Only You

I've always hated the concept of “till death do us part.” I've always hated this idea of someday falling in love with someone so hard, only to get hurt once “death do us part.” This is why I've shut my heart away. I have never, in my 23 years of life, never fallen in love. Of course I've had crushes here and there. Dated too, but not exclusively. However, when she came into my life I knew that I was screwed. I knew that I fell in love with her. I knew deep down that she’s my forever, if forever actually existed, but I also knew that we wouldn’t last.

"Yoong? Yoongie-ah! OI!" Jessica harshly pushed me by my shoulder, pulling me out of my thoughts. 

"Oh why~" I whined

"Don't why~ me. I've been talking to you nonstop here, but you've been zoning out the entire time." She huffed, crossing her arms across her chest. I smiled at her childish actions. 

I didn't even realized I started zoning out on her during our nightly talks. Ever since Jessica and I became dorm mates, my life has literally changed. Every day I've spent with her, I can feel myself falling for her. I try to stop it...but I can't. I can't believe how easily Jessica snuck her way to my heart. My heart that I long closed, because for me, happily ever afters don't exist. 

"YAH! You’re doing it again!" She yelled. I turned to look at the adorable girl in front me. 

"You're cute you know that." I smiled, ruffling her hair.

"Hmph sweet talker. I bet that's the number one line you use on all the girls." She lightly punched me. 

"Ah. Yah that's two today Jess." I pouted, rubbing the spot she hit. 

"Serves you right. Anyways, can we talk?" She suddenly turned serious. 

"But aren't we already talking?" I teased 

"I'm serious Yoona." 

"Okay okay. I'm listening." 

"Yoong, we've known each other for two years now, and there are times when I feel like we've known each other for years, but....I." Jessica hesitated, her face turning redder by the second.

"Jess." I interrupted whatever it is she's about to say next. "Look at me." I calmly ask her, lifting her chin up, so she can look at me. 

“Wait Yoong, listen to me…” she began, but I shook my head no, “No, listen to me first okay?" I softly asked, cupping her face so that she keeps her eyes on me. 

"Jess, I...we..." I began, but I couldn't find the words to say. Should I tell her?

"Did you know that I hate wedding vows." I started, and she gave me this weird look,"in every vow, the couple always promises to love each other until death do them part. I hate that vow. I hate how wedding vows that are suppose to be meaningful, but end in acknowledging that there will come a day, where they will be separated by the natural order of life. I can't ever imagine putting the person I love through that pain...wh..."

"That's not what that vow means Yoong." she cut me off, "that part of a vow means something more than just being separated by death. You need to read it in between the lines. When I hear people promise to love each other until death do them part, I think what they mean is that for as long as they are together, they will create happy memories. They will live their life together, cherishing every single moment, so that when they do separate, they have something to always go back to, wherever they may be. That vow Yoong, is used to remind the couple to always cherish the time they have together." Jessica smiled. 

"Even if that time may be cut short?" I asked her. 

"If it's with the person you love, the time you spent together will never feel 'short,' in fact, it'll feel like time slows down. That's how I feel when I'm with you Yoong, every time I look into your eyes, every time I see you walk towards me beaming a smile, I just feel like time slows down. I don't know when it happened, but it did. Yoona, I like, no, I love you. I love you so much that i feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I just love you." Jessica confessed. 

I smiled when I recalled that memory. It feels like it's been a lifetime since I last saw her, but it's only been two years since I left. Jessica...I wonder how you are right now. I hope you know that I miss you, so so much and that I'm sorry. For everything. 

"Yoongie-ah hurry up. Let's ride that next."

"Yah, why were you checking that girl out when I'm right here?!"

"Yoongie-ah I love you. Always remember that okay?" 

I wonder why everything she did or said to me is engraved in my mind. Is this what Jessica meant when she confessed to me? 

Wiping the tears that ran down my face, I continued the task at hand. 

"Yoona-yah~ I'm here!" Taeyeon, my cousin, cheerfully smiled. 

"Unnie" I forced a smile at her, stealthily hiding what I was doing under my pillow. 

"Did you cry?" She asked, quickly coming over to me side. 

"A bit, I just finished watching Train to Busan" I half lied. I watched the movie but it didn't make me cry. 

"Really" she gave me her I-don't-believe-you look while scanning my room. 

"So did you do anything interesting today?" I asked her, trying to shift her mind to a different topic. 

"Hmmm nothing out of...oh yeah I met my new neighbor! Oh gosh Yoong you should meet her! She's so pretty, kinda gives off this stand-offish vibe at first, but she's really nice. She's actually the same age as me." Taeyeon unnie beamed a smile as she talked about this new neighbor of her's. I can already tell that unnie's smitten with her new neighbor. 

"Seems to me someone has a crush~" I , and she turned bright red in no time. Got her, I mentally chuckled. And my curiosity on this mystery neighbor increased, because no one has ever been able to sway Taeyeon unnie's heart ever since her first love broke her heart. 

"I don't have a crush on her you dork. I just met the lady. We just instantly clicked because of our past... actually, I invited her here so that you can have another person to talks to other than me or your parents." Taeyeon unnie denied while sneakily changing the subject. 

