so brave but there was a big hint of sadness in her tone. It was heartbreaking to see a little girl die just like that; she didn't even get to do anything.

“None of the 2PM Oppa could make me laughs the way Jay~Oppa could. That's probably why I wanted to keep living my life. He gave me hope and inspiration. He told me all about the hard days he bared back in his trainee days and I told me; “If he could do it, why can't you?” He was the big brother I've been praying for. I'm only five years old but   I understood everything he said because he made me understand.” she continued.

I didn't know whether to feel happy because my boyfriend is inspirational or feel sad.

“But you know God took me back in his arms when no one else wanted me, I mean when my parents abandoned me. Jay~Oppa loved me, he really did and I loved him too; I'm just sorry I didn't get to stay with him longer. I promised him that I would be there to watch him gets married and owned those B-Boy dancers one day but I broke my promise... Could you just tell him I'll be watching from up there?” She said while pointing up the heaven. I nodded my head as a tears stream down my face, human emotions are hard to control... it’s not fair.

I want to be numb again.

She let go of my hands then stood up. She stood in front of me and landed a kiss on my forehead, after she released a smile and said: “He's lucky to have someone like you. I saw how much you love him; take care of Oppa for me. Tell him his little angel loves him and will be missing him... Tell him Angel approves of you.”

And with just that she disappeared.

“Let's go” I heard Sunye said behind me. I quickly stood up and started wiping my tears away. The pain yet happiness in her face were hard to understand, I felt bad for her... I wanted to hurt for her.

“I didn't even get to ask her how she met Jay” I muttered to myself.

“Have you been crying?” Sunye asked panicking as she holds onto my chin, looking at my eyes. I nodded my head then her hands suddenly gripped onto my wrist like it was life or death on the line right now.

I looked at Sunye's face and her expressions wasn't giving away too much, she was careful with whatever it is she's hiding from me.

-

We finally reached Eunmi's place.

Fate wasn't outside to my surprise, instead there was two young man standing by the door trying to keep themselves together but one of them was about to fall apart. I tried going inside his head but it wasn't working, it's like he's blocking me out of his head.

“It won't work on us anymore... You're human again” Sunye said then the big white gate opened widely. I slowly walked inside while Sunye made her way to the front straight away.

Everything in the office changed and I mean everything... it looked empty.

Fate was sitting on one of the steps holding onto someone's hand. I looked around the room for Eunmi but couldn't find her anywhere. I guess she wasn't around yet.

As I grew closer to the front, I can hear people whispering my name; Am I in that much trouble?

I was almost at the front when Fate's face lifted and her eyes locked with mine. I froze a few meters away from them. Fate was crying just like Eunmi was crying that day I found her with a baby. I couldn't bear looking at Fate so I turned away.

“Tina” a weak familiar voice said. I looked back to where Sunye and Fate were then I saw a hand reaching out to me. I didn't want to move my feet but they were automatically moving... they moved towards the altar looking place where they gathered around this person.

As soon as I reached the first step of the place, my mouth dropped and tears started streaming down my face.

It was Eunmi.

But she wasn't the Goddess Eunmi who annoyed the crap out of me back when she was still my guardian; this one looked like the life out of her had been out. I didn't know what to say, this could be her punishment for what I did... It should be me not her.

She extended her hands towards me; I quickly locked my right hand with hers then placed my left hand on top of our hands. She was cold, ice cold. It's like she's been put inside a freezer for a week already or something. Though she looked weak and looked like she needs to sleep, she gave me a smile. Tears flowed down even more; the emotions were stronger than any emotions I've felt.

Before when I was still a soul, I would always just be colourless and freeze cold; kind of like the time Jay found me in that practice room with my arms around my legs and it seemed like the life out of me had been out. Do you now see why I want to feel numb again?

Eunmi tried getting up but she couldn't. Fate just kept yelling at her whenever she would so I quickly sat next to her still holding onto her hand.

“Could you leave us first?” She asked Fate and Sunye with her almost gone voice. Fate didn't want to leave her side but Eunmi insisted, as soon as they were out of sight Eunmi gasp for air. I panicked, I had no freaking idea what was wrong with her, none of them would say something and I was too scared to ask. I felt Eunmi trying to get in my head; I guess that's the only way we could communicate since she can hardly talk.

