Now:

 

Hana Park is my baby girl. She is two years old and thirteen pounds heavier from when I gave birth to her. She has big brown eyes, and beautiful dark hair. She's smart and she loves to talk, but she usually just babbles because she can't fully say the words she wants to say yet. Anything she grabs will automatically go into ---but recently, I've trained her not to do that. Now, things only go in when I'm not looking.

 

She'll most probably eat anything you give her, so everyone has to be careful since she's getting pretty heavy. The doctor says we have to diet her. I say screw that, she's only two years old. Hana likes going to the park, and reading books. Just like me, and her other X chromosome, she loves listening to music too. I realized she did when I sang her to sleep one time and she wouldn't make me stop until her eyes finally closed.

 

I think to myself that if we were in the right situation, like we were married or even just dating, her dad would have been damn well pleased with her. But it's not like she's going to have a dad around her, aside from Jay---but he'll have his own family soon so I can't really count him in.

 

Right now, I'm fixing Hana and I both some lunch. Mashed potatoes and fried chicken is more like it, but we have left over roast beef from the night before so I bring that out too for Hana to decide what she wants. I bring out her sippy cup filled with water, and another with orange juice because she loves that stuff. Then for dessert, she has apples sliced and ready for her to pick on.

 

"Hana let's go," I tell her once I'm done with her meal. I pick her up from her play pen in the kitchen and latch her onto my hip, and right at that moment, before we sit down to lunch, the doorbell rings. I wonder who it could be.

 

Hana babbles something I can quite comprehend, but I think I know what she means.

 

"Yeah, Chickie." I say. "It could be the mailman," Now, she's eager to get the door. She and the mailman are friends; he always has a piece of candy for her whenever he comes even though I tell him she can't eat it.

 

When I open it though, Hana's smile fades. A look of confusion dawns on her face, as it dawns on mine too. It isn't the mailman.

 

"Hi," the person said a bit too happily.

 

It was Jiyong.

 

 

-----//-----

 

 

I don't know how it happens but moments later, I find myself inviting Jiyong into the living room. Damn my impossibly too polite manners.

 

It's quiet, except for Hana, and he's staring at her who is still in my arms.

 

"I heard you had a baby," he said making faces at Hana who seems to be trying her best not to laugh. She squirming where she is, and I'm too weak to keep her still, so she ends up standing on her own two legs beside me.

 

"Well you can see her, can't you?" I tell him sarcastically, hoping he hears the annoyance in my voice. What kind of stupid question is that?

 

Jiyong smiles at me shyly before running a hand through his hair. A mannerism of his that he does when he's got nothing to say.

 

I try to find my zen, my happy place, as I'm taking deep, calming breaths but I realize I've never found it before, not even once, not when I needed it.

 

I'll be honest, my mom was the one who kept me calm before; and when she passed, Jiyong made sure to chase all the bad things away for me. Then when he too left, I had no one but myself. I found my zen in Hana who was inside me for nine months, and when she came out, it stuck with her too, taking my zen away from me. I don't think I have anything that's my own anymore.

 

But I try to think about what mom would have told me to do. She would have told me to stay calm and bite my tongue. Let Jiyong be while he's here because Jay would take care of him himself, or something like that. No, wait. That last part was something Dad would have said.

 

 

"Can I hold her?" Jiyong looks at me expectantly and I find myself nodding. He smiles, stands up and picks her up. Hana already has her arms stretched out towards him. I can already tell she's trying to remember every inch of his face and I think, that I've done the same thing before. God knows how long I've stared at that face and yet, I still find something new and fascinating about it every time I look. Like right now, there's a small yet shiny patch of skin close to his forehead that resembles a scar, and I'm pretty sure there's a story behind that. There always is.

 

"Woah," he begins. "You're a heavy little girl, aren't you?" He says and lifts her up and down, already playing with her, until she's rested on the crook of his arm. "I wonder what your Mama's been feeding you."

 

She laughs at him like she's made a new friend. "Who you?" Hana asks.

 

"Pretty girl," he croons at her and runs a finger down her chubby cheek. "I'm Jiyong, your Mama's…" he clears his throat and looks at me, standing tall and confident, and a little bit embarrassed. "I'm your Mama's friend. What's your name?"

 

"Hana," she tells him shyly.

 

"That's a pretty name, sweetheart." Hana takes in a big breath and almost immediately I can tell that she's smitten by him. I know this because I've seen her act this way towards a seven year old boy in the park!

 

It takes a while before I realize that it's me Jiyong talks to next. "Where's her dad?" he asks me. It takes me a while longer while to come up with an answer to that question.

