VI
Crooked
Before:
I thought they were in love, I told myself. Why were they always fighting?
Why were they yelling at each other whenever they could? In school, at home, on the phone. I thought Lia loved him. But why was she just hurting Jiyong? It wasn’t fun taking care of someone in the middle of the night. It wasn’t fun gaining weight too, with all the ice cream he brought over. But more importantly, it wasn’t fun seeing him so…sad. It made me want to hold him, and kiss him; wrap him in hugs and punch holes in the wall for him just so he wouldn't have a bloodied, wounded fist. It made me want to help him forget.
I talked to Jay about this over dinner, with Clara, of course. They were my favourite couple in the world. I don’t think anything could set these two apart. If it was anyone, I’m pretty sure they would be able to answer my questions.
"Because that’s what couples do," Jay told me when I asked him. "They fight." I wanted to smack some sense into him. He and Clara rarely fought. I think. I looked at them suspiciously.
“Okay, okay,” he said when Clara glared at him. “Some couples. Not all,”
“Just be there for him, Lee,” was what Clara told me good heartedly as she waved my brother off.
“He doesn’t say it, but you know he needs you.”
“Hey, hey,” Jay began. Now turning on his glare at her, like she was saying something ridiculous. “He was my friend first. He doesn’t need Lee. What do you mean by ‘he needs you’? Why are you talking about him like that with my sister? She’s not a ing stress ball.”
“Hey, hey, hey,” Clara began and hit him with the spatula she was washing. We were in the kitchen, finishing cleaning up; I couldn’t help but laugh. “This is me you’re talking to. Watch your mouth.”
They fought for a while longer, but Jay ended up wrapping her in a big hug. Then he kissed her on the cheek. Clara smiled. They called a truce.
I excused myself and went up to my room. Sometimes I envied those two.
Sometimes I wanted God to just give me a relationship like that.
Maybe I should start going to church more often.
——//——
I didn't know if Jiyong was coming that night, for another best friend-sleepover kind of thing. He most probably wasn't; he and Lia couldn't be mad for this long. It's been a few weeks since their last "break up," they'd most probably be making up right now.
Sigh.
But just in case he did come over, and I was somewhere between the land of awake and asleep, I left the window open so he wouldn't be locked out. He seemed to like to sneak into my room even though he knew he could use the front door.
But surprisingly he came, tonight. And then I think I understood why he liked sneaking in through my window. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to show his face to Jay like this. When he snuck in tonight, his eyes were red, ringed with dark circles under them, and I could tell by the way there was no emotion on his face that they fought. Again.
“She's going out with other guys,” he’d tell me.
“You guys 'broke up,' Ji. It's like free time.” I tell him, like I’ve told him so many times before. This wasn't anything new to me anymore. “You’ll patch things up in the morning, I’m positive."
He didn’t agree when I said what I said. There was more to this than he was letting on. This time it seemed serious. And then he said the words. "I saw them kissing,"
My eyes widened when I realised this was real. “So break up with her.” Of course I'd jump to the solution that he should break up with her. Duh. I hoped I wasn't that obvious.
“I can’t,”
“Why not? This isn’t love, Ji.”
“Yes it is,”
“No, it’s not.” I replied.
“You wouldn’t know what love was,” He’d tell me sarcastically, talking softly but loud enough for me to hear. He shook his head and smiled like I was being ridiculous. It pierced my ears when he said it, making me cringe internally. I could hear the breaking of a mirror from somewhere in the background, and I felt as if someone grabbed the shards and stabbed them right through me.
“Fine.”
So I didn’t know what love was, huh. I nodded my head and turned around diving straight under my covers, leaving him standing by the front of my bed.
“Come on, Lee” he said. “Don’t be like this.”
“I’m not being like anything,” I told him without a care, then buried myself under the quilt. I started to tear up.
“It’s my fault; you only want what’s best for me, I know,” He said. “I’m sorry, don’t be mad. I can’t have you mad at me, ever."
“Lee,” he called my name again, shaking my leg in the process. I kicked at him; I didn’t like it when people touched my feet; Jiyong wasn't excused.
"Why are you here, anyway?" I asked him, putting my hands on both sides of my head. It's so stupid of me to have asked a question when right now, I didn't even want to hear his voice.
"Because you're my best friend." He said. I know that was supposed to be a compliment, but it stung when he said it. I'm only the best friend, was what it implied. "Because you're like the only person who will ever like me for me, you know? You've seen me make an out of myself a million times, and you still wanna be my friend. Because I need you, man."
“Please,” he began. “Please don’t be mad.” I breathed out a sigh of frustration that I'm pretty sure he heard, and before I knew it, the covers above me started moving. I closed my eyes tight, bracing myself for the impact the light in my room would have on them when instead, he lifted the quilt off me. And I felt right away the weight on my bed begin to shift.
“You’re mad at me, aren’t you?” I heard him say, and immediately I in a breath.. My eyes were closed, but I swore he was already next to me, under the sheets; I felt his breath on my face the moment he spoke. And when I did open my eyes, my guess was right. I saw his beautiful face up close.