“I'm fine” she assured me.

“This is not my definition of fine” I replied quickly.

“You know Tina; I've never seen anyone love like you and Jay. It's like you already know the outcome of your life yet you conquered the one thing everyone is afraid to do... to love a human being” she told me then tried releasing a chuckle.

“Just stop doing silly stuff and tell me what's going on” I told her fiercely.

“Still stubborn” she replied.

I didn't answer then she gasps for another air.

“Did you realise your heart is not beating yet?” She asked me. Then it just hit me that my heart really wasn't beating so I'm not human after all maybe they had some malfunction here in soul land that's why I became visible to the eyes of others.

“It will beat...” she said then paused. I felt her hand tightened within my grasp. “As soon as I stopped breathing” she continued then looked away.

You know the term ‘my whole world stopped’?

My whole world really did stop.

It was on paused for literally a minute. You wouldn't know because you aren’t me but it did stop during those moments.

“What-- d—o yo-u mean?” I managed to stutter.

“I gave me, for you” she replied happily then smiled at me. I quickly let go of her hands then backed away from her. Fate was at her side in a quick flash. She held onto Eunmi's hand with tears still flowing down her eyes.

“She's doing this for you” Fate said.

“What do you mean?”

“The moment you stopped walking through walls and started seeing reflections of yourself, it was because Eunmi had given up her life for you. She gave up being a guardian so you could be happy, she's giving you her second life” she explained to me.

I couldn't help but cry.

All these times I was thinking that she was getting punished because of me when the truth is she was suffering because of ME!!! The selfish me, why the did I fall in love?!!!!

Outraged at myself I heard Eunmi spoke not with but with her mind.

“I don't want you to hate yourself. This is my choice, I want you to fall in love the way I did back in the days. I want you to not have anyone else besides Jay; you both deserve to be happy. There's a month still ahead the both of you, do everything to make it worthwhile. I'm sorry that 1 month is all I could give...”

“UNNIE DON'T!” I yelled at her verbally. Fate glared at me like it was my fault in the first place, I saw it in her eyes... she was blaming me that she's losing someone in her life again.

“I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS, I DIDN'T ASK HER TO GIVE ME HER LIFE! I JUST WANTED MY GUARDIAN BACK” My angry self yelled as a reply to Fate's hate glare. Sunye flew next to me trying to calm me down but of course I couldn't. A girl was about to die in front of me, the life in her was getting out by ME! I was the reason why she was like that, I was the reason why she can hardly breathe; I was the reason why any minute from now Fate is going to burst out crying.

I was the death of her.

“WHY EUNMI? WHY?!!!” I asked her angrily. Tears flying side by side as I shook my head like a stubborn little girl trying to find answers and is refusing to believe it.

“I want you to be happy because all your life you lived with nothing but regrets” she replied.

“THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. THIS IS YOUR LIFE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!”

“Like it matters anyway, I'm dead soon. Even if I didn't help you I would have disappeared already. Tina, don't waste any time trying to blame yourself...” she couldn't finish what she was saying. That was the time I felt a strong beat coming out of my body. Every beat gives Eunmi pain but she had a smile on her face.

“EUNMI TAKE IT BACK. TAKE IT ALL BACK! I DON'T ING WANT IT!!! FATE, DO SOMETHING!!!” I yelled stubbornly. I didn't want any of this even though it’s a dream come true but taking Eunmi's life is something I don't want to live with and I'm sure anyone would agree with me.

“IT'S LIKE I'M MURDERING YOU!!!”

“Calm down” Fate said but I already know Eunmi was the one trying to say it.

“I'M NOT GOING TO CALM DOWN NOT UNLESS YOU TAKE IT ALL BACK!!! JUST TAKE IT ALL I DON'T WANT IT”

The thump in my chest became regular; I could feel my heart finally coming alive. I watched as the smile on Eunmi's face slowly disappears... the next thing I know Fate's cry was surrounding the whole room.

I couldn't see Eunmi any longer.

The last thing I remembered was me calling out her name then blackness came over my whole world.