Now:

I ran out of the car the moment I reached home. Bag of groceries in hand, I raced happily into the kitchen thinking I would see my girl, Hana. She was the reason why  I even left home in the first place.

She must be hungry right now, pissed even. I'm just glad she wouldn't be alone at home. She was with my older brother, Jay, who could keep her temper at bay.

At first, Jay didn't even want to conceive the idea of her. He said she was the reason I wouldn't be able to live life to the fullest. He said she was the one who would hold me back from everything I wanted to do. He said she would destroy me. But that wasn't true. If anything, Hana was the one who taught me that life won't always go the way you plan it to be but you make do with what you have.

I walk into the kitchen and find Hana with Jay. They were drinking orange juice in sippy cups, staring at each other blankly. Hana could outdo Jay in a staring contest any day.

Originally I thought he'd hate her, but he's come to deal with her pretty well. He still isn't happy about the whole thing, but at least he isn't taking it out on her.

Hana is trying to climb on top of Jay when I see them, but instead, he scoops her up into his arms so she doesn't have a hard time. 

When she sees me, she spreads both her arms out and smiles.

"Mama!" she calls out to me, and almost instantly I grab her away from my brother.

"Hey baby cakes," I tell her.

"I missed you!" I say as I bury my nose in the crook of her neck. She still smells like a new born baby even though she's more than two years old. I love that smell.

"Hey, Mama." She tells me and puts one of her stubby little hands on my cheek.

I hear Jay clearing his throat, so I turn to look at him. "Yes?" I ask.

"I'm heading out to see Clara in a bit. You'll be fine?" Clara has been his long time girlfriend. And she's hot, unlike me whose gained so much weight since I've given birth.

I nod my head and he turns to leave. My brother stops mid-stride to give one last check on me and Hana.

"Mama let's play," I feel someone patting my cheek and that's when I remember that I'm still holding my baby girl. I tell her that we will, and my brother resumes walking.

I watch as Jay exits the kitchen, and I think to myself that despite the the both of us have been through, and despite his anger at me for getting pregnant, he still loves me. I sigh and think to myself that I'm lucky to have him. I think Hana's lucky to have him as her uncle, too.

-----//-----

I put Hana to sleep right after dinner because she skipped her afternoon nap, and I wasn't strict about it because I was pretty distracted today. She was feeling cranky, and I was feeling cranky, so before Jay exploded since I was being a tad bit y, I excused myself from the dinner table. Clara helped clean up, anyway. Yes, she came over for dinner. And yes, she's wonderful with my kid. Sometimes I wonder when Jay plans to propose to her; I really want them to get married.

She isn't just a girlfriend, she's basically family. I mean, she takes care of me, too! AND, she takes care of my brother! All I can say is, thank God for Clara.

Hana and I go upstairs, and I get her ready for bed. In a matter of a few minutes, she falls asleep on my bed, just like I knew she would.

I didn't ask for a crib because of the extra expenses it put on Jay and I, but I also didn't ask for one because I didn't feel like owning one. My baby can sleep right next to me; I wouldn't have it any other way. Nine months of having her inside me just to have her sleep away from me for the rest of her life? No thanks. So I place her on her section of the bed, the section that's filled with hotdog pillows and blankets and stuffed toys, and then I lie down right next to her.

I lie down on my side so I can look at my girl, and I can't help but think about how beautiful she is. I can't help but think about how lucky I am to have her, but I also can't help thinking of the storm that Jay gave me when I told him.

Of course my parents found out before him, I talk to them all the time, but they couldn't do anything about it since they were gone. No, they didn't up and leave us. They died just a couple of years before Hana was born; I don't really like talking about it. I just guess they must be up in Heaven just watching over us, but I pray every night that they don't hate me for what's happened.

I think the emotions start taking their toll on me once the clock strikes midnight. It's pretty cliche, but midnight is usually when I end up thinking about myself, life, and things in general. It's when I think about Jiyong.

I know I told myself to get over him, and I did. I know I told myself to forget him because he left. I know I trained myself to hate him, and for a time, all the love I felt for him was gone. But now that he's back, are things still going to stay that way?

When I saw him earlier, I felt he thought time stood still and we were back to three years ago where hugging him was the most natural thing in the world. He was so carefree, it made me want to hit him. It was like nothing happened between us, like he'd only been gone for the weekend to visit his grandparents. A part of me wanted to stay in his arms, but another part of me, the mom part of me, told me to act fast and leave before anything else happened.

I don't care if he was my best friend. Was is the operative word of the sentence. Was means the past; past means never again.

We can't go back to the way things were, anyway. I mean, he got me pregnant.

Before:

"I still don't understand why you did that," I told Jiyong as he stepped into my house, drenched in rainwater. It started raining cats and dogs just like that,in the middle of this summer heat, and he didn't so much as bring an umbrella or an extra set of clothes.

He left puddles on the floor every step he took, I am not even kidding. I sighed thinking that I no longer had a mother to scold him for making a mess. Now I had to mop up everything. Even my love, because in this state of his, I knew exactly where he came from.

"For love," he dreamily said as he made himself comfortable on the kitchen counter. "She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Right? I bet you girls even think she's the prettiest among all of you."

I don't really know what Jiyong found in her, Lia, that made him go head over heels crazy in love. I mean, sure she's hot and possibly pretty, but she's impossible to be with!

Then again, I don't really know what about Jiyong made me go head over heels crazy in love with him either, so I won't judge. But that doesn't mean seeing him like this makes it any less painful for me. It does hurt. A lot. Now we're stuck in my kitchen because there is no way in hell I'm allowing him upstairs.

I leave him smiling at nothing in particular so I can get dry towels for him. Cupid's arrow must have hit him hard, I guess.

I hand him a towel which he uses to dry his arms and whatever else he can dry off himself. It's useless because he does nothing to dry himself off. At this rate, he could catch a cold, maybe even a fever. I sigh and reach for the towel back. Before I know it, I'm drying his hair and patting his back with it.

The things I do for this boy. My boy. My love. Yes, that's why I put up with his , because I love him possibly even more than my life. Because he's like the apple to my pie, the macaroni to my cheese. I just can't be without him, is why I put up with his , even when it hurts.

"I think you'll like her," he says.

I doubt it.

"She made you wait in the rain, idiot." I tell him, but he doesn't seem to hear me.

"I asked her out and she stepped out in the rain, with an umbrella over our heads because she put it over me too, just to say yes." He said. "We're going out soon."

"That's great," I tell him sarcastically, but he doesn't hint at it. All I'm thinking is that if she really cared about you then you wouldn't have walked in the rain for her or, she would have walked in the rain with you.

God knows I would have walked in the rain for you. I already have, that one time you didn't have a place to stay because you and your parents had a fight, and you walked away from home but I chased after you, I did. I chased after you in the pouring rain, never once expecting an umbrella to shelter me from getting wet.

Jiyong looks at me like he's the happiest guy in the world.

"You're the best, you know that?" He says and plants a friendly kiss on my cheek. A kiss that means he's happy. A kiss that means he's thankful. A kiss that means he's glad he has me to talk to about his new girl, Lia.

That's when I know that I am the best. But if I am the best, then why do I even bother with Ji?

I'm the epitome of hopelessness, that's what I am.

"I'm just so ing in love!!" He tells me all of a sudden, then he laughs. I smack the towel over his head but he doesn't seem to mind.

When Jiyong is in a good mood, he never fails to show it. And even when I hate the reason why he's happy, I can't help but smile anyway. 

His laughter was contagious.

a/n

I'm back! hihi. Thank you so much for waiting! And I totally appreciate the comments. :)