I wanted to stay mad at him, but I couldn’t. I only felt defeated. He needs you, I heard Clara say in my head.
He was so close that his lips were touching the bridge of my nose, and I was certain that if he started murmuring anything, I’d feel the softness of it on my face. He moved lower so that now we were staring at each other’s eyes.
He smiled slightly. Sadly, but slightly when he said “I was wrong. Forgive me?"
“I’m never mad at you,”
He scoffed, then flicked me on the forehead lightly. "Of course not, your're just mad beside me a lot, aren't you?"
I laughed and shook my head no. And then I closed my eyes.
"I do know about love." I told him, not looking at his face because if I did, I was pretty sure he'd know. With him, I was an open book the moment he'd stare into my eyes. I was a er like that. But I wanted to correct him about this one tiny thing, because he was 100% wrong. I do know.
"I know about wanting, and dreaming, and wishing with every part of my soul. I know enough about it to recognize the parts that are real and fantasy."
"Okay," he said softly, like he was whispering right into my ear, but that whisper of his was able to touch all of me, and send shivers down my spine. "What's real, then?"
With my eyes still closed, I calmly and coolly replied, "Like when he's upset and doesn't say so, but I know. And all I wanna do is make him smile again, make him feel like he's the best there ever is."
"And what's fantasy?"
"Believing he'll ever feel the same way."
I don't know how long he stayed after that. All I knew was that despite my conflicting emotions, I fell sound asleep.
After:
It worried me how preoccupied I was getting, thinking about Jiyong. It was chilling, and disturbing. Everywhere I turned he was there, figuratively and literally. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand. When I worked, when I was at home, when I went to the mall or drove around with Hana trying to put her to sleep.
Even in the comfort of my own bedroom, he was there. He was lazing about in the smallest corner of my mind. But apparently, it wasn’t small enough because all I could think about was him.
And then there was Hana. I thought about her and how this would affect her if it ever would, as I was pacing around our room. The quiet helped me think, and so did the dark.
It was night time now, and Hana was already asleep, lying on her cheek with slightly open. She was so peaceful when she slept; she looked exactly like an angel. No, a cherub was more like it. A baby angel.
“Giyongchy,” she would call him. “Giyongchy, Giyongchy.” It pained my heart to hear her say his name like that, with trust and warmth…and so full of expectations. Like she meant for him to be there forever. Like he was Barney, the imaginary friend-slash-dinosaur she’d dreamed of come to life.
But you couldn’t trust Ji with anything; he was edgy, and quick, and extremely hot tempered. He was rash and impulsive. He was like summer, exactly as volatile.
One moment, you were enjoying the warm sunny day it brought you. The next you’d be suffering from a heat wave. That was how Jiyong was. And you couldn’t do anything to stop him if he wanted anything. There was a time I thought that was attractive, how edgy and spontaneous he was, but right now it doesn’t work so well
Hana shouldn’t get attached to him. She’d look for him too much if she did. Then the walls I worked so hard to build around her would crumble. He had seen her and took her in his arms, something he shouldn’t ever have done. He would just break tiny her heart, something I’d worked so hard on keeping whole.
I stopped pacing because I saw Hana start to move her head in her sleep. I looked at her face patiently. The way her brows furrowed and her lips frowned in her sleep told me that in a few moments she was about to cry.
Then, as expected, the yelling started; right on cue. She started thrashing her arms as if throwing a tantrum, tears streaking down her chubby cheeks.
In those few moments, I remembered the day she was born, the horrors it brought me and her. The painful situation we both found ourselves stuck in. I remembered not being able to take her in my arms the moment she was out of me; they wouldn't let me hold her yet because we were both so weak.
I swore I wouldn't let that happen ever again; nothing after that would keep me from taking her in my arms. And in less than a second I had her trapped in my embrace, her hair, hugging her, doing whatever I could to lull her back to sleep.
She wouldn’t fall asleep, she just kept on crying. Before I knew it, I started crying, too.
I couldn’t understand the feeling in my chest. I was afraid, but I was excited. I didn’t want to see Jiyong’s face, but I wanted him to think of me constantly, to remember this, to remember us. I want him to see that I’m fine without him, but I want him to stay.
Oh God, why did he have to come back?
“Mama,” Hana calls me, pulling me out of my reverie, out of the part of my mind in which I shouldn’t even be entertaining, that part that Jiyong existed in. I can feel her tears damping my shirt, which makes me wonder just how horrible her nightmare must have been. I’m sorry I can’t chase away all the monsters, baby girl.
"Mama," she calls me again, this time a bit more calmly. Her eyes are open now, no longer in dream world gone wrong. They're big, and scared, and she's stopped crying because she sees I'm there.
“I am your Mama,” I tell her, wiping away her tears with my thumb.
Now I think I know why I’m crying, I’m crying because it’s difficult. Sometimes I wish someone would just swoop in and make everything easier, but that's not really going to happen, is it?