 

I stare at him, and I stare at Hana. I stare at them back and forth because they look so alike that I can't believe I'm only seeing this now. She has his eyes, and his nose. She's got his skin complexion and his chin. And if you look really closely, like I have, she's got the same hands as he does, only smaller and chubbier. Down to the shape of her itty bitty nails. The silence drones on between us, and that's when Jiyong catches up.

 

 

"No , Lee." He tells me jokingly like I'm bluffing. That's when I stand up, defensive. That's when Hana can tell there's something wrong in the room because her brows start to scrunch up. "If she's not mine then..."

 

Silence. I'm still too dumbstruck to speak. I wasn't ready for this; I never planned on telling him about Hana, my little lovely secret. She's mine, the only think I had left that was solely mine. I couldn't share her, not with him or with anybody. I'm worried that he'll take her away from me, like he's taken away everything, and I feel like I'm about to cry. I haven't cried in years.

 

"If she's mine then ing tell me already!" He says. The look on his face is vague.

 

I take Hana away from Ji, but he doesn't do anything. He just stares at her. He stares at her and it's like suddenly, he knows. He knows it in the way that Hana bites her nails when she's worried; because Jiyong does that, too.

 

"What the ," he says exasperatedly.

 

"Holy , I never knew, Lee." He began. He started shaking his head in disbelief. "I never knew."

 

I scoff at him, thinking about all the bitterness I've felt the first year he left me. He never once even wrote, not a single postcard telling me where he's been. I never expected much from him regarding Hana, but as my friend, did he not care about what happened to me? I yell at him. "How would you have known? You left!"

 

He yelled back. It was like we were teenagers again, wrestling in the back of his lawn but with words. And here's me hoping that I would win again, like I always did. "I wouldn't have gone if I knew! Why didn't you tell me?!" He told me.

 

"Why didn't you ing tell me that I should have stayed?" He says almost pleadingly.

 

He sounded a bit retarded to me, then. It wasn't like he would have listened to me anyway. "Would you have listened if I told you not to be with Lia?  You were in love with her, Ji. What could you possibly have done for me?" I tell him, and surprisingly it stings when I say those words.

 

"Just…" He starts to talk, but he seems at a loss for words. For a fraction of a second, it almost seems like my words have hurt him. Maybe it did.

 

"I don't know. Something," he said. "I would have thought of something."

 

Jiyong reaches his hand out to touch me, but he stops. He used to do that before. He'd run a hand over my forehead, brushing away the stray hairs so it wouldn't irritate my eyes. And at this moment we were in right now, I could have sworn I felt his fingertips kiss the skin on my forehead, just like before---but it was probably all in my head.

 

I look at Jiyong, actually look at him, and I can tell that he was being…sincere.

 

"Would you have ended things with her? Or would you have preferred the alternative?" I ask him softly, afraid I'd hear the wrong answer.

 

"…didn't you think about it?" It takes a while before he says those words, but I knew exactly what he meant. 

 

"Like Hell I did." I tell him. "Of course I did, but I couldn't."

 

Jiyong nods his head in understanding. It almost looks like relief. "That's good." He says. "I'm sorry,"

 

"It's a bit too late for that, don't you think?" I answer him snarkily and balance Hana on my hip, who is her thumb away. Now I can tell that she's hungry and stressed.

 

He looks stung by my words, but he answers me anyway. That image of him who looked hurt faded as quickly as it surfaced. "I'll make it up to you," he said. 

 

If there's one thing that's different about the Jiyong now and before, it's that the new Ji knows how to hide his feelings. "I swear it, Lee. I swear."

 

At this point, there's no use in getting mad at Jiyong. Nothing will give me back that internship, that first job offering, that 6,000 word article on Tripoli and Croatia. All I can think about is the now, and the tomorrow, and the day after that. All I can think about is what if. All I can think about is the boy who used to chase away the monsters beneath my bed, and before I can catch myself, I ask him "How?"

 

How does he plan to make everything okay?

 

 

 

 

Before:

 

"She said yes!" Those were the words I hated to hear, the dreadful words that seemed to ruin every moment we've had since it rained that one afternoon. But this was different from all the other times. This was real. This was him telling me they were official, and I felt my world was crumbling down all around me.

 

"That's good," is what I tell him, even though it isn't true. Suddenly I feel cold and numb, like nothing can console me after having my heart ripped out. Not even his mom's cupcakes would solve this.

 

We were drinking slurpees by the side of the road. It was a Sunday, and every Sunday since he got his car, we drove far away. We drove towards the sea, or the mountains, or sometimes just along the highway going nowhere. We drove because it was calming; we drove because we wanted to get away from the feeling that we were trapped. We drove because driving made us feel like we were infinite; the road always leads somewhere, the road gave us endless possibilities. Possibilities we know we'd take in the future.