"Mhm sure unnie. Sure~" I sarcastically replied. 

"Why you little rascal." Taeyeon ruffled my hair. 

"Little rascal huh...." I trailed off...Jessica use to call me that... 

"Yoona...did I say something wrong?" She asked, wiping away the tears that were once again forming in my eyes, but I remained mum.

"Hey what happened to the HIM Yoona that I know? I know you try and act cheerful when I or your parents are around, but I can see that you're hurting. I've ignored it since you deci..."

"Unnie, I hope that you find the person that will make you feel like how she made me feel before I left her behind without saying goodbye." I smiled sadly. 

”Person you left.... wait you were with someone? Who is she?! Why didn't you tell us?! I thought that you didn't believe..." but Taeyeon unnie's rapid fire questions were interrupted when the door to my room opened up, revealing the girl that I have longed for ever since I left that night..... 

2 years ago 

"Yoona you can't keep pushing this back. You've noticed the changes. You know what you have to do"

Those words kept ringing in my head like a broken record. I know what I have to do, but I don't want to do it. I don't want to put her through that...this...this is why I was afraid to fall in love. I can't watch the love of my life be in pain and sadness because of me. I just can't....

Entering our dorm I smiled. This place has so many memories. I remember when she first came, I was very intimidated. Jessica was the quiet type up until she gets comfortable around you. Then you see that she's really childish and dorky and really fun to be with. Walking around our small dorm that consisted of a small living space and kitchen, I realized that this dorm has been the observer of all our memories. Yeah Jessica and I go out sometimes, but we mostly like staying inside cuddling during our break from class. I smiled as I realized that Jessica and I already acted like a couple, even before we got together.  

A few more paces and I finally reached her bedroom. Quietly and slowly I opened the door. Ever since Jessica and I got together, she has always slept in my room, but has kept her things in her room. I never really entered Jessica's room to just be in it. Usually, I go in to grab something for her or to bring her meals when she's sick, because she refuses to sleep with me if she is. 

Jessica and I live in the same dorm, but her room has a different feel to it. I never noticed how organized and clean it is. Her desk has photos of her family and us nicely organized, I smiled, picking up the photo of us taken in Lotte World. I remember how cliche our first date was, but to Jessica, it was the best first date she's ever had. I placed the photo back on her desk, wiped the tears that were threatening to fall and finally made my way to my room. 

Quietly, I entered. The sleeping princess looked so calm and peaceful in her sleep. Making my way to my closet, I grabbed some of my clothes. I'll just have to get the rest later...if I still can. I tried to be quiet so I don't wake her, but I didn't succeed. 

"Mmmm Yoong?" Jessica suddenly called out, rubbing her eyes cutely. 

"Hey there sleepy head." I quickly went to her side, hiding my duffle bag on my side of the bed. 

"It's late, you just got back? Have you eaten?" She asks still half-asleep. 

"Yeah, sorry I was out too late. I got stuck at work." I lied. 

"It's okay. If you've eaten let's get some sleep, I didn't cuddle with you the whole day." She pouted, her eyes finally looking into mine, "Yoong, you okay?" She asked probably noticing my weary eyes. 

"Yeah I'm fine. I'm just tired." I smiled, laying down next to her and pulling her close. 

"I told you not to overwork yourself." She scolded me, while snuggling closer. 

"I know I know. I'm sorry, won't happen again. Promise." I whispered, running my fingers through her silky golden brown hair. 

"Okay Yoong. Mmmm I'm sleepy, goodnight Yoongie, I love you." She softly replied, slowly falling back to sleep

" I love you too Jess...more than you could ever know." I whispered, softly placing a kiss on top of her head. 

Once I was sure that Jessica was in deep sleep...I slowly got up and grabbed my things. 

"I'm sorry for leaving you like this Jess...I hope one day we can meet again and I'll be able to explain, but for now, I have to go. Always remember that I love you and that I'll never forget you. I'll miss you...so so so much. I love you Jessica Jung Sooyeon." I softly bid my farewell to my sleeping princess.

"Yoona?! Yah Im Yoona, comeback to Earth please." Taeyeon unnie snapped her fingers in front of my face pulling me back from my memories. 

"Sorry unnie...uhm who's this." I feigned innocence toward the girl that's looking at me with eyes that convey so many emotions and questions. 

"This is the neighbor I was talking to you about you dork. Yoona this is Jessica Jung. Sica this is my cousin Im Yoona." Taeyeon introduced us. 

"Ah uhm its nice to meet you Jessica-shi." I bowed my head 

"Likewise Yoon..Yoona-shi." Jessica replied, her voice wavering. 

Silence, a deafening silence took over my room after Jessica's introduction. Taeyeon tried to break the silence but with every topic it would end with one worded comebacks. To top it all of, Jessica kept her gaze locked on me. I know she has a lot of questions, but I don't think I'm ready to answer them just yet. 

The silence continued until Taeyeon's phone rang. Something happened at the office and she had to leave.

"Sorry Yoong, I have to go. Something came up at work. Uhm Sica you can stay though, get to know Yoong some more. Anyways, I gotta run. Bye guys!" Taeyeon quickly dashed out of my room, leaving me behind with her. 

After T