“I’m the only one you’ve got, poor thing.”
So I held her tightly in my arms, until all I could see was black.
——//——
It was 3 o'clock in the morning when I woke up, and I realized I was woken by a buzzing sound that was my phone, vibrating too loudly for me not to care. Disentangling my arms from around Hana's warm body was one of the most difficult things to do; she was like a teddy bear, one that helped me sleep at night.
With much dislike, I reached for the little cursed device, no longer bothering to check who it was, and clickled the green button on the screen that would make me accept this bothersome call. I sighed. Nobody else would call me at three in the morning; it could only be Jay, calling to tell me to let him in the house because he had forgotten to bring his keys when he chose to go over to his girlfriend's house.
How very considerate.
I was about to spit out the very first thing that entered my mind, which were words that weren't so pretty, when the other person on the line spoke ahead.
"Hey, Lee."
The voice said, rough but still dripping with honey, deep and groggy from what could most probably be sleep. He must have woken up from a nap or something. With my eyes closed and no introductions whatsoever, I knew this voice didn't match the voice of my brother's; I knew this wasn't Jay, but Jiyong.
Slowly my eyes began to open, and I could feel my brows start to furrow.
My throat was dry, and so was my mouth; I didn't even have enough saliva to fully wet my dry lips. It was a miracle, I believe, that I was able to croak out the words "Why are you calling me?"
"No -- wait," he said. He sounded worried, afraid. Was he afraid I was going to put down the phone? "Just listen to me," he said. He cleared his throat, and when he spoke next he was calmer than when he started.
"Were you asleep? You must've been asleep. Hell, I'm sorry I woke you up. I didn't know you were going to pick up the phone. I hope the baby didn't wake up--"
"The baby's name is Hana," I told him snarkily, now closing my eyes, and resting a hand over my face. I only peeked an eye open to check if Hana was alright. She was. "What do you want?"
"Right, I'm just, I uh," and then the stuttering began.
"Just spit it out, Ji. I don't have time for this--"
"I missed you,"
I felt my heart skip a beat. Did I hear him right? I must've heard him wrong.
"No, I miss you. I do miss you," he said. No, I heard him right. But this was wrong. It had to be.
There was a massive pounding in my chest, and a loud roaring in my ears. It felt as though I had lost my sense of speech; no words came from my mouth.
"Are you still there?" He asked. "Don't hang up on me, Lee. Just stay on the line."
After a few moments of silence, and much debate on my side, I answered him with a simple yet squeaked out "why?"
The man on the other end of the receiver huffed out a laugh. He laughed like things were okay.
Were they? Were they not?
I could hear the softness creeping in to his voice as he spoke, I could hear the rustling of sheets too, and the soft creaking sound of what must have been springs under his body, which told me he had just gotten into bed.
"Just stay on the phone with me," he told me gently, like his voice itself was caressing me, holding me, touching me the lightest way possible, like he was brushing a feather over my arms, my face. Like he was holding my heart in his hands, and I was slowly melting away.
"You don't have to say anything, heck, I don't have to say anything. Well, there's a lot I wanna say, but I won't say anything so that you'd be able to sleep. So just, you know, uh.. Just stay on the line, please?" He asked me, practically whispered the last part directly in my ear.
"I'd like to wait for you to fall asleep, if you don't mind." He said. "Just like before,"
I teared up at that. I felt a stinging in my eyes, but no tears fell. At the back of my eyelids, I saw the Jiyong I fell in love with, the one I used to wrestle, and the one whose mom would make me cupcakes. Just like before, he said. When we used to talk all night, but I would end up falling asleep with the phone against my ear as he tried to compose songs.
When I woke up the next morning, the phone would still be there, but he had already hung up by then, of course.
I stopped thinking about before because he spoke again.
"I just miss knowing you're there." He said presently, sincerely. It made me wonder if he had been drinking before he called. Alcohol tended to loosen up his tongue a bit; he started talking more.
I took a few calming breaths, and turned to my side so I was facing Hana once again, pulling her close towards me; my phone was still against my ear. When I found a spot I was comfortable with, I closed my eyes, enjoying the few minutes of silence I had before I expected him to start playing the guitar.
But there was nothing, only silence, and the faint sound of his humming voice.
I was always here, I wanted to tell him, but I kept my mouth shut. Instead, I sighed. I fell asleep hearing the sound of his breathing
——//——
When I woke up the next morning, he was still there, on the line. It was the first time that happened, and it shocked me. I could actually hear him snoring.
I smiled lightly at the thought of what he did. Calling me in the wee hours of the morning. That was insane! But it would never happen again though, right?
So, I clicked the line shut first, because this would be the first time I would do that. End of call.
It might've been the last time, too. It would be better to pretend it didn't happen at all.
a/n
Woohoo!! I hope this chapter doesn't end up as a disappointment! Enjoy! :)
In the mean time, I've started a new fic to keep you company while I iron this one out. :) It's entitled "Stay With Me." I hope you'll like it, too! :)
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