Dear Journal-shi,

 

It's Luhan hyung's birthday today. I hoped he liked the present I bought for him.

 

Sehun had a stupid grin on his face as he placed his journal away and took out a shoebox from under his bed. He opened the shoebox and took out the pair of soccer shoes he had bought for Luhan. Even though the worker gave him a 10% discount it still cost him his whole wallet to buy this and hopefully Luhan likes them. He contemplated when he should give his baby-faced hyung the present. 'I'll worried about that later.' Sehun shrugged before placing the shoebox back under his bed and got up to prepare for school.

 

It was lunch time. Sehun stayed in class while his classmates quickly grabbed their wallets to rush down to the cafeteria before the que gets long.

 

"You're not going for lunch Sehun?" Sehun's seatmate, Hoseok, asked.

 

"Nope, saving money." Sehun smiled towards his classmate and Hoseok left the classroom after patting Sehun's back.

 

Sehun was broke after buying Luhan's soccer shoes and if he ate for lunch today he might not have any money left for future lunch. All he could do is wait until he gets home and probably ate some of Kyungsoo's dinner leftovers. His stomach grumbled since he didn't ate breakfast but Sehun tried to ignore his grumbling stomach and continued studying.

 

"Yah, Sehun."

 

Sehun turned his head when he heard his name being called. It was Yunho and gang. He frowned, he really didn't like them.

 

"Ne sunbae?" Sehun answered, just to be polite.

 

The 5 seniors entered Sehun's class and sat surrounding Sehun's table.

 

"Go buy us some bread and milk." Yunho ordered.

 

"I-I have no money sunbaenim..." Sehun sheepishly smiled, giving Yunho an apologetic look.

 

"Aw you poor thing, didn't know you were from a poor family." Yunho patted Sehun's cheek playfully, while his friends snickered at the scene.

 

Sehun moved his face away to avoid Yunho's childish tease. He suddenly remember Luhan hyung liked to pat his cheek too back then. He smiled slightly at the memory.

 

"Here, go buy something for youself too. We're waiting~" Yunho gave Sehun a few won.

 

Sighing mentally, Sehun nodded and headed downstairs to buy the said snacks.

 

Since Sehun got down to the cafeteria abit later, the que was pretty long and Sehun had to wait. After buying the snacks he went back to his class and gave the seniors their bread and milk.

 

"Good boy Sehunnie." Yunho patted his head as usual.

 

Sehun smiled meekly before nodding. He shuddered at Yunho's contact and he didn't know why he have this bad feeling when he sees Jaejoong and Yoochun sharing knowing looks.

 

-

 

It was 9 in the evening, and Sehun had just finished work. He rushed home since he couldn't wait to give Luhan his birthday present. However when he reached home the house was quiet and dark, no lights were on. It was only 9pm, hence his hyungs couldn't possibly be sleeping? Something clicked in Sehun's mind, the hyungs probably went out to have a dinner together as a celebration for Luhan's birthday. Sehun couldn't help but to be dissappointed. They didn't even ask him, or let him know... He should have expected it though.

 

Sehun's stomach grumbled for the nth time that day. The cafe was extremely busy that day, considering it was a Friday night, hence Sehun didn't have any time to rest and took a bite of Himchan's extra cakes he would have occasionally. He was looking forward to eat some leftovers for dinner... Sighing, Sehun headed upstairs to put down his bag and took a quick night shower. He then headed to the kitchen and cooked himself some ramen. He watched tv while eating.

 

The clock struck eleven and Sehun finally heard the front door opening from his room. His brothers are finally back! They were loud, chatting noisily and Sehun knew they had a drink or two. Sehun sat up from his bed and grabbed the soccer boots from under his bed and held them tight. He should give it to Luhan before midnight, but how?

 

Sehun peek out from his room. Most of his hyungs are going into their rooms, slightly drunk but still sober.

 

"Hyung, I've placed your presents on your bed!" Yixing shouted from Luhan's shared room with Minseok.

 

The birthday boy was climbing up the stairs, looking tired (and drunk). His was ed, hair slightly messy.

 

"L-Luhan hyung?" Sehun calls out, standing timidly outside his room.

 

Luhan looked at Sehun with half-lidded eyes.

 

"H-Happy birthday hyung. I-I g-got you a present." Sehun handed out the shoebox.

 

Luhan smiled, "A present?"

 

Sehun was surprised Luhan was smiling at him. An actual smile. Sehun grew some courage, smiling back while nodding his head vigorously. Luhan took the shoebox from Sehun. His smile turned into a smirk.

 

"A present?" he scoffed.

 

Without even opening it, Luhan threw the gift on the floor.

 

"Why would I accept a present from a murderer!?" Luhan shouted, stepping the shoebox with full force, his eyes filled with hatred and grudge.

 

"If Umma and Appa didn't even adopt you in the first place, they'll still be here, celebrating my birthday! Umma will cook  me seaweed soup, and Appa will send me to a sports school! They promised me..." Luhan cried.

 

"But they left... Because of you!"  Luhan pointed an accusing finger towards Sehun, "So get the out of my face!" Luhan kicked the abandoned present away, tears running down his face.

 

"Shhh, hyung come and sleep. You're tired. It's still your birthday." Joonmyun came out and ushered Luhan into his room not before giving an accusing look towards Sehun for making Luhan mad.

 

Everyone had heard the argument. When Luhan went back into his room, they closed their doors ignoring the frozen Sehun.

 

Sehun's body felt weak all of the suddenly, dropping to the floor. His eyes were blurred with tears.

 

'I'm sorry hyung...' Sehun crawled towards the present he had intended to give Luhan, 'I didn't know...'

 

He hugged the shoes he wanted Luhan to have. He was expecting Luhan to like it. He wanted Luhan to like him back.

 

'I'm sorry hyung, for existing. I should have died instead.' Sehun went back into his room before crumbling down again.

 

He covered his mouth hoping his sobbings aren't too loud. He was mad at himself, he just made Luhan cry! He never seen Luhan cry before. In Sehun's eyes, Luhan was a strong person. Short-tempered but protective. But he made Luhan cry, on his birthday. Sehun is starting to hate himself.

 

"Umma, Appa, why didn't you take me with you?" Sehun looked up, "Why did you take me in?"

 

"Umma, Appa, I don't want to live anymore. I deserve to die."