 

I lean on the windshield behind me and sigh as I take a big gulp of this carbonated, slushy, fruity drink in my hand and look up to the sky. I think to myself that maybe my adventure ends here. My dream of reaching far off places and being a journalist would fall short without my amazing DJ of a best friend slash unrequited lover. We made those plans together, I didn't want to think of fulfilling them without him.

 

I knew there would be no way in hell that he would take me with him when he and Lia would go out, and quite frankly, I wouldn't want to be with them either. He would move forward and go on, and I would be here simply alone. Yes, it seemed very much like that would happen.

 

"Are you okay?" He asks me, waving a hand in front of my face. A look showing puzzlement mixed with worry featured themselves on his angelic face. He was almost too good to be true.

 

I nod. "Yeah,"

 

He pouts at me. "Do you not want me to date her?" He asks, honesty clear in the sound of his voice.

 

"You can date whoever you want, Ji." I shrug and tell him. I mean, who am I to say that he can't date Lia? Who am I to tell him no, don't date her. Date me. Say that it's me you love.

 

I'm only his best friend. I don't think I have that much leverage over him. I'm only, I'm only just me. This average girl, with an average looking face, and an average shaped body who had an average singing voice, but a whole lot of heart.

 

"If you're worried that I'm going to start ignoring you, don't be. That's impossible." He says. "You're still my number one girl. Always will be."

 

He tells me that reassuringly, honestly, but I feel like a tangled up mess of emotions. I feel like it's all going to go away; everything that we built together, every memory we've made, every second we've shared. All our rituals, and traditions, whoosh down the drain. Now I feel like nothing but his little sister, not even his friend.

 

I try my best not to tear up, and I try my best to ignore this painful feeling in my chest. The hair on my arms begin to rise, and my heart starts pounding uncontrollably. But amidst all of this, I still find there are butterflies in my stomach. It's hurt and love all at the same time.

 

I fake a smile, and I fake a laugh. He in turn puts an arm over my shoulder. "You believe me, don't you?" He was such a player, painting his words so colorfully that for a second, I almost fall for it. I almost fall for the mask that cushions the painful truth, but not quite.

 

So I nod and tell him I do, patting his knee in assurance. It's so simple to play pretend. I'm so good at it that he doesn't even see me bluffing--- And he smiles.

 

"Hey!" He says, and I can almost picture the lit up lightbulb above his head. "Why don't you go out with that Taeyang guy? We can go on double dates. You and him, me and Lia. We can go to the movies, split a sundae at Teddy's."

 

That's enough to send me puking on my merry way. Since when did he think like a couple?! That's disgusting! And Teddy's Diner is a HOLY place. It's always been a place for him, for me, for a delicious ice cream sundae, and a big stack of pancakes. That's all. I scowl at him and say, "But I don't like Taeyang." How dare he set me up.

 

"Come on. You two would totally make a cute couple." He continues.

 

I gag. "I don't like him, okay! He smells like soup!"

 

Jiyong laughs. "He has a cool mohawk."

 

"But I don't want to smell like soup! I can't kiss a guy who smells like soup!!"

 

"Alright, alright!" He tells me and puts his hands up in defeat. "We can look for someone else." He says thoughtfully, and I hit him on the shoulder.

 

"Why are you so eager to find me a boyfriend, huh?" I ask him, bitterly if I may add. "Are you trying to get rid of me just because YOU have a girlfriend?" I ask him accusingly. That's when I realize my slurpee is almost done.

 

"No way!" He says and ends up wrapping me in between both his arms. Now I'm sad again because while he's hugging me, I know these arms aren't for me to stay in any longer. "Never in a million years."

 

That line of his gets to me deeply. Lies, I think to myself, because I know that isn't true. One first kiss from Lia, and I'm sure he won't remember there was a Lee Park to begin with.

 

"Ji," I tell him quietly, suddenly sick in the pit of my stomach.

 

"Yeah?" He answers me in the same way, but slowly. It's as if he's expecting something else, like a confession maybe, but that's highly unlikely. There's nothing he would want from me. I feel tingles down my spine as I feel his breathing on my neck and I only feel more upset. 

 

"I wanna go home."

 

I feel him exhale deeply, and it's like he's disappointed. But he couldn't be. Why would he?

 

We break away and he hops off the hood of his car. Then he reaches a hand out to help me down. He's such a gentleman.

 

He smiles at me widely.

 

"Let's go home," he says. "Jay must already be waiting for you."

 

Jiyong turns on the radio on full blast and before I know it, we're singing along to a song we don't even know, something about a boy and a girl, and a house in the south of France. And I think to myself how I'd like that very much.

 

I look out the window and look at the pretty city lights we pass by as I try my best to enjoy one of the few more drives I know we're going to have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a/